I need advice. How do I move on from a hiccup in our relationship?

[yelyahyoung]

Hi everyone. I was a little reluctant to post anything in case I didn’t get any answers like last time.
I’m almost 15 weeks pregnant (yay!) and me and my partner are so in love and so happy with everything at the moment.
We had a little hiccup a few weeks ago and we spoke about it and moved on from it so it’s done and sorted now. It’s all good.
but there’s one thing that just won’t leave my mind! And it’s stopping me from being 100%.
Basically there was a text to his ex (who he is friends with....) on a Wednesday offering to meet her somewhere in 20 minutes. I was out at this point and he had mentioned to me the following weekend that she had text asking him if he was free and if she could pop over but he said he didn’t due to not running it by me first. Of course I was happy about this thoughtfulness, until I discovered that message a couple of days later. He told me the total opposite thing and I just can’t understand why. So she also text inviting him for breakfast a few days later and I decided to question him about it since he hadn’t told me and I had been beside him when he read the text. I also noticed he has deleted all of their messages together. So we got into a bit of an argument and he got very defensive at me. He said he’d deleted the messages because he had a feeling I had gone through his phone? But that he had nothing to hide? ....if he had nothing to hide then why would he feel the need to delete messages?
The offering to meet was the only thing I had seen. I don’t know if they had met up previously or anything. I know he used to meet up with her when he was with another girlfriend and she didn’t know about it - although she was a little crazy and they didn’t get on so well. But still... I hope he wouldn’t do that to me and could feel he could tell me if he must meet up with her.
Ugh I don’t know. I so want to continue being happy and good with my partner but this is JAMMED STUCK at the back of my head. The offering to meet, and the deleting of the messages... Not sure what to think, if anything. Any advice anyone? Thank you!!

Sorry that wasn’t totally clear - she asked to come over on Wednesday, but he said no but he could meet her somewhere else if she wanted. However the following weekend he had just told me she asked to come round but he said no as he didn’t run it by me first. I don’t think he would even have told me if I didn’t choose to talk about his ex in the car that day.
I also should mention we have one of those Ring doorbells that has a camera and captures any motion outside our house. This could be the reason he didn’t want to meet at ours as I would be able to see it as we get notifications come to our phones. But why not just tell me?

I'm sorry, but he just doesn't sound trustworthy. Why is he meeting up with her?

If you were meeting your Ex for breakfast in secret, would he be okay with this?

Is he okay with you having male friends?

He's been less than honest and I wouldn't like it. Personally, I don't believe there's a need to be close to an Ex at all... and it's easy to label his last GF as crazy.

I wouldn't put up it and would rather be with someone I trusted. It's all sneaky and secretive.

Does she know he's in a relationship? Just wondering as she asked to come over to your house/flat.

It sounds like he met her with his previous girlfriend and that he is now meeting her too.... i would be asking him straight what sort of attachment he has to her. I understand exes can remain amicable but friends? That meet up for breakfast? In my experience of men and women relationships id think one or both parties want something more... the fact he has deleted everything proves hes hiding something... amd he will try to hide it even better now the topic has come up. Sorry to hear you're going through this amd also while pregnant.... how disrespectful...

Do they have DC together?
How long ago did their relationship end?
How long have you been with him.

This jumps out...
But still... I hope he wouldn’t do that to me
If he did it to her he will do it to you.

Do you have a friend or family member you can talk to about all of this?

This all sounds very dodgy OP.

I had very similar circumstances with my now DH in the early stages of our relationship. We too talked it through and "sorted it" but it niggled at me. He's subsequently had 2 EA's and I dealt with those in equally a wishy washy manner. I know find myself worn down by it and no longer in love with him.

I'm not saying this to frighten you, I'm saying it to show how patterns of behaviour can continue and repeat. I don't know how is the best way to deal with it as I clearly didn't do it right, but if it's niggling, it will continue to do so. Don't pretend you're still ok with it if you're not. You still have some sorting out to do. Hopefully someone who has worked through such a thing will be along soon with some good advice.

So he was acting shady with this ex with a previous gf and she is now labeled "crazy"

That's you, that is.

He blamed YOUR behaviour for HIS deletion of messages? Yeah right sunshine. He’s full of shit and you are cutting him too much slack.

@SandyY2K I don’t know if they actually have been meeting. I was shocked after reading his message of offering to meet that I put down the phone. I was ready to look again and see even more previous messages but of course now, every message ever is gone. He probably wouldn’t like it if I met up with friends, no. We had a discussion about this actually in the early days (he said he’d feel weird about me going night fishing with my dad and brother because a man was there who had sexually assaulted me. like he was an ex...... that hurt, and I didn’t really get it, but I was like yeah of course I’m not going to go) and he also gets weird about a man who i know (and regrettably slept with at a Christmas party) if he ever texts me. I hardly talk to him as I’m just not interested but it nags at him I know it does. The male friends part will have to be irrelevant at this point as I work in an all male environment lol. And yeah, I totally agree about no need to be friends with an ex. His ex really is crazy though - for starters, they have a child and she has built up this massive lie that is so hard to get out of about him being the real dad. The daughter doesn’t know. So that’s another important thing to all this - I don’t know why’d he’d cheat on me or meet up in secret and take everything for granted if he finally has a chance at being a dad now. And yes she does know we are together. She also congratulated him on our pregnancy announcement saying she’s really happy for him. He didn’t reply.

@Livelovelearn1 this is also my exact thought process. I don’t understand why you’d want to meet an ex for breakfast. That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do lol. Exes are exes for a reason. He says he doesn’t see her as a priority if she texts and this is why he hasn’t told me. Apparently he doesn’t need to report in. This wasn’t what I was even suggesting - I was just asking if he could be a little more open with me with it. And I told him I am uncomfortable with them meeting if they ever decided to think about doing so. I don’t understand why he would want to be involved with her... their relationship was extremely toxic, they were always arguing and cheating. If ever I have been in a bad relationship, that is bloody it for me!

@hellsbellsmelons they have no children together which is what makes it even more weird. They split 7 years ago. Yup I believe that too (him doing it to me too) and I mentioned this to him and his response was something like I don’t trust him and he hasn’t given me reason not to. Which is true but I am still extremely weary about all this. I question whether people can change.

@Needsomebottle I’m sorry you’ve had to go through the same. It really does niggle at you and wear you down. Thank you very much for your words.

He's cheated on his last gf with his ex as well
Notice the pattern here op

Why does he even need to be in contact with his ex?

Shady af

@AnyFucker don’t judge what you don’t know lol. She is bat shit crazy. Lies to everyone about who her kids father is just because she made a mistake and got too far into the lie. Threatened to kill him if he ever told anyone. The list goes on. Thanks for your helpful comment though sweety.

@Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah I defo am cutting him too much slack. Just not sure how to approach the situation yet again. I feel like he will just go way too mad, or end up actually going elsewhere. I’ve been in an abusive relationship previously and so I don’t know how to approach this situation. I just expect anger and pure rage even if I won’t get it.

She’s probably been texting him asking to get back together and that’s why he’s deleted the messages. If she’s asking to come see him it’s a possibility. He may have told her no as he’s with you and you may have nothing to worry about. But he could just tell you this, better to be honest. Secrets usually lead to heartbreak.

My advice would be just ask him outright why he felt the need to delete the messages and what was in them worthy of deleting? Is she trying to get back with him? Tell him to be honest with you for the sake of your baby. Tell him you don’t want him contacting her anymore, if they don’t have children together then that have no reason to. If he can’t give you an explanation to that then your better off without him.

although she was a little crazy and they didn’t get on so well.

I bet he told you that, didn't he?

I wouldn't trust him at all tbh.

@Shoxfordian don’t think he cheated on his last girlfriend, but they met up for breakfasts without either of their partners knowing. I would never do that. He cheated on the ex in question though, apparently to get back at her because she was cheating first. Immature as hell if you ask me. But it is what it is. He’s not cheated anywhere else in a relationship as far as I know. Not sure what to think

Can you approach this ex and ask her her side of the story? I think I’d want to know what was going on if this man is going to be the father of your child.

They have no dc.

There’s no reason to meet except for sexual intercourse purposes.

He deletes messages because he’s not being honest.

and he hasn’t given me reason not to
Just re-read your opening post.
He has given you loads of reasons not to trust him.
He meets up with an Ex that he has no children with. Why?
He deletes messages from her.
That's plenty to create mistrust.

Wake up and smell the coffee OP.

I don't understand staying in touch with exes unless there's children involved. He seems quite evasive about it all. Not a good sign

@Imtrying2 not sure if she has asked that outright. But she is currently having a bad time with her husband and they are probably going through divorce. So that’s no good for anyone in this situation. I have no doubt in my mind she still has feelings for him - he said she used to go on at him to get back together and that he was the one. I don’t think he feels the same but perhaps a little torn? I don’t know? She has a little girl with her husband. Who she said she was going to bring over if she came over on the weekend. Another event I didn’t know about.
It literally could be just innocent especially if she was going to bring her little girl. My partner has also said he’d take me along to a meeting when I asked if he’d ever meet up with her again. So he said ‘no only if you were gonna come with me’. But I don’t want to sit there in my house with someone he used to fuck lol, drinking tea and playing happy families. Noooooo thanks.
So I go through all the ‘it could just be innocent, it could just be he doesn’t want to upset me by meeting up’ but then I think well no because you should just tell me. And then there’s the deleted messages!! Why!! So frustrating.
Anyway. Thanks for your advice - I will totally go with that and just ask him. If it gets bad I’ll just go stay elsewhere for a couple of nights. Hopefully he won’t turn to her.

Personally, OP I think you are being a bit controlling and have trust issues. People have different relationships with different exes. They can vary from never want to see again to a sister/brother type relationship. I would just sit down and ask him, how do you see this person? Are they a good friend? An acquaintance? Or what?

At some point you have to trust him. That means NOT going through his phone, and NOT interrogating him about every text or meet up with an ex. I wound be incandescent with rage if my DH were doing what you are doing to me. Especially if you follow some of the advice on her telling you to tell him to cut her out of his life or else. That is controlling behaviour when you monitor your partners communications, whereabouts and control who they can be friends with.

@MashedSpud
They have no dc.There’s no reason to meet except for sexual intercourse purposes. He deletes messages because he’s not being honest.

FFS. Exes with kids are MORE likely to hop into bed than those without.
What do you mean “no reason..except for sex”? So a person can never be friends with an ex ever? And if they meet they just have to fuck like mindless rabbits?
Oh, and people upset with a partner snooping through their phone and violating their privacy so they start deleting messages automatically means they are dishonest rather than upset they have no privacy?

This is awful awful for you to say. It’s rank with misandrist assumptions.

@yelyahyoung
“But I don’t want to sit there in my house with someone he used to fuck lol, drinking tea and playing happy families. Noooooo thanks. ”

This is a very immature prejudice tbh. She might be a really nice person and a good friend. So what if they had sex ages ago before he even met you?

@Janus would that be a good idea? Would it not cause a whole load of shit? I can friend request her on Facebook, since he seems so confident that we could all be the bestest of best friends. But what if he gets defensive about it? I have definitely thought about this and I’m trying to figure out if it’s a good next step or not.

@MashedSpud yeah totally. But he works a lot, 6am-5:30pm on weekdays and from 6 until 10 or 11 on Saturdays and some Sundays. It’s up to him when he finishes so I don’t know the exact times for the weekend so that would be his only window of opportunity. I thought about finding out when he clocks out as we work in the same place but in different ‘departments’ if you will, but I just don’t know who i can trust. I don’t want to be wrong and them telling him I’ve asked about when he finishes or whatever.

@hellsbellsmelons yes definitely. There are more and more reasons to give as examples come our next discussion about this! He hasn’t deleted the conversations since he deleted the others, they have remained. They are just ordinary normal chit chat, not many messages have accumulated yet, and they were just friendly chit chat before. Apart from that one I saw of offering to meet. Can’t shake that one.

@Shoxfordian I know. Not a good sign at all!

I'm not so sure this is a small hiccup - he sounds shady and untrustworthy, and I don't think it's surprising that it's playing on your mind. It's very hard to move on from someone proving they can't be trusted.

Here OP,
You are showing signs of being a controlling partner.

A controlling partner might:

Try to tell you who you can and cannot hang out with.
Are they jealous or protective of you when you are around certain people? This can become controlling once they start trying to keep your away from your friends.

Try to tell you where you can and cannot go.
Similarly to the wardrobe, they will try to control where you go so they can keep a certain hold on you.

Accuse you of lying with little or no evidence.
Do you always find yourself being accused of lying about things like where you were or who you were with? They always seem paranoid that you are doing something to betray them.

Accuse you of cheating on him/her.
Does your partner repeatedly accuse you of being unfaithful? Controlling people will often be the ones with trust issues because they feel insecure.

Be unreasonably demanding.
Those who try to control others will often express their wishes in the form of an order instead of asking. Pay attention to how they are framing their suggestions. Is it a demand or a request?

Resort to threats, ultimatums, or blackmail.
With more intense situations, they will try to use tactics to instill fear and intimidation in order to get you to submit to their demands.

Make you feel like you always have something to prove to them.
Do they repeatedly manage to keep you on your toes and walking on eggshells to prove that you are worthy of them?

Constantly check up on you and might even spy on you.
Are they always calling to check in to where you are or what you are doing? Have you ever caught them looking in on you in person, on your phone, or on any of your social network accounts?

Invade your privacy.
Do they take an issue with you having private phone or text conversations? Have they ever asked to have any of your passwords to any of your online accounts? Ask yourself how you feel about your privacy and do you feel your need for your space is being honoured.

domesticviolenceuk.org/signs-controlling-behaviour/

Being friends with an ex...not a huge issue...meeting up behind your back....big red flag.