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Original poster

Disliking Sex

38 replies

Orpy40 · 31/08/2019 00:57

Hope this is ok to post here. I'm a previous poster but have nc for this as a couple of friends know my username.

I'm just wondering if anyone actively dislikes having sex? I'm 40, dh 50 and we have been together for 15 years with 2 kids (11 & 7).

I've never been massively into sex although pre kids we did it a lot more and I can almost say I enjoyed it but if we went a period of time without doing it I wouldn't miss it at all.

These days probably since my 7 year old was born I hate it, it's not my husband I think I would hate it with anyone. I have absolutely zero sex drive and never feel like doing it. I do do it because I feel as if I have to but I don't enjoy it and seem to switch off, I can lay there making all the right noises but in my head I'm just thinking ffs please hurry up so I can go to sleep. It's now starting to cause arguments because he would like to do it a few times a week but I drag it out as long as possible and I'm finding myself saying no more and more. So I say no or just ignore him then he gets pissy with me and we go to sleep without talking, in the morning it's ok apart from a few shitty comments from him but then it starts all over again that evening. He will also try it on on a weekend morning while the kids are awake which is a massive no from me then calls me boring etc..

Apart from this we get on great but this is starting to cause problems. I would be happy to be in a relationship with him and never have sex again but I can see that's not fair on him. I just have zero sexual feelings and while I'm fine with that he isn't.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Scott72 · 31/08/2019 01:13

Have you been completely honest with him about how you have no sex drive and don't enjoy sex at all?

Original poster
Orpy40 · 31/08/2019 01:23

No I haven't, I think he would be really hurt by that and that's the last thing I want.

OP posts:
IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 31/08/2019 01:25

Im totally with you @Orpy40 .

Me & DH are roughly same age & in same situation.

I just literally find it a chore tbh , but if we don't have sex he becomes disconnected.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2019 01:27

SO he's shitty and pissy about it, doesn't seem to care that you are entirely absent, wants to do it at inappropriate times...

Has he made the effort to make sure you come because I wouldn't want to have sex in your shoes either?

Original poster
Orpy40 · 31/08/2019 01:36

@IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls that's it exactly, if we don't have sex he is completely disconnected and there isn't even a cuddle or kiss goodnight, he will just turn over and go to sleep. I still like affection but it always has to lead to sex.

@MrsTerryPratchett he does try and isn't selfish at all but most of the time I just fake it to hurry things along. He didn't used to be like this but it feels like he is obsessed with it sometimes and the more I pull away the harder he tries. He has ordered some in his words "some mild sex toys" for us to try but they are still in the box at the top of the wardrobe because I've refused to open them!

OP posts:
Scott72 · 31/08/2019 01:37

I think its absolutely vital you be honest with him. Even if it might mean the end of your marriage. At the moment he's working on incorrect information.

Hopoindown31 · 31/08/2019 06:37

Please be honest with him but only after you've had a think about whether this is something you want to work on to try and sort out.

A lot of men feel loved through sex and see their sexual relationship as a key part of the overall relationship. He is acting the way he is because he feels unloved and disconnected from you and probably quite worried that you are going to leave him tbh.

kellyw1989 · 31/08/2019 06:45

It’s frustrating for you both by the sound of it, not easy I know but have you spoke about how you feel to him ? Is it purely that you don’t want to or is it just no time and with the kids there it’s uncomfortable ? that’s a major issue I have tbh

Divebar · 31/08/2019 06:51

A friend of mine was recently told by his wife that she doesn’t want to have sex with him anymore. He’s completely gutted as he loves her. She has said that she doesn’t want him to seek sex anywhere outside the marriage but I can assure you that 100% that he will do that. Sex is just too important to him. I’m not saying that you should have sex when you don’t want to but that you should expect that some people just won’t find it a condition under which they can live.

Scott72 · 31/08/2019 07:18

He sounds like he's doing his best not to let his frustration slip through. Some of it is, and that's not the right thing for him to do, but the frustration he's feeling is valid and reasonable. Because Orpy has zero libido its very hard for her to sympathize with him. But its not just men who find themselves in this position. You'll find many posts here from women who's husbands have lost interest in sex and the frustration and resentment they feel over this.

Please be honest with him but only after you've had a think about whether this is something you want to work on to try and sort out.

This is something that needs to be worked on, so IMO she needs to tell him. She will need his full support to deal with this. How can he give his full support if he still thinks she's interested in sex and enjoys it but is just a bit bored? (which is what him buying the sex toys suggests)

TwoCanPlayAtThatGame · 31/08/2019 07:18

I agree with Scott72.

Of course no one should be forced into sex or feel they have to go along with it, but neither is it unreasonable to expect some sort of sex life with your spouse.

At the moment, Orpy, you're just kicking that particular can down the road and its understandable that he's becoming frustrated because you're not communicating with him.

Divebar a friend of mine is in a similar position. It's been escalating since the youngest was born 13 years ago.

He now has a friend he meets for 'lunch' periodically.

I dont agree with it but I also think they are both to blame for not dealing with the situation properly.

category12 · 31/08/2019 09:27

Have you considered going to the gp, and seeing if there's any physical reason why you've lost your libido?

Is there an emotional reason or trauma (difficult birth, past abuse?) that has triggered your loss of libido?

Or any resentment within the relationship that has played into this?

MotherofDogs3 · 31/08/2019 10:14

You do really need to be honest and talk to him about this. First i would go to the doctors and check you dont have a hormone imbalance as this can sometimes be the cause of low sex drive. You do have to look at this from his point of view and expect that he might not want to be in a sexless marriage for rest of his life. Would you be open to him seeing other women just for sex? It's a hard one especially if every thing else in your relationship is good.

NameChangeNugget · 31/08/2019 10:49

Have you spoken to your Dr? A friend of mine went through this and she didn’t communicate to her DH what she was feeling. By the time she did, her DH had long checked out of the relationship and they split. Communication is key here. Confiding in him about it, is intimacy within itself

tisamadworld · 31/08/2019 12:48

I know you don't want to hurt him by telling him the truth of the situation but you already are by your actions. You need to communicate and be on the same page. He can't expect you to have sex with him if you don't want him, and you can't expect him to live a sexless life if it's a relationship need for him. Good luck

NewMe2019 · 31/08/2019 14:09

My DP's ex wasn't interested in him at all. He kept trying to fix it but one person can't and she wouldn't do anything. He warned her he was still interested in sex. She refused to discuss or deal with it in any way and this went on for a few years. She acted on what he warned her about and she went ballistic. It was a very messy break up as he left her and she couldn't understand why.

It's fine if you don't want sex. But it is not fair to refuse to discuss this with your H.

Crowdo · 31/08/2019 14:13

Either break up with him, allow him to find sex elsewhere, or accept that he will eventually find an affair partner.

AmIaskingfortoomuch · 31/08/2019 15:49

Shall we swap Husbands?

I am a 49 y/o female, and I am just like your DH, and my DH is just like you. Honestly? It's fucking soul destroying.

It might help you to view your DH differently, if I tell you how this makes me feel?

It's now 4 weeks since he touched me, and it doesn't look like any sex will be happening any time soon. I think about sex every day. I imagine us having sex, how it feels, what I want him to do to me etc. It sends shivers through my body, literally. Whereas he just doesn't seem to think about it.

The resentment is palpable (to me anyway). Some days I cry. Some days I want to punch a wall.

I would like sex 3 times a week. I could compromise to once a week. But, yeah, it's now been 4 weeks. How is that any compromise on his part?

I feel like he doesn't care about my emotional well being. I feel like he is holding my sex life hostage. I feel like he has forced me to be celibate, long before my time. Overall, I feel that he just doesn't get how much he is damaging me on a daily basis. We have talked about it. Nothing changes. I can only presume that he is dead below the waist.

It will destroy our marriage in the end. Which is such a shame, because apart from this fixable issue, we really do have it all, and we will lose so much by splitting. But I just can't live without intimacy, romance and being touched.

You probably have no idea how much you are damaging your husband and how shit this is making him feel. He will direct his attention elsewhere at some point and your marriage will be over. Do with that what you will.

MMmomDD · 31/08/2019 16:05

OP - you need to stop letting him have sex with an unwilling partner (you). Because if he knew it - he’d feel he is forcing you - which he is - and it’s a terrible thing to go to someone.
And - unless you want to try to fix your lack of libido - the only options is to break up or open up your relationship.
Sorry if you don’t like this.

whattodo12345 · 31/08/2019 16:55

Omg this sounds exactly me 2 years ago!

In the end I separated from my husband and realised it was him I wasn't sexually attracted too as I absolutely love sex now!

Sorry probably not what you want to hear!

Sagradafamiliar · 31/08/2019 17:18

All these stories about men cheating on their wives because they're in a sexless relationship just prove that for them it was never about love, emotion or intimacy at all, it's just an itch they want to scratch. If they didn't treat their wives like a walking, breathing selection of holes then maybe the wives would've been more inclined to sleep with them. Pathetic.

Divebar · 31/08/2019 18:20

Sagradafamiliar

Actually where there’s no sex there’s often no intimacy either of any kind. I’m in a sexless marriage and I don’t get any affection of any kind... no hugs, no hand holding etc. It’s completely soul destroying. I can completely understand why people seek affection elsewhere.

MMmomDD · 31/08/2019 18:22

@Sagradafamiliar

I think you are either missing a point or don’t have a libido.
For many people love, emotion and intimacy have a layer of physical closeness. It IS is one of the way love and intimacy is expressed and experienced.
And what happens in situations where the relationship starts off with all of these components and then it’s withdrawn by one party unilaterally - it cuts into one of the important pillars of the relationship.
The other party feels undesired, unloved and lonely.
So - no, men (or women) who seek sex outside of marriage when their partner decided that their sex life as a couple has finished - do not see their partner as a collection of holes/walking dildo. They are people who are suffering.

NewMe2019 · 31/08/2019 19:50

Sagradafamiliar that's bollocks. No sex often means no intimacy of any kind, and that is what leads to affairs. Lets face it, most people in a loving relationship want intimacy and closeness and that is what sex is for.

PriscillaWhite · 31/08/2019 20:37

I’m in a situation where I have a libido, but my H has zero sex drive and we haven’t been intimate for 2.5 years, which is all his doing. I was mostly fine with this whilst pregnant/postpartum/whilst I had PND/breastfeeding etc. Now the DC are a bit older, they all sleep well and I’m now back in shape and feel like my old self again. But now I feel like I may combust from lack of sex. It sounds ridiculous, but I’m very very frustrated and actually feeling a bit angry about it.

Like some previous posters, we’ve got a very nice life and an otherwise good friendship. It isn’t enough though. I’ve decided not to split up yet as I don’t want to spend any time apart from our 3 DC. But I am now very close to finding that intimacy elsewhere.

My view is that the marriage will end eventually. Ideally this will be when the kids are older and have left home.

I’m not saying that you should do anything you’re uncomfortable with, as that would be awful, but I do think you need to be aware of how your feelings will be affecting his. It isn’t realistic to expect someone to live a long life without this sense of fulfilment

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