‘You need to hurry up if you want kids’

[EmptyFillingStation]

Why does anyone think that’s an ok thing to say?

I’m feeling so shit tonight. 35 and fertility over according to colleagues and general public/news.

I feel like giving up.

Take control about knowing the truth - get tested, freeze eggs if you can afford to, do you qualify for IVF if in a relationship - good luck

I don’t want to get tested. I’m not even in a relationship let alone in a position to consider kids. It’s shit and lonely.

You likely have good 5 to 15 years of fussing with contraception before the end. Don't unnecessarily put starting a family off by any means but neither should you base your decisions and mental state on questionable 300 year old data.

It’s not old data though is it. Fertility does slow down. I just feel like I will never have a family now.

Shut it down if they mention kids/ relationship just say it's none of their business and private would rather not discuss it. Or if you're pretending to be polite just stay quiet and ignore it. Soon will get the message!!

I echo Pants, take control, don’t be a victim. Luckily you don’t have to be in a relationship in this day and age to have kids. If you want them, consider your options, test your fertility, be informed. You may not achieve your ideal if it’s to have 4 of you own biological kids after marriage (although you could be lucky!) but you can choose to do things differently if you so wish. Bear in mind that many who start off their parenting journey in a committed relationship don’t stay together and have to parent alone, sometimes with the complication of an unreasonable other parent. If you really want kids, would you go it alone?

I don’t want to do it alone but I’m starting to accept I won’t ever be with someone.

It feels like a very very lonely life ahed.

Why don't you want to do it alone? Have you seriously considered it as an option?

NHS fertility page states that 90% of women under 40 will fall pregnant within 2 years or TTC.

Most people do not seem to know that.

I have bee,n told by MN posters that I'm embarrassing myself by stating fairly positive things about fertility under 40, attacked as though I said something appalling etc etc.

I'm not sure what do many people get out of terrifying and bullying women over 35 (or even approaching it) but they sure do get into it.

Yes fertility I'd gradually reducing and yes the reduction speeds up a bit after 35 but nonetheless most women under 40 apparently get pregnant sooner or later.

People with fertility problems naturally suffer a great deal of stress and pain; and that casts wide pall, which is perhaps part of the attitude above.

On that front,it could certainly be worth getting a fertility check - for what can be checked; I don't think.nhs do it but if you have the cash some private clinics will check what they can and that could help your decisions.

I met my now husband at 35, first baby due in 2 weeks at 41. No issues conceiving and my MW has loads of first timers over 40. It is still perfectly achievable.
One of my good friends is accidentally pregnant at 44 (no previous kids) from a one off error, don’t believe the press, it isn’t that hard.

Thanks.

It just scares me. I feel so sad tonight.

Further on the above - see any thread on here about what ages women had their kids and you'll see many many Kate 30s,clearly 40s mothers. Some had them later, some had eg kids young with first partner and kids later with second.

On the other side of the coin, have s look at the pregnancy choices board .. and see how many early and even mid 40s women are on there (nearly one a day at times) horrified, having found themselves pregnant accidentally, having believed they were "past it".

When I was at school, both our neighbour and my school mates mum.fell.pregnant at 45 (much to our show shock and disgust as we thought people over 30 were ancient and shouldn't be even thinking about sex).

Where I'm from, until recently some Catholic families and a few protestants did not use contraception and had kids til.thd woman couldn't - and that was not at 35, more like 42.

I also read something around new evidence about the age of the father being important in successful conception/carry to term.

Many older (e.g. 40s) first time mums will be trying with men in their 50s and 60s which won't help fertility stats.

In fact 42 seems like the real 'cliff' for many women - from what I've read as well as anecdotal experience/observation.

Get a check done, don't get stressed/down - if you dont have a partner and would like one, concentrate on social life and give yourself every - and I mean every - opportunity to meet someone. Also, no offence meant, but being tense, stressed, down/miserable is the opposite of attractive. Imagine meeting a man like that. Focus on good things and on enjoying yourself and meeting people.

Oh OP you poor thing. Ignore everyone else, I know several women in their late 30's and early 40's who have recently given birth to perfectly healthy children. Many women raise children on their own, some by choice and some not, but they all ace it! It's perfectly possible if you wanted to go down the sperm donation route. You also have plenty of time to meet someone, perhaps make a little bit of effort to meet some new people: join a club, try OLD, start a new hobby etc. Things will work out for you. Sending hugs x

I also read something around new evidence about the age of the father being important in successful conception/carry to term.

Yeah that's another thing noone cares to know about (esp men). If you're older trying to get pregnant, your chances will be better the younger the man. Now if that isn't a reason to get yourself a toy boy, I didn't not knowing w what is 😁.

" don't know what is

What is up with my autocorrect

Oh and as I said to a poster in.onw of the many fertility debate threads who stated that peak fertility was 25; "And peak oil was years ago, but you're still driving around in a car run on petrol, heating your house with kerosene and flying in planes powered by jet fuel, aren't you?".

:) that post made me smile Gilbert

Thank you for the replies. It feels so scary on your own sometimes.

Panicking won't achieve anything. But you need to make some sort of plan. Just not egg freezing, which is mostly a scam from what I've read.

Don't give up OP. I felt the same as you and met me DH when I was 36. We're trying for a baby now. Would have been earlier but we had a lot to deal with (cancer and death of a parent) before now. I'm 41. Don't give up! The only thing you can be certain of in life is that things will change.

I kissed A LOT of frogs and had some fun doing it (not always - some boring frogs). Go on whatever app is the newest / most popular for the biggest pool. Go on A LOT of 1st dates. I ended up only exchanging 5 or 6 messages before meeting for coffee or a drink. I just had to think we could manage a conversation.

I didn't know DH was the one by any means, but I was instantly attracted, which helped.

Get out there! And good luck.

Oh and it's the most unhelpful thing ever for people to tell you to hurry up. Have you tried asking "why would you say that?" and giving them a Hard Stare?

Well I met my ex at 35 and had 3 kids with him aged 36-40.

You're welcome.

I'd concentrate on improving and widening your social life, to try to meet someone. No harm in old,plenty of people have met that way .. be t it can be a shit show so definitely don't rely on it, it should be one strand of your 'dating' strategy.

People I know who met partners in 30s upwards met them through old, speed dating, am dram/musical club, bar/gig, hiking club, through a female relative (met at ceili dancing) .. I'm sure others have plenty of different examples.

I struggled to conceive and had multiple miscarriages at age 25. My friend got pregnant within the same week of trying at age 36.

Fertility issues are at all ages except yes it does get pressurizing when you feel like the deadline is nearing. And risks do increase with age statistically.

Not sure what to advise. Fertility issues are horrible at any stage but yes particularly when there is other risks and pressures involved.

Also there is parenting at an older age being a bit of a drain.

I think the person advising you was well intentioned but I don’t see it as productive to make someone panic when meeting MR right is actually not something that should be done in desperation.

Freezing eggs could be an option because most clinics state the preferable age is women in their 30s, if that option is feasible for u.

Only because you sound stressed about it and so you wouldn’t want that to be driving you to make haste decisions