partners daughters wedding

[bornonasunday]

Can anyone tell me if I'm being silly, please?

In a nutshell, my partner and I have been together over a year, but known each other nearly 20 years. We keep our respective {grown-up} families out of our relationship. He's been divorced about 9 years and I'm on my own.
He has a reasonably amicable relationship with his ex, and they have always parented equally, from when the kids were young.
The eldest daughter gets married soon, and for some ridiculous reason, I've suddenly become convinced that he and the ex will suddenly become romantically coupled up again during the wedding!!
Totally stupid, I know... he's never given me any reason at all to think this, tbh, he doesn't seem that bothered with all the wedding prep! Typical man attitude to wedding prep!

I am not going to the wedding, and I'm secretly pleased about that -
as he'll be busy giving her away, making speeches etc and the vast majority of the guests will be speaking Welsh {and I'm English}. The daughter is passionately Welsh, so I would feel really side-lined, and from what he says about her opinions, she would make sure I was side-lined.
I worry that with the "aaahhh" factor, the alcohol and emotion of the day, that he'll suddenly find the ex to be his 'only love' and I'll be dumped!! I keep imagining all sorts of ludicrous scenes, not really likely to happen to a divorced couple in their late 50s...!

Please don't tell me to mention this daftness to him - he would think I'd gone totally mad!!

Even when I write it down, it looks silly to me!

Any advice MNetters?
Do I need a good dose of common sense?
Thanks in advance

Forgive me for saying it, but it does sound strange to me that you have known each other for 20 years - so since his and your kids were small(er), and yet seem to not have met the children back than or now.
Or know much about them.
I can’t think of any of my friends they have been in my life for that long where I am so oblivious to that part of their lives / or their of mine....

And regardless of the frequency of the times you see each other - it does appear strange that he doesn’t want to integrate his two lives. I don’t mean becoming one big happy modern family.
I just mean an acknowledgement that he has a partner.
It just feels like he is hiding the relationship from his family and there must be a reason why that is the case.

I read it that the daughter has been living away for a long time, so this is why the OP has not ever met the daughter in 20 years,

It sounds like you are happy to have an exclusive relationship without the commitment of living together. So it makes sense to not be a part of the daughter's wedding, but this has made you wonder how committed he is, because he is going to the event with his ex.

If people were jumping to conclusions they'd say he was still with the ex & you were the other woman. Which is NOT what I am saying is happening, just that this event has made you feel a little paranoid about that is all :)

I assume you have access to his social media & he is obviously single on it ? There isn't anything else here that is making you wonder ? If so, then it's just a little bit of paranoia because weddings are sentimental, emotional times & him being there with his ex & not being included would make a lot of people feel a bit weird !

Yes, I have known him for many years, but as I said previously, it was firstly through our respective jobs and also both of us following a particular sport - I saw him during those 2 areas and certainly was not “the other woman!” I didn’t meet his family or social circle as I only saw him through passing at work.
Neither of us do social media and he’s a bit of a dinosaur with his phone - we both only had smart phones for a couple of years, we both had Nokia 3310s before that!
I did also say that my son lives 150 miles away, and the daughter in question was schooled away from home followed by uni and living away after that, so their paths wouldn’t cross at all.

I know the ex and daughters stayed in a hotel and DP got dumped in B&B

A grown man got dumped in a B & B?

Why didn't he make arrangements for where he would stay the night himself.

I find it quite...how can I say this... uncomfortable that he talks negatively about his DD to you.

You might see it as him just talking about her, but it doesn't sound like he has anything positive to say about her. Even her graduation is mentioned by you in a negative manner...as in again

Perhaps she's just a young lady with a strong personality, that he struggles to deal with.

Sandy,

Or maybe she is a very difficult person who is difficult to like???

All the horrible men and women we hear about on here on a daily basis are somebodies darling children who can do no wrong.

my sister has been with her 2nd husband for 15 years. She has never meet his grown up daughter. He is a lovely man and his daughter is apparently not so lovely. There is no reason to think he is lying.

Its unlike you the make a fairly pointless post.

OP, I think you're trying to make us all jealous.

You lucky woman, living the dream.

@Wherearemymarbles

Not meeting the DD is not the issue...it's the way everything he says about her seems negative.

I'm also not saying he's lying..he may, he may not be...but I can't see the reason he speaks about her so negatively. It's unnecessary and that along with him saying he was dumped in a B & B, don't make him sound great.

I made the point, (as it's a public forum) because it stood out to me that he has been very negative about his DD to the OP.

An achievement like another graduation even seems to be viewed negatively...

I agree a bit with sandy

And also all the jovial little digs at the DD throughout this thread

Are you a bit jealous? Is your DP a bit jealous? Was this thread started so you could have a rant about his DD?

It's all a bit weird, there's an uncomfortable tone. I don't really like how he seems to speak about his DD

So far all we've got is she speaks Welsh, sounds reasonable if she's welsh

She's patriotic - sounds reasonable if she's welsh

She's graduated multiple times (not sure why this is a negative)

Her dad isn't keen on going to her wedding (ho ho ho - men eh)

Her dad doesn't like her because she's like her mum

But OP doesn't like her, and neither does her dad. Isn't it just so funny?

Just a word of caution

As you get older his daughters will have kids possibly

Or one of you will get ill sadly , they'll have to be interaction with each other's families

Wow!! Don’t shoot!!
Some fierce posts on here!!

In my original post, I just asked if I was being a Froot Loop by having panicky thoughts about the DPs daughters wedding... now I’m feeling a bit bruised!

I’ll try and answer some of your shouts
Cornish Pixie ... I have no issue with Dds nationality, spoken language etc ( DP is also Welsh speaking and patriotic so I obvs have no issue) my ‘issue’ is, that Dd is soooo patriotic etc that in her opinion is that there IS no other language and any who does not speak Welsh is a waste of oxygen! Hence why I would feel excluded etc if I went to the wedding. I live and work in Wales and have done for many years, and have lots of lovely friends... none of whom are patriotic to the extent of exclusion!
Likewise the several graduations.. fair play and well done to her if she has the brains, which she obvs does... it’s her attitude since these graduations... deriding(?) her younger sister for not being as brainy, and being superior to both DP and her Mum, both of whom worked hard (together, sharing the expense) to pay for this education. Tbh, I think they have both put any issues aside for these girls, and that’s a good thing.
Did I say DP didn’t want to go to the wedding? I thought I said that, like most men, they don’t tend to get swept along with all the frothy prep. DP is of the “tell me where and when and I’ll be there” style of wedding guest - hardly worth your ho ho ho comment, is it?
Did I say I didn’t like Dd? Or that DP didn’t like her? I said that he was wary of her ( see earlier with regards her attitude)
As for DP being dumped in a B&B ... he was told all the hotel arrangements had been made and he didn’t have to do anything, only to find out when they got there, he was put somewhere else! Why would he sort himself out if he had been told not to? He is perfectly capable of getting hotels fixed himself if need be!

DP is immensely proud of Dds achievements as he has told me many times when we talk about our kids, but maybe as one of you said, she has a “strong” personality now, and he’s seeing it now she is home more, I honestly don’t know!
Jealous of her? Crikey, no.
Did I come on her to rant about her? Nope, but some comments are focussing more on that aspect than the question I originally asked!

You are worried about your man getting back with his ex wife because their daughter is getting married??

Sorry but you are letting your imagination run away with itself ..

Also - why are you not going to the wedding? You are his partner and you should be there.

My own daughter's top table consisted of MIL and new partner, FIL and girlfriend and 3 best men -- it was a big table thank god.

You need to be there because he will feel odd without a dance partner.

Jesamine, for reason why I’m not going to the wedding, please read my early posts and DP certainly is not a man to hit a dance floor!!

@bornonasunday

I was born on a Sunday as well

Sorry but I couldn't be with a man who doesn't dance -- my other half loves to dance but he isn't exactly John Travolta but at least he tries

I wouldn't personally let my man attend his daughters wedding without me but you have your reasons so just accept your decision and trust your partner not to feel lonely and look for someone else to share this big day.

Jesamin

‘I wouldn't personally let my man attend his daughters wedding without me’

You’re not a hideous control freak then are you!
You dont get to decide who invites you to their wedding and you don't get to decide who goes if you cant....

Poor calibre of poster on this this today!

OP it sounds like you not being invited to the wedding is making you feel like the relationship is not as committed as you would like.

Reading between the lines, do you feel like you are being kept a secret ?

If he is so distant from his daughter like you say, why does he not want someone familiar to accompany him as his partner ?

my ‘issue’ is, that Dd is soooo patriotic etc that in her opinion is that there IS no other language and any who does not speak Welsh is a waste of oxygen! Hence why I would feel excluded etc if I went to the wedding.

That sounds like a flimsy excuse for you to not go. People who are born & bred in the UK can surely speak English, can't they ? It sounds like you will never accompany him as a partner for anything involving his kids & ex because you will "feel excluded" by way of their language.

My extended family speak another language - but it wouldn't cross my mind to exclude someone based on that, you just make an effort to include them because you want them there.

OP you know you're not being rational and that's good... SO.. big deep breath and go get a massage and pamper yourself on the big day, and don't let yourself overthink the photos etc

@bornonasunday a lot of these posts seem to be analysing your relationship which is not what you’ve asked for!

I get that people get that ‘romantic’ feel at a wedding but 9 years is a long time to be divorced, I’d say you have nothing to worry about at all.

We are strange creatures us women and our minds can run away with us sometimes 😂

Enjoy your shopping weekend and look forward to seeing your partner when he’s back

Wherearemymarbles
Thank you! You do seem to understand the situ better than some!
DP won’t need a partner, it’s very much a ‘home turf’ venue, village clique etc. He will know absolutely everyone as he grew up there!
Regarding the language issue, no one has given me an ‘excuse’why I can’t go - I wouldn’t expect to go, I’ve never met the girl (reasons given several times before..) and I would only know DP out of everyone there. Of course Dd can speak English but for some reason has sought to ignore it and just surround herself with Welsh speakers. Her perogative - but imagine if you were me stuck in that situation. (Couldn’t understand a word of the service, hymns, speeches, toasts - anything!) People can use languages to include and exclude as they so desire and if you would be probably the only person who cannot speak a certain language, it’s going to be one hell of a long day!!
I have the right amount of commitment for me (see my earlier comments) at this time in my life. I have been widowed so just enjoying a bit of good fun company with a man I’ve known a very long time, whom I like a lot and is great to spend time with. Me and the big farty dog together are fine! Just wanted thoughts on if I was being middle-age daft and slightly paranoid!!

Bumblebee69 and holymoly0
Bless you both for understanding!!
Hooray!!!
You seem to totally ‘get it’ I’m old enough and daft enough to talk common sense to myself ... but I don’t always listen to myself - that’s why I was asking for some MN help! My bestest friend isn’t much help in this situation as she lives in same place and knows DP and Dd... BF just lets me ramble on as BFs do!

I wouldn't worry about them getting together at the wedding. They were together a long time and split for a long time and you've only been together for a year - they've had plenty of time and opportunity to get together if they had felt like it.

I'd be a bit put out not to be going though. They had an amicable split and get on well so there's no reason for you not to be there. Everyone invited to a wedding, friends or family, always gets the option to bring someone.

Update re: the wedding!!
Well, the wedding has been and gone - from what I’ve heard, it was a fairly small ‘do’ and I had absolutely nothing to worry about!! I didn’t even bother going on a city shopping day (couldn’t be arsed by the time it got round to it😳) So my maniacal worrying was all for nothing!! I still blame the pesky menopause for my wild thoughts!
Thanks to all who contributed to the thread, you all helped, cos it was good to talk it out without naming names x