I need advice. How do I move on from a hiccup in our relationship?

[yelyahyoung]

Hi everyone. I was a little reluctant to post anything in case I didn’t get any answers like last time.
I’m almost 15 weeks pregnant (yay!) and me and my partner are so in love and so happy with everything at the moment.
We had a little hiccup a few weeks ago and we spoke about it and moved on from it so it’s done and sorted now. It’s all good.
but there’s one thing that just won’t leave my mind! And it’s stopping me from being 100%.
Basically there was a text to his ex (who he is friends with....) on a Wednesday offering to meet her somewhere in 20 minutes. I was out at this point and he had mentioned to me the following weekend that she had text asking him if he was free and if she could pop over but he said he didn’t due to not running it by me first. Of course I was happy about this thoughtfulness, until I discovered that message a couple of days later. He told me the total opposite thing and I just can’t understand why. So she also text inviting him for breakfast a few days later and I decided to question him about it since he hadn’t told me and I had been beside him when he read the text. I also noticed he has deleted all of their messages together. So we got into a bit of an argument and he got very defensive at me. He said he’d deleted the messages because he had a feeling I had gone through his phone? But that he had nothing to hide? ....if he had nothing to hide then why would he feel the need to delete messages?
The offering to meet was the only thing I had seen. I don’t know if they had met up previously or anything. I know he used to meet up with her when he was with another girlfriend and she didn’t know about it - although she was a little crazy and they didn’t get on so well. But still... I hope he wouldn’t do that to me and could feel he could tell me if he must meet up with her.
Ugh I don’t know. I so want to continue being happy and good with my partner but this is JAMMED STUCK at the back of my head. The offering to meet, and the deleting of the messages... Not sure what to think, if anything. Any advice anyone? Thank you!!

@DoomsdayCult thanks for your comment and... criticism, if you will. Not meaning to sound sarcastic by the way lol. I understand people remain friends with their exes, and people can choose who their friends are, I absolutely 100% know that and agree. I have never said to him who he can and can’t talk to and whatever else, as that is controlling behaviour. I don’t get weird about him being friendly with his other ex. They have a kid and it’s the only way he gets to see her. I don’t not trust him there. I never not trusted him before. But THIS... is a feeling in my gut. You always trust your gut. He can be friends with her, whatever, but why LIE about it? Why keep it a secret? Why hide stuff? Why delete messages? And yes I also understand about the invasion of privacy here - I do genuinely feel absolutely awful about this. I just wish he’d talk to me about things. It’s not like I’ve ever flipped out at him or anything. I’m not a person to even raise my voice lol I am an adult and I prefer to talk, not yell. And yeah, maybe she is a nice person. It’s just not something I am personally comfortable with is all. I would be fine with the situation if I just had answers and was kept in the loop a little bit. I really don’t think it’s much to ask.

@DoomsdayCult thanks for that list lol but I have not told him what to do, where he can and can’t go, who he can and can’t talk to, what he is and isn’t allowed to do, never checked up on him by ringing where he is etc etc. I have already admitted about looking at texts but that’s it. And I’ve already explained my reasons for that before I posted this comment. I would never keep my partner out in the dark about anything. I tell him everything.
I have been through a traumatic abusive relationship so I know the signs pretty well, thanks.

If you look @Doomsdays advice from a different perspective it might help you decide what to do. You are exhibiting some of these behaviours, at the very least you are suspicious and mistrusting. Specifically in relation to this man and no one else. He brings it out in you along with the love and happiness. Personally these are contradictory emotions.

Is this who or what you want to be? The reasons you give, a gut feeling and his disingenuous behaviour won’t ever be resolved. The only response you have is to check up on him and monitor his communications and behaviour. This is you trying to control another person. Which ultimately you can’t do and shouldn’t do.

My own view on this is that this is a man with a lot of ex’s kicking around. I’m not sure how significant any of these relationships can really have been to him at least. I agree that some people can be friends after a sexual relationship. That’s not a red flag for me. But I would want to know more about his relationship cv. Liking to have a significant other and wanting to commit to a partner are not the same thing. He has had at least 2 toxic relationships and he has cheated.

So him and his last Ex, don't actually have a child together, because he's not the father.

Did he ever think he was the father? If not why would he allow the child to think that?

I'm not sure why you've posted this thread? He's a shady shit but you seem to think it's up to you to move on from this. He's a cheat and liar. If that's what you want in a relationship then knock yourself out 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was the ex-gf in a similar situ many yrs ago..we split up i was dating&myexP had new gf &id always know if she was working sleepovers as he'd txt/try calling asking for another go&if not,can i explain why&in person etc so he can understand better!!-just totally unwilling to let it go but as i was dating other guys i just laughed it off&barely txt back apart from to tell him to shove it..i didnt even think they were serious until i saw her in the town&she was preggers-i..guys can be duplicitous bastards. Urs clearly is wanting his sausage battered every which way-so id say leave..ur subconciouss is nagging u for a reason-please dont ignore it..

“but I have not told him what to do, where he can and can’t go, who he can and can’t talk to, what he is and isn’t allowed to do, never checked up on him by ringing where he is etc etc.”

• You have told him that you would be uncomfortable if he met up with the ex in question.
• You have invaded his privacy and monitored his texts to her and argued with him because he deleted HIS texts on HIS phone because you suspect him of cheating and he must share all his communications with you to prove he is not.
• You are seriously considering calling his work to check on when he arrives and leaves there.
• You admit he has never given you any reason not to trust him (ie past affairs)
• You think he’s keeping the ex a secret when he has kept you in the loop and run things by you every time, just not with 100% accuracy as to who invited who (so what, no one has a perfect memory)
• You mention you have CCTV cameras on your front door so you can see who he has over when you are not there.
• You have said you are “defo cutting him too much slack” indicating you desire more control
• You mention that if he refuses to comply with your demands, you will simply leave and stay elsewhere for a few nights (presumably until he apologises and caves).

Sorry, but you are engaging in controlling behaviours that will destroy your relationship. Abused people can easily become abusers because of the psychological damage of abuse.

@SandyY2K no, he does have a child. With his previous girlfriend, not the ex in question. She just tells everybody including the daughter that another man is her dad. She is 10 now and partner finally was able to take DNA test when she was 5. Ex dug herself so far into her own lie and threatened everyone, he can’t even has access to his own daughter properly. It’s super upsetting. Sorry it’s confusing.

And everyone else yes ok, I have been thinking about things from @Doomsdaycult’s perspective. I do not agree I am controlling but I do agree that I have trust issues. Clearly. I just needed to talk about what is going on is all, to see if it’s anything. I love him so much and I can’t wait for our baby to arrive and I so don’t want anything to jeopardise that. He’s gonna be so happy to be a dad. That’s what it all boils down to. I have always said if someone wants to cheat on me, whatever, but that’d be it. But what I believe is going on here is not that he is cheating on me. I know that for certain, that’s not what my gut is telling me. There’s just something fishy about it is all, the fact he deleted messages from this girl when we hadn’t even spoken about her. So even if it was because he was upset I had invaded his privacy, why delete messages from ONLY this girl specifically. When we hadn’t even mentioned a word of her. That’s the only thing I don’t get here.
I think the best thing to do here is to just move on and keep myself busy so to not let it niggle at me.
Thanks everyone.

Thanks for clarifying him being the dad...I was a bit confused with it all.

I don't think you're controlling OP. Not at all. He's being shady.

It's often these shady partners who wouldn't like it, if you did the same thing.

I wouldn't be happy if my DH was having conversations about meeting an Ex for breakfast and he wouldn't be happy if I did it either.

I don't feel this kind of regular contact with Ex partners is necessary. Especially when you don't have kids together.

She's having issues with her DH and the person she's talking to about it is her Ex... I think that's inappropriate and he's unlikely to give impartial advice when she's moaning about her marital issues.

I've heard this from 3 angles in the past...

1. The Ex wife who says her H started getting confiding in an OW about their issues....and it led from there to an affair.

1. The OW, who says she was being a support to the MM and through that they developed feelings for each other.... leading to him being her soulmate and the rest of it.

1. The BH, who says his wife started confiding in another man, often a colleague/old friend stating all his faults and shortcomings, having nothing positive to say about him or the marriage and that gives the OM a perfect idea of what she wants and he can use this to his advantage, knowing the marriage/relationship is on shaky ground and is vulnerable.

I wouldn't like it if my OH discussed our personal issues with an Ex. This is how boundaries are crossed and often how affairs start.

I've seen it time and time again.

In my opinion, he turns his exes crazy because of his behaviour! He is never truly with anyone and never lets go and you all seem to accept it on one level but start behaving (understandably) a little crazy.

He's got a kid who isn't openly his with one woman, is still meeting an ex who has a child which isn't his and you are pg with his child whilst he's still.messing around with his exes...how are you supposed to be happy and comfortable with that??

Exactly Musti well said

He sounds like he likes drama and to be cock of the henhouse.

Your partner has had a long term secret relationship with this woman that has continued over the course of two different relationships. He is comfortable with lying and this should ring big alarm bells for you.

I couldn't tolerate this personally.

You aren't being controlling, OP. Your boyfriend had been untruthful and shady. No wonder you're anxious and desperate to know what he has been up to.

This is no way to live - you deserve better.

There are no hard and fast rules here, only you know the situation. If you are not comfortable with it then he needs to appreciate this.
You may or may not be controlling depending on how you look at it.
If he's not up to anything then he shouldn't make it look as if he is....... A massive head fuck for you. I don't think I could cope if I knew she wanted him back, maybe this is an ego boost that he needs to put to one side for you.