mother in law moment - do I need to get out more?

[Jasper]

I have a wonderful mother in law who is besotted with all her grandchildren.
My ds has just finished his first week at nursery.
Today I got home from work and he came racing towards me with his first picture he had made at nursery , shouting "I did a picture for you!" and I sat beside him for a while while he talked me through it.( I was pleased to see it was made up of sticky shapes just like the ones we had at school 35 years ago!)
It was a cute mumsy moment and I made a mental note to pin it up in a prominant place, realising it would probably be the first of many and so was a little bit special.
Later that day mil came round and after a while ds brought the picture in to show her, saying "look granny!" and she exclaimed " oh, you've made granny a picture! Oh THANK you! " and she took it off him and stuck it in her handbag!
I was speechless . Of course I also saw the funny side, and I realise I will soon be heartily sick of toddler art. All the same I could feel my hackles rising,just a little.

Tell me I'm being an idiot

jasper

must admit was a bit thoughtless of her to take it off, but she's as proud of ds as you are.
As someone who lost her mil three years ago, make the best of what you have. I didn't always agree with mils' idea, but it was like a light went out when she died. She love the children, would let them do anything they wanted and would always help out.

Jasper, I remember the first trip we took with dd1 when she was about 10 days old. Me, dh, mil and fil went shopping. Me and mil were practically wrestling over who shold push the pushchair. If one of us left go of the handle to look at something, the other one would run up and grab it (yes, 2 grown women acting like toddlers). At the time it really wound me up. Now, almost 6 years and another dd down the line, I can't wait to see her, hand her both of them, and run so fast you can't see me for dust.
No moral to this, really, but your story reminded me.

emieswill. Jasper, understand how you feel but agree, she probably assumed it was for her and wouldn't have dreamt of taking it if she had known you wanted it. Ask her if she wouldn't mind letting you have it back if you really want it and see if you can persuade ds to do another one just for her (or the other way around, another just for you!)

LOL Emsiewill! We have the same scenario now, if we visit mil in Swansea, she immediately commandeers the buggy! But she doesn't see very much of any of her grandchildren (whereas my Mum is around the corner, sees ds all the time) so I let her get on with it.

Oooooo, I would feel the same. My ds is nearly 4 and loves drawing/painting/art-work - we have a pile of new pictures every day. But I have kept every picture he's done and get very upset when he gives them away - as he frequently does. No advice, just sympathy really

These are great responses.
kkgirl, you are so right about appreciating her while she is still here to be appreciated.

I won't ask for the picture back. I think I was just so surprised at myself how my stomach kind of lurched when she grabbed it and stuffed it in her bag! I really could not get over the fact she just assumed it was for her.

I recall a similar incident when she took ds to get his first proper pair of shoes. The first I knew about it was when dh and ds turned up at my place of work with ds sporting a brand new pair of shiny Clarks shoes!I had been really looking forward to taking him to get measured for shoes. I did not mind TOO much when I heard how much they cost

Is it only mils who wind us up like this? Does anyone feel this way about their own Mum? I certainly don't.
Now I am a mother I realise my own mum is practically due a sainthood.

Jasper

Oh I'm sorry but reading the shoe incident has changed my mind. No that is really too much!!!!
MIL should be sensitive to the fact that you would want to choose the first pair of shoes.
Oh that really is naughty, i can imagine you were put out
Didn't your dh realise it would upset you????
Oh, dear. I was really lucky with my MIL and I wish she was still here. My mum is great she doesn't push her views on us, she will be supportive and maybe suggest different ideas but thats all.

Did you say anything about the shoes to indicate you didn't approve, because it will probably continue and you may have to take a stand.

Good luck anyway.

I have just got back from my mil's after a long weekend, she is great but we had a moment when she was going on and on about her neighbour who has her grandson to stay for a week every now and then and he is the same age as my ds. She was saying how great it'll be when my ds go's to stay there on his own and was saying that he's nearly ready to do this now (he's 2.9 months old)After repeating several times 'umm yes I'm sure he'd love to one day' I finally said 'well you also have to wait until the parents are ready of course'.
She was absolutley flabergasted that I said this but I was just being honest, I don't feel he's old enough yet to spend a few days there and also I would miss him desperately!
The other difficult moment I had was ds is pretty much potty trained but has an acute addiction to his willy when its out ( he's potty trained but only without pants if you get my drift) She had arranged for 15 million relatives I've never met before to come for lunch yesterday and I went and got a nappy to put on him for the duration of their visit.
She then went into one, saying I was being silly and no-one would mind if he had an accident (except equally noone would help clear it up I'm sure!) and protested that I was hindering him by doing this. I then got really cross and said that I would be uncomfortable if he suddenly proclaimed very loudly 'look everyone my willy's getting bigger' which is what he is prone to do at the moment! I then left the room, came back and she said 'well I've done what you wanted, I've put a nappy on him', and stormed off.
Does anyone else feel I was being silly? I just find it so awkward with strangers when ds starts talking about his new best friend and I don't believe I was hindering his potty training by him wearing a nappy for a couple of hours!
Maybe its just me????!!

Hi Jessi, do you think you would have reacted differently about ds going to stay if it was your own mother rather than your MIL? I just wondered, since I think it must be difficult being a mil rather than a mother sometimes and maybe she was trying to ask, tactfully, if she couldn't have him to stay sometime? It's great that she wants to see him and have a relationship with him, and presumably, you would get the chance to have time with DH too? Could you start off with just a night (when you feel comfortable with this) so that she does get a chance to spend some extra time with your ds? I do understand, the first time I left ds with dmil overnight (he was 3 months old, had just married ex-dh so it was our wedding night!) I cried and wondered if he would think I'd abandoned him but now, 5 years later he spends a lot of time with her, really loves her and I trust her completely. It is hard to let go at first but was worth it, for me, my ds and (now ex but still involved) mil.

About the willie thing I don't think I would have been bothered about a child that age talking about his willie in company. Personally, I wouldn't have put him in a nappy for this reason alone but I do understand why you wanted to if you didn't know the relatives - I doubt very much that a couple of hours would make any difference to training. Hope this doesn't sound critical, it's not meant to be, just my take on it.

Just got back from staying with my MIL in Yorkshire and it was so sad to see her getting so frail. She really loves ds but will never have the relationship with him that she has with dh's daughter (my stepdaughter, age 11) or with her other much older grandchildren. She feels terribly sad about it too (she can no longer walk downstairs carrying a child, for example). I totally forgave her for nagging me about giving solids when ds was only two months etc. She grew up in a different time, she means well and she finds it so hard that my mum lives nearby and sees ds all the time and she hardly ever sees him.

Hi WWW, I don't think your message was critical at all, I was genuinly asking whether it is just me!
I do find my mil very difficult, even though she is incredibely helpful and very good with ds.
I guess I'm sensitive because since ds was born she's always gone on about how he looks just like her son, what a daddy's boy he is,how pretty dh's ex-girlfriends are etc.
She cannot stand it if ds wants me to do something, ie make his lunch,or go to the park etc and she says 'oh he's being so mumsy, I'd better get out of the way then' invariably leaving me to entertain ds when the whole point of us visiting is for her to spend time with him!
I'm not against ds going to spend a weekend with her, but she lives 3 hours away and its just not that practical. She does stay with us though and we go away (in fact we're going away this weekend and she'll have him then) so its not that I'm trying to stop her having time with him at all.
As for my own mum offering to have ds for a weekend, well she's never asked. We have both the mil and my parents to stay once a month so they see quite alot of ds.
Feel abit silly about the nappy thing in light of what you said, but I just find it so embarassing when theres lots of people around!

My advice would be to leave your ds with her for a weekend! She'll get to know him and you'll have a bit of time on your own - 2.9 is plenty old enough and it might teach your MIL a few things!

We have left dd with my MIL regularly since she was quite young and I can't tell you what a life-saver it is - MIL is welcome to do whatever she likes with dd if it means I get a night or two off!

Jasper - the picture incident sounds like an unfortunate misunderstanding which has left you losing out. So thats a shame, but I wouldn't say it was anything more than that. The shoe incident is IMO a totally different matter and you had every right to be upset with both MIL and DH. If MIL wanted to help with the cost of shoes it wouldn't have taken that much tact for it to be a subsequent pair.

Jessi I don't really think there was anything wrong with your honest comment about the parents being ready. I know that has been the case with DS - he's been ready to stay away before I have. I have found that my MIL loves the idea of DS going to her so that she can equip the house, show him off to the neighbours and do things her way to a greater degree. He's stayed overnight there once but been for a few long afternoons etc. And I will build up to a few more overnights (I suppose...).

jessie, I think you were right to put a nappy on him, especially with all those strangers there (family or not). My MIL could be the subject of a thread of her own but I am not even going to go there tonight (I would still be here typing in the morning). As for the "willy getting bigger" comment I'm glad it is not just my DS1 who announces this, very embarrasing!

As some of you know already, my MIL when invited for meals at our house, turns up with items of food. She used to bring bags and bags of stuff, but I've managed to strip it down to odd items now, by dint of sheer rudeness(!). So, this Sunday she turns up with a jar of marmite - past its sell-by date - and a pork pie. Simply stunning in a surreal sort of way.

My friend is on holiday and she has just sent me a text message to say that her MIL turned up unnanounced at their 2 bed chalet. They have 3 kids and my friend & dh have had to give up their bed for her. What a selfish old cow. However, it seems that she didn't bring enough tablets with her and may have to go home earlier than she planned! There is a God, says the text message!!

This thread reminds me of a woman , who was asked one day by her little boy why his willy kept dying!

does anyone else have a mil who insists all physical traits in her grandchildren are from HER side of the family alone?

When my ds was born one of her first claims was he had fingernails like her father!

More recently she claims his hair colour comes from one of her great uncles....

Jasper - LOL at the fingernails

Jasper, love the fingernails comment! My mil was pretty livid when all the relatives she'd invited at the weekend all remarked how ds is the image of me. According to her he is the image of dh, always has been too.
Demented thanks for your understanding comments! The willy thing is fine when he's not calling all the neighbours out in the garden to come and see it! He remarked yesterday that he'd like to go to the shops to by a new bigger one please! Anyone know how long this particular phase lasts?!

Jasper, me!! I have one of those MIL's - when dd was born she apparently looked like everyone and anyone from her side. When I said she had a birthmark on the back of her neck like I had she wouldn't even agree to this saying all her side had them there. I said to my dh does your mother think I was an incubator and that dd is actually her child? He said she talks a lot of mince and we left it at that.

I have the exact opposite... Mum and MIL argue that my kids look like each other's family... According to MIL, my son looks like my dad and according to my mum, my son looks like my MIL....and it's the same thing for DD.... I gave up !

My ds has extremely blue eyes, I have blue eyes and most of my family have blue eyes but he probably gets them from his cousin, dh side of course.

According to my mother, ds and dd get their intelligence from my dh and their stubborness from me...

However their lean physique and high metabolisms they definitely do get from dh not me...

jessie, my DS is 3 1/2 and thinks the world want to know about his willy. LOL about buying a new one!