Why do some couples not split despite not loving each other anymore

[Lemonysnickered]

And knowing the kids are affected by a toxic relationship, if money is not an issue or at least not a major issue ?

It's not necessarily toxic.

They recognise that love and commitment are not just based on the whimsy of emotions.

They want to keep a stable home for their children.

They made vows and actually meant them.

Et cetera.

I have wondered@PicsInRed

It wouldn't change what action you needed to take for your own happiness, but it could help with behavioural context and strategies to manage ... especially through separation.

I think it sounds like he has actually given you a gift here by bringing up splitting. I love the idea of you getting a dog for you and the kids to enjoy! And you all safe and sound and happy in a relaxed, positive household.

I hope you make these ideas a reality.

I was in a similar situation, with someone who was emotionally and physically absent from both our relationship and with the kids, although he didn't get angry or anything like that. He was just disinterested. I would describe it like he was a casual bystander in our lives. I was very lonely in our marriage for quite a few years, and did all of the child raising. I used to cry myself to sleep every night, because I thought the best thing to do was to put up with my unhappiness so that our family stayed together for the kids.

Then a couple of things happened that were like the straws that broke the camels back, and I had the courage to tell him that I wanted to separate. Things aren't perfect, by any means, but goodness me are they better than they were! The kids are happy, I'm happy, and I've met someone else who has shown me what real love and good parenting is - he has children of his own and is a fantastic dad. My ex is still disinterested. He has the kids a couple of nights a week, but often plans his leisure activities so that he can't have them. His loss, as far as I'm concerned.

Things are still a bit tangled up financially, but I can see that the kids and I are going to be so much better than we would have been if I'd just carried on.

The people responding, oh it doesn’t have to be toxic, we’re like housemates and it’s fine, etc - I think there is a difference between being in an unhappy relationship, and being in one which is benign. If you get on well and choose to stay and bring up a family, that’s different from the “sake of the children” position - where people are enduring it. My mum and stepdad stayed together for me and my siblings benefit and we all wish they hadn’t. They are very unhappy and we have all had relationship issues as adults which relate in different ways to what we learned about relationships as children, from what we saw.

I'd take his offer. Your DC are probably old enough to decide if they want the minimal contact he has requested and if you can financially agree things then it sounds like you should split. Just think how you will be able to breathe when not wlaking on eggshells!

The people I know who have stuck together did it purely for financial reasons where a split in finances wouldn't have allowed for 2 households to be created and a fear of going back into renting with no hope of ever owning, especially if they were older couples or had not got stable employment.

If any of them won the lottery they'd be off

You can create a happier atmosphere and you also deserve to have a partner who is engaged and interested in you. Speaking from experience, having a selfish, arrogant, disinterested lover/partner is corrosive and wears away at your soul. If I didn’t have kids I’d be gone like a shot. I’m staying because I can’t bear the thought of another woman waking them up in the morning and getting bedtime cuddles. That’s it. That’s the reason I stay. I’m not sharing my kids with another woman unless I absolutely and utterly have no choice eg he shags around.

I’ve heard all of these; step mums (not wanting one), kids living between 2 houses, money or not possible due to cost of rent or mortgage in area and many more reasons!

How would you get a dog working full time?

OP,
Your situation is so similar to mine. For various reasons, I hung on far too long (although, tbf, ExH was also good at manipulation situations so it was almost impossible for me to leave - including financial abuse)

I opted for splitting, and it took me nearly 2 years to get him out of the house. He wouldn’t leave, as he ‘believed’ it to be in the children’s best interests to not have a split family!

Anyway, long story short, he finally went at the beginning of the year, and honestly, it’s never been better. Aside from the fact that I know the dc are stressed when visiting him. That is really hard to accept, but ultimately, I figured that 11/12 days of peace, calm and stability, and 2/3 days of more chaotic, stress filled time each fortnight was better than the utterly awful example of family life they were getting when we were together.

Eldest 2 dc (young to mid teens) pick and choose when they want to see him. Middle dc in particular struggles with spending expended time with him, and mostly,doesn’t want to stay overnight. Youngest is currently too young to choose, but even they have started to chat openly about aspects of life there they don’t like.

All I can do is support them through this.

From my perspective, I would say onwards and upwards.

If you get on well and choose to stay and bring up a family, that’s different from the “sake of the children” position - where people are enduring it.

It's different, but it's not necessarily any different in terms of "toxicity".

You can be in an acceptable home situation that isn't IDEAL but day to day is fine and not causing anyone any grief. Sure you could leave and be having a hanging from the chandeliers experience with someone else but life is fine, not toxic, with no fights etc. Indeed I imagine this is probably the default for most people.

@fandabbyfannyflutters

If the parents are at the point where they want to split up then the home is already a broken home...so the damage would be done either way, and probably even more damage is done when they witness the parents staying together but it's clearly a toxic or broken relationship.

Those children in studies are compared to children in happy homes!

I'm sure that some people manage to hide most of the tension and that's great but it's not always possible. The last year before I split up with my kids father was awful, the tension was unbearable, now we get on great and the kids have a happy home with me and are happy with their dad on weekends. In our case it would have done far more damage to the kids if we stayed together.