worried about boyfriend's friend

[CphMe]

Hello all,

I need your advice. Perhaps im overreacting.

My SO and I are in our 30s. He tends to be friends with more women than men. He's very kind and friendly. Last year he met a girl at work, whom he befriended. She is 6 yrs younger than us.

As of today, they message pretty much daily. In emails he calls her " hello beautiful". In person, he is just normal to her, no " love-y dove-y" vibes, but when we're out, he'd msg her to make sure she got home OK. She clearly likes him and barely can stand me. I feel uncomfortable about her, as she is very stand-offish towards me. Over the last year she has not asked me one question or started a conversation. I communicated that to my SO, but he says it's not the case. I am no jealous, but I am uneasy about them msging daily.

I want him to have friends, but I also want to feel relaxed in social situations. Am I being paranoid?

Thanks!

He must know she views this more than a friendship? He cant be that stupid. I think you have handled this very well. It is obviously clear too you he has no more feelings for her than you would in a friendship, but It sounds like he is stringing her along. He must know her feelings are more than that. Which will never end well. She should not disrespect you in that way. Male or female they are friends of his and should be supportive of his relationship if he is happy and in a good relationship. If you trust him and believe his intentions are innocent and friendly. You need too tell him you feel that she does not like you and you would like too try and build a friendship with her too. It is important too you that he is happy and you want too get on with all of his friends. Keep It a positive conversation and don't make yourself look jealous. I have a feeling she is playing a game. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer x

@Sp3849 he really is that stupid. Last year a woman was cosing up to him, and until everyone around him told him she liked him a bit too much, he backed off. After meeting him once ( I was at that party) she was skyping him from the US for tips. He lived in the US....9 years ago for a few months. So yes, he's a bit of an idiot when it comes to social situations. As to the current friend, she had her bday last week. He posted bday wishes, on FB, I added mine 😝, but she thanked only him. And other people. But I was left out. A few weeks back, over drinks, she was very upset to find out we became a couple over night pretty much, years ago. To me everything is very clear. My girlfriends say the same. However I will not stop him from being friends with women. For time being I'm overbearingly nice to her, and very affectionate with bf when she's around haha. Hope she'll get the message. Thanks all for your posts!

Plenty of people with negative things to say about your SO, OP. Personally I think he sounds like a great guy, really caring and thoughtful. But he does sound very naïve.

It sounds to me that even if you spell out your concerns that he won't share them and won't see that his friend is being a dick to you. He won't see that she has feelings beyond what he has for you. But I think you need to put your foot down on this one. Be very clear that you trust him but that she is deliberately making you feel like shit. Even though the FB birthday post thing might seem silly on it's own I'd definitely screenshot her likes of other peoples comments and lack of like to yours, it's very telling actually.

On her side she will see you as the barrier to a relationship with your SO. She's not going to change how she is to you. It's easy to see why she might have developed feelings for your SO as he's so nice to her and compliments her all the time.

I'd feel a bit sorry for her.
In her mind once he's got over his 'infatuation' with you he'll realise she is the 'one' after all and they'll drive off into the sunset together.

Can not some kindly person gentle tell her she's wasting her time.

Maybe your dp could set her up with a friend, as he cares fir her well being?

Hello beautiful? Wtf???

So not appropriate OP. You just don’t say that to someone who you claim is just a friend! I’d be furious in your shoes.

The only other woman my husband calls 'hello beautiful' is our daughter! That seems ok, but some random he's not related too is wrong in my opinion .

How would he react if you had the same sort of contact with a male "friend" ?

Hmm, I'm male and I think having female friends is fine but no friendship that could hurt your partner is worthwhile. When I got with my girlfriend I had a few female friends. A couple very close. I don't have any real sisters but always referred to them jokingly as my little sisters.

When I got with my girlfriend one of them got on very well with her and one was standoffish and clearly had a problem beyond 'not clicking with her.'

The latter is not my friend anymore - there was no place for a female friend that had a problem with my girlfriend. The former probably talks to my girlfriend more than me now, but we remain close (as much as possibly since we now both have babies under 1.5 years old with our respective partners.)

ps. the potato head comment was made as a joke, but it didnt feel that way to me. She said she just wanted to point out how her "brethren" call ppl from E. Europe.

I couldn't stay with man who minimised my feelings in such an insulting way, particularly a man who addresses a female friend as Beautiful, and insists she attend all our social outings.. especially sharing with him that she does not acknowledge you... real friends do not behave in this way.. He wants her around for his own ego.. FUCK THAT.. I'd be out already.

Assuming you're right and it's naivety rather than anything more concerning on his part I think I might go at this from a different angle. Point out to him that, if you're right and she's interested in him, he's not actually doing her any favours here. He's unavailable and she's missing other opportunities while she's mooning over someone she can't have. You've mentioned some pretty obvious signs that she is interested in him in your posts here, show him a list if he's still not convinced, it might help him see the big picture.

Hmm, in your last message you sound like you think you are superior to her. Not a good look. Pride can become before a fall remember.

@AnyFucker fair point. Wasn't my intention. I dont feel superior to anyone. It's just an observation, simple facts. I see why my so is friends with her, because to him she's lovely.

I was just looking for reasons why somebody who's never talked to me would be so stand-offish. My gfs suggested that. Sorry if I came across as arrogant. Anyway, I really appreciate all the input 🙂

OP don't apologise for being beautiful inside and out, and don't take this Shit off anyone any longer.

If he doesn’t notice her stand-offishness to you, he hasn’t got your back. But men can be really literal or a bit blind about picking up more subtle interpersonal dynamics between other people.

Why not try really “love bombing “ her. Whenever you and she are in each other’s company, be really interested in her, ask her questions about herself, and really listen to her. Show her you have nothing to fear from her and that YOU are your SO’s girlfriend not her.

Be confident of your SO - don’t act as if you’re jealous or uncertain of his affection.

It sounds as though she is interested in him, but he is oblivious and only interested in you!

Could he be closet gay? This is how I chat with some of my gay friends as a straight (fairly!) young woman . Could be looking at a totally different issue and you did say he has many female friends which gay men tend to have

What does SO mean?

Significant Other ???

Extra affectionate with boyfriend when she's around would just look needy and like you are clutching at straws unless he's equally extra affectionate back. If fact it's him mostly who needs to be extra affectionate to you in front of her when she's around for it to have any effect.

If you think your BF might be on the spectrum and can't read people very well maybe you do need to present him with a list of facts and occasions when she wasn't nice to you, including ignoring the happy birthday wishes and so on.
Also, I hope he calls you beautiful and better than beautiful, so compared to what he calls you him calling her beautiful is nothing outrageous. :)

He's having you on!
He may well have more female friends - but do they all behave like this with him and you?

He KNOWS she fancies him - he just thinks it's ok because he doesn't feel that way about her.
He's still enjoying the attention from her though, seeing as she's his 'current' bf and In emails he calls her " hello beautiful"... when we're out, he'd msg her to make sure she got home OK.... She clearly likes him... I just hate him dragging her everywhere where we go

HE is choosing to make her a third wheel in your relationship.
HE is choosing not to put appropriate boundaries in place.
HE is more invested in her emotionally than is reasonable or acceptable when in a relationship with someone else.

He also knows of her attitude towards you - so where is HIS respect for YOU?
Why does he still allow her to carry on and expect YOU to suck it up?
Don't excuse his ego on the basis that he might have a spectrum condition - some men are just dickheads.

Speak up and put your foot down re HIS handling of her behaviour- and his attitude towards you.