Sad and inappropriate workplace crush

[CheckingOutTheQuantocks]

I am a middle aged woman who has developed a silly little "thing" for a guy at work and I could really do with some straight talking MN advice on getting over it!

For context, I work in a small office with a handful of other people. The man who has unwittingly become the object of my affections doesn't work with me directly but I do see him a few times per week and we're on friendly chatting terms. He is absolutely nothing like the type of men I might usually go for and we don't have the same views on a lot of fairly major issues. None of this has stopped me

He's married with children so I wouldn't dream of pursuing him or trying to work out if he was interested. He has never shown any signs of seeing me in that way at all.

I think tbh I'm just latching onto him because I've been unhappily single for a very long time and I don't have anyone else to focus my feelings on. Possibly there's an element of him being "safe" because nothing is ever going to happen with him.

Any words of advice/kicks up the arse are welcome. I feel really pathetic but it's also making me feel self conscious around him, and I don't want it to become noticeable and weird!

I might come at it from a different perspective. This crush has highlighted that you are not happy with being single and feel ready to meet someone.

If it were me I'd try and focus my efforts on meeting new people. What's your situation there? Why have you been unhappily single? Do you have the opportunity to date? Would you consider trying something like online dating?

You mention he feels safe - is there any reason why meeting someone who could potentially be suitable is not appealing to you?

I'd focus there - looking into why I'm not meeting new people and seeing this crush as just a symptom of wanting to have some romance, sex and flirting etc in your life.

Quite a lot to unpick there, @SophieSong !

Why have you been unhappily single?
I would like to not be single, but I lack the self-confidence to put myself out there. I don't believe I am attractive enough to get any interest and my forays into OLD have seemed to confirm that. I also have enough self-awareness to know that if anyone did express an interest, I would either not believe them, or would be so grateful to them that I would probably allow myself to be treated badly.

Do you have the opportunity to date? Would you consider trying something like online dating?
I don't socialise in groups with any single men - my hobbies tend to be dominated by other women, none of the men in my workplace are single or even my age, and the handful of male friends I do have tend to be the partners or husbands of my female friends! So OLD would probably be my best opportunity, but I gave up on it a couple of years ago because I just found it so soul-destroying, and my confidence wasn't robust enough to take all the rejections and game-playing.

is there any reason why meeting someone who could potentially be suitable is not appealing to you?
There's a question that probably needs a therapist to work on it... I gave up dating for the reasons mentioned above and had more or less intended to stay single for good, so don't want to meet anyone who might cause me to challenge that, I suppose.

Sorry for grilling you OP!!!!

It's kind of interesting though that you had sworn off dating, but another side of you seems to have different ideas!

OLD can be a bloody nightmare at times and very disheartening. But I am positive that there is nothing wrong with you attractiveness wise - I know so many people, including myself, of all shapes, sizes, and attractiveness who have struggled with it. You do need quite a thick skin.

Saying that, OLD can work, I know of basically the same people who had bad experiences and then went on to meet some really great people. One got married to someone she met OLD, another is living with the girlfriend he met that way.

I know there is a dating thread that is long-running on here. It seems very supportive and it could be useful to join it for advice and help? Sometimes just having some people to talk experiences through with - even if you're just contemplating things - can be really helpful.

Whatever you decide to do, hopefully by realising this crush is probably just a natural reaction to wanting some companionship and romance etc, will help in time?

You have chosen someone unattainable, so its probably really about him.
I think its probably a sign that you need more interests in your life. They don't necessarily need to be romantic but certainly I think where you are now is probably not making you happy.

ts probably really NOT about him.

I think luanmapo is just insecure and jealous, she's worried about this other woman fancying her husband, I think it's different to you and this guy.

I have to be honest, I don't understand the concept of a "crush" past the teenage years, bottom line is you fancy him, and if possible would like to be involved.

So I think looking to change your situation is important. If you're starting to moon over younger guys who aren't available. Doing whatever you can to meet someone and having fun in the process. I'd take this as a sign you're not happy with your current set up.

@Bluntness100 I think you are absolutely correct in what you say about me. Past relationships have caused me to be like this and it’s something I really need to work on because au know my Husband absolutely adores me.

For the OP, I’m sorry if my post seemed very back offish, it wasn’t my intention. Just my perception on what’s happening in my life.

I was really sad to read your last post actually and how you devalue yourself on attractiveness. I believe that there is someone for everyone. And despite my insecurities with my situation, I have been with my Husband for 12 years and actually met via OLD. I also know a few of my friends have met their soulmates this way also. So definitely worth a shot. Even just from an interaction point of view.
Please don’t put yourself down in any way.

Bizarre suggestion I know, and maybe far fetched depending on your confidence..... but have you thought about applying for first dates the TV programme?? My nephews girlfriend works on the set for this programme and says how wonderful it is seeing how the individuals interact with each other... she says there has been some lovely romances blossom from it. Just a suggestion.