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Original poster

Father of my baby doesn’t seem interested in our baby

47 replies

Agriffiths · 28/08/2019 17:24

Long-ish story/rant/asking for opinions

Baby girl is 4 months old. She wasn’t planned. Contraception failed. Boyfriend has always said he never wants children. Purely because of how the world is etc and if the world were in different situations etc then he might have wanted one

Found out I was pregnant. He begged me to terminate, id always said I would but obviously things change when you’re actually in that situation.. I just couldn’t do it
We were and are living together and when I told him I can’t terminate, he planned on moving home. (Hes from a different part of England, about a 6 hour drive from me but moved in with me about a month before I knew I was pregnant!)

From absolutely no where he changed his mind, after weeks of living together but not speaking etc. He said he’ll stay. I told him not to say that if he thinks there’s a chance he will want to leave once the baby is here because that’s not fair on anyone. He said he’d stay.

Ever since she’s been born, she’s been a high needs/fussy baby. Very hard to get through the day every now and then
Boyfriend gets annoyed so easily and even 2 minutes of baby whinging or crying and he’s in a bad mood for the rest of the day

I breastfeed her and she’s obviously clingy with me. So it’s hard for him to help sometimes. All I asked is that he change nappies when he can and have her for an hour each night so I can get a bath or whatever just for a break. 1 hour out of 24..
That doesn’t always happen.
I can be sitting in the bath and hear him swearing and getting mad. Can hear him huffing and puffing. Baby girl either distressed or in pain from colic
Sometimes things get too much for me and I have a cry, but that makes him mad too. Tells me I’ve then put him in a bad mood and it’s not as if she’s been crying all day.. coming from the man who gets mad after having her for 5 minutes out of a 24 hour day!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes if I ask him to hold her a second he’ll roll his eyes or say that I should be able to put her down
I’ve not once complained about not being able to put her down. She’s fussy, she wants to be held, and I don’t mind that.

We’ve had so many arguments over the time saying he can’t cope and he didn’t want this and it’s all my fault. He’s often depressed. Has said he doesn’t want to be here anymore. Often says he’s moving out, but then that doesn’t happen and when I bring it up that he’s said that previously but chose to stay, he says it’s because I blubber like a baby..

I just don’t know how much more I can take.
I love him so so much and we do have nice, good times. I don’t want him to leave. I don’t want him to be angry and depressed.
But I’ve tried everything and there’s nothing I can do to help the situation

It’s almost every day now. His mood affects mine.
Sometimes I struggle with our baby and I just need him to support me. I don’t need the extra stress from him
It will break my heart if we split, if he no longer sees his daughter or if she grows up with him absent because he doesn’t live with us
I really don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Epona1 · 28/08/2019 22:08

I’d be worried that his moods and getting angry when he is looking after baby could escalate and he end up hurting her.

I think deep down you know he needs to leave, it won’t get better and do you really want your child growing up in that environment?

I’m not saying you need to end it, but he definitely needs to leave. I think he’s checked out already in all honesty.

Have you any family support or friends to help? Please also talk to your health visitor, they’re there for you and your wellbeing not just your babies health checks

Kerry197878 · 28/08/2019 22:12

I think it's a very stressful
Situation but it seems your partner is creating more anxiety and if he can't even watch or deal with a small child for an hour or so whilst you have a bath and all you hear is him ranting downstairs there a big issue..
This won't change until you change it .. you need
To
Have a conversation with him and if he cannot get to grips with it all he needs to leave and let you get on with it ... you seem to be doing ok and your practically doing it alone anyway x

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/08/2019 00:14

This is one of the most horrible situations I have read about on here - get him out now! Your poor baby !

Parker231 · 29/08/2019 00:20

Poor baby and poor you. He obviously doesn’t care for either of you. Do you have family who can come and stay to help you and give you a break?

Sunflowers211 · 29/08/2019 00:57

He is using you @Agriffiths and that's it. You and your baby deserve far better than this muppet. I mean he is angry at a newborn, please do not ignore these warnings from us all. Ask him to leave, no relationship should be like this, he is pathetic and needs to go.

Aridane · 29/08/2019 00:59

He didn't want the baby when you were pregnant and he doesn't want her now. He brings nothing to the party

LellyMcKelly · 29/08/2019 01:21

You need to prioritise your baby. Tell him to go. It will hurt short term, but you will all be so much better off longer term.

Scott72 · 29/08/2019 03:58

"Using her"? Its unacceptable for him to get so grumpy at the poor baby, obviously. However he made it quite clear he didn't want children. He has been honest. What does he get out of the current arrangement? Yes OP, let him go, it would be best for everyone. You could still apply for Child Support from him if you want though.

Sadie789 · 29/08/2019 04:02

He said he didn’t want kids before you were pregnant. He said he didn’t want the baby when you got pregnant. He said it to you then and he’s saying it to you now. This won’t change. Leave and bring the baby up on your own.

VLCDoingIt · 29/08/2019 04:23

You should ask him to leave.

It isn't going to get better.

Imagine the heartache your daughter will go through when she's a little older and rejected daily by her dad who has no interest in playing, colouring or reading with her.

Cut ties now whilst she's small.

inboxmayhem · 29/08/2019 04:27

He doesn't want her or you. Put you and your DD first, kick the fucker out. You'll survive and DD will be secure with you.

God I hate men! 😕

Sincethereis · 29/08/2019 04:49

I’m honestly not sure why your surprised!

He didn’t want a baby and made that rather clear - he wanted a termination, he said he didn’t want kids, she wasn’t planned.

It would be best if he left tbh for both you and him. You’d be less stressed and he’d be able to the child-free life that he wanted.

Scott72 · 29/08/2019 04:50

I think he should seriously consider getting him vasectomized.

Breastfeedingworries · 29/08/2019 05:00

It’s hard enough looking after a baby without an over sized, pissed off man child also stressing you out. Speak to him, he stays and helps or leaves.

This stage is very hard because they’re new to the world and a lot can scare babies. They do get passed it but to help your dd I would make sure she has a lot of experiences. Take her to groups where she meets lots of babies and other adults. You can improve her confidence. Swimming was the best thing for mine, wears her out and she saw so many people. I made sure family and friends held her a lot from a young age too. It’s not too late for that either. I knew I’d be a single mum so I wanted an easy baby.

No ones perfect but my dd is usually well tempered and chilled. Smiles at strangers, I can put her down to crawl everywhere, she’s now like mummy who and just wants to explore. Think it’s normal stage at nearly 9 months.

Hope my post helps. XFlowers

motherbott · 29/08/2019 05:26

OP to give you some perspective my sweet-tempered husband also struggles minding our breastfed 6-week-old baby girl. When he comes home from work I'd be lucky to get 40 minutes to myself without incidence. Like you the only time I get to myself is when I take a shower at the end of the day.
I express a bottle and leave it with husband in case baby gets hungry and I tell him if she's changed and fed and still won't settle then there's nothing else he can do but to ride it out. Then I ignore them until I've finished my shower.
He gets very stressed and upset when the baby is crying so I can see why a man like your partner would react very badly to a baby he never wanted anyway.
I agree with PP that he might end up being too rough with the baby or hurt her. I doubt he is going to want to be around her at this stage but when she is older and more "fun" he may change his mind and want to be in her life.
Trouble is you wouldn't want the father of your child to want to stick around when things are easy only to abandon them when things get tough because there will be plenty of both in the years to come. It sends mixed messages to the child and it may not be in her best interest to have him in her life at all.
These are things you should consider when deciding how you will move forward. The baby must come first.
Do you have any friends or family that could help you? Maybe to move in with or for them to move in with you to help with the baby?

latenightsnack · 29/08/2019 06:26

I think he's made his point very clear since the beginning. He did not want a baby.

Now that is no excuse for being rude to you or the baby at all but that is what happens when you are forced to do something or pushed into a situation you repeatedly said you didn't want to be in. Nobody's fault as you were both responsible enough to use contraception.

I believe he is trying to coexist with this baby but deep down he knows he's in a situation he doesn't want to be in, not now and not ever and that's why he's being like that. I would personally tell him either he choose in or out with the baby but it can't continue like that.

You can bring that baby up on your own, it's better to have no dad than to have a shitty dad.

whattodowith · 29/08/2019 12:17

I would be worried about how angry and frustrated he regularly gets with her tbh, it doesn’t sound as though he can be trusted alone with her right now... Babies can be difficult but there’s no excuse to regularly shout and swear at them ffs, they have no idea what’s even going on! Poor little thing Sad.

Leave him, your baby deserves a better life than this.

HeyMonkey · 29/08/2019 12:30

I think you might as well separate. It sounds like this isn't the life he wanted, and would have chosen to not have it if it was up to him.

I would be the same. I don't have children and don't want children. Of course as a woman I would have the choice to abort, which I would do, but I can't imagine not having that option.

If this is how he felt he should have been more serious about contraception.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/08/2019 12:43

Sorry but he needs to go. Now.

He told you he didn't want a baby. He can't handle living with a baby.

I can be sitting in the bath and hear him swearing and getting mad. Can hear him huffing and puffing. Baby girl either distressed or in pain from colic

This is a really volatile situation. What if he snaps and hurts your baby?

Please protect her. And it sounds like a horrible way for you to live too. Imagine the peace and quiet (well, relatively, with a baby!) with him and his sulks and huffing and puffing GONE.

Has said he doesn’t want to be here anymore

Pack his bag for him and send him on his way, he sounds like a shitty father and a horrible partner. Sorry, but you have to put your baby first here. Flowers

MMmomDD · 29/08/2019 12:52

Another voice saying - not sure why you are surprised.
He didn’t mislead you.
And babies are hard work even for people who want them. And for those who don’t - it’s even worse.
And fathers (even happy ones) take a while to bond with babies as the first year babies are so fixated on moms.
In his situation - he has no bond whatsoever. And who knows if it’ll change later - IF he sticks around.
For now - the baby is a competitor who took his gf away.

In your place - i’d stop complaining about him or expecting anything off him - as he won’t change.
Do you have a family? It can you organise your life to get more help, somehow?
It’s unlikely this relationship will survive - so start planning for the future on your own.

prawnsword · 29/08/2019 13:09

I would be concerned if he is swearing & losing his cool at the baby, that he might shake the baby, or injure her due to carelessness.

It will break my heart if we split, if he no longer sees his daughter or if she grows up with him absent because he doesn’t live with us

I know you might not to split up, but this is not just about you anymore. I am going to be tough here - you decided keep the baby & that is OK! Life doesn't always go according to plan. But what comes with this decision is the responsibility to not put your wants before your daughter's needs. You are trying to play happy families but it clearly isn't working well.

He never wanted her. You simply can't force him to love her & be the father you want. This fantasy life is for your benefit, not your daughter's.

Windmillwhirl · 29/08/2019 13:19

So sorry to hear how stressful things are for you.

He's unhappy and staying possibly because he said he would. Give him an out, tell him it's ok to go.

Then garner other supports from family/friends, if possible. It sounds like he does very little as it is.

I hope things improve for you soon.

ScreamingLadySutch · 29/08/2019 14:08

He never lied to you.

He said he didn't want to be a father and he doesn't want to be a father.

You are the one who changed the rules.

So now you need to get on with it.

Mishappening · 29/08/2019 14:12

Oh God - just leave him for goodness sake - he is not father material and you need to make him history. Surely you can see that?!

MsDogLady · 29/08/2019 14:55

I can be sitting in the bath and hear him swearing and getting mad. Can hear him huffing and puffing. Baby girl either distressed or in pain from colic.

He is verbally abusing and terrifying your baby. He does not love and cherish her, and does not want to bond with her.

Why are you tolerating this? Protect your child and tell him to leave ASAP.