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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

are we living together

63 replies

Mumsy969 · 28/08/2019 16:52

My partner has stayed every night with me for the last four weeks. He has his own flat which he goes to when he finishes work to get cleaned up and changes,(he's a lorry driver). He brings round his work clothes for the next day but otherwise he leaves his clothes there and all his post goes there. We sleep in the same bed eat meals together and occasionally go out but he says we're not living together. Are we in a committed relationship or is he just using me. Thanks

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 28/08/2019 18:15

He's taking advantage of you...put a stop to it now.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 28/08/2019 18:15

So you are buying food and supplying him with his meals every night?

Yes he is using you. Tell him to go home.
Is there a reason you cant stay at his? Kids?

lovemenorca · 28/08/2019 18:16

When my husband and I first got together, he stayed with me almost constantly initially.

And my goodness - I wanted him to desperately.

Why? Because I was madly and hopelessly in love. We both were. And spending a night apart was tantamount to torture!

The fact you have asked and that you don’t seem that happy about it... would indicate that the above scenario is not shared in your case and actually perhaps this situation is it suiting you at all.

We can’t answer if he is taking the POSs or not. Only you can

C0untDucku1a · 28/08/2019 18:16

What does he tel you? What does he tell others?

And tbh it doesnt matter what he says to anyway. It is what he does that matters.

TheFlis12345 · 28/08/2019 18:17

After 3 just months he is expecting you to largely sub him but claims no actual commitment? Get rid, he has cocklodger written all over him!

funnylittlefloozie · 28/08/2019 18:18

Oh lovely, he is taking you for an absolute ride. He gets to live in your nice house, eat your food and have you in his bed... and he contributes nothing? Thats pathetic.

For comparison, my partner and I have been together 13 months. He stays here 3 or 4 nights most weeks, a couple of times he has stayed for a whole week. He has a work shirt in the wardrobe, and a toothbrush in the bathroom. He does not pay rent or utilities... but he buys the shopping, cooks, does housework, and makes me a coffee before he leaves for work in the morning.

THATS a partnership when you dont live together. Your boyfriend is a chancer. I cant believe you moved him in after 6 weeks... please tell me you dont have kids?

timshelthechoice · 28/08/2019 18:24

Three months in and he's already cocklodging but telling others you're not in a committed relationship or living together. Why is your opinion of yourself and your self-respect so low? Because you really need to figure this out before you even started dating. Why are you being such a passenger in your own life and handing all your power over to someone you barely know? He's a twat who's loafing. Occasional food shop and occasional going out whilst you're there being his maid, his cook, his sex partner, he's taking you for a mug because you are letting him.

Fuck suggesting you go to his or any of that.

He's had no problem showing you exactly who he is and what he wants.

Bin his arse.

Just text him. 'I've had enough of being your crash pad/bedwarmer/cook/maid. You used me. I let you. Scales have fallen now though. This isn't a relationship, it's parasitic. We're finished. Find someone else to sponge off. Bye' and block.

TeacupDrama · 28/08/2019 18:34

firstly before even getting to that are you sure the relationship is exclusive
secondly as your flat is yours and his flat is his, you pay your rent/ council tax he plays his ( or mortgage)
legally you are not living together as he has his own place and bills
to stop it being de facto limit it back
do you ever go to his place are you invited
does he introduce you as my girlfriend countduckula or does he not
if you were living together I would expect a discussion re at this stage help towards food and a contribution to the electricity and broadband netflix or whatever and at least a bit of help cooking doing dishes afterwards he is obviously still doing his own laundry
don't fall into living together without discussions obviously as its your flat you can kick him out tomorrow but don't fall into trap of him renting his place out and keeping the cash while you carry on footing the bills at your place
don't end up like another poster years down the line with kids and an impasse over whether to christen the child or not as there had never been any discussions at any stage obviously now is not really the time for discussing parenting methods or schools but it is the time to discuss whether he is moving in and also for you to make plain that if there was an accidental pregnancy would you or would you not take MAP or have an abortion etc etc

MashedSpud · 28/08/2019 19:10

Have you been to his house?

Maybe he has a wife or partner thinking he’s driving long distance?

Original poster
Mumsy969 · 28/08/2019 19:29

No he's divorced so no partner, we just live round the corner from each other so no long distance driving

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumsy969 · 28/08/2019 19:31

No I have never been to his flat but that's because his daughter and partner are staying there

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 28/08/2019 19:31

You're not living together.

Suggest you stay at his sometimes and let him cook and clean for you there.

Original poster
Mumsy969 · 28/08/2019 19:33

We don't have kids together but have children from past relationships

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 28/08/2019 19:33

So he's using your place so his dd and her partner live in his.
Tell him to go home op.

Oldbutstillgotit · 28/08/2019 19:39

Do you receive Benefits? If so they may be affected if he is staying so often .

Everafter1 · 28/08/2019 19:44

You're not living together, except from the fact he says so nothing is joint. It would seem the next logical step though as you're as good as living together.

Is he using you? That depends. Do you expect him to come to yours every day? Does he seem to take it for granted & expect you'll allow it or is it mutual?
Does he ever invite you to his?

Unless it's more one sided from him it could just be a pattern you've both settled into.

funnylittlefloozie · 28/08/2019 19:45

Sorry, i didnt mean do you have kids together. That would be quite an achievement given that you only got together in May! I meant, do you yourself have young children, and is he stopping over in the house with your young children?

How do you think he'd react if you asked him to pay half the bills?

TeacupDrama · 28/08/2019 19:58

so his daughter is allowed a partner in his flat but he can't take his own girlfriend back to his own flat I smell a huge huge rat!! you can't even go for dinner mmmmm something is wrong very wrong
I think you have drifted into this
certainly if you are on benefits it could affect it, but him staying over cooking together etc would suggest to DHSS that you were living as a couple, if this is not the guess and you are on benefits he needs to sleep at his own home at least 3 nights a week, obviously you can argue to DHSS if relevant that he has own flat own bills is paying council tax elsewhere and is on electoral register elsewhere he is at his own flat every day and you have no joint banking accounts or joint bills him being at his own place every day is a strong argument that you are not living together
you need to talk more and visit his home if only for dinner from what you say it is walking distance, because it maybe that his DD doesn't even really know you exist or if she does, she doesn't want a friend of her dad's there that is trouble ahead especially if her dad is acquiescing in this no sensible person would allow an adult child to dictate who and who they weren't allowed to bring to there own home

timshelthechoice · 28/08/2019 19:59

No I have never been to his flat but that's because his daughter and partner are staying there

Yeah, that's what he's telling you. And even if it's true, he's using you. Is there any particular reason you're allowing him to sponge off you like this whilst he's out there telling everyone you're not living together/in a committed relationship? Because that's utterly sad that you're putting up with this just 3 months in.

amazingtracy · 28/08/2019 20:01

Speaking as one single parent to another- you need start using your head!
You've only been seeing this guy what 4 months and he's staying over and around your kid???
And you don't even know if he's committed or not?
No doubt I'll get flamed for 'judging'. Smile
Regardless of the above, it doesn't matter what he says to you or his friends really- if you don't feel that he's committed then it's not good enough for you. Raise your expectations and for gods sake keep your love life away from yours kids until you know it's a serious relationship.

Original poster
Mumsy969 · 28/08/2019 20:13

I have a 13 yr old son who loves him to pieces and my bf has 5 over 18 I don't think he would pay towards everything as I believe he is in debt but trying to get out of it. We are happier than we have been in the past. I'm not on any benefits as I work full time. Yes I expect him to come to mine every day, it is mutual. All of his children do know about me and I have briefly met one.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 28/08/2019 20:20

I have a 13 yr old son who loves him to pieces

Oh, FFS, you've only been with him since MAY. Dear god, give your head a wobble! You are your own worst enemy. You know nothing about him, 'believe' he is in debt. He's a sponge but you seem quite happy to serve him, pay for him, keep him warm at night . . .

userxx · 28/08/2019 20:25

What the hell am I reading 😞

timshelthechoice · 28/08/2019 20:28

Exactly, user, hanging on to a leech who, just 3 months in, has shown her that he's interested in using her as a housewife/cook/sex for free and thinks there's some magical way to change him from being a freeloader.

adaline · 28/08/2019 20:28

You've only known him since May - why has he even MET your son?

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