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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need advice for my terminally ill mum who is in an emotionally abusive house

45 replies

WonkyCatissad218 · 30/08/2019 16:08

I need to some advice of where to turn for help with my terminally ill mum.

My mum is very poorly with a terminal lung condition that give a life expectancy of less than two years. She is completely dependant on oxygen, is losing her mobility and cannot cook for herself.

She lives at home with my dad who emotionally and verbally abuses her and does the absolute bare minimum of care for her. He'll cook her one meal a day in the evening and that is it, he won't bring her drinks or make her sandwich or give any personal care.

Everything she asks him to do is met with abuse, profanities, insults and name calling. She is terrified of him so doesn't ask for an easy life. He doesn't speak to me and hasn't for two years as I called him out on his behaviour towards her and he tried to assault me.

I work full time and I'm a single parent, I can't have her live with me as I rent a house with stairs and she can't use stairs. My brother works full time and is married but he isn't interested and doesn't even visit her and offers no help at all. We both live 6 miles away from her and I do as much as I can around work and my DD activities to help her.

My dad has now decided over the last two days that he will no longer cook for her or buy any food shopping for her. This is because of a minor disagreement that he blows out of proportion. She is having her shopping delivered by Tesco and is relying on ready meals or sandwiches for food as she can't use an oven due to the oxygen.

Yesterday she told me she wants to die as her final days are being spent in misery living in the house with him. He's also cut her only day out in the week at a daycentre as he is refusing to take her there and collect her. I can't take her as I'm at work, local transport agencies won't take her due to her oxygen. He is also refusing to take her to hospital appointments etc so I'm doing them and taking time off work which can't continue. She could go on patient transport but it takes all day for one appointment and she needs oxygen the whole time.

She not allowed to use anything that would make her life easier, eg dishwasher, tumble dryer or buy any new mobility aids as he thinks they are unnecessary. She has plenty of money and can easily pay for all these things. He makes her wash her own clothes and pots after eating bearing in mind she can hardly stand up.

Yesterday we both cried as she refuses to let me contact social services to get someone in the advise what to do. I've told her he is committing an offence and it's coercive control but she said if she reports him he will make her life even worse.

I've called SS today and spoke to a man who was so unhelpful, I asked if I could just ask some questions of what might happen if we made a referral and would they have to got to the house, he completely refused to engage with me without her consent, I hadn't mentioned names I just wanted to see what options might be open. She's reluctant to give consent as she is so scared of how my dad may react, so I'm stuck.

She needs nursing care and I've broached the subject of a home and she isn't having any of it. She's told me she's trapped and there is nothing that can be done. She owns half their house and it's worth a lot of money and mortgage free, so if she divorced him she'd get half. But does a terminally ill woman of 78 want to do that.

Can anyone point me in the right direction of what we could do or who to contact please as she cannot continue like this.

OP posts:

cocodash · 30/08/2019 19:10

Omg. Your poor mum.
Never mind social services, I'd be going straight to the police. That is nothing but pure abuse.

itwasthegintalking · 30/08/2019 20:56

You could get her GP to do a safeguarding referral.
Does she have a community palliative care team? They too can do a referral. Look at the age uk website. Best of luck x

Widgetsframe · 30/08/2019 21:32

Can you get a shit hot divorce lawyer involved? Ask for reduced fee for to circumstance. She deserves so much better.

This is such a sad situation, sending love

HappyHammy · 30/08/2019 22:00

She may find inner strength and get away and a divorce. Does he deserve to inherit the house or any money when she sadly passes. She is scared reporting him might make things worse but honestly how much worse can he get. If he was a paid carer he would be arrested for abuse. With her oxygen she may well also have cylinders which are portable if she can go somewhere safe.

sheshootssheimplores · 30/08/2019 22:05

So he’s basically trying to kill your mum as soon as he can do he can access all the money.

Elbbob · 30/08/2019 22:15

Please call social services and say you want to raise a safeguarding alert about your mum who is a vulnerable adult who is being emotionally abused and neglected.
Please also call her GP and raise the same concerns

CIareIsland · 30/08/2019 22:37

Yes you just need to officially inform / report to each authority - SS, police, GP - then they are responsible for following their own professional policies and protocols. It’s just one call or email with her details and examples of what is happening. You don’t have to take responsibility for fighting your Dad - he is not above the law. I hope that you find the focus to do this report.

lalafafa · 30/08/2019 23:15

As she has funds could she pay for meals on wheels or carers to come in daily? Social services can arrange this for her. I understand and it’s very difficult when they won’t spend money though. My dad died of a terminal illness and tried to save every penny he could in his last days, god knows why. Could she go into sheltered housing?

Mary1935 · 30/08/2019 23:22

Could you stand up to the bully and tell him he’d better start treating your mother better or you will call the police?
Your poor mother.

TatianaLarina · 30/08/2019 23:36

Report elder abuse as people have said. I’d also report the SW while you’re at it as he needs more training.

DishingOutDone · 30/08/2019 23:39

Does he go out at all, so that you could have that time to plan? I think the charity @ParoxetineQueen linked to is a really great idea.

When the elderly lady across the road was being neglected, I rang the police and asked for a welfare check. They contacted the GP who then called me to get all the facts and came straight over in her car, banged on the lady's on the door said let me in and then took over the situation. It was all so quick and no one could argue with the GP - she said x y and z will happen, she didn't discuss it. Thats the sort of person you need on your side OP - ring that charity, get in touch with your mum's GP and say she is being abused.

TatianaLarina · 30/08/2019 23:39

Action on Elder Abuse is tel 0808 808 8141.

When you call the council ask for adult safeguarding.

As well as SS, report to her GP.

TatianaLarina · 30/08/2019 23:41

Btw my aunt dreaded going into a home and now she’s there she loves it.

CIareIsland · 30/08/2019 23:50

Your Mum is never going to give you permission as she is the victim here. Your Dad is never going to change. If this was a vulnerable child you would be negligent not to report - your poor Mum is the same a vulnerable elderly lady. Make the call for her. She doesn’t even need to know if was you that reported it. Any HCP or neighbour could have raised a flag.

Mirrormirror999 · 31/08/2019 00:15

THIS what a truly shocking situation!!

Never really thought about what could happen if your ‘carer’ Didn’t care.

hatgirl · 31/08/2019 00:34

I'm a social worker who regularly deals with safeguarding vulnerable adults alerts.

If you copy and paste what you have written in your OP into an email to the council or using their safeguarding reporting form it will be taken seriously but they won't do anything if your mum doesn't consent to it.

The magic words to use when you are talking to/emailing someone about are 'undue influence' 'coercive control' and 'emotional abuse'. You need to be clear as you have been here that she won't consent only due to fear of domestic violence and not because she doesn't want anything yo change.

It's absolutely fine to try and arrange for someone to visit when your dad is out or when your mum has an appointment elsewhere.

I'm sorry the person you spoke to was so unhelpful.

LadyRoughDiamond · 31/08/2019 13:08

I'd also advise speaking to Macmillan Cancer Care as they can advise about the additional care options available and have a counselling service that may help. Your local Macmillan nurse should really be visiting at this stage - they can then liaise with your GP to back you up.

Original poster

WonkyCatissad218 · 31/08/2019 21:58

Thanks everyone, my brother and his wife have been to see her and she's agreed for a SS referral.

MacMillan won't see her as she hasn't got cancer and isn't in need of end of life care yet.

He's still refusing to help her so I'm doing as much as I can. Hopefully my brother will step up to now.

OP posts:

HazelBite · 31/08/2019 22:16

My sister is very poorly with Parkinsons, and has ended up in a Nursing home. I was pleasantly surprised when I first visited with how nice the "home" was, how caring the staff were, and the amount of activities that are arranged for residents. A hairdresser and manicurist visit regularly, and friends and family are always welcome.
I think the difficulty here is that she is so used to her "situation" it is difficult to change her habits and what she is used to.
Perhaps she could be persuaded to visit a local Nursing home, as I think once she realises how much more pleasant her life will be she will want to move.

HappyHammy · 31/08/2019 22:35

That's great.news. make.sure hes not in the same room when she has her assessment. Will you and your db be.able to be there to support her. If she has a.life limiting illness there should be help.availanle through het lung care team. Hospices do look after people who dont have cancer.

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