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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

worried about boyfriend's friend

47 replies

CphMe · 28/08/2019 17:55

Hello all,

I need your advice. Perhaps im overreacting.

My SO and I are in our 30s. He tends to be friends with more women than men. He's very kind and friendly. Last year he met a girl at work, whom he befriended. She is 6 yrs younger than us.

As of today, they message pretty much daily. In emails he calls her " hello beautiful". In person, he is just normal to her, no " love-y dove-y" vibes, but when we're out, he'd msg her to make sure she got home OK. She clearly likes him and barely can stand me. I feel uncomfortable about her, as she is very stand-offish towards me. Over the last year she has not asked me one question or started a conversation. I communicated that to my SO, but he says it's not the case. I am no jealous, but I am uneasy about them msging daily.

I want him to have friends, but I also want to feel relaxed in social situations. Am I being paranoid?

Thanks!

OP posts:
CIareIsland · 28/08/2019 18:32

Have you seen the content of the messages? Is he open with his phone?

Jesse70 · 28/08/2019 18:38

U don't want to overreact but u can't help feeling the way you do
Does she make it obvious she doesn't like you in front of SO?
I guess u could tell him how u feel and ask if he would be happy of the shoe were on the other foot
Or just try and trust him

NoBaggyPants · 28/08/2019 18:41

I'd be less impressed if he didn't check she was home safely. That's just good manners.

There's a disagreement whether she ignores you or not. What does she do if you talk to her?

toadabode · 28/08/2019 18:42

No guy would message a girl 6 years younger than him starting hello beautiful if he had any respect for his girlfriend whatsoever

RLEOM · 28/08/2019 19:15

Hello beautiful? This man has no respect for you and will continue to be this way for as long as you are together. Get rid.

marriedwithhounds · 28/08/2019 20:47

I wouldn't be happy about this. Ask him if you can read through their messages. If he says no/stalls for time then be very concerned.

FloatingObject · 28/08/2019 20:59

I wouldn't like it.

RJonezy · 28/08/2019 21:02

I would not be happy with the 'hello beautiful' it's quite flirty... what is his intentions?

Also the making sure she gets home ok? That's not his concern.

Original poster
CphMe · 28/08/2019 21:05

Thank you ladies for your answers. Yes, he calls her that in his emails ( but I feel it's more cutesy, not sexy). I got suspicious one day and read his phone ( I know, I shouldn't have done that). The emails/ txts are neutral. He's not flirty at all. She is.However they msg too much.
Other people noticed she's very stand offish with me. I just hate him dragging her everywhere where we go. She invited him to a concert once, he booked ticks for me and him. She was shocked to see me attending. I just wanted to check how you feel about male/ female friendships.

OP posts:
Blueoasis · 28/08/2019 21:07

He should not be calling her beautiful all the time. He lacks any respect for you. What a sleaze.

MissFloof · 28/08/2019 21:07

Very flirty, you can't control or do anything about her behaviour and neither can he. but what he can control is how he behaves towards her. You both need to sit down and talk to each other, tell him what you've said on her and discuss boundaries

Mermaidsinthesand · 28/08/2019 21:22

Maybe he is being friendly, but doesn't know how to deal with her responses back.

I would have a talk with him explaining how you feel, see what he says. Make a plan going forward of expectations

CloudyWithAChance2 · 28/08/2019 21:27

Most normal blokes I would say definitely be concerned but you say he has more female friends than male?
This is very unusual for a guy in his 30s.

Is his relationship with her a lot different than his friendships with the other girls?

Original poster
CphMe · 28/08/2019 21:38

He's definitely not normal, he may be on the spectrum :) We had a few talks about her, but I dont want to sound like a nag. And yes, he always connected better with women. He grew up in a home with a very strong single mum. I am ok with him having female friends, just not as close. And not with somebody who refuses to be friendly towards me.
She is the closest friend of his atm. I wish he was a normal dude, into football and all that... Any tips how you would deal with the woman?

OP posts:
RJonezy · 28/08/2019 21:42

@CphMe I would tell him how this is all making you feel, say he needs to back off. Sorry but that's what I would do.

His reaction to that will tell you what you need to know. If you find out he's then hiding the friendship then that will also tell you louder.

Original poster
CphMe · 28/08/2019 21:43

I wish mums net allowed to like posts. Thank you all. Really appreciated.

OP posts:
CloudyWithAChance2 · 28/08/2019 21:45

The fact that he doesn’t try to hide his relationship with her from you is a good sign.

RJonezy · 28/08/2019 22:38

@CloudyWithAChance2 I agree with that too

MsDogLady · 29/08/2019 05:26

Your BF is enjoying this ego boost. He has created a triangle and has two women fighting over him.

There is quite a bit going on in secret. He is messaging daily and calling her beautiful. Her messages are flirty. I would assume that they are flirting at work.

He is showing utter disregard for you. “Hello Beautiful” is not cutesy. It is inappropriate and crossing a line. She is sending flirty messages, but he is not shutting that down. In fact, he encourages her by continuing the frequent chatting and compliments, including her in your date nights, and checking on her later.

It is not surprising that he denied her coldness toward you and dismissed your feelings of discomfort around her.

I would show him the door and leave them to it.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 29/08/2019 06:02

The fact that he booked tickets - for a concert she invited him to - for both you and him is a good sign, the fact he doesn't hide his phone/ her messages from you is also a good sign, the fact that he is linguistically neutral non-flirty in his messages to her also a good sign. The "hello beautiful" business on its own is not really evidence of romantic feelings; I'll start text messages to my female friends with "hello beautiful" or "hi gorgeous" - doesn't mean I want to jump into bed with them (and I'm married to a woman). Her being stand-offish with you - not so much of a good sign.

I reckon his feelings towards her are non- romantic, just friendly, but that she feels something more towards him, which would explain why she doesn't want you around and blanks you.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 29/08/2019 06:05

Oh I missed the bit about him inviting her along to your evenings out together - yeah that needs to be stopped. Agree it oversteps a line.

BoopBoopedooBoo · 29/08/2019 06:14

I had a shitty relationship (won't go into it now) where the guy had a female friend who was interested in him and had met him on a dating site. She insisted he meet with her every week and once we were established he tried to bring me but she would cancel every time til eventually he called her on it because along with other awkward and dodgy behaviour, it became apparent she had a problem. Which she did. I had been nothing but friendly and accommodating, wanting to meet her eventually, etc. She was a bit of a boil in the bag bunny. Needless to say, he stopped giving her as much time.

CCDL · 29/08/2019 07:06

I have no real problem with male-female friendships. I think the way I would assess whether a m/f friendship is crossing the line is whether his behaviour would be odd if done to a male friend.

So for example, if he messaged his male friends and called them beautiful/handsome etc then that’s probably normal for him.

However, I’m guessing that he doesn’t send such messages to his male mates.... In which case he is out of line.

Newbie1981 · 29/08/2019 07:07

Love that he bought you both tickets. That speaks volumes. X

Chitarra · 29/08/2019 07:14

I agree that I don't think he's interested in her romantically (despite the 'Hi Beautiful' if his messages aren't flirty and he bought tickets for both of you when she invited him to a concert). It sounds like she's got a crush on him but hopefully it will fade when she realises he's not keen.

My advice would be to maintain your dignity (as you have done so far). Try not to let it bother you, but keep calmly pointing out to your partner whenever she (or he) oversteps a line. Just say 'I don't think that's really appropriate' and make it clear you want nights out with him for just the two of you, no one else invited. Refer to her behaviour as a 'crush' to make it clear that you trust him and you know it's one-sided, but it's still not acceptable.