I'm shy......and I want to do something about it. Anyone want to join me?

[LetsBeKind]

In childhood I recall being painfully shy. Hiding away in my bedroom when people came to visit. If a boy asked for a dance etc. An immediate no unless there was careful encouragement.

I feel like the shyness goes when I get to know someone and so I haven't suffered with friendship groups.

I've come a long way from my old self which I attribute to life experiences such as uni and work where I've had to make my way and speak up.

Now I'm in my 40s and I was recently away for a weekend with some new faces and one of them commented on how quiet I was. I honestly didn't think I was any different to anyone else there but it really got to me.

So I've decided to try and challenge myself with some tasks to gain a bit more confidence.

One of the things I realise I do is I don't make eye contact with people I don't know. So I'm making a point of doing this when paying at the till and boy it does not come naturally to me!

Anyone else feel a bit like me? What are your challenges?

@winewolfhowls @Ihaventgottimeforthis thanks I'll take a look at that

Ooh, thanks for the tip about the documentary, my son will like that.

Sounds like you've got yourself in a good place LetsbeKind, and this person has just made you question yourself. Still, challenging yourself is always good, right? For a while I was in an improv theatre group - we never went on stage or anything, just practised the techniques and did improv in front of each other. That was really good. Would you do anything like that?

@NotTonightJosepheen yes I think more acceptance that quiet is ok is a good thought for me. I think the comment just came out of nowhere for me and made me feel inadequate! I too have a mix of louder and quieter friends but they are all gentle types...so that's what I'm attracted to I guess! Very well described by you, thank you.

Op- I used to be like that and still am to a certain extent. But as I get older I realise I’m not going to change a great deal so I worked on accepting myself and not be intimidated by extroverts.

I practiced mindfulness a lot and that really really helped. I’ve also come across a few people that seemed very confident and chatty, however they were terrified before a work function, worried about what they would talk about if they found themselves sat next to someone they didn’t know well. That was a real eye opener.

Being quiet is absolutely fine, like someone suggested be ready with a few topics to talk about and remember that a lot of people feel like you do, but they are better at hiding it. If you remember this every time you feel shy, that in itself will put you at ease.

I was recently away for a weekend with some new faces and one of them commented on how quiet I was.

Please don’t let that make you feel self-conscious. I find people who say things like that are a bit clueless - I’m quite sure that no quiet person ever has felt more comfortable to speak after being told how quiet they are. If you want a ‘quiet’ person to talk more, just make normal conversation with them.

I’m shy too OP - and I’ve learned to just embrace that rather than feel like there’s something wrong with that, because there isn’t. And ironically since I started thinking this way, I’ve become a lot more confident. It’s ok to sit back, listen, make sense of your surroundings and the people in it before coming out of your shell. Some people are extoverts, some introverts and some a bit of both depending on the situation or just in between. They’re all valid ways to be.

I find people who say things like that are a bit clueless - I’m quite sure that no quiet person ever has felt more comfortable to speak after being told how quiet they are. If you want a ‘quiet’ person to talk more, just make normal conversation with them.
"A bit" 😂 but they can't help it, bless!

So was this a clueless extrovert, OP, do you think, or is there a tiny chance that they just meant "is everything OK, you seem a bit quiet?"

@ravenmum we were sitting around on sofas and she said "You're too quiet" and then laughed.

OK, case closed 😂

we were sitting around on sofas and she said "You're too quiet" and then laughed.

I’d laugh as well and say: you are too noisy!

@LetsBeKind it's very patronising!! Says more about them than of you. You sound like a lovely person.

Yes, it sounds patronising.

The only problem I have with being quiet is that louder people are often construed as being more capable in job interviews as they come across as being more confident. They are sometimes thought to be stronger as well which isn't always the case.

I’m a quiet person. Growing up being a quiet introvert used to really bother me. I’m 36 now and don’t care.

I chat and make conversation. Once in a while somebody I’ve just met might make the observation that I’m quiet and say so. I find it quite rude. But will now just openly talk about it to others. This is just my personality. Sometimes I chat, sometimes I sit back.

Another shy person here! 🙂 Going into a field of work that required me to speak to complete strangers every day and be friendly did help me a lot. I am friendly, happily able to socialise and make friends but am still very quiet, especially at work when I tend to really focus on things rather than chat to others. I do occasionally get the odd "You don't say much? / You're very quiet" , sometimes from people I've only just met, and it's so unbelievably rude. Why do people do that? How exactly do they expect you to react? It always feels like more of a criticism, and a humiliating one when done in front of a group of people, than a simple observation.

Anyone still around? I need to start networking and esp not bailing at events when the talk finishes. That's the target for this week.