Embarrassed to be posting again

[BayTiger]

Hi I’ve posted before about my relationship. I’ve been given lots of great advice already but I’m still at the stage where I need people to tell me this isn’t right. I have rung WA as advised, I spoke to them 3 times and was also told that this is emotional abuse and was advised to keep a diary.

Well lately my husband has been out a lot more which has meant I don’t get much of a break as a SAHM. He spends a lot of the weekend napping although will come out with us one afternoon of the weekend.

So it’s hard for me to have a break or do any things on my to do list. He mainly plays with our child for a little while while I’m busy doing another task.

Our toddler sometimes doesn’t eat much so I’m following advice from the HV. This involves only eating in the kitchen and not making a big deal of it if she won’t eat. My husband is extremely anxious about it and tries to spoon food into her mouth when she doesn’t want it, he told her that if she loved me she would eat her food. He sits her in front of the TV to eat whereas I’m letting her watch a programme after finishing her food. He feels I don’t try hard enough to make her eat.

I decided to be firm after hearing him make that comment about eating her food if she loved me, and take over all her mealtimes and bedtime, as she often has trouble sleeping.

I thought he’d be pleased as he was so tired with her night waking. I’ve managed to get her sleeping much better and mealtimes are more relaxed.

My husband obvioudly feels mad about this, he said I have taken away any role he had. This was mainly giving her breakfast one weekend morning, so I explained it’s short term so she can have a consistent approach rather than mixed messages. I’ve suggested that he come out with us rather than sleeybut he won’t.,Anything I say he has an answer for or turns it back onto me.

He has recently been out more, Friday he was out late and spent loads of money, spent all day Saturday in bed and then went out last night till late. I tried talking to him today to say it’s not right and that I’m not really getting any kind of break and we need the money he’s spending.

It’s often last minute and I’ll get a text once he’s been drinking for a bit. He did apologise but turned it around to being about me taking away his role

I think the underlying thing is that he would like another child but he wants to use a surrogate as I can’t have a baby now. I don’t want to do this and I feel he is deeply angry subconsciously. He has said I’m being really selfish and unsupportive to deny him this when he is able to have a child. I’m now confused as to whether I am being wrong to deny him this.

I’ve got so muddled about it all and I do take on board all the advice I’ve been given. I just said to him that I feel he always criticises me and he said I have a pathology in my brain that makes me think everyone is criticising me. I have been through a lot the past few years and now am isolated in the sense I have very few people I can talk to. Hence me posting here again I suppose, I really do appreciate the support.

This is my old thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3636575-Shocked-at-husband-s-drunk-rant

Just coming back to clarify that I’ve just asked him to let me do the mealtimes short term so we can get a good routine and hopefully follow the medical advice. Whereas before we were approaching it so differently that it was confusing our daughter.

I was trying to say to my husband that there are so many other things they could do together if he slept less on weekends. He has started coming out with us for an afternoon over the weekend so that’s good.

With the night times he was complaining of feeling exhausted so it’s also enabling him to sleep more at night and he’s never enjoyed doing bedtime. I only mean it as a short term thing for a few weeks to break the confusion, but can see how it sounded bad reading back!

@lovemenorca
I've reported your post. Can't really say what I think of you because I'd be banned. Your post is cruel, unnecessary and victim blaming bollocks.

@BayTiger
Please don't apologise to posters that are blaming you, this is not you being controlling, you are being controlled by a cruel and abusive man.
On your previous threads you've been given some good advice, you now need to find some strength to get yourself and your daughter out of this situation.
You cannot change his behaviour, you can only change your reaction. If I were in your shoes I'd make plans to leave and run as far away from him as possible.

Crocodile not kitten. Nibbling on your daughter.

This from ChristmasFluff. This.

Don’t get eaten alive by a crocodile. You’re already so damaged and wounded.

Don’t let your daughter think crocodiles are the only option.

Christ, I’ve just read your other threads. Your life/relationship sounds so so so SO fucking miserable. Do you really think it’s normal to live like this? I remember being in a shitty relationship with a dickhead who made me question everything about myself and I remember I kept thinking “if I just fix this and this and this and then work on this then everything will be ok”. A relationship shouldn’t be that hard. There comes a point where it cannot and should not be ‘fixed’ because it just does not work. You sound fundamentally incompatible because he is an abuser! That is his personality and you can’t make a relationship work with somebody like that!

You wouldn’t keep spending and spending on a shitty old write off car just because you were used to it and didn’t know how to cope without it for a while, would you? You would accept that at a certain point it is no longer worth what you are putting into it. Simplified, I know, but I think this relationship is a write off. Do you really want to look back on your life and see that you spent a lot of it feeling confused and clinging onto somebody who treats you like shit?

He’s now giving you a whole afternoon?! He’s a jerk at best but at worst he sounds like a complete arsehole. Why oh why are you still with him? He won’t change. He’ll find other ways to control and abuse you. This isn’t right, this isn’t love.

I haven’t commented on a post for a very long time, but didn’t want to pass this one by.

I have been where you are. Your husband is a narcissist and he will not stop until he has broken you. All the signs are there, the gas-lighting, the emotional and financial abuse, emotionally abusing your child - which will get worse as she gets older.

The shouting, the manipulation, turning it all back on you every time. I would imagine he has done this to another poor woman before you.

Here’s my advice. Start making plans to leave. Go and see a good family solicitor and see if you can get him out of the house and get an injunction. Personally, I would go to the Police and report the abuse - it’s coercive control and it’s illegal.

I can’t tell you it will be easy, and I know how frightened and bewildered you must feel, but I promise you there is a better life for you and your child without this dreadful man in your life. You both deserve so much better. Sending you courage.

Op I really feel for you - I agree with others in that you are in an abusive marriage.

Have you been to see your GP re your own Mental health - you mentioned you’ve had problems before - not sure what these are - haven’t read all your threads so apologies if it’s on these.

If you talk to your Gp about your situation and say how it is effecting you maybe you can get counselling on NhS. You need to keep your resolve strong for whatever you decide to do in your time frame. Do not let him know this is what you are doing.

If you do decide to leave and I think you will - but you are still coming to terms with the reality of your situation - then you will need to be emotionally strong.

You need to have it in your head without doubt that none of this is down to you.

In lots of ways you are lucky that you have realised this so young - but I doubt it feels like this right now - my 20 year marriage ended after my x left for OW - I didn’t realise how abusive it was until he left and the treatment of me and the kids since.

He is very well regarded in his profession too - I thought his behaviour was always down to stress - irritability with Ds who was a boisterous child - funnily enough thinking about this now - he never liked meat as a child - too much chewing - also had lots of difficulty getting him to sleep even up to about age 10 - I would have to go to bed with him - he hated going to bed on own - I think this is when his brain started recalling everything and he needed comfort or distraction - does this resonate?

You are doing a great job with your Dd - time to ge5 some help for yourself and start thinking about your next move. X