please help - men with children from prev relationship?

[prettylonely]

Just want to start this by saying I realise how horrible I may sound, but please be gentle as this is a really big issue for me and I don't have anyone to turn to.

Currently been in relationship with bf for 6 months. It's been great and he's wonderful. Told me at beginning he had 5 year old child with ex and I felt like I was fine about it and since we are young and it is early days it wouldn't really concern me yet.

Throughout the time we've been together, the only thing we ever argue about is the way his ex treats him and my concerns about the child and how it would all work. He would never bad mouth his ex but she is quite controlling from what i've seen and uses him a lot. He is a bit of a pushover to anyone in his life really - would rather keep everyone happy than stick up for himself, which frustrates me.

Because of this, I find it hard to accept the idea of having a potential step child. I have stayed up so many nights panicking about this. For context, I am mid 20's so still quite young. I think the association with the ex and how that has been the cause of all of our arguments makes me feel so strange about the child being a part of my life. I know this is unfair, and I know that my bf deserves someone who accepts him and his child. I guess I am finding it very difficult to accept the idea of the child in my life too. I have no issue with him spending time with his child as much as he needs to, and doing his duty. It's just the idea of his child being more involved in my life that sends me into an overthinking mess.

Any advice on how you dealt with this would be so helpful. I previously deliberately didn't date men with children for the reason that I didn't feel I could cope with that connection to another woman, or be a stepmother, but I really fell quite hard for bf and we are so compatible in every other way that I thought I could deal with it. I would love a future with my bf so want to overcome my weird feelings and worries about his ex always being in his life and me taking on the roll of a step mother eventually.

Thanks in advance.

How is the ex 'controlling?' and how does she use him a lot?

Well
I think maybe be you should step away... you’re not ready for this and the main loser will be the child.

She's always going to be in his life, and you're always going to be a lower priority than his child. Those are inescapable facts, and it's how it should be - parents should put their children first. But it's going to be harder for you because the child isn't yours.

I think you need to really honestly examine whether you're happy with this. It won't ever change, which means that you really have to not only accept it but embrace it.

You're not a bad person if this isn't the life you want.

catherine - being vague on purpose here but basically tells him what he can and cannot do.

gorris - yes, that is my concern. i do not want to affect the child who is innocent and deserves the best.

rebecca - thank you, i totally agree with everything you said. i do feel like a bad person as it's not an uncommon situation and most people would be more than fine with it, but you're right.

I think you either need to only date men who don’t have children or accept that you will be a stepmother.

If you enter a long term relationship with a man with a child, then there will be a child in the relationship and you will have to be involved. You can’t live together and not play any role in his child’s life if you expect him to maintain a proper father-child relationship with his child, and trying to find a way not to be involved will leaved you looking like the wicked stepmother.

Some people are not cut out to be step parents (me for sure)
A lot of younger women want all the 'firsts' to happen together with the person they love.
You will never have this with him and I think that is what is freaking you out.
If you are uncomfortable about it then you need to end it so he can move on and find someone who accepts him and his DS as a package.
Which is what they are.
If you want to continue with him then you need to work through this.
This is your issue and you need to understand how everything will work in the future.

You mention is Ex is controlling.
In what way?
Does she call and he goes running?
Does she expect him to have his own DS on nights other than the agreed contact ones?
Does she expect him to fix anything that is wrong in the house?
Because this is all normal.

and doing his duty - it's not his duty.
It's his life. His son is a massive part of it and should not be a 'duty' to him.
I left my ExH for calling me and his DD a 'duty'
I don't want to be anyone's duty.
He wants to do what he does and that is exactly how it should be.

backinthebox - yes, completely agree. i need to figure out what i can deal with. and yes realistically about eventually living together means i'll have to accept and embrace the situation. as someone who has a wicked stepmother this anxiety of becoming that is also heightened, so totally agree with your point. thank you

How does she use him?
You may perceive the fact that he wants (more) contact with his child so welcomes opportunities to spend time with the dc if she asks as “using him” whereas in reality it’s not.
Being a committed parent (either separated or together) means changing plans if your child is ill, has party invites, has hobbies or sports commitments, has school events, has family events etc.
If you want a relationship with a man who sees his child one or twice a month on a strict arrangement and devotes all his other free time to you then you’re not going to find it with a man who is a good parent. In fact I would worry about any man who didn’t want to spend as much time as possible with his dc.

If you can’t handle this then this isn’t the relationship for you.

hells bells - thanks for that, you got it spot on. it is the lack of 'firsts' which makes me overthink and anxious as isn't something i've thought about before or dealt with in a relationship.

as for the controlling bit, it goes beyond what you mentioned but not able to go into any more detail right now.

and duty part - thank you for clearing that up. i didn't intend on it coming across in a dismissive way and i agree with you.

bertha - not at all, he sees dc weekly and i have no problem with this and don't want all of his free time at all. he does spend as much time as poss with dc. but thank you for this, it's helpful to read responses as allows me to analyse situation and how i feel about it.

honestly I would just walk away, in my experience, its not worth it.

Don't get me wrong, I adore DP, I really do, and we're really happy now, but those first few years were really, really hard. There were some very testing moments, and they still occasionally happen now.

IMO it isn't easy to form a connection with other peoples children, and even if you do its not usually the same connection you have with your own child, so you're not weird or awful for feeling this way.

I think if its keeping you up at night, its not worth it.

You mention is Ex is controlling.
In what way?
Does she call and he goes running?
Does she expect him to have his own DS on nights other than the agreed contact ones?
Does she expect him to fix anything that is wrong in the house?
Because this is all normal

^^ ignore that, its not all normal at all, nor is it reasonable

Just to add OP.
You aren't wrong in your thinking or your feelings.
They are all yours and perfectly valid.
Don't feel guilty about them.
It's your life and you are young.
You do what is best for you!

I'm wondering if you've mentally transferred dislike for the mother to the child?

But in any case it's best to be honest and accept that at this time in your life, dating a man with a child isn't something you want and that's absolutely fine. Having children myself, I can now imagine taking on someone elses, but if I didn't yet have any of my own then it would have been a struggle, partly because my maternal instincts had not yet been turned on and also the sense of responsibility. Sometimes its not until you have your own that you get these things. And yes you do have to incorporate the ex into your life to an extent as well.

I say this is not for you and you are totally justified in that decision.

BUT if you do choose to continue in the relationship then you'll have to put your big girl knickers on and suck it up, stop arguing over his ex, that's his business, and show the child some love.

You have to accept that you will become a caregiver to this child - regardless of what people post on here about the father being so /should be as realistically you are the one who ends up cooking meals , changing beds etc etc . Your plans will always be affected by this . You could read the Step Parenting thread here on MN for a taster.

It sounds already as if there is an ex who will use her child to her own ends to simply fuck with the life he has going forward . There's many a woman who doesn't want a man but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either . Of course there are genuine reasons for contact but there are also the drama llamas who will use ANY excuse to reinforce to their ex how lucky they are and they have " got away " with things . In turn men will feel guilty about the situation and comply with every request no matter how unreasonable.It's a good thing that he doesn't bad mouth her but I also realise how frustrating this is . All I can say is that eventually they will see these women for how manipulative they are as time passes. We are at that stage now .

As you are so young you may wish to think this all over and I agree with what someone said about the "firsts" that you will miss - however life is not always clear cut . I was much older than you when I became a SM.

bonjour - thank you for your thoughts and honesty on this. i feel a lot of guilt for the way i'm feeling and thinking so it's really helpful to hear someone be completely honest and real about how it can be difficult.

hells bells - thank you, seriously! it goes around my brain constantly and i don't feel i can bring it up with anyone irl, so i appreciate what you've said.

catherine - thank you. maybe you're right. i don't feel negative about the child but i think more about the situation that involves the child, which is much the same and not really fair on the child at all. i agree with you, i think that maternal instinct is missing and i find the situation so alien and difficult to process. and yep, if i'm going to decide to stay i have to accept and embrace situation as can't go on in this limbo as not fair for anyone

stuffedpenguin - thank you for your honest and real message. you explained the situation exactly how it is and feels, even just by going off my vague first message. i'll check out the step parenting thread and really need to have a proper think.

thank you everyone

With hindsight, I would have made different decisions in life due to this. I am much older than you but have never been put first, have always had to accommodate an ex wife’s behaviour and my DH has already done the going to the zoo etc with his first so his enthusiasm for trips out was lacklustre to say the least. I would cut and run given the decision again.

The kids only 5. At this age parental involvement/care is at its peak. Stress and over dramatics etc. In 5 years time, the child won’t need all the over parenting that his ex is currently demanding. They start preferring their friends to parents, have their own mind, can get themselves dressed etc...people I know who split when the child was about 5 and everybody was super involved now it’s 5 years later and the kid is 10, it’s all pretty smooth. Everyone has their role. There is little contact between parents. Everyone has calmed down and the kid picks and chooses where she goes. It’s no drama. You are over dramatising and worst case imagining. Imagine going MAC make up shopping with a chatty 10 year old and then going for a Costa coffee on a Saturday afternoon. If you could imagine that would be fun (that’s what I did with my 10 year old niece). They ain’t 5 forever. They get fun. Look at her as a fun niece? If you can do that then calm down and see this stage through

min - thanks for your honesty. i really appreciate it and your reply helps a lot.

wonder what - thats a really good point and something i haven't considered. expected it to always be this drama-filled but as you say that's just me worst case imagining.

I'd be wary about the step parenting thread on here. Step mums are very harshly treated at times as obviously mumsnet has lots of members who are the mum in the situation and their kids have a step mum but they aren't one. Or even they are an ex wife who's kids don't have a step mum. You get a lot of people who will tell you that step mums should 'woman up' 'put your big girl pants on' 'suck it up buttercup' and all that and suggest that because 'you know what you signed up for' you have to put up with everything the birth mum and child throw at you because you are the least important in the situation. It is a very rough road and at your age I wouldn't do it. If there's any sign of any animosity whatsoever between them and if she's still trying to control him, once you step in to the step mum role, it's highly likely things will get worse at least initially. There's not many mums who deal well with another woman involved with their ex and kids and, while everyone will suggest that the new step mum has to consider her actions carefully, many birth mums don't stop and consider that they also have a responsibility to put a block on their natural instincts and make things work too even if it's then that decided to end the marriage to begin with. You see plenty of books, articles, groups for step mums but not for the other women in the situation who often invited it just as much if not more than the step mum. Finally, if you do decide to take on the role, join a Facebook support group, don't look for support on mumsnet. There are posters who stalk threads to have a pop at step mums because of their own situations. I won't name them here but they're notorious in the step mum community! Good luck whatever you decide.

He is a bit of a pushover to anyone in his life really - would rather keep everyone happy than stick up for himself, which frustrates me.

This will be your biggest concern. Sounds like you are already noticing that he will meet his own anxious needs first before yours.

You were right originally (for you) not to date men with children. You are young you don’t need to, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Look at the stepparents section on here to see the potential issues and pain. You are seeing and sensing that now - listen to your gut. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t get in any deeper. This relationship isn’t your hopes and dreams - don’t compromise.

Your relationship is still quite new so the Ex will feel threatened by you and also worried he may lose interest in his DC. I’m in that situation however I have 2DC from previous marriage and he has 3 two ex’s though. One ex is demanding all the time at first he jumped at everything but now and over time it got better when his Ex realised I was going nowhere she backed of the demands however she causes problems in other ways. There is that won’t be firsts but that happens in all relationships unless you got together when teens. Don’t dwell on what he did with her it’s not worth it he will have plenty of firsts with you. Being a step parent is hard work but I don't use that label I’m there to be a friend if needed, that seems to work for us.

I don't think step parents get the credit they deserve half the time, it's a really hard role to step into and not know what your boundaries are etc.

As the relationship is still relatively new you may need to think about cutting your losses here and moving on. If it bothers you this early on, it'll bother you in years to come and just cause so many fall outs and guilt trips. And with bills/own kids in the mix, it'll only get harder.

My partners step mum was a classic wicked step mother, from the age of 4 she treated him like a burden and he felt pushed out of his own family. This still affects him now so I think for the sake of the child, if your not up to it, don't make them suffer. You really need to think carefully about whether your ready to take on the role. There's nothing to feel bad about if your not, you'd be giving up all of your 'firsts' and it's a lot to sacrifice.

Good luck xx

Sadly, a lot of bitter ex’s seem to use children as a bargaining tool.

Sounds like he’s having to walk a tightrope to ensure he maintains contact.

Don't date men with young children no matter how nice they are. You're young, you can find someone without any.