Father of my baby doesn’t seem interested in our baby

[Agriffiths]

Long-ish story/rant/asking for opinions

Baby girl is 4 months old. She wasn’t planned. Contraception failed. Boyfriend has always said he never wants children. Purely because of how the world is etc and if the world were in different situations etc then he might have wanted one

Found out I was pregnant. He begged me to terminate, id always said I would but obviously things change when you’re actually in that situation.. I just couldn’t do it
We were and are living together and when I told him I can’t terminate, he planned on moving home. (Hes from a different part of England, about a 6 hour drive from me but moved in with me about a month before I knew I was pregnant!)

From absolutely no where he changed his mind, after weeks of living together but not speaking etc. He said he’ll stay. I told him not to say that if he thinks there’s a chance he will want to leave once the baby is here because that’s not fair on anyone. He said he’d stay.

Ever since she’s been born, she’s been a high needs/fussy baby. Very hard to get through the day every now and then
Boyfriend gets annoyed so easily and even 2 minutes of baby whinging or crying and he’s in a bad mood for the rest of the day

I breastfeed her and she’s obviously clingy with me. So it’s hard for him to help sometimes. All I asked is that he change nappies when he can and have her for an hour each night so I can get a bath or whatever just for a break. 1 hour out of 24..
That doesn’t always happen.
I can be sitting in the bath and hear him swearing and getting mad. Can hear him huffing and puffing. Baby girl either distressed or in pain from colic
Sometimes things get too much for me and I have a cry, but that makes him mad too. Tells me I’ve then put him in a bad mood and it’s not as if she’s been crying all day.. coming from the man who gets mad after having her for 5 minutes out of a 24 hour day!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes if I ask him to hold her a second he’ll roll his eyes or say that I should be able to put her down
I’ve not once complained about not being able to put her down. She’s fussy, she wants to be held, and I don’t mind that.

We’ve had so many arguments over the time saying he can’t cope and he didn’t want this and it’s all my fault. He’s often depressed. Has said he doesn’t want to be here anymore. Often says he’s moving out, but then that doesn’t happen and when I bring it up that he’s said that previously but chose to stay, he says it’s because I blubber like a baby..

I just don’t know how much more I can take.
I love him so so much and we do have nice, good times. I don’t want him to leave. I don’t want him to be angry and depressed.
But I’ve tried everything and there’s nothing I can do to help the situation

It’s almost every day now. His mood affects mine.
Sometimes I struggle with our baby and I just need him to support me. I don’t need the extra stress from him
It will break my heart if we split, if he no longer sees his daughter or if she grows up with him absent because he doesn’t live with us
I really don’t know what to do

OP, what sort of contraception were you using? Unless it was condoms, it's possible he suspects you tricked him into fatherhood. He may wonder if you thought, "Well, he doesn't want children now, but once the baby is here he might be surprised by how much he loves him/her..." and decided to be a bit lax with contraception. Obviously that wouldn't excuse his behaviour in any way, but discussing it with him may clear the air.

Ultimately, though, I really doubt his attitude to you and your daughter will change. It's probably best to get out now. It sounds like a damaging environment for her to grow up in.

I don't want children, so i can understand him being absolutely certain he didn't want a child.

It wasn't that you didn't use contraception, you were trying to be careful, but it failed, so it isn't that he did something "wrong" as such, he tried to be safe and avoid pregnancy.

You had led him to believe you would be happy to terminate if this situation arose, then you totally moved the goalposts on him and announced you were keeping the baby.

In his mind, he will be understandably angry that he felt you had a solid plan in place incase an accidental pregnancy ever occured, and you've basically done the complete opposite and made him a father against his wishes.

This is not the life he wanted, he was very clear about that from the off, and he is, in my opinion, understandably angry that the biggest decision in life, to become a parent or not, was taken off of him, and he's been forced in to it, because you changed your mind. He is now tied to you for life, and is at the very least financially obligated for the next 18 years, realistically forever, thus drastically changing the life he always dreamed of/planned to have. He is probably under all sorts of pressure morally from family, friends, even just society in general, of what he SHOULD do, even when it isn't what he actually wants.

As for "he should have had a vasectomy" good luck getting any doctor to agree to that when you're young and childless! You're treated like you don't know what you want and told like a child no, we don't trust you not to change your mind. So much for your body, your choice.

He's angry at you for forcing the baby on him, angry at the baby for existing, probably also angry at himself that this has happened even though it wasn't his fault.

When you 100% know you don't under any circumstances want a child, being made to have one is absolutely the worst thing in the world that could happen to you.

You need to tell him to leave. Not have him say he's leaving and still be there.

His swearing and lack of patience would be terribly stressful for me.

He needs to go and you know that you're on your own. Not having him huffing and puffing, which is not good for you.

As for "he should have had a vasectomy"

I said he should seriously consider getting one now because its apparent he's really not cut out to be a father, but you're right it will be hard for him to get one.

You had led him to believe you would be happy to terminate if this situation arose

I missed that part, yeah OP did move the goalposts. She's also apparently using emotional manipulation to convince him to stay, when she said be encouraging him to leave. He's obviously very unhappy. I don't think he'll physically hurt the baby, and his grumpiness and swearing won't emotionally harm her yet, but once she gets older it will. Sorry OP, your dream of happy families with him just isn't going to work out.

OP- imagine it's your daughter writing this post - what advice would you give her? Would you want this for her?

Your poor little baby. Your partner made it clear he didn’t want a baby, you went ahead anyway, which was your choice. But based on his current behaviour why do you think he is going to welcome the disruption in his life.

Having a baby is insanely hard work, even when you’re caring, loving and committed to the child. In this case, it sounds scary. I just hope we don’t end up reading about it in the paper if/when something bad happens and the asshole flips out and harms your little one.

Babies get even harder work. At the moment she’s noisy and a disruption to him. When she starts moving and needing food and craves his attention, it will be even harder. Honestly, LTB

This genuinely sounds like a situation where it would be best if you went your separate ways.

That being said, a colicky, high needs baby is incredibly stressful. DS was the same and it really put a strain on our strong relationship. We still talk about it now and how stressful it was.

When DS turned one it started to get easier. We were in a bigger house, he slept a bit better and he was more keen on climbing up things that staying on me.

I'd like to say you could wait it out for a bit until your DD turns one but it doesnt really sound like your relationship has that strength.

Your partner has never wanted children and now he's faced with a baby that is really hard work (I dont really have much sympathy for him but it is what it is). I really think he needs some space away from you both to really analyse how he feels. It's not fair that he is taking his frustrations and anger out on you. That is no way to live.

And you need to state that to him in a calm and controlled way.

There are ways to co-parent amicably and happily. Maybe you can work things out that way?

Either way he needs to make a decision. Either leave if he cannot cope or stop resisting and get stuck in. Those are the two options. Anything else results in an awful environment for you and baby.

He clearly has no attachment relationship with her and he's not going to develop one unless he wants to. You need to protect her now. She's more important than your relationship.

He told you he didn't want children.... I don't know why this situation is surprising. He is trying to do summit he really doesn't want to do. Let him go.

Ahhhhh OP, this is one of the saddest things I've read on here in a while. This is such a hard/fantastic/vulnerable time for you, and you should be enjoying these early days, not sobbing in the bath because you've only had five minutes to yourself. I know you said that you love him, but please understand that this is not how it is supposed to be. Yes, PP have pointed out that he didn't want the baby, but you are where you are now and he needs to either man up and support you, or leave. I would tell him he has a choice, to either step up and be a father or leave for the freedom he so desperately wants. If he leaves, he'll regret it one day. But if he stays, you might. Sending lots of unmumnetty hugs to you, please also reach out to your health visitor for extra support x

I’m not being rude but he made it clear he didn’t want kids from the beginning. I think it’s sad he hasent been helpful with the child but unfortunately he again made it clear. I think it’s on you now.

You either put up and keep hoping he will change or you ask him to go 🤷‍♀️

He has to go

Could possibly be he doesn’t even like kids - the ‘world being different’ BS was an excuse.

I just read where you said you hear him huffing and puffing and swearing while your having a bath...I mean - that behaviour to me speaks volumes.

It's a difficult situation but even so he is behaving badly and making it worse.
Ultimately sex can result in a pregnancy and the woman can choose to continue with the pregnancy so any man who has sex must accept that sex could result in a child to whom he has at the very least financial obligations.

It's no surprise he's unhappy.

However his unhappiness is spreading on to you, and I think, the baby too.

So either he stays and you keep complaining, or you ask/tell him to leave.

The first is easy enough, the second would require strength and determination.

It's up to you not anyone on MN.

It's up to you not anyone on MN
OP is in a very tough situation has posted for and support and to help her think it through, imo it's unkind to be dismissive like this

Stay strong for your baby girl. Happy mummy, happy baby. I went through a similar situation. My ex already had 2 children from a previous and i was young and wanting children. He felt he had too and his family kept telling him he couldnt expect to be with a young girl and not have kids. We had a baby. He made every excuse to be out of the house, left me on my own alot, no money and not much help with the baby. I spent the next 6 years absolutely miserable. I kicked him out and started to get myself right. I think the damage was already done though. My child always resorts to being miserable now. I think in the long run it will be easier asking him to leave (not while youre going through a breakup) in the long run than having a fix a child and risk her turning into a broken adult.

This is horrible! Your priority is your baby now. Get him out of the house.

In reality he said he didn’t want a baby but decided to stay. All of this is now irrelevant. He is the father to a baby and really doesn’t want to be there.

But what is making it worse is the fact he doesn’t want tone there . You tell him he close to stay , he doesn’t leave .

Tell him to leave. Get him out the house . Baby may well be calmer. I walked on eggshells with my Ds when he was a baby for fear he would upset now exh. When we left . I had a much calmer happier baby.

Your priority now is what is the right thing primarily for you and baby.

Also when he leaves he is also liable for maintenance. Don’t think because he didn’t want baby he shouldn’t pay.

Sorry OP, sounds like he's checked out as he knew he didn't want this before. Unfortunately you can't fix him, it is what it is. He shouldn't be snapping/swearing/huffing around the baby, if I was you I would be worried to leave him alone with baby, even for 5 minutes. Such a sad post & heartbreaking to read x Let him go OP & enjoy your daughter, you sound as though you are doing it all on your own anyway.
Once he's gone it will be easier, it's having him around & him flaunting his unpleasant manner day in day out is just adding salt to the wound. Be strong OP & tell him to go & that you don't want yourself & baby to be around this negativity. Sending x x

Ask him to leave, so you can both have some space. I know you love your partner but feeling stressed all the time is not doing anyone any good. You are running yourself ragged trying to placate your partner while he acts out his frustration at being "harnessed". Let him go and see how things work out.

Make sure you check out any benefits such as single person council tax discount etc you might be able to get if money is tight.

Thanks for all the replies

Just to clear anything up as I wrote the OP while very upset..

I’m definitely not complaining about anything, just wanted advice
It was a condom we used that failed
Him saying he may have wanted children if the world wasn’t so messed up is definitely no excuse and I believe him fully as I often felt this way too
I do take full responsibility for what has happened, I honestly didn’t think I wanted children at all, I’ve never been keen but when I was actually in the situation, things felt differently, as with most things in life.
As I said I was upset when writing this so I did focus on all the bad and regret not mentioning that he can have amazing days. He is either an amazing dad or basically a dead beat.. if that’s the correct way to put it? Which is why it’s so tough, because he can be so so good with her.
People keep saying about me wanting the perfect happy family or whatever, I never expected this to be the case. I knew from the start it’d be hard, I expected from the start that I’d be doing it alone.
Sometimes it’s just that I need that hour a day to myself, which is all I need, nothing more really, as he does do everything else around the house. If my baby were a happy content baby, I feel things would be so different. But because she’s so clingy, colicky, high needs, it just makes things a little more tough

Grateful for all of the replies though — wanted to put a love heart but have to make do with flowers!