I'm shy......and I want to do something about it. Anyone want to join me?

[LetsBeKind]

In childhood I recall being painfully shy. Hiding away in my bedroom when people came to visit. If a boy asked for a dance etc. An immediate no unless there was careful encouragement.

I feel like the shyness goes when I get to know someone and so I haven't suffered with friendship groups.

I've come a long way from my old self which I attribute to life experiences such as uni and work where I've had to make my way and speak up.

Now I'm in my 40s and I was recently away for a weekend with some new faces and one of them commented on how quiet I was. I honestly didn't think I was any different to anyone else there but it really got to me.

So I've decided to try and challenge myself with some tasks to gain a bit more confidence.

One of the things I realise I do is I don't make eye contact with people I don't know. So I'm making a point of doing this when paying at the till and boy it does not come naturally to me!

Anyone else feel a bit like me? What are your challenges?

I get this too. I do find it quite rude though when someone states how quiet you are. It is such a judge of character and you can't help it.

Personally I think it's better than being cocky!!

Practise mindfulness... it has helped me x

Autistic?

You are totally right @RJonezy. I'm not sure why people feel the need to comment. It does make me feel inferior. Yes mindfulness is another thing I need to practice 😁

@barryfromclareisfit are you suggesting all shy people are autistic?

I think that person was a bit of an arse. I like quiet people.

I was a very shy child, it surprises most people I know now as I'm very outgoing these days.

One thing I really struggle with now is talking to other adults who are really shy. I struggle to look them in the eye and constantly worry that I'm intimidating them. Does anyone else get this?

@LetsBeKind

Don’t be silly, dear.

I am autistic. OP’s experience resonates with me.

I have found that it helps to have some topics, phrases or similar that are almost universal to talk about, like the weather, for example.

Another tip someone told me was if you don't like direct eye contact look at the person's eyebrows instead.

I think it takes time and recognise when you feel more confident and practice then, and also accept that it's ok to be quiet - even in a world dominated by extrovert values and behaviour.

Being quiet is fine. I’ll bet the one who commented was one of those tedious “bubbly” eyes on meeee everybody halfwits? Empty vessels make the most noise, and all that...

Hi I’m not sure where you live but there are some meet ups for shy people.
It’s got in the way in my life but now I’m in my 50s I’ve started not to give a damn.

Have you considered just owning it? Reply "That's normal, don't worry!" to reassure them that you are not being quiet because something is wrong - as the only legitimate reason for them to mention it is if they are concerned about you. (Even if they are just a patronising person or someone who has to blurt out anything as soon as there's more than 2 seconds' silence, best thing is usually to respond as you would to a nice person?)

@Rainbowshine thanks. Having some topics ready is a good idea. I'm also trying to watch how the bubbly folk do it and learn a bit from others.

@HeadintheiClouds the commenter isn't one of kindest. You are correct there!

@ravenmum owning it is a great point! I have to get my sharp answer ready for next time!

I get told I am quiet and I think it's because I have a quiet voice rather than not talking a lot. I used to be very shy but now I am older I am bolder (and that rhymes 😊). I find it easier to be around gregarious chatty people.

I do think extroverts find quiet, more introvert characters to be like an alien species. I get that they are able to swan into social situations naturally and mingle with ease, so why can't they get that I may like some quiet and don't need to fill my entire day with other people's company and chatting?

I have in the past distanced myself from people who basically witter on incessantly about nothing. I have a certain amount of capacity for "chat" so family gatherings and suchlike I find really hard.

I have learnt to recognise when I'm reaching my capacity limit. I usually try to find a quiet spot or go and admire the garden, or hide in the loo!

I'm normally a fairly quiet person as in not loud but I am quite confident & can be very talkative with friends, colleagues & patients.

But on dates I get really shy! I can fake confidence to some extent but it's really hard.
I need to start online dating but to be honest I'm much better at dating men who i meet eg at work so I know them already.

If it helps us shy types I've noticed through body language etc that many men are nervous on dates too.

I'm also trying to watch how the bubbly folk do it and learn a bit from others

Do you find this works though. I've tried it, not in a weird way, repeating others, but more taking notice of comments/topics etc that are well received, amusing or spark discussion. But then when I bring it up another time, I just get looks like and no discussion.

I'm beginning to think if you don't have that charisma, you just don't have it and there's nothing you can do.

If you are convinced yourself that it is fine to be quiet, then any answer should just happen by itself.

As a teenager I could sometimes not speak at all; it was very awkward and I hated the attention that got, so that was a sore point for me for a long time. But like you I've learned to chat. When in good form I now have to make sure I let others talk too! (Never got any practise at that when young!) So the shyness has gone. But I am relatively introverted (don't have large numbers of friends, am very happy being alone), and that too draws attention from some people, who think I must be sad or something. So I've started actively saying that I like being alone, don't have a huge number of friends, and "that's how I am". I mention my dad, who's similar. Telling other people that has made me feel more confident about being that way.

How about you, are you usually still shy, as in anxious about talking? Or are you really just not a big talker, and is it just this comment that has made you feel anxious about it now? If you do still feel anxious - would you consider therapy to finish off the good work you've done over the years?

I saw a brilliant documentary about a famous comedian and getting over shyness. Might have been Greg Davies? Worth a watch if you can find it from my vague description

@tierraJ I'm similar to you. Quietly confident in most situations. I'm perfectly relaxed in small groups but larger groups I don't always do so well!

@1300cakes I haven't tried it yet. Just something I plan to try for now. I do believe you can improve social skills though even if you don't have 'charisma'.

winewolfhowls it was Rhod Gilbert - stand up to shyness. It was really good.

@ravenmum I'm not anxious about talking usually and I prefer to be with people than be alone. Large groups of new people I'm not great with. I find it difficult to edge into conversations between people that already know each other.

Ah well, try it @LetsBeKind and report back. Hopefully you ll get more and not like me.