please help - men with children from prev relationship?

[prettylonely]

Just want to start this by saying I realise how horrible I may sound, but please be gentle as this is a really big issue for me and I don't have anyone to turn to.

Currently been in relationship with bf for 6 months. It's been great and he's wonderful. Told me at beginning he had 5 year old child with ex and I felt like I was fine about it and since we are young and it is early days it wouldn't really concern me yet.

Throughout the time we've been together, the only thing we ever argue about is the way his ex treats him and my concerns about the child and how it would all work. He would never bad mouth his ex but she is quite controlling from what i've seen and uses him a lot. He is a bit of a pushover to anyone in his life really - would rather keep everyone happy than stick up for himself, which frustrates me.

Because of this, I find it hard to accept the idea of having a potential step child. I have stayed up so many nights panicking about this. For context, I am mid 20's so still quite young. I think the association with the ex and how that has been the cause of all of our arguments makes me feel so strange about the child being a part of my life. I know this is unfair, and I know that my bf deserves someone who accepts him and his child. I guess I am finding it very difficult to accept the idea of the child in my life too. I have no issue with him spending time with his child as much as he needs to, and doing his duty. It's just the idea of his child being more involved in my life that sends me into an overthinking mess.

Any advice on how you dealt with this would be so helpful. I previously deliberately didn't date men with children for the reason that I didn't feel I could cope with that connection to another woman, or be a stepmother, but I really fell quite hard for bf and we are so compatible in every other way that I thought I could deal with it. I would love a future with my bf so want to overcome my weird feelings and worries about his ex always being in his life and me taking on the roll of a step mother eventually.

Thanks in advance.

It's really tough being a step parent.

However I also have a DC (who has step parent/s) .

I am a step child and have had multiple step parents.

If you don't feel ready to be that person then walk now. No one would judge you for doing so - better to be honest and do what you feel is right for all involved.

it’s 5 years later and the kid is 10, it’s all pretty smooth. Everyone has their role. There is little contact between parents

I would be careful thinking like this because its not always the case. It is when both parents are reasonable, but we still have a lot of involvement from dps ex and dss is almost 15. There is no need for it - she just likes to be involved in our lives.

His ex will always be in his life as will his child. His ex may always cause issues so you need to decide whether this is something worth living with. I suppose it depends on how much this guy means to you really. I’d only consider being a step-parent if I thoroughly loved the man.

Thought it might also help you to hear a success story.

DH has 3 DC and when I met him (I was 22) I was naive about what step children entail. Yeah they do take time away from us as a couple but DH is a good dad and puts his kids first. If he didn't I wouldn't have any respect for him. It's not easy but if your bf is worth it the DSC could bring a lot of joy to your life. I should add the step kids were 9, 10 and 6 when I met them so they weren't as dependant.

I know it doesn't always work out this way and the ex's really can make life hard if they choose to. DH has always made sure he had my back and not let ex's interfere with our relationship. When the DSC told their mums they liked me and we had fun together they generally chilled out and currently there are no issues.

It's really hard work, I went through periods of wishing I hadn't gotten involved and probably will again in the future. But I love my DH and seeing him be such a good dad made me want to have my own child with him. Now my DD has got 3 siblings and I don't have to have anymore kids!

Am childfree & dated several fathers.

You either need to find a way to detach emotionally from his parenting decisions or break up with him.

You are only in your mid-20s. I would leave him, you don't need this kind of baggage. Everytime his ex says jump & he responds with "how high?" it is going to grate on you & breed resentment.

If you're fighting with him over this issue because he doesn't see things the way you do. It's EASIER for him to pander to his ex. Your feelings are not his priority & never will be. As the childless person you will always be expected to defer to his needs 1st.

If, for whatever reason, the child's mother was no longer around and he had full resindency of his son, would you be able to cope being a full time step parent? If not, step away.

I wrote this on another post recently - my DH very rarely explicitly asked me to help with his DC but at first you volunteer to help out because you're keen to show him and his children that you accept them, then as time goes on you've accidentally stepped into doing loads of child related stuff because you don't want to step back and be perceived as unsupportive or look like you don't care for the children as much as you used to. So it's very easy to get sucked into doing child related chores and at your age tbh I really wouldn't want that.

Also regarding wonderwhat's post abut it getting easier as the children get older - in my experience there are peaks and troughs. So young children are very demanding, then they get a bit more self sufficient if they aren't being Disney parented, and then the teen years hit and it changes again - in my case very much for the worse. I'm out the other side now and my DSC are lovely young adults but my god it was hellish at times, I only didn't walk away because I was married.

Honestly if I were you I absolutely wouldn't do it with the feelings you have now. You should be enjoying your honeymoon period, not arguing all the time.

You mention is Ex is controlling.
In what way?
Does she call and he goes running?
Does she expect him to have his own DS on nights other than the agreed contact ones?
Does she expect him to fix anything that is wrong in the house?
Because this is all normal

What? Absolutely none of that is at all normal. That is not at all how a mutually respectful co-parenting relationship works.