Disliking Sex

[Orpy40]

Hope this is ok to post here. I'm a previous poster but have nc for this as a couple of friends know my username.

I'm just wondering if anyone actively dislikes having sex? I'm 40, dh 50 and we have been together for 15 years with 2 kids (11 & 7).

I've never been massively into sex although pre kids we did it a lot more and I can almost say I enjoyed it but if we went a period of time without doing it I wouldn't miss it at all.

These days probably since my 7 year old was born I hate it, it's not my husband I think I would hate it with anyone. I have absolutely zero sex drive and never feel like doing it. I do do it because I feel as if I have to but I don't enjoy it and seem to switch off, I can lay there making all the right noises but in my head I'm just thinking ffs please hurry up so I can go to sleep. It's now starting to cause arguments because he would like to do it a few times a week but I drag it out as long as possible and I'm finding myself saying no more and more. So I say no or just ignore him then he gets pissy with me and we go to sleep without talking, in the morning it's ok apart from a few shitty comments from him but then it starts all over again that evening. He will also try it on on a weekend morning while the kids are awake which is a massive no from me then calls me boring etc..

Apart from this we get on great but this is starting to cause problems. I would be happy to be in a relationship with him and never have sex again but I can see that's not fair on him. I just have zero sexual feelings and while I'm fine with that he isn't.

What do I do?

I forgot to add that my H likes to hold hands and hug. I don’t like this and mostly forget. It’s like the intimacy has switched off and I just don’t need him touching me like that any longer. Maybe we’ve friend-zoned each other, but I 100% believe it is his fault we’ve got to this stage

I also have no sex drive since having children. It’s been 18 months since me and my husband have had sex. Reading this has been upsetting. He’s going to leave me. I don’t blame him to be honest

All these stories about men cheating on their wives because they're in a sexless relationship just prove that for them it was never about love, emotion or intimacy at all, it's just an itch they want to scratch. If they didn't treat their wives like a walking, breathing selection of holes then maybe the wives would've been more inclined to sleep with them. Pathetic

Well, I am a woman and I couldn't cope with a sexless marriage either!

I very much love and respect my DH but sex is really important to me.

In this situation, I'd have to make it clear to him that if we stayed together it would have to be an 'open' arrangement because I really couldn't deal with no having sex again.

I don't blame the men that cheat over no sex.

Of course you should never have sex if you don’t want to have sex, and his behaviour around it is shitty.
Equally, he has the right to feel upset at being in a sexless marriage. I would struggle massively with that too.
I think you should be prepared that he may leave over this issue.
Do you want to be with him?

There was a woman posting earlier on here today that she wanted more sex and more adventurous sex than her partner. The general consensus seemed to be she should leave her partner for one she was more sexually compatible with.

I would recommend the same for you OP. You and your DH aren't on the same page. You either have to compromise and meet in the middle. Or accept it's not working and allow each other the chance to go and find someone who is more compatible with what you want.

Do you have anything that you dislike about your husband? The reason why I've mentioned this is because I resented my ex ( long story, he was a git) There was no way that I wanted to have sex with him. I thought it was me with the problem & if I never had sex again I'd be happy. But like whattodo12345 said, since we split, I've discovered that I love sex . Just need to find a decent partner to have it with

With you all the way OP. Iam 44 and DH is 51. I love him but just want a platonic love. I find the physical act of being penetrated really sordid and consequently im tense and it hurts. If all goes well i can get away with sex maybe only three or four times a year. I repeat i love him but being touched/looked at naked and then asked to do sex acts is to me degrading and I actively dread it happening. Message anytime OP if you think it would help.

Sex is what makes a marriage or romantic relationship different. You don’t have to do it but you can’t take it off the table and expect your husband to live in enforced celibacy for the rest of his life. Currently you’re doing it, faking it and then resenting him. You owe him honesty. He’s operating without all the information you have and you’re being really unfair.

Is there a medical reason you’re not up for sex, have you ever been? Could it be that our stressful lives have just left you exhausted or tense?

Could it be changing hormones?I was watching a programme on bbc1 the other night, I think it was called the truth about menopause, and a couple there have stopped having penetrative sex as it hurts her too much now. They do other stuff that they both enjoy instead. He loves her and doesn’t want to hurt her or lose the intimacy. So that works for them.
They were honest with each other. Perhaps that’s they key as they said it works for them.
I’ve always hated relationships where the minute you hold hands or kiss your partner they spring to attention and are slabbering in you ear two seconds later as though an act of affection must involve the removal of undergarments. Not a turn on. Put me off dating for ages!

Same story here, peri menopausal and uterine fibroids, not to mention a truckload of different meds for other stuff each day, and why does my partner think that just a cuddle and a kiss have to lead to mind blowing sex (for him anyway) each time is beyond me, why can’t it just be a cuddle?

Ok then, I have no libido. You got me 😂 I wouldn't stay in a sexless relationship for two reasons: I don't cheat, and I want sex with the partner I'm with. So it either is fixable or a reason to leave.

@Zakana

How often do you cuddle and kiss and where?

When I was having problems with my libido with DP I didn't realise I was starving him of non-sexual intimacy as well. We were only cuddling every few days or so and only in bed so he felt it was an 'all or nothing' scenario. For many men the physical affection of their partners may be the only physical touch they receive at all particularly if they have older children.

@ hopoindown31 it’s a long-standing problem which doesn’t bother me at all. Long story short, it may help someone else but I doubt it, we used to have plenty of sex right up to about 12 years ago, and whilst we were still having rampant sex every night, he was off shagging someone in their 20s, to add insult to injury, she was the mother of one of my sons best friends! He denied it, think gaslighting, and I decided to remain with him for the sake of my kids’ inheritance (sounds bad but we are not married). I then started to get peri menopausal symptoms shortly thereafter, so this has been going on for about 10 years and I have had multiple fibroids since I was 27 and now then symptoms are getting much worse and I am bleeding heavily for 21 days out of 28. All this with the past crap that has happened has impacted heavily on my sex drive. I am not looking for advice, I’m just stating what has happened and why I am where I am. Any questions, please ask and I’ll try to answer......