Frustrated DH. How to get our sex life back on track?

[smallblackflower]

We have twins who have just turned 13 months. We’ve probably had sex about half a dozen times since they were born.

DH has told me tonight that he is constantly horny and frustrated. He says the fact that we have sex, it’s really good and then doesn’t happen again for ages is really difficult to cope with. I’m aware it’s not a good situation but I really don’t know where to start getting things back on track. We argue loads at the moment and I’m so tired from looking after the babies all day.

What did others do to put the spark back in their love lives after babies? I need some tips.

I think part of me is scared. The babies are egg donor babies as I am pretty much infertile. However my periods have just returned (breastfeeding) and I’m scared I’ll get back into the hell of hoping to be pregnant month after month (even though there’s practically zero chance of it happening) I love my babies more than life itself but there’s a part of me still in mourning for the loss of my biological child (ren) I don’t know how to tell DH this though as I’m scared he’ll just think I’m being ridiculous

Try and talk to him. Men can be much more understanding than MN would have you believe.

Twins are exhausting.
Make sure you get enough help from where ever to have both enough physical energy and mental space to be able to feel sensual and sexual.
Consider how touched out you feel by your DC.
Separate out sex and reproduction. Maybe use some kind of protection between the two of you, so sex just becomes about the two of giving and receiving sexual pleasure.
Talk to your DH.
Consider counselling with regards to infertility if you have the time!

@Hopoindown31 I don’t feel like he will understand though. I don’t want my feelings dismissed and I feel like he’s become a lot more dismissive of me in the past year. I’ve talked to him about my desire for another child (even though it’s never going to happen) and he didn’t seem to get it. He just kept saying I already have two children and that’s enough. He’s a much more black and white person than I am though!

@pumkinspicetime My babies are amazing but my God you’re not wrong. I never knew it was possible to be so exhausted! I’ve fallen into that post baby cliche of just seeing sex as another chore on my to do list and I’d rather be asleep. My single mum friends were talking on our WhatsApp group yesterday about which Netflix shows they are currently watching and all I could think was “where the hell do you find the time and energy to watch the TV”

My parents take babies one afternoon a week but other than that I have them 24/7. We are planning on going to Relate for couples counselling which I’m hoping will help. I’ve had two lots of infertility counselling and neither really helped unfortunately.

OP, does every conversation about your sex life turn into you taking about wanting more children? Don't you think your husband might see that as you not listening to him. You need to try and have a conversation about your relationship and the role of sex in that. You are a wife as well as a mum.

My single mum friends were talking on our WhatsApp group yesterday about which Netflix shows they are currently watching and all I could think was “where the hell do you find the time and energy to watch the TV” Does your life need to be like that? It sounds a bit martyrish. I've been a single full time working plus studying parent and had time to watch tv. Now we live with my partner it's even easier, I would have moved out if having 2 adults in the house didn't make my life easier!

Does your partner parent his children or do his fair share of housework etc? Is he happy for you to go out and have your own time away from the children so you feel more like yourself instead of "mum"? This may make you feel more open to sexual activity. For me sex is a stress reliever rather than another chore to tick off but I appreciate it's different for anyone. For me and my partner we don't always have sex, we do other forms of sexual contact instead as we both prefer it sometimes, it keeps intimacy and it's nice to do different things. With other partners I've felt like sex wasn't complete until we'd had PIV sex but I think that was because they weren't so good at the other stuff This may take a bit of the pressure off. Just enjoy each other and being intimate with each other without having to necessarily do everything.

I only had one child and was exhausted.
Can you rally anymore help at all.
Nursery?
Can family have them more.

Twin babies must be absolutely exhausting!! From what he says I don't think he does his fair share of childcare otherwise he would get it. It must be absolutely relentless and the last thing in your mind must be sex. Time alone or peace or someone not requiring anything off you is what you dream of. Just because you wanted these babies and it was a struggle to get them doesn't make it any less exhausting.

Give yourself a break, don't worry about counselling, you're normal. Sit him down and talk him through a day in your life or even better, let him look after the babies whilst you gp away for a day and night or a weekend. Let him realise how relentless it all is

Do your twins have trouble sleeping?. I’m a lone parent and have brought up twins with no help since day one. I was lucky that they slept 12 hours from 5 months though, at 13 months they were asleep by 6pm -6am. I would spend an hour putting the house back together, make myself a sarnie (we would all have our cooked meal at midday) grab a huge glass of wine and watch tv!! They are nearly 9 now and I don’t have as much me time.

@Hopoindown31 Not really. I don’t mention it often and haven’t even said anything for a while. He thinks it’s a bit ridiculous that I’d like another, so I don’t really say anything about it generally.

@WaterOffaDucksCrack (love that name btw) I honestly don’t mean to sound like a martyr. I genuinely puzzle at where my friends find the time though. I have friends working FT + children who seem to have more leisure time. Twins don’t go to bed until about 7.30pm and by the time I’ve tidied round etc, it’s time for me to go to bed! They don’t sleep through so if I stay up late it’s just not worth the utter exhaustion the next day.

DH does some things. He washes up, tidies round etc; but the majority of cleaning/laundry etc. falls on me. I’m just constantly thinking of all the things that need doing. Then DH will tell me the house isn’t that bad and I feel totally invalidated in saying we need to get it sorted out!

@Mary1935 Unfortunately DHs parents live five hours drive away They would love to help more if they were closer. We can’t afford nursery. Plus even if we could I’d feel terrible sending them when I’m a SAHM at present.

@Musti thank you for your kind words God yes, nobody wanting anything off me is pretty much the dream at present! I wouldn’t dare go away and leave him with babies for a night though. He’s never done bedtime alone. I don’t think he would cope and I’d worry myself sick. I’ve never been away from them overnight.

@Bobbindobbin 6-6?? Wow. I can only dream Mine wake at least four times a night usually. Often more. I haven’t has a proper nights sleep in 13 months. I just keep telling myself it will improve as they get older (I hope!)

Having been through something similar with my DP, I found that the first key to unlocking the problem was to ensure that we were communicating about it and that we both understood the impact on each other of less/more sex. I'm certain that your DH has been bottling this all up and not wanting to pressure you after the birth of your DCs.

From there we could find some middle ground on what was reasonable in terms of frequency. Going from once every couple of months to 5 times a week just isn't going to happen but even moving to once a week I'm sure would be a great boost to your DH and most people if they are honest can find that time, even with 2 little ones around your ankles. It's then about if you want to find the time.

To get things rolling from there we actually pencilled in times during the week when we would try to fit things in. Once we found our stride we could remove the pre-planned time and found that we were just finding those moments where we hadn't thought it was realistic previously. Our mindsets changed and our sex life improved.

There's not one rule for all though, so communicate and work on it. Be aware of each others needs, he may find that helping out at bed time helps your energy and moods or whatever it is, if you help each other and are mindful of each other you can find your way back.

Crikey no wonder you are exhausted, I really do feel for you. Do they nap in the day? Mine were very, very premature so I think they slept an awful lot to catch up on growth. Are they in the same room and waking each other up? Could you see if there is a home start in your area to give you a few hours a week to catch up, have a bath relax etc.

You're exhausted, and no wonder.

You need to change things so your dh does do bedtimes and pick up the slack sometimes.

He is a perfectly competent adult in normal life, right? Unless there's a backstory where you cannot trust him with the dc, then you need to let go a bit and let him do it, let him do things his way a bit, even if he does it ways you know won't work. Have a night in a travelodge and just sleep.

You can't expect to feel sexy when you're mummy 24/7 and never have a second to yourself. And neither can he, the big idiot.

Also, I would take the chance of getting pregnant out of the equation, use contraception just say for the next six months, to give you the mental break, even if you do want more.

She has a husband who could give her a break for a bath .

Didn’t have twins but did have 2 under 5, change jobs, move house, work full time and do a degree. It was really hard going but we planned time together as adults not parents. We also took the DC for a few hours on alternate nights to give each other a break. I was really keen on intimacy / sex though so was happy with a quickie!! We had one in the bathroom once during a birthday party () as there were lots of other parents downstairs. That might not be for you but it kept me feeling like a desired woman not just a mother. I am not saying anyone should have sex if they don’t want to, but it is important in relationships and one persons feelings shouldn’t automatically top trump the others. I do understand your feelings about pregnancy so maybe contraception to know it won’t happen might take away that undercurrent of anxiety.?

I feel a really strong aversion to pencilling in sexy time! Perhaps I have a bad attitude but the thought of it just makes me feel really resentful. Like on top of everything else I have to make sure DH gets his regular shag. I know it’s an awful way to think. That’s why we are going to go to counselling because I don’t want to feel this way. We argue so much these days as well and I just don’t feel sexy towards him. He tries to be with me but it’s always at inappropriate moments. I’ll be preparing the babies dinner for example and he’ll start grabbing me for hugs and kisses. Then if I get annoyed and say I’m busy he’ll tell me I’m not affectionate enough. It’s starting to build such a wall between us and I feel so sad about it.

@Bobbindobbin they aren’t good nappers either. My little girl especially won’t nap for more than 45 minutes twice a day. I never managed to get them into a very good routine Unfortunately

There’s no Home Start near me. I did look into it, but the nearest one is quite far away and we’re outside the area.

@category12 They still feed to sleep so I really don’t think DH could get them to sleep alone. I struggle myself when he’s on night shift and that’s when I’m the one with the boobs. I’ve tried not always feeding them to sleep when they wake during the night but they just scream until I give in. I get back to sleep quicker just feeding them. Leaving them just isn’t an option at the moment.

I just feel done in. He’s just complained I put some of his clothes away because it’s spoiled “his system” I was trying to help for fucks sake. He’s always complaining I forget where I’ve put things etc. It’s like he says he understands I’m tired but then complains that I’m not functioning 100% day to day!

But then maybe he’d be in a better mood with me if we had more sex? He’s said he doesn’t expect it multiple times a week. Just once a week would be an improvement for him.

No. Don’t use sex to try and pacify him.

You are tired as you work 24/7. If he wants you to not be so tired, he should be doing more housework.

DH and I have two children. We have sex maybe once a month because we both work full time and are exhausted. Now the youngest is out of nappies (hurrah) we’re slightly less tired. So maybe we’ll manage twice a month 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t work atm though @SalrycLuxx, so I don’t have that as a reason to be too exhausted.
I am bloody knackered though. I just want to lie down and sleep today.

OP being at home with twins is much harder than going out to work! I worked part time when mine were 13 months and loved it. I could drink hot tea, talk to adults and eat my lunch in peace! You have my admiration staying home full time. It does get easier

When you talk about looking after your children YOU have then 24 hours, YOU are exhausted after having them all day.
What is he doing around the house to help?
I found my libido improved when I felt supported and appreciated outside the bedroom.

@Bobbindobbin you’re very kind but I’m honestly not that admirable. The thought of organising the logistics of going back to work give me such a headache I keep putting it off!

He does some stuff around the house @Blueuggboots. I’m the primary Carer though so it seems inevitable that I’ll have them most of the day/night.

Anyway he’s off work today so I’ve left him with them for a few hours. I’m just wandering round the shops feeling tired, but I’m out of the house I suppose

But I hear what you are saying @Blueuggboots I would definitely feel sexier if I felt more appreciated.

Ok
Pencilling sex may not sound sexy BUT what if you pencilled in 'cuddle' time ?

For most men sex makes them feel loved , where as cuddling makes women feel loved.

We end up giving all ourselves ti the babies and not so much to dh.

Children should come first but dh still needs to be a very close second.

It's finding that right balance.

He might have a different experience of putting them to bed tho, precisely because he doesn't have boobs. It might break the cycle of feeding them to sleep.