Devastated by husband's betrayal!

[foxalina]

10 months ago h left to move in with a woman 12 years my junior and her child (is it his?). I gave him 20 years of my life and 2 children and this is how he repays me! Told me "it would not have happened if the marriage had been stronger" and he knows he is still a decent person! I had no idea anything was really wrong, just thought going through a bad patch after I had PND and a large extension done to the house. Always wife is the last to know and the signs where there I just did not see them. He has now turned aggressive and abusive towards me, his family has turned against me and I am being accused of things I have not done! Cry all the time and decree nisi comes through this week. I feel devastated, fear the future and do not know how to get the strength to get on with my life. I loved him so much. Any advice out there?

thats awful, i'm someone on here will have advice, many wise people on here who have come out the other side

I haven't been through this personally but wanted to offer my support (not many folks on MN after midnight usually)

It is very hard to move on when you feel like you don't have closure. You feel wronged because you're being accused of things by his family and you probably realise how pointless it would be to try to get them to see your point of view as he has obviously brainwashed them in order to justify his cheating on you.

I think you need to be really kind to yourself and consider getting some advice from your GP. He may suggest a low dose antidepressant (nothing to fear, you can come off them after a few months when you feel like you're coping better) or some counselling, which he can arrange for you.

Are you getting support from your family and friends? Some people think that after a certain time we should be "over" traumatic events, but it's still very new or you, and obviously very painful. In some ways when a partner leaves you for someone else it's worse than a bereavement, because although it turns your world upside down they're still there and they betrayed you.

You do have the strength to get on with your life, but you need to give yourself time. It wasn't your fault you had PND, and it was no excuse for him to go running to another woman (he took a vow to stick with you in sickness and in health) so don't take responsibility for it. He did it because he is a shit. Let the anger carry you through this patch until one day you realise you don't care any more.

Perhpas once your decree nisi comes through you can try to have a fresh start, perhaps a new haircut or a new excercise regime to make yourself feel better, and put him out of your mind as much as possible (wear an elastic band around your wrist and snap it when he enters your mind!)

This will get easier. You just need to take each day at a time, as the old cliche goes.

he is bein like it to make himself feel better keep ya head held high

Bump for you

I feel there is so much good advice out there and didn't want to read this and not post

Take good care of yourself. Things will get better

xx

So sorry this is has happened. I don't have any experience of this myself but my father did this to my mother after a very long marriage and I remember watching her go through what you're going through. I also remember being an only child and then having a half sibling almost immediately.

My father also became more aggressive and defensive - even to this day - he does it as he's trying to convince himself that he did right and we should all be grateful!

Don't let your ex make you feel bad and demand that he respect the mother of his two children and the two children.

You've been through a lot and I'm sure when the divorce is finalised you'll feel initially feel worse but then slowly slowly you'll feel better. Focus on feeling good about yourself. My mum just came to a full stop and couldn't imagine a future without him but slowly (it does take time) things have improved and I can honestly say she's in a much better place now than she was with him in retrospect. I wish the best for you too.

You need counselling. Maybe you can get it on the NHS but if you have to pay for it, then it will be money well spent.

What you need to do is not balme yourself. Any marriage is always 50/50 - so even if you did not do the right thing all the time, neither did he. In your cse I'd say he was more to blame, as he didn't give you the chance to put things right if he felt unhappy.

Although you did love him, you need to ask if you are right to carry on feeling like that when he treated you so badly. Why carry on loving a loser?

I haven't been in your situation, but I was jilted at 20 and thought my whole life was over. He was my best friend and due to be my husband. But he wasn't "ready". I know that's not the same as your 20 years, but I felt I had no future. However, time does help.

Just take one day at a time- and believe that you deserve someone better.

Thanks for all your advice. It is great at long last to be able to speak to people about this. My friends and sister have been great really supportive, but like one of you said, people do expect you to get over something like this after a period of time. I have had counselling but it did not seem much help, I am not sure about asking for antidepressiants as h said that if I had gone on them when I had PND this would not have happened! Like the idea about the elastic band on the wrist thought though. Cried myself to sleep last night, but decided to be more positive this morning and sort out his stuff he has not taken, something I have not been about to do before. Just feel so lonely as if I will never be loved again and afraid I will never trust again. Self-esteem really low.

Foxalina, you sound like a good mother and a nice person. You deserve to be loved, and you will find love again if that's what you want, but I think for now you need to take some time to restore your confidence in yourself and get over this before you think about getting into another relationship.

I'm glad you have people around you who are supportive, but even the most caring people can find it hard to listen to the things people need to say (and repeat possibly many times) in order to get over this kind of betrayal. You were with him 20 years, you know him possibly better than your own parents, it was bound to be a major shock and it isn't something you can just get over in a couple of months, you'd have to be a shallow person to be able to do that.

I really recommend you use the samaritans for when you feel down and need to talk but you feel like family/friends need a rest from hearing the same story. I've used them many times myself, you don't need to be a drastic case to call. Sometimes a stranger can put a different slant on things and help you look at things more objectively. Most times just being able to speak freely (as many times as you need to) can be so cleansing, and allows you to get on with your day.

Obviously, keep talking on MN too!

As for the antidepressants, obviously it's entirely up to you, not everyone wants to go down the drugs route, but all I wanted to say was don't let his past opinion on your "what you should have done about your PND" influence your chance to feel better now. After all, his solution was to bugger off with someone else so his opinion no longer matters.

I have thought about the antidepressant route and would be interested to hear from anyone who has found these help. I could do with something to make the little things he says or does not matter anymore.

I wish his opinion did not mean anything to me, but I am frustrated with myself that it still does! I do not understand my own feelings when he shakes/pushes me and reverses his car into me (in front of the kids)that I do not truely hate him - my anger seems to be vented at "her". Probably because she was married but had to have my husband!

Mumsville, I would be interested to hear how old you were when this happened to your mum, as I am really worried about my daughter and how it is affecting her.

fox

I was in my early 20s (so I could help her) and this was 15 years ago!

I'm concerned that your ex is so physically hateful to you. He sounds a awful.

My mum took a long time to get over things. 10 months is no time at all. Many days she could rarely get out of bed. Yes it had a huge impact on me BUT it did take a huge change in attitude from her to slowly turn her life around. My main recollection at the time was that I felt sad that my love didn't seem enough for her and she positively pined after him even after all he'd done.

Only you can decide if you need ads but tbh if you can stay clear headed and focussed all the better. Decree nisi is the first stage isn't it? While you are focussing the hatred on the woman you are distracting yourself from ensuring that you and your kids get the best deal possible. This is important. Ignore his family for the timebeing. Do not tolerate his behaviour and report this to your lawyer.

I very much felt that dad was being horrible to mum to somehow justify what he did (sounds wierd) also by harrassing her (which he did) it almost tipped her over the edge and in his divorce petition he kept citing that she was mad (very common from husbands to wives). He divorced her for marriage breakdown, it emerged that he had a lover during the divorce so mum countersued him. He also fathered a child during this time. This is somewhat irrelevant to you but my point is this - find out if the child is his - ensure that you get a good deal. He might be trying to wear you down so you go along with what he wants.

If you can't be positive (which must be so hard) PLEASE DON'T GIVE YOURSELF A HARD TIME. TAKE TIME TO GET OVER WHAT HAS HAPPENED. TELL HIS FAMILY TO PISS OFF, IF NEED BE. DO NOT BE BULLIED. DO NOT BE INSULTED. Please before you go to sleep remind yourself that you are a lovely person with I'm sure beautiful children. you are a success. He's f**cked up badly. Shame on him.

And fox

Please eat well. This is important.

Fox, I have taken antidepressants three times, just the lowest dose of prozac (fluoxetine) for different bouts of depression due to my Mum being terminally ill and then after losing her.

One thing I can tell you is that his opinion will matter less when you are on AD's. They aren't a miracle cure-all, and I daresay someone will be along to tell you the reasons why they're not a good idea for some people/situations, (Worth noting that some brands of AD's make people react badly/aggressively, but they can change your prescription if you found that happening) but to tell you a bit about my experiences on them:

After about two weeks (possibly slightly less) I began to feel like I was coping more, crying less. You don't suddenly feel "happy" but they put you on an even keel. What people generally say is that they don't feel extremes of any emotion whilst on them, so you don't feel ecstatic, but you also don't feel sad. But if you have been in the depths of despair then feeling calm and neutral shouldn't be something to worry about.

After four or five months of using them I generally found conditions had improved and I was coping well enough to stop them. I just stopped them which isn't advisable, but didn't find any side effects from it. During use the only side effect I didn't like was my lack of sex drive as I had a new relationship, but even that wasn't too awful, as it meant I got a lot of work done!

I would have a talk with your doctor and just see what they advise, they may suggest better alternatives which could suit your circumstances better.

I would advocate NOT using ADs. I work as a life coach and many of my clients come to me already on ADs. We work very hard to get them off, as they don't help long term. The thing that works is taking action and working really hard at building up your self esteem.

it doesn't happen by itself, just by wanting it. You have to work at it, as if you are learning to play a sport or an instrument- daily practise.

I like the example of the elastic band- it's one I use with clients- substitute a hair band if you want it to be less noticeable to other people.

You have to learn to ZAP the thoughts about him and replace them with a positive thought "I am worthy of love" "I will find love again" "I am a good mother" etc etc. My clients put thoughts like these on post its aroound the house and it works. I also suggest you write a positive diary every night and include everything- even getting up, taking the kids out, cooking a nice meal, then look back after a few days and see that you are making progress.

I wouldn't dismiss counselling - I know you have tried it, but it might have just been that counsellor- they are all different. One of my clients has gone back into counselling 4 years after her divorce as she still felt anger and unhappiness - and she says it is helping.

All ADS do id numb the edges of your emotions. One day you have to face up to them, so think very hard about resorting to them. If someone is clincially depressed and can't function, that's one thing, but coping with grief after a relationships another.

What you are feeling is 100% normal- and you will come out the other side- but you need to be kind to yourself and accept that you'll fee like this.

Mumsville

I think you are right and he is trying to wear me down to get what he wants. Unfortunately it seems to be working! I have tried standing up to him and told my solicitor everything he is doing, but it does not seem to make any different, he just gets worse and retaliates. He is messing me around with the kids contact arrangements always bringing them back late and demanding them more and more and if I refuse gets agressive. He also put an affidavit into court that I "had lost my mind" and being unreasonable to him! Accusing me of taking our 3 year old son for a important hospital appointment without telling him, when I did and it was only a routine blood test. He made me out to be a very bad mother. Luckily the court dismissed everything he said so hopefully I will feel stronger to stand up for them now.

I used to think I was a strong person, but everyone is saying they could see I was weak in the marriage letting him walk all over me (even my parents are saying this now), but I never thought I was. However, now it has affected me and I believe I am a weak person and it has made me lose my confidence to stand up to him!

I have tried to be positive and trying to find a job, but although I go for interviews I have not got anything. I feel I need a job as I have not worked for about 5 years as I have a 3 and 9 year old. But solicitor has told me not to at moment! I seem to go one step forward and 20 back.

H put the house on market and I was told court would make me move which is making my stress levels even worse. House been on market for 3 months and he wants to reduce by £20,000 to sell quickly. If I reduce to low will not get a house near where I am to keep kids in their schools and stay with their friends.

I did not eat well at first went down from size 16 to size 10, now going to gym and trying to eat better. Had dramatic hairstyle change and new clothes, but nothing seems to makes me more positive.

I think I will try the positive diary. I was told to write a "diary of events" by solicitor of what is happening with him, but this was negative and made me feel worse, it was really draining so I stopped. I must try to remember the good things I have done, even if little, like getting out of bed.

Finding it hard to be cheerful round kids and I know this is affecting them, but feel so numb inside I do not seem to have the strength to return their love. I am just functioning day to day doing what has to be done and it is annoying me, I want to live again and be able to put a smile back on my face!

I really feel for you. Can you talk to your GP and see what he/she advises? That would be a first step. Stay strong. xx

Foxalina

Try not to see yourself as a victim, but as a strong woman who has rights. he cannot FORCE you to lower the price of your house if it is joint names. Make a stand. Instruct your lawyer to write to him. Don't just give in.

You have to learn to develop a thicker skin and not let him get away with anything and everything. Shout at him, get angry- don't allow him to bully you! vent your anger at him- he behaves like this because he is a bully. If necessary, practise your responses to him before you see him. If he is threatening you with volence- verbal as well as physical- tell your lawyer. They need to know he is intimidating you.

I notice you haven't commented on my suggestions in your reply- is that because you feel they won't work? Or because I have struck a chord,and you find it hard to start making an effort? Believe me, they do.

As for getting a job, then maybe you need to work on your interview techniques. I'd recommend buying some books on self-esteem and assertiveness. But why are you doing what the solicitor "told you to do"! If it's better for your settlement not to work, that's one thing, but you need to be clear why he thinks you shouldn't work.If you aren't ready for work, why not volunteer? Look at www.do-it.org and you'll find what's on in your area. You'll meet other people and it will help take your mind of things- and give you confidence.

Because I work as a coach, people think I am unsympathetic. I am not. Absolutely not. But to feel better you have to take action - not just dwell on what has and is happening.

If you want the name of a coach who deals exclusively with divorce and settlements etc having been through ither self, I can email you the name- or leave it here, if I am allowed to do that.

Apologies! You have now responded to my positive diary suggestion!

Foxalina,it is 20 years today since I married my ex-husband.We only had a short marriage,3 years,during which he had 3 affairs and physically and emotionally bullied me.I was only in my early twenties when we split up but I felt as if my life was over and I could not see a future for myself and our daughter.I think you grieve for the future that is taken away from you.
However,i did get over it,within a year I felt able to have another relationship and then met my husband and remarried 12 years ago.
The best thing that my ex did was leave me.You too will feel the same.You are well rid of this manipulating bully.
You are worth more than him and you will have a far happier life without him.This other woman is welcome to him!
Best wishes.

Foxalina
If you want to take a look at the website it is
www.divorcecoach.co.uk

I am not linked with Kirsten in any way - our pathsj ust crossed at one point.

Grrr! I wish we could edit our posts- it's
www.divorcecoaching.co.uk

I wonder if life coaching would help to make me feel more positive. Could you tell me a bit more about it.

I was feeling a bit more positive this morning,had made arrangements to go out with friends, but they have all just let me down on the day I need them! Decree Nisi today. One more step back again

Foxalina
Of course- I can either email you or post here. I can't do either until 10 am today as I am just about to work with a client- actually a divorcee in her late 50s. I WILL post again soon.

If your solicitor says don't work now - dont.

Do not let him lower the price - I reckon he's under financial pressure with new partner. Part of his aggression is that he's probably not coping.

You're unlikely to find a job anyhow while you are feeling so low.

Yep, my mum lost so much weight I ended up cooking her meals to get her healthy again. You are doing all the right things you are greiving and you are entitled to.

Yep, and the 'mad' thing. My h has accused me of that on the odd occasions.

He's being a complete w**ker. Why should your children have their education disrupted? Your solicitor may wish to ask why he needs such a quick sale.

You just hang on in there. When it is all over you ensure that he gets contact and that he sticks to the rules. Can't imagine what your kids are feeling.

Foxalina

Coaching is about helping you to put some structure into your life as well as working with you on issues that affect you- such as lack of confidence,low self-esteem and so on.
It's not therapy, but is very practical and we use lots of techniques based on psychology and NLP. My clients have a session once a week or once a fortnight- we decide what they want to work on, I teach them how to do it, and we follow it all through at each session. They keep a record of their progress, including what works for them what hasn't worked and so on. I must emphasise that it is client led- in other words, I don't make decsions for them or tell them what to do- but I do suggest things and get them to talk through beliefs that may be limiting.

For example, I have been working with someone recently who was too embarrassed to do something- when I asked her to explain why etc she said "It's illogical, isn't it?" and she saw for herself that she was being held back by purely negative, illogical thoughts that didn't actually make any sense when we discussed them.

People also have a misunderstanding of how to change behaviour. A common one is "I will wait until I feel confident, then I'll do it." Psycholgists have shown that you have to 1. have the thought, 2. carry out the action, 3. feel the emotion (in this case, confidence).4. make that emotion permanent (feeling confident.)

It does work- I thought hard about re-training as a counsellor after many years in education, but chose coaching as it is about seeing results.