How to deal with DHs drinking ?

[MeggyMeg]

I just need a different perspective on this and can't talk about it in RL.

My DH is a lovely man. We've been married for many years (almost 20), have two DCs aged 11 and 14. Not perfect, but generally happy.

But he binge drinks.

He goes out around twice a week and comes back behaving like an arse. He is loud and argumentative and I hate him being like that around the children.

He has always done this, and when he was younger it was far worse. It's one aspect of UK culture that I hate. It's in my view ridiculous for a 50 year old man to be staggering about like a 20 year old in magaluf.

The backstory is that two years ago he got far drunker than I've ever seen and ended up almost injuring my arm. The children were well aware of there being an incident but as it was done by him closing my arm in something (forcefully) I told them it was an accident, which was sort of truem. He didn't realise my arm was there , but he was having a strop and forced the door shut and then didn't release it when he should because he was so drunk. My arm was so bruised it took over a month to look ok. I considered leaving him then but he was remorseful and gave up drinking so I stayed.

Even reading that back makes me feel a fuckwit.

He started off as not drinking at all (and being very judgemental about everyone else drinking in the process which was bloody annoying), then drank moderately which was far better all round. But in the last 6 months or so, he's back to his old ways.

Last night was a good example. Myself and the youngest DC stayed up to watch a film. DH comes in clearly drunk and talking loudly. I had ordered him a take away which he starts moaning about, but in a 'jokey' way. My hackles rise at his behaviour in front of our 11 year old who is by now rolling his eyes and making drinking gestures to me about his dad.

DC was going to bed anyway, so I used that as an excuse to decamp upstairs. I am shite at hiding my feelings , so by now DH knows I'm not impressed. I take DS up to the bathroom to brush teeth and DH follows us up as he's now becoming argumentative. This is by far the biggest issue when he's drunk. I lock the bathroom door and he's then shouting through the door to DS saying mummy is the one with the drink problem . She's scared of ending up like her dad who is an alcoholic.

I remain calm as I've learnt that diffuses things far quicker. DS didn't really hear it all so we laughed it off with 'silly daddy' type comments. DS and I go to sleep in mine and DHs room and DH is in the spare room (he snores when drunk just to add to the delight).

The next bit is where I need different views:

Re: my dad. Yes hes a full blown alcoholic which I have only recently discovered. I have virtually NC for many years and the children don't know him.

I am not a big drinker at all, but never have been. I grew up with parents with drink issues and just don't like being around drunk people much. That said, I'm not tee-total. I've never consciously worried about being an alcoholic just because my parents have issues (both were heavy drinkers when I was young, but I wouldn't describe them as alcoholics at that time.) But I am cautious and moreso with age.

I want to know if you think I'm right to be so intolerant of DHs drinking ? I don't feel its anything to do with my dad as DH claims . For me, its because he badly hurt me once purely because he was so out of control and I feel let down that's he's drinking again. I could have left him for what he did two years ago , but now I feel as though I was a fool not too. When the children were younger it wasn't so bad as they would have been asleep when he got back bit that's not the case now and I hate them witnessing this. But given I've only found out about the extent of my dads problems in the two years since the arm incident, I'm just worried its colouring my view.

The bottom line for me is I don't want my children seeing their father drunk. Mostly because he's not a 'nice' drunk. It's become a viscous circle of him being drunk, me getting wound up by it and not playing along with him ( I don't say anything but my face probably says it all ), he then becomes very defensive and argumentative and I have to try and diffuse it all by the grey rock method mostly.

But this 'defence' he comes up with about my dad being an alcohol does make me question myself. Maybe I am now more uptight about drinking because of that.

Is it ever ok for parents to be drunk in front of their children on a regular basis ? Amni being uptight and if I just laughed at off it would be better ?

Sorry this is so long

I think you have handled your situation in the best possible way you can for you

If only life was as black and white as some posters portray it to be eh 🤨🤨

Fucking hell if everyone listened to strangers on a forum everyone would be LEAVING THE BASTARD/BITCH.

Absolute standard procedure to turn the issues away from him and try to hurt your feelings put the blame at your feet anything to not own up to their own issues,
Hope your day gets better OP stay strong 💐💐

Good luck, OP. It sounds like you have a plan and with a disabled child dependent upon you, you can't afford to be homeless or penniless, if there's another way out.

If he was abusive, I would urge you to flee, but a 6 month plan to get a job and secure the second property sounds like a start. I would still urge you to get the ball rolling on the legal advice and documentation - it's too easy to let the momentum slide and minimize the problem.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that’s why after his 3 month dry spell it eventually ramped up. Living with a problem drinker is 24/7 stress. They are either out on the lash (or in on the lash), coming home behaving badly, sleeping it off detached from family life or everyone is tip toeing around there volatile hangover. The days they aren’t drinking they are white knuckle riding it, being preoccupied in their own heads with their hangover or obsessing about the next session.

They are not emotionally available.
You have to second guess their every manoeuvre - to protect your family and smooth over / avoid incidents, so you too are preoccupied with their problem drinking.

Your children therefore have 2 parents who are not emotionally present for them 100%. They also see their DM anxious and fretful and their DF drunk, aggressive, angry and violent. They see, hear, emotionally absorb and internalise all of this - it is toxic and is eroding their emotional health.

Your children need support to mitigate this damage. They need to be taken away from the source of toxicity. They need a DM who shows them how to have self respect, boundaries and how to leave dangerous relationships. They need to be very open with the problem - they are not alone. Al-ateen would help them.

Most important message from Al Anon is to “emotionally detach” from the drinker. You can do this in your own head over then next few months. This will then allow you to step back and free up emotional energy and focus on what needs to happen for your children.

Do read up on Co-dependency and you will see how your efforts to manage him inadvertently play into the problem. Also look at the link Adult Children of Alcoholics to see how your parents issues shaped you and how your DHs issues will shape your DCs unless you step in v soon and v proactively bring the issue out in the open with them and seek support and counselling to minimise the impact.

I am really sorry that you have lived through this. Your life has been tough but once you move on you will have freedom and joy and your children will flourish.

Don’t waste time your finite already depleted emotional energy trying to work out your DH - he knows his issues - use that emotional capacity to detach and plan a healing, toxic free, future for your DCs.

Have a search for alcohol issues on MN - the stories are all the same. There is only ever one way through this - LTB.

In the nicest possible way ClareIsland, please take your advice and shove it.

I am not anxious and fretful and neither am I emotionally unavailable. And the over dramatised picture you describe of my situation bears no resemblance to reality.

You and the other drama llamas on here cannot make generalised assumptions about my life.

I don't need you telling me what to do and whether I should try and make my relationship work. And I don't need to read about codepedency or my parents drink problems.

You seem to be misguid into thinking I'm some sort of pathetic individual unable to work it all out. You're wrong.

TheABC has got it right. I have a plan which involves dealing with a disabled child and the need to earn money. Those are my priorities. I'm fully prepared to leave when the times right. I don't give a rats arse about why people drink and what role I had. It's all just armchair psychology. The bottom line is my husband is behaving like an arse and I wont be putting up with it .

Great, yes he is behaving like an arse and bloody well don’t accept it

It is sobering when you realise your kids don’t respect their dad for being a drunken bully...

He's hurt you, your kid takes the piss out him for being drunk, he's abusive and deflecting away from his drinking.

He's a fucking abusive alcoholic that currently drinks twice a week. Next it'll be all weekend/three times a week. And a couple more 'accidental' injuries. Or having a go at your kid for mocking him. Or your DC tell somebody at school and you mind yourselves in a safeguarding investigation.

Kick him out.

Kick him out.

I don't think anyone is gleeful at all OP. People are offering you advice which is what you came on here for is it not? Some people have actually experience of living with drinkers/alcoholics.
Just because people aren't saying what you want to hear, I think its a bit out of order being arsey about it.
I genuinely hope you get things sorted to a point where you can separate and are able to do this as soon as you can.

crappyday2018 She wanted a different perspective. She got it. But didn't like it. Blunt we may have been but quite honestly, sometimes it's only being blunt that gets through to people.

An alcoholic who only drinks twice a week? No, it doesn't work like that.

He isn't an alcoholic. He's a man who drinks to excess twice a week and becomes a nasty drunk. Only you can decide if that's a deal breaker.

Maybe he likes to wind down at the weekend, and because you will never have a drink with him, he feels like you are judging him and being sanctimonious or boring? Do you ever drink and chill together? Do you ever go to the pub together? Maybe if you did, things would be different?

People here have taken the time to offer you their best advice and opinions, and you have shouted them down and told them that they are wrong. Is this how you treat DH?

In any case, why ask, if you don't want honest 3rd party opinions?

You don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic.

Your son knows what is happening - he is wise beyond his years and you need to free him from this situation.

OH's mentioning your father is totally irrelevant.

You need to protect your children.

Meggy I have been contributing to MN relationships forum for 19 years. The other two posters who also gave you the same advice have also been contributing for many many years. We have see and read it all. In all that time I have never come across an OP who has been so ignorant and aggressive to people who have taken the time to respond to you with their professional informed opinion.

You are getting excellent advice here which you reject angrily, OP.

You are entirely fulfilling your role as codependent in enabling your DH. It's very striking. And you can't see it.

In your opening post you asked for different perspectives yet you are angry with anyone who disagrees with the plan you've made so why did you post your thread asking for advice and different perspectives?

Op you are being really bloody rude !!!

I was raised in an environment like this. It pained me to read this thread and I found it very hard to read all of it.

My Mum fought my Dad's heavy drinking at every turn. As small children, we heard it all. Sometimes saw stuff we should never have seen.

My Mum made me her confidante around the age of 11. It has warped my view of the world and I have attracted one substance abuser after the other, one abusive man after the other, in various shapes or forms, and tried to fix them, because I learned this as "normal". I have replayed my parents stuff in my own personal life over and over.

It was like growing up in a war zone, then in the Cold War, then back to a nuclear war, for most of my life. Had I not had a very sporty, outdoor lifestyle as a teenager that meant I was away from the family home most of the time after school, I think I would have attempted suicide. My brother actually did, several times. My attempts came later.

I hope I'm not being dramatic. But children get really screwed up by growing up in this. Some more than others. But they all get scarred. And you think they won't when they are small. But you can't protect them. They hear it. They know what is going on, no matter what you would prefer to think.

My parents are still together. I am 48. My Mum kept saying she was going to leave, but a business and finances kept them together. There was a lot of talk, but the wash, rinse, repeat cycle went on and on and on. People say deep down they must love each other. I think they are just stuck, sadly. They are both massively codependent but from a time and place when you never washed your dirty laundry in public and every man drank to excess after work, it was "normal". My Mum still tries to use me as her confidante, even though my Dad no longer drinks as he used to, they still argue and fight.

Don't take too much time extracting yourself. Life whooshes by and before you know it, it might just be too late.

You're being extremely defensive which is usually a sign that you know posters are right but you don't want to face it just yet.
You realise your kids are growing up with an alcoholic dad just like you did? You can't protect them from this. It's past time to get on with things and separate.

@AmIaskingfortoomuch he absolutely can be an alcoholic. Your understanding of alcoholism is very wrong.

This isn’t a blame game to you OP. There is only one person to “blame” for the mess and that’s your DH.

However as you are the only rational adult in this situation and you can see it clearly you have total responsibility for removing your DCs from harms way. If you don’t then your DCs, as adults will indeed blame you for exposing them to this.

Al Anon do not define alcoholism as how much is drunk, how often, when, what or where......they define it as how the drinking (including the hangover) negatively impacts the close relationships of the drinker. Also some people will spend years trying to avoid the term alcoholic - it’s only a word but is contentious and is distracting from the issues - just use the term “problem drinker”.

OP I do hope that you can find some support in RL to help you. Keep reading and researching it will help your children weather this.

I came here to offer you support. I still want to, but you are being very unfair and arsey to people who already done that.

I see nothing wrong with most of the posts made. You asked for perspectives and people have given theirs.

You can't really expect those of us who have experienced at close quarters the actions of an argumentative, bad tempered and nasty alcoholic to say "play the long game and stick it out for a bit longer, it won't matter". It will matter. Hugely.

I have been in the presence of my BIL during his drunken rants and rages. I felt the fear and I saw over many years the effect it had on his family. His mother (my MIL) would pussyfoot around him and even fund his drinking because she was afraid of him (she admitted that to us). He threatened and was violent towards his wife, who luckily had the strength and support to leave him and take their toddler daughter with her. Divorce papers were served and the sale of their house was forced. Contact with his daughter was facilitated at first, but stopped after further incidents showed that he simply couldn't be trusted. He hasn't seen her in almost 15 years.

Nobody who has had that sort of experience or witnessed it will advise playing any form of long game.

Your DS has already started to pick up on his Dad's behaviour. Even a further 6 - 12 months will do further damage.

I know it will be difficult, and things don't happen overnight, but if you can possibly get out much sooner then please do so. Imagine what he will be like around Christmas!! That will be a big excuse for a lot of major piss ups for him. Do you want the kids (and you too, of course) to enjoy it or do you want all of you to spend it pussyfooting around him, walking on eggshells because of his drinking?

My ex was like this. I didn't leave him until my DD was 14. She now has ptsd and other MH problems. My advice to you is to protect your children and leave.

Limit his spending by budgeting for alcohol each month. Set aside an amount in cash so he doesn't go over. This is a start.