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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do some couples not split despite not loving each other anymore

38 replies

Lemonysnickered · 29/08/2019 23:24

And knowing the kids are affected by a toxic relationship, if money is not an issue or at least not a major issue ?

OP posts:
EL8888 · 29/08/2019 23:29

Lots of reasons lm guessing. Financial reasons, religions reasons, cultural reasons, poor self esteem etc

SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2019 23:29

I would hang on longer in a relationship with kids than not kids if I thought I would have to lose time with them (eow etc). I would cling for dear life if I thought I'd lose them 50% or more.

It's easy to convince yourself the kids are better of with you together, that joint finances and one family in one home will go further for them than two seperate finances with two separate houses, new partners, step kids, half siblings etc. That the pain of losing a parent for most of the week is worse than the arguments. That maybe the other person won't step up and make the financial and emotional provision they should if the you're not together.

TimeForNewStart · 29/08/2019 23:33

Fear of the unknown.

ladamanera · 29/08/2019 23:34

Because unlike Mumsnet “ just LTB” gospel if nothing is acute or abusive it is protracted, awkward, sad, painful, unpredictable and socially embarrassing - not to mention a jolt into the unknown- and a lot of people are just too tired.
I left a man who wasnt right for me but is neither a bastard nor a villain - just so lazy I delt my life was draining out of me like a hung pig. and my god the last two years have been a nightmare. Not regretted it fora second - definitely did the right thing- but it is fucking horrible to go through. Awkward friends, unsettled children, explanations, endless talks, inlaws to appease, fonances to sort, bitten tongues, tactless playground gossip and increased admin- all for freedom..

Can totally see that had he been 25% more tolerable and I’d been 25% more distracted with a shitter group of friends, I would have probably talked myself out of it.

Glad I didnt but in my opinion that is why.

Original poster
Lemonysnickered · 29/08/2019 23:48

But what is better for kids? A committed parent staying with an uncommitted parent raising children (solo ) in a toxic environment or separate homes but with committed parent 11/14 days?

OP posts:
user764329056 · 29/08/2019 23:57

IMHO better for kids to be in an environment without underlying or abject hostility/tension/full blown arguments, whatever form the toxicity takes. I think the damage to children caused by an unhealthy home is often downplayed and minimised but can have long-term effects and repercussions that become embedded and difficult to address for those children in adulthood, living that way when you’re young distorts your experience of what is safe, secure and to be trusted

fandabbyfannyflutters · 29/08/2019 23:58

Parents splitting is an adverse event that affects children for many years in the future. Not just that initial trauma of the separation but in terms of attachment and forming loving relationships and trust in the future. It does shock me tbf how people on here say ltb like it's just chucking an old dress away

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2019 00:00

But what about those 3 days when you aren't sure they'll be looked after, or the nights of them crying because even tho he fought with Mommy they still miss him. I'm not saying it's better to stay, but I'm saying it is easy to see how it's a hard call to make when the decision to leave is a huge upheaval that, as per ladamanera can take years to get through. Burying your head in the sand might just be easier to tolerate

Original poster
Lemonysnickered · 30/08/2019 00:05

Do you think it may be any easier for the kids when the father is literally physically and emotionally absent and disinterested In putting the work into parenting?

OP posts:
BoopBoopedooBoo · 30/08/2019 00:05

My DP was with his first serious girlfriend for twenty years. Despite growing apart before the end of the first decade and never having shared the same bedroom (this is going to be outing even without the extra details). She was also clearly shagging someone else for a while before it came out that she was. He just says it was easier to just carry on as they did. They had their own rooms, did their own things, he moved out a few years before they split, and she moved miles away. Dysfunctional or what. Actually you know what, it probably explains the problems WE have.

BizzzzyBee · 30/08/2019 00:08

I wouldn’t leave my DH. I couldn’t give up my DC for him to have access. I want my DC in my home with me all the time, and I want them to be the sole beneficiaries of their father. I don’t want girlfriends or stepkids (or god forbid a second wife or bio child) taking away any part of DH’s time or money from my DC.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2019 00:18

@Lemonysnickered if he's physically absent that much, I can see it being easier to stay and muddle through when he is there. Even though he's physically and emotionally disinterested, would he insist on access to spite the wife who dares to leave him and then what concerns are their for the kids welfare when they're with him? Or if he doesn't have access what impact on the kids? If he has further kids?

BackforGood · 30/08/2019 00:24

A couple feeling they don't really love each other anymore, but carrying on as companions or even in a sort of 'housemate' relationship, is a very long way from a 'toxic relationship'.
Which are you talking about ?

I agree with all the above replies - it isn't so easy as you'd think to "just separate" or "ltb" (as MN would say). Perhaps people like being able to afford to live in a house near the dcs school and have a garden and run a car etc. If a couple are going to have to start funding 2 homes, then it gets a lot more expensive and complicated in terms of childcare etc etc.

boringornot · 30/08/2019 00:25

What do you want to hear, OP? Some people are just not strong enough to go through a divorce, or they're still normalizing what is a toxic marriage.

It took me 10 years to find the courage to leave. Before that I was too tired, too scared and too used to second guess myself , because I grew up in a toxic family and I never learnt that my feelings do matter.

Original poster
Lemonysnickered · 30/08/2019 13:59

The reason i posted is because Im wondering if I am being too hasty.My husband has said that he doesnt know if he loves me anymore and has refused to go to marriage counselling.I have told him that I dont really see any way back from this.
This has come as a shock as Im sure you can understand.He is a very quiet man who doesnt really talk to me or our kids and is very disengaged from family life.He has always been selfish and Ive enabled that by raising our children almost single handedly while he worked all the hours and pursued his hobbies.This is my fault I know that.I was walking on eggshells trying to keep him happy as he is moody and grumpy and as my 16 year old daughter recently said, he is terrifying when he is angry as he shouts and uses very bad languauge. I have spent years and tears trying to encourage him to engage in family life and it has been to our detriments as he has had no interest in engaging as a father or a husband.I never know what mood he will be in when he walks in the front door .He comes home from work at7\8pm.He eats, sits, goes on his phone, watches tv and falls asleep on the settee until he wakes at 2am and wakes me up when climbing into bed, only to be gone again to work at 7am and again, wakes me up.
I am to blame for tolerating it.He wouldnt hear of separate rooms.
He seems to have no idea how to parent as he has not been present.I pushed it too far and when he did engage with our children he would be impatient and lose his temper if they didnt obey him straight away.
I would then get involved to try and keep the peace but I was seen as critical, negative and he could never do anything right.
I know now that his relationship with his kids was not my business but I found it hard to stay out of it when I knew the roaring and shouting were all to do with his frustration at having to parent.
I have been lonely in my marriage for years. He doesnt talk to me, has no interest in my life and is dull around me.He comes alive when out socialising or with friends.It always hurt me very much.
My original post was to ask, in a roundabout way, are things too good to leave or too bad to stay and why would people stay if they could go? Financially, I will manage and he will support our children and our children would be with me 12\14 days but see their dad two evenings on top of this, for a few hours.He is happy with that.Its more than he sees them at the moment.We have not not been on good terms for one month and the children havent even noticed such is the norm in our home.
Thanks for reading this long piece.Its been so helpful to even write it all down.This only happened a number of days ago so Im still very sleep deprived and confused and need the guidance thanks.

OP posts:
boredboredboredboredbored · 30/08/2019 14:02

Because mine wasn't toxic. We were friendly and kind to each other. Why does it always have to be toxic? We all stood to lose a lot, that includes the dc.

We lasted 16 years, the dc were 12 & 13 and it came to a now or never moment. It's been 3 years and it was the best think I've ever done.

If I had my time again I'd still hold on for 16 years as it gave my young dc a stable home with happy ish parents.

Original poster
Lemonysnickered · 30/08/2019 14:13

What would any of you do in
My situation. Theee kids. 10-16 . One with Hfasd

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 30/08/2019 14:22

What would any of you do in My situation. Theee kids. 10-16 . One with Hfasd

Doesn't seem like you have much choice. He's checked out of the marriage already and won't agree to counselling. You can't force him to stay so let him off. I assume he will leave given that he's the one who has chosen to end things.

PicsInRed · 30/08/2019 14:26

Do you think your husband may also have hfasd?

Original poster
Lemonysnickered · 30/08/2019 14:29

I guess you are right. I’m still So shocked . We have a house in a lovely area where all their friends live and right beside their school
And activities plus it’s a smaller house with a small mortgage with smaller bills.tjey have always wanted to move back there . Our current house will be far too expensive, all things considered , to stay in but I don’t want to unsettle them Even further .im not sure how they will react. I imagine they will be devastated but
They don’t see him much or have much of s relationship with him . My youngest has gone through quite a period of
Separation anxiety and has shadowed me since May, so I am also very worried about him. He seems to have improved very much over the summer and is doing well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemonysnickered · 30/08/2019 14:30

I have wondered @PicsInRed

OP posts:
SophieSong · 30/08/2019 14:35

Of course it's your business how he relates to the children. The new scenario you describe sounds better all round. Are you saying you also already have a second house in an area the kids like with their activities and school close by? Because if so, I can't see how it would be a negative for them.

How do you feel about living without such a miserable and grumpy person all the time?

SophieSong · 30/08/2019 14:37

You do know that without the weight of his negativity around your neck you are likely to have a home for your children that is far more positive, productive and peaceful, right?

Original poster
Lemonysnickered · 30/08/2019 14:40

Oh thank you so much for those lovely messages. My heart is so heavy that those comments have really lifted me up . Children would under normal
Circumstances love to live there and yes we have a house back there that we can move to . Might be a strong positive for them. Also they’ve begged for a dog for years but we couldn’t get one. Maybe now we can and it may add to the lovely happy atmosphere I’m hoping to create

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemonysnickered · 30/08/2019 14:41

I look forward not to have to walk on eggshells any more @SophieSong and feel like I was undermining him every time there was trouble with kids

OP posts:
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