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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Frustrated DH. How to get our sex life back on track?

39 replies

smallblackflower · 28/08/2019 23:44

We have twins who have just turned 13 months. We’ve probably had sex about half a dozen times since they were born.

DH has told me tonight that he is constantly horny and frustrated. He says the fact that we have sex, it’s really good and then doesn’t happen again for ages is really difficult to cope with. I’m aware it’s not a good situation but I really don’t know where to start getting things back on track. We argue loads at the moment and I’m so tired from looking after the babies all day.

What did others do to put the spark back in their love lives after babies? I need some tips.

I think part of me is scared. The babies are egg donor babies as I am pretty much infertile. However my periods have just returned (breastfeeding) and I’m scared I’ll get back into the hell of hoping to be pregnant month after month (even though there’s practically zero chance of it happening) I love my babies more than life itself but there’s a part of me still in mourning for the loss of my biological child (ren) I don’t know how to tell DH this though as I’m scared he’ll just think I’m being ridiculousSad

OP posts:
SalrycLuxx · 29/08/2019 14:07

Yes, you do work. Childcare is work, as is cleaning, cooking and washing. It might.be stuff we all have to do, but it’s hard, manual and frankly exhausting.

I was relieved to return to my office after maternity leave because I found it easier than being at home all day.

Hopoindown31 · 29/08/2019 14:07

I think you need to get your DH doing more parenting tbh. You are exhausted because you have taken it upon yourself to be the parent with your DH as your sometime assistant.

How do I know this? Because you don't believe he is competent to look after your children overnight. At 13 months that is not really acceptable. Both my ex and DP were capable of being in sole charge of the kids by that age. He needs to step up and you need to let him. It's good to have a few hours out of the house but this should have been happening months ago.

Musti · 29/08/2019 14:40

You have to trust your dh to do childcare and leave him to it. He will find it hard and make mistakes but he'll learn just like you have to. And he can pick up housework too. Delegate certain tasks to him - shopping and dinner or laundry and once a week get him to take the twins out whilst you blitz the house (or he can blitz the house and you take the twins out) and schedule in a regular thing for just you (gym or a drink with a friend).

Original poster
smallblackflower · 29/08/2019 15:09

@category12 my little girl is incredibly persistent. She will scream and scream until she gets boobs. I don’t think DH could keep his cool. He gets really stressed when they cry.

@Hopoindown31 and @Musti I genuinely don’t believe he would be able to cope with them overnight. If I asked him to do it he’d tell me he wouldn’t be able to. Yes it’s rubbish but it’s the way things are. I never envisaged things would be like this after a year either, but here we are. I just keep telling myself it won’t last forever and that they’ll be bigger soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
smallblackflower · 29/08/2019 15:11

He’ll take them out in the pram for an hour but it’s so hard getting him to do more. I asked him today if he would take them out and he said he didn’t know where to take them (we don’t drive) He has no initiative with them at all. He’s been out on the bus with them without me twice!

OP posts:
pumkinspicetime · 29/08/2019 15:26

I also returned to work part time at 13 months. I worked as a children's post abuse therapist and it was much easier than being at home all day. I had lunch, breaks toilet breaks, adult conversations etc. Bliss.
Nursery cost what I earned and dc took a while to settle into it but honestly my only regret is that I didn't get a better balance sooner.

Hopoindown31 · 29/08/2019 15:39

OP then he needs to learn. You sounds if this situation is just something you accept when it doesn't have to be. I mean did any of us really know what it was going to be like before having our first? We all managed to figure it out.

Hopoindown31 · 29/08/2019 15:41

Btw look up maternal gatekeeping. He is being useless, he doesn't need your help reinforcing that.

Original poster
smallblackflower · 29/08/2019 16:03

@pumkinspicetime that sounds like an amazing (if difficult) job.
I’m hoping to start a masters the year after next as at the moment my earning potential is low. We are a low income family and I desperately want to change that.

@Hopoindown31 just looked up maternal Gatekeeping and it describes me perfectly. DH is always complaining that I always say he does everything wrong.

OP posts:
pumkinspicetime · 29/08/2019 16:09

I mentioned my job only because it could be thought of as difficult but I honestly found being at home with the twins 24/7 harder, much harder. Don't underestimate what you are doing.
Also leave your DH to it and do not hover, even if he wants you to. Of course he will be worse than you at looking after them because you do it so much. But you will have got better with practice and he needs to as well.

Musti · 29/08/2019 16:10

So he gets really stressed when they cry yet he expects you to just cope with it and at the same time do all the housework whilst attending to his sexual needs?? You need to talk to him. If he cant cope with the babies then he needs to take over the housework. Talk to him and explain that you are expected to cope with the babies and their relentless wanting of you whilst doing the laundry, ironing, shopping, cooking. Tell him to just try it for a day (I mean you've been doing it for 365 days so he can try it for a day) and then you'll be rested and ready for sex.

Original poster
smallblackflower · 29/08/2019 17:18

@pumkinspicetime thing is I love spending my days with them. They make me so happy. I’m just so bloody knackered all the time. I don’t resent my babies at all, but I’m starting to frequently resent DH and sometimes even my family. I definitely have baby burnout!

@Musti He works so I don’t think it would be fair to expect him to take over too much. A bit more help would be nice though. I think my standards are a bit too high as well. Perhaps I do just need to try and meet him in the middle.

God it’s so hard. I get tired just thinking about it all!

OP posts:
Iris27 · 29/08/2019 17:44

You are being given good advice here.

If you want your relationship with your OH to improve you need to listen.

Your OH is a father. He needs to father - not just the easy bits, but the hard bits too. He needs to do his fair share of the housework.

You ARE working. From the minute you get up and all through the night by the sounds of it. I skipped back to work as it is much easier than looking after kids all day.

You HAVE to let go and let him parent your children. No one has an inbuilt manual on how to do this. We all learn. He will learn. Your kids will survive being left in his care. Your relationship might not if you carry on this way.

Original poster
smallblackflower · 29/08/2019 22:21

@Iris27 This thread has definitely given me food for thought. I really appreciate everyone’s contributionsSmile

I definitely am guilty of taking too much on and being over protective of the babies. I read the articles about maternal Gatekeeping and they could honestly have all been written about me!

I came home to find both Dh and twins all still alive and eating their dinner. They were only eating quorn sausages whilst watching a football match, but all still breathingGrin

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