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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need advice for my terminally ill mum who is in an emotionally abusive house

45 replies

WonkyCatissad218 · 30/08/2019 16:08

I need to some advice of where to turn for help with my terminally ill mum.

My mum is very poorly with a terminal lung condition that give a life expectancy of less than two years. She is completely dependant on oxygen, is losing her mobility and cannot cook for herself.

She lives at home with my dad who emotionally and verbally abuses her and does the absolute bare minimum of care for her. He'll cook her one meal a day in the evening and that is it, he won't bring her drinks or make her sandwich or give any personal care.

Everything she asks him to do is met with abuse, profanities, insults and name calling. She is terrified of him so doesn't ask for an easy life. He doesn't speak to me and hasn't for two years as I called him out on his behaviour towards her and he tried to assault me.

I work full time and I'm a single parent, I can't have her live with me as I rent a house with stairs and she can't use stairs. My brother works full time and is married but he isn't interested and doesn't even visit her and offers no help at all. We both live 6 miles away from her and I do as much as I can around work and my DD activities to help her.

My dad has now decided over the last two days that he will no longer cook for her or buy any food shopping for her. This is because of a minor disagreement that he blows out of proportion. She is having her shopping delivered by Tesco and is relying on ready meals or sandwiches for food as she can't use an oven due to the oxygen.

Yesterday she told me she wants to die as her final days are being spent in misery living in the house with him. He's also cut her only day out in the week at a daycentre as he is refusing to take her there and collect her. I can't take her as I'm at work, local transport agencies won't take her due to her oxygen. He is also refusing to take her to hospital appointments etc so I'm doing them and taking time off work which can't continue. She could go on patient transport but it takes all day for one appointment and she needs oxygen the whole time.

She not allowed to use anything that would make her life easier, eg dishwasher, tumble dryer or buy any new mobility aids as he thinks they are unnecessary. She has plenty of money and can easily pay for all these things. He makes her wash her own clothes and pots after eating bearing in mind she can hardly stand up.

Yesterday we both cried as she refuses to let me contact social services to get someone in the advise what to do. I've told her he is committing an offence and it's coercive control but she said if she reports him he will make her life even worse.

I've called SS today and spoke to a man who was so unhelpful, I asked if I could just ask some questions of what might happen if we made a referral and would they have to got to the house, he completely refused to engage with me without her consent, I hadn't mentioned names I just wanted to see what options might be open. She's reluctant to give consent as she is so scared of how my dad may react, so I'm stuck.

She needs nursing care and I've broached the subject of a home and she isn't having any of it. She's told me she's trapped and there is nothing that can be done. She owns half their house and it's worth a lot of money and mortgage free, so if she divorced him she'd get half. But does a terminally ill woman of 78 want to do that.

Can anyone point me in the right direction of what we could do or who to contact please as she cannot continue like this.

OP posts:

latenightsnack · 30/08/2019 16:28

Sending loads of support your way OP

I wish I could be of more help but I don't know much about any assistance you could get in the UK. I just felt terrible for having read the whole thing and not saying anything. I empathise with you as this sounds a lot like my late grandmother's situation. I understand your position very well as she moved in with us since she was in a horrible marriage and her other children had no interest in supporting her.

I don't know you but I admire you for being such a thoughtful person and I wish you the best of luck trying to solve this out

MzHz · 30/08/2019 16:32

Could she get herself referred to a hospice? Just leave that awful man behind? She could pay for her care perhaps?

Could you contact her doctor and register your concern and tell them what she’s going through? Would speaking to someone else in SS help?

I couldn’t watch this happen, she deserves as much freedom and happiness as she can have I. The little time she has left.

HappyHammy · 30/08/2019 16:38

Oh my. How horrible. It's really a safeguarding issue that needs sorting out with their social services. If she is refusing their help you can try Elder Abuse UK for advice. I would also ask if her gp or nurse could visit her. She might have a lung nurse specialist or something similar. This is abuse. She deserves to be looked after. She can be moved to a care home for her own safety where he has no control over her. Does anyone have power of attorney.

StitchingMoss · 30/08/2019 16:42

If SS can’t/won’t help at present what about contacting one of the charities such as Age UK or Age Concern and seeing if they have any advice?

Try again with SS too.

You could try contacting your local hospice but I suspect she’s not at the stage where she needs hospice care.

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP. My dad is abusive to my mum but not to the extent you describe. It’s so hard to watch .

HappyHammy · 30/08/2019 16:44

To be honest with this level of abuse and neglect being shown towards a terminally ill woman I would be calling the emergency services to have her taken somewhere safe.

Sugarplumfairyfartface · 30/08/2019 16:46

Oh that is terrible but what would be more terrible is if u don't do anything about it. You have to report him to social services police anyone everyone try and do something he us abusing her she can't do anything about it u have to convince her u have to get her away from him u have to confront him and I would tell her neighbours so they can report too u need advice from people that can help and a care package she will prob have to pay for if she owns half house she should try n get him thrown out and a court order to keep away from her could u poison his tea?! I would try n make her come to you if nothing else get a comode/stairlift at least even if she can't get downstairs she's not being controlled and tortured by your disgusting evil dad

Robs20 · 30/08/2019 16:50

Can her respiratory nurse help organise some care in the community? (Especially if she is willing to pay for it). She could have a carer come in and help with meals/ take her to the daycare centre. This must be awful for your poor mum, and for you to watch it happen :(

HappyHammy · 30/08/2019 16:54

Dont worry about paying for care at the moment. There are schemes for terminally ill people. Could she stay with you for a few days in the lounge with a commode if she cant get to the loo just to get her away from him.

Moondancer73 · 30/08/2019 16:55

I think I'd try again with SS and speak to your mum's GP too. Unless you have consent for them to discuss mum they won't be able to tell you anything but if you call them and make it plain that you have safeguarding concerns they have a duty of care to do something, even just to visit in the first instance which hopefully would trigger SS involvement.
It must be very hard for you. My mum is unwell, and although not terminal or in the same situation it's a tremendous worry. I hope you can get some help

RosaWaiting · 30/08/2019 16:58

I’d second the idea of getting her to stay with you temporarily, with a commode and carer etc. Does she access to cash?

My feeling is that if she can get away from him for a few days, she will see that it’s a good thing for you to call Social Services for help.

WrongKindOfFace · 30/08/2019 17:09

How awful.

How old is your mum? Age U.K. may be able to give some advice about social services and care. I imagine (sadly) that they’ll be experienced in dealing with abusive carers. And yes, as suggested you can discuss your concerns with her gp, although they can only listen and not discuss her.

If she has cash could she take a taxi to the hospital if you’re not available? Could she self fund private accommodation and carers? At least until you can sort benefits.

Berthatydfil · 30/08/2019 17:12

Do you have a POVA team (protection of vulnerable adults) in your council?
This is clearly abuse of a vulnerable person.

itsabongthing · 30/08/2019 17:23

That’s so sad.

The person you spoke to at SS was misinformed as safeguarding should be reported and looked into by them even if consent has not been given.
Obviously it is common with domestic abuse for consent to be complicated as the person does not want to make their situation worse.

In terms of the care side of things, she would need to consent for social service to assess her but I would hope her respiratory nurse might take the lead and liaise with other services as necessary.
She may be eligible for nhs Funded care rather than social services funded.

I would try again to get help from health and social care but this time use the word ‘safeguarding’.

Original poster

WonkyCatissad218 · 30/08/2019 17:27

She can't stay with me as she has special oxygen machines installed in her bedroom and lounge and they can't be moved to mine.

She has thousands in the bank that is in her account and she has full access to it, so can pay for care but doesn't want to. For some reason she doesn't want to spend money.

Everything she does revolves around how he might react. She has to supervise me putting shopping away as 'he flips' if it's in the wrong place.

I'm going to speak to the Sister at the day centre for advice as she knows he's refusing to take her there. She offered the crisis team and mum said no.

OP posts:

RosaWaiting · 30/08/2019 17:33

Tbh I’d be reporting him for abuse, consent or not.

Then I’d try to get mum to a care home as she has the cash, it could be that respite is enough time to get him away.

Or can she pay for a home full stop? It’s terrible but the priority is to get her away.

WrongKindOfFace · 30/08/2019 17:47

What about suggesting she goes somewhere for respite to give them both a break? Hopefully a week or two away might make her more amenable to moving out permanently? She can likely pay for a short stay in a home (although I appreciate you’ve said she isn’t keen on spending the money).

wonderwhat · 30/08/2019 17:54

Jesus. This is one of the worst things I’ve ever read on here. Your poor mum. Your dad is vile and I hope you have no more to do with him once you’ve got your mum safe. What a disgusting man. I hope he’s not getting her share of the house? I’m thinking Age UK too and ask for their help on who to speak to at SS. I really hope you can get her sorted

Belfield · 30/08/2019 18:24

Should your mum instigate divorce proceedings so she can protect her interest in the house. If she forces a sale then she can move and afford a full time carer. If the house is joint tenancy it will automatically go to him. He is probably actively encouraging her early date as dicipable as that sounds

burnyburny · 30/08/2019 18:40

could u poison his tea?!

Yes, because OP really needs that on her plate as well. FFS.

OP, I'm so sorry your mum is going through this and that you are having to witness it. Speak to anyone and everyone that you can - GP's, nurse, social services, police if necessary. You are going to need the support of others as she is clearly not doing herself any favours, through fear of him. But the fact she has the financial means to escape him completely, and still chooses not to, is very worrying.

Is there any chance of you and your dad doing a temporary house swap?

rumred · 30/08/2019 18:45

Can you take a sabbatical op? To take on more caring, which you can get benefits for?
Have you other relatives or friends who you can talk to for support?

user764329056 · 30/08/2019 18:52

So sad OP, could you speak to her GP?

user764329056 · 30/08/2019 18:53

Sorry, have just seen that GP has been suggested, hope you and your mum find the right support xx

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/08/2019 18:55

Just a thought op

Can your mum afford to rent somewhere to live for all 3 of you? You claim carers allowance and or get carers in for her?

ParoxetineQueen · 30/08/2019 18:57

www.elderabuse.org.uk/is-someone-else-being-abused. I’ve had some excellent help from this charity. I think it’s quite small so you might not get through straight away but they did call me back.
You can talk to your Mum’s GP, they won’t discuss her with you but you can tell them of your concerns. I made an appointment for a telephone consultation and Mum’s GP visited her that afternoon. Events overtook us but my concerns were listen to.
Post on the Elderly Parents board, we’re a friendly non-judgemental bunch with loads of practical advice

Oldstyle · 30/08/2019 19:07

I think the issue of your mum saying no to any outside assistance is the major problem to be honest. If she said yes you could:

get a letter from her giving permission for you to talk to her GP, consultant, social care person etc and organise things on her behalf. I had this in very different circumstances with my terminally ill partner and it was a massive help, and took the weight of decisions off his shoulders.
Get in touch (via the GP) with your local hospice team and ask for help and advice re where she could go & what's available at each stage of her illness. My partner 'didn't see the point' while he was still mobile, so I said it was for my benefit, so that I could plan in advance and know how best to be useful. They were a godsend. Worth their weight in gold.

So the question is, how do you persuade her to say yes to help. Would she be persuaded 'for your sake' maybe? Tell her you are so distressed that you can't cope (sounds as if that's true, or soon will be)?

Good luck OP. I do feel for you, and your poor mum.

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