partners daughters wedding

[bornonasunday]

Can anyone tell me if I'm being silly, please?

In a nutshell, my partner and I have been together over a year, but known each other nearly 20 years. We keep our respective {grown-up} families out of our relationship. He's been divorced about 9 years and I'm on my own.
He has a reasonably amicable relationship with his ex, and they have always parented equally, from when the kids were young.
The eldest daughter gets married soon, and for some ridiculous reason, I've suddenly become convinced that he and the ex will suddenly become romantically coupled up again during the wedding!!
Totally stupid, I know... he's never given me any reason at all to think this, tbh, he doesn't seem that bothered with all the wedding prep! Typical man attitude to wedding prep!

I am not going to the wedding, and I'm secretly pleased about that -
as he'll be busy giving her away, making speeches etc and the vast majority of the guests will be speaking Welsh {and I'm English}. The daughter is passionately Welsh, so I would feel really side-lined, and from what he says about her opinions, she would make sure I was side-lined.
I worry that with the "aaahhh" factor, the alcohol and emotion of the day, that he'll suddenly find the ex to be his 'only love' and I'll be dumped!! I keep imagining all sorts of ludicrous scenes, not really likely to happen to a divorced couple in their late 50s...!

Please don't tell me to mention this daftness to him - he would think I'd gone totally mad!!

Even when I write it down, it looks silly to me!

Any advice MNetters?
Do I need a good dose of common sense?
Thanks in advance

Complete armchair diagnosis here.. but it sounds like you want to be married to him, want this to be your wedding..

...but he's going to be there with his ex!

Your post sounds very reasonable (about eg you not being invited to the wedding; his daughter being purposefully exclusive, excluding you) and I'm wondering if you convince yourself to feel what you know is logically sensible. The trouble is, emotions just aren't logical or sensible a lot of the time.

As I said, blatant armchair here!

Do you live with him ? Your relationship doesn't sound very close - no family involvement etc. If you have purposely kept your families at a distance, it's no wonder his daughter hasn't invited you to her wedding. Sounds like you hardly know each other at all. ("From what he says about her opinions" makes me think you've never actually spoken to her at all). No wonder she hasn't invited you - you are a stranger to her.

So your partner is going to the wedding and he'll be sitting with the ex I suppose - well that's what happens at weddings. I sat with my ex when DD got married - and we were civil as you are at weddings. Nobody "falls back in love " with their ex at a wedding - this sounds ludicrous to be honest.

Maybe you are feeling a bit insecure because you and DP are not really as close as you'd like to be .

I wouldn't be worried about him falling back in love with ex again.....but maybe it's time to tighten up your relationship with him. Introduce your adult children to each other - that would be a start !

always trust your gut instinct. ..query it if you must

You cba to spend that very special day with your oh? Is he bothered?
Sounds odd to me.

If there is a chance of reconciliation it could happen any time, however I get exactly your point.
Misty eyes locking over the vows with shared memories of the little girl they knew turning into this woman they love...
Very unlikely but not a lot you can do about it.
Once this wedding is over, take time to establish how solid your relationship is, in the meantime keep sharing fun times together.

Thanks for your advice all. I’ll add a bit of background just to make the situ clearer.
My son lives over 150 miles away so he and I FaceTime and chat all the time but don’t interfere with each other’s love lives.
DP daughter also has lived away from home but has re-appeared for wedding... I haven’t met her, nor have any plans to do so, as even DP seems wary of her! Obviously I am not going to wedding as I don’t know her, but he does talk about her, hence my comments on her being so “patriotic” (being diplomatic here..!) that’Im fairly certain she wouldn’t welcome me!
We are both very happy with our arrangement and I certainly don’t want to marry again, I do love my own space, and I have a large dopey dog - DP isn’t keen on dogs... We do have lovely meals out, days out and weekends away so nothing needs to change - but I just hate this almost childish fear of the “romance of the day” spoiling everything.
As regards ‘hardly knowing each other’ totally wrong! As I said in original text, we go back nearly 20 years and have always been close friends sharing many common interests.
Ooh, I forgot to say, I am smack bang in the middle of the bloody menopause, a slave to HRT (buy it online if you’re desperate and your GP is struggling to get it) and prone to odd thoughts generally...
hope this update helps!
Keep coming with your advice, am appreciating it!! Xx
P.S is cba ‘can’t be arsed?’

I did say that I am glad not to be going, and I put one of the reasons why, also the only person I would know is DP and he’ll have duties to perform. It’s def. not a case of can’t be arsed ( I love a silly hat occasion)

Ah that puts a different light on things.
I think it's fine you're not going.
Were you invited? Yes CBA is as you guessed
How far away is it and is it overnight?
I don't think your dp will rekindle any old feelings if that helps but he should of course be there for his DD.
My exdh came to our DDS graduation having contributed nothing since she was no age. I so wished he'd bugger off but ya do anything to maintain equilibrium at these sort of events. Gotta be done for DC's.
Enjoy your weekend with your doggie. It sounds lovely

Ahh, lovely kind comment, thank you! Wedding is local, in their village so no need for staying over. Funny thing is, last summer when the daughter graduated (yet again) the whole family (DP, ex and daughters) all stayed 200 miles away overnight - and I wasn’t in the least bit bothered!! I even bought his suit as a treat! I know the ex and daughters stayed in a hotel and DP got dumped in B&B ... I swear to God I didn’t laugh......
I’m blaming my daftness on the menopause - it comes in handy - you can blame it for anything!! X

Hahaha OP the menopause is well behind me thank goodness.
Maybe it's because the event is on your turf as such. I still don't reckon there'll be anything to worry about.
I'd be glad I wasn't going too

The sooner you have the menopause the sooner it's gone. Take the best hrt you can get. It's great times ahead

So is the real problem you're pissed off you aren't invited to the wedding? If you've been close friends for 20yrs surely you'd have known his ex wife if they've only been divorced 9yrs, and his Dd? You said your DP is wary of his Dd. Are you basically saying she's not a nice woman and other than the wedding your partner doesn't want much to do with his daughter?

No, certainly not pissed off I’m not invited to the wedding, for the reasons I’ve given previously. It’s going to be very village & cliquey and the guests will not be speaking English (see my original post) You are much nearer the mark at the end of your comment regarding what DP thinks of his daughter. As the wedding has got closer, he seems a bit down-trodden by it all ... weddings don’t generally excite men do they?
I wouldn’t have known his wife as DP and I share an interest in a sport that the ex has totally no interest in, and I first knew him from a job I was in at the time and our paths crossed through that. I could not have known the daughter as she was away at school and then away at Uni and lived out of the area. As I said, she had only returned recently since wedding has got closer.

Reading through your OP again - it sounds like lightly dating vs a serious nailed down relationship? Which is great if it's what you both want? But if after over a year together you feel like you'd like something more substantial then that's understandable. You should think about having that conversation with him if it's thrown up questions of how seriously does he view you being together. I think the Dd's wedding might be a red herring to you wondering where the two of you stand.

I’m quite happy the way that we are, we are either talking, texting or Whatsapping morning, noon and night, and when we do get together it’s proper quality time, nice meals, posh hotels etc. If I’m truly honest, I don’t think I’d like to live with anyone again, I really enjoy my own space and have always got nice times to look forward to. He has 2 jobs so also enjoys the quality time we get.

You sound genuinely very sensible and straightforward about this OP, but I do think it's an unfounded fear. Of course you will imagine that they will bond, misty-eyed, over all the excitement of the day, but the reality is they've been broken up for a long time and there's a reason they aren't still together. They'll probably both spend the day feeling a bit awkward and be secretly glad when it's over and they aren't forced into close proximity.

If I were you I would plan to spend the weekend of the wedding doing something really fun to distract yourself - maybe book a couple of nights away with a friend, or have someone to stay.

Thanks RebeccaRae, I have already got a city shopping trip planned for that weekend! Tbh, knowing DP as I do, he’ll probably sit drinking with his mates (all in late 50s but I call them the Bash Street Kids!) and talk rubbish... or do a copy of Peter Kay’s ‘ sliding on the knees at weddings’ sketch!
Your nice post is appreciated x

Sounds like you have a lovely relationship to me.
Try and remember that he broke up with his ex for a reason, it sounds like they have been apart for many years now. Oh and also remember that he is dating you and happy with you!
Also he's not going to be spending the whole evening with his ex, yes they might be sat together for the meal, but then he'll be off chatting to friends etc I can't see he'll be sat at the bar with his ex all night.
What's her situation? Is she with someone else?
Why don't you make plans for that day with a friend? Keep yourself busy with something nice to do.

What's the situation with his ex OP? It's been 9 years...does she have a new partner, and if so will that person be going to the wedding? She must have moved on after 9 years. If the ex had any intentions on her exh then she's had ample opportunity to address them, such as at the graduation. It sounds as though you have a lovely relationship with your DP and share a lot of interests so I doubt you have anything to worry about.

You are Human we all have these strange wild toughts from time to time. Just try too think logically now. They got divorced for a reason. They have been separated for 9 years for a reason. If they wanted too be together then I am sure it would have been rekindled by now. I completely understand you not going especially considering you have not met her. But you honestly have nothing too worry about. If they wanted too be together they would be wouldn't they. This is what you need too tell yourself when these thoughts pop into your head. Maybe you could send a card with your partner for her wedding for him too take as a gesture or maybe you could pop too the evening party if she is having one. As a child of divorced and recoupled parents I would welcome the effort made by a partner of my parents. Does her mother have a partner? Is he going? If so then I would definitely think aBout accompanying your partner at the evening party if that is an option. Break the ice and finally meet them x

I’m about your age and think it sounds as if you have the ideal set up - own space with lovely dog plus delightful DP to enjoy spending time with, without the challenges of living together. It genuinely doesn’t sound as if you have anything to worry about. Sounds like DP’s daughter is hard work and, given your DP doesn’t seem that enamoured of her at the moment, I’d hazard a guess that she is reminding him of her mother - therefore helpfully reinforcing that they were right to split and making him glad that he’s lucky enough to be with you instead!

Thank you all for your words of common sense!! As you say, we all do have wild thoughts from time to time, I think there was a man with the ex some time ago, but not recently. Reading between the lines, I think the ex doesn’t really take much notice of DP - one of his favourite moans is that she says to the daughters ‘oh god, what’s your father done now?’ far too often!
It’s a bit “Brexit” now ... all fed-up with it & just waiting for it to be over so we can all get back to normal!!
X

Gavisconismyfriend

Omg! You’ve got it spot on!! He does say she’s very like her mother and that the younger Dd is much more like him! (Favourite, I think) They look so alike as well, and he looked after her when she was born as ex was not well so he feels more bonded with youngest. Come to think of it, the younger one is more popular generally... Ooh, that’s made me feel better!
Now what age do you think I am?? Haha!

• challenges of living together v me living on my own with lovely big furry farty dog

We have a winner!!
Woof

Sp3849
Thank you for your kind post
But “going to the evening party???”
Hell, no!! A days shopping, night out, home to the dog....
Life’s too short to be side-lined....
X

Sounds like you have the ideal set up to me.
As the late Peter Cook said, if married couples could afford to live in separate houses the divorce rate would plummet!
(And lets face it if more people took your and dp’s approach there would be no need for the step parents section!)

Sometimes we all think silly things, especially when everything is going well so I’d take it as a sign of how happy you are.

Thank you, I feel as if we’ve got it ok, it suits us just fine.., I’m blaming the meno for my madness! X