Sad and inappropriate workplace crush

[CheckingOutTheQuantocks]

I am a middle aged woman who has developed a silly little "thing" for a guy at work and I could really do with some straight talking MN advice on getting over it!

For context, I work in a small office with a handful of other people. The man who has unwittingly become the object of my affections doesn't work with me directly but I do see him a few times per week and we're on friendly chatting terms. He is absolutely nothing like the type of men I might usually go for and we don't have the same views on a lot of fairly major issues. None of this has stopped me

He's married with children so I wouldn't dream of pursuing him or trying to work out if he was interested. He has never shown any signs of seeing me in that way at all.

I think tbh I'm just latching onto him because I've been unhappily single for a very long time and I don't have anyone else to focus my feelings on. Possibly there's an element of him being "safe" because nothing is ever going to happen with him.

Any words of advice/kicks up the arse are welcome. I feel really pathetic but it's also making me feel self conscious around him, and I don't want it to become noticeable and weird!

You're over thinking this. It's just a silly crush that you know isn't going anywhere. As with most crushes, it will pass on time, and you certainly don't need a kick up the arse for anything. You're a human being just like the rest of us! Crushes happen all the time.

I do overthink this sort of thing. I'm just very bad at hiding it when I have a crush on someone, and I don't want him to get wind of it because he'd probably be horrified/repulsed/embarrassed or all three.

It's hard, I'm in a similar position. I KNOW he's not 'the one' for me and actually the whole thing would be a disaster...but bloody hell I don't half fancy him.

It'll pass, in time. This time next year you'll probably feel repulsed at the idea!!!

Oh my goodness, I could have written this myself. All I have is sympathies no kicks from me!

Focus on the sleep in his eyes, any lingering spots, his sour breath, his unbrushed teeth - basically anything to snap you out of it and get you to stop fancying him. Look closely enough and you will notice his flaws. Should helpXx

I'm sure he has many off-putting features which I could focus on. It's not even as if I think he's devastatingly good-looking. It's more to do with proximity and loneliness and not having any other men even vaguely my own age that I see every day. How utterly tragic it all is!

Get yourself on Love Honey, and order yourself the womaniser toy OP.

There’s a Woman at my Husbands workplace who I am 100% sure has a crush on him.
He is completely oblivious and naive to her flirting and constant contact with him. She strikes me as being incredibly needy, lonely, loving the attention from a very Male dominant working environment.
I’ve said to my Husband to be careful not to give her any signals or attention which could be misinterpreted. He thinks I’m being silly, but I know a flirting Woman when I see one!

She is Single, child free, slightly younger, but with zero interests outside work. Strikes me as needing to get on some dating sites and leave work as professional place only.

I’m simply explaining from my point of view here, so a bit bias on my opinion.

How was any of that helpful to the OP @luanmapo?! She's clearly after tips to get over the crush not under him!!
I'm sure it will ride itself out OP, you need to focus on the negatives and just try and keep a polite distance if you can. We've all been there at some point!

luanmapo did you even bother reading my OP? Talk about projecting your insecurities onto other people. So just because you think a woman at work is trying to "steal" your husband, I must be a desperate attention seeker who gets giddy at the very presence of menfolk? I can't even be bothered to respond to you any more, I'm just going to give you my first ever ODFOD.

As soon as you introduce adequate amounts of sex into your life this will fade very quickly.

Take no notice of luanmapo, OP. Honestly, workplace crushes are incredibly common, can be on the most unlikely people — I’m a straight woman and one of mine was on a female colleague, for heaven’s sake! — and I don’t think it is only a thing for the terminally bored or unhappily single. Don’t overthink it, and it’ll pass and become a vaguely embarrassing private memory.

It’s a crush or fantasy...but like you’ve already acknowledged he is married so even if you ever get the chance do not go there!!! For the sake of your reputation, his wife and his family. Just imagine him farting and doing poo...you’ll soon go off him @CheckingOutTheQuantocks

Honestly... if you could see me, you'd realise that the idea of me as some kind of flirtatious home-wrecker is laughable. I am fat and not remotely attractive, and I'm older than this guy. His family is in no danger from me and I thought it was fairly clear from my OP that I had no intention of trying to lure him onto the rocks of infidelity with my childless siren song

Nevertheless, I'm planning to wear my drabbest outfits for work from now on, and take care to emphasise my worst features. Joking aside, I would genuinely hate it if he or anyone else thought I was making up to him. I'll keep my distance and think unsexy thoughts...

I'm in a similar position. New person, lots of similarities and just feeling that spark.

I'm putting energy into my own life and family but it's weird having a crush again after all this time.

It's funny thinking about what life would look like if I was with this person.

You're at a perfect age & perfectly situated to begin making wonderful changes to your routine. Start looking around at new interests you can develop. Is there a local student/hospital/community radio station you could put yourself forward for? Take up writing - do a few small pieces of local interest/humorous/ whatever & take them along to a local free newspaper if you have one. Develop your weird side - start going to a local park & spend an hour doing random movements to random sounds on your cd player & explain it's an advanced highly specialised ancient form of yoga if anyone asks.
I'd pretty much guarantee you'd soon forget crushes.

It's just a crush. I say "just" but they feel great! You seem like a level headed lady, who knows nothing will come of it. So just, privately, enjoy the tummy flipping when you see him. Nobody has to know about it and it will pass - so enjoy it whilst it lasts.

In 6 months you'll be wondering why you felt that way, they do fizzle out.

Actually OP , I thought you were pretty rude to luanmapo, even if she was not 100% on point and feeling a bit insecure. She is clearly concerned in reverse to you about someone crushing on her husband and when you feel anxious like that there’s really no need to be so dismissive on what’s meant to be a supportive site. If you want s kick up the arse I suggest Looking for someone else to focus on even in the short term who is at least available , because people can often sniff this kind of crush a mile off , even if you think they can’t and it’s bloody embarrassing to be honest , especially if you aren’t remotely attracted to them but are subliminally aware of their interest.

Thank you @user1479305498
I was literally giving my viewpoint as ‘The wife’ of someone whose colleague I am sure has a crush.
In no way was I trying to be Viperesque to the OP.
But I guess that’s how some may interpret words on a forum as opposed to face to face communication.

Um, I'm fat and still attractive thank you, so don't discount yourself as a sexy woman.

That woe is me thinking will get you no where to having a real relationship

OK, I've clearly come across badly here, but luanmapo I've said several times that I have no intention of trying to flirt with this guy and that I feel sad and embarrassed about it, so you must be able to appreciate that your post read to me like a "back off, bitch" statement. The circumstances are not the same as with this woman you're worried about - I'm not younger than this man, I don't flirt with him, I'm not enjoying any attention (because he's not really giving me any), I don't even work in an all-male environment, and I do actually have some interests in my life outside of work. Your post felt like an attack on me which I don't think I deserved since, as pointed out, this is supposed to be a supportive forum.

I wouldn't say it's sad that you have a crush! It's totally normal to have crushes. Also, crushes don't automatically exclude married people or people that are in relationships. Just because you have a crush on a married man, it doesn't mean you'll (and you've quite clearly said you won't) act on it.

A desire is a desire and we rarely get a choice in where our desires lie. We do have control over what we do about them though and I'm confident, because you came here looking for the cause of the crush, that you have firm control over what you'll do about this desire.

A woman at my husbands work used to fancy him. It was obvious but she was actually a nice woman. I went to a few gatherings and she was there and she was always nice to me. She never did anything about it but she gave off the vibe but what threat is that to me? A woman found my husband attractive, so what. She went on to meet someone and have a child with him.

Women having crushes on married men with zero intentions do not cause affairs. Men not being able to keep their bits in their pants cause affairs!

Every time you see him, imagine him on the toilet doing a difficult poo. Eventually you won't be able to see him without bursting out laughing. It might not help, in a work environment, but it will be better than silent longing looks...

As long you never confess this to any other person in real life I don't see the harm. It's normal to find people attractive. There's a guy in my office who I find quite appealing. We're both married with young children and the chance of it becoming anything more than colleagues is zero.

Someone being married doesn't immediately wipe out their attractiveness. It's how you act on it that counts. Just keep him as a pleasant fantasy and don't worry about it.

I agree that it’s a crush and it will died out on its own. I had a inappropriate crush on a man at work. I’m happily married as is he. I just thought he was so lovely and kind to everyone but he wasn’t my “type” and I didn’t think I was the sort of person to get a “crush” so it threw me a little. Couple of months later and he’s still lovely and kind but I’m over it. He knows nothing of it neither does my dh and it feels a bit silly tbh.

Give it a little time and you’ll move on without even noticing