Devastated by husband's betrayal!

[foxalina]

10 months ago h left to move in with a woman 12 years my junior and her child (is it his?). I gave him 20 years of my life and 2 children and this is how he repays me! Told me "it would not have happened if the marriage had been stronger" and he knows he is still a decent person! I had no idea anything was really wrong, just thought going through a bad patch after I had PND and a large extension done to the house. Always wife is the last to know and the signs where there I just did not see them. He has now turned aggressive and abusive towards me, his family has turned against me and I am being accused of things I have not done! Cry all the time and decree nisi comes through this week. I feel devastated, fear the future and do not know how to get the strength to get on with my life. I loved him so much. Any advice out there?

Thanks for the info. I have got to go out now, will come back on tonight.

Decree Nisi pronounced today. I have been strong and not cried at all!

Soon to be exh has been a right bd though. Phoning every 20 minutes to get house reduced. Agreed to drop by £5,000 and texted him such. Had nothing but abusive texts back saying I am playing games and not being decent in this situation! That he is instructing his solicitor to withdraw his settlement proposals and will only let me have 50% and not enough to buy a house. Looks like he does not want his kids to have a roof over their heads. Funny thing is though his proposals (which I rejected) was offering me and kids less than this in the first place! Friend saw text and said he was abusive and a bully.

When I asked him kindly to ensure kids back on time when he has contact (and not 2 hours late!)said it was because I was being unfair to him!!!

georgiegirl2
Thanks for info on life counselling. Sounds as though it may help so am going to look at local contact.

He's a tosser who is trying to avoid facing his guilt by lashing out and pretending you are the one at fault. And he's clearly happy to use your children to get at you. Pathetic.

Remind yourself HE is the one at fault here and you are not going to let his stupid games hurt you any more.

I am trying to not let his games get at me, but it hurts so much that he is only thinking of himself and not about the children. Some days I feel very strong and think I can stand up to him, but as soon as the phone goes or I have to see him, I go to pieces, probably because I am now scared as to how he will "attack" me today - verbally or physically.

Just as I think I am getting better - like today - I then have about 3 days of feeling like I cannot cope. I just cannot believe I was with this person for 20 years and never saw this side of him!

he's up to something. why would he want to reduce the house price for a quick sale.

Also as yoyu've been in a very long marriage I would have thought that you'd get much much more than 50%????

Remind him that your children need to be fed, clothed, housed and educated - preferably where they are now.

Try to focus your hatred in gettin the better of him. Once divorce over don't even give him a second thought.

He has always thought about money first before anything else and I think he is scared he is not going to have the lifestyle he had. Well why should he. He has children to think of. I am definately fighting now for more out of the settlement. I think today has made me realise that I am really sick of him now and know that I do deserve better. I just hate the hassal and hurt he is still trying to inflict upon me and am annoyed at myself for not being able to stand up to him more.

He does not seem to care about his children's financial needs and is querying everything I ask for for the children. If it was just me to consider I would not care, but he gave his children a nice lifestyle and now just tells me to go on benefits so he does not have to pay!! He even buys toys for her child in front of mine and refuses to buy them anything when they ask!

I do think he is issuing empty threats and hope his solicitor sees through him and tells him to grow up. At the moment she does not and I have been told that she is very aggressive when she writes to mine which is unusual!

Fox that's the spirit.

I'm very suspicious about the lowering price. Perhaps he's under pressure in new place.

Why would he want to lose out financially? If he insists on lowering it say fine - but it comes out of your portion.

Who does he think he is? You have to clean up to ensure that viewers like the house. I doubt you'll get any help in the actual move and findig a suitable place for his kids to live. You have to ensure that kids are healthy and happy and, I'm sure, to some extent, compensate for fact that he's not there. You'll get all the hassle so why should you jump to his tune and lose out financialy as he's in a hurry.

Yep, your lawyer is there for a reason - don't be bullied. (my dad's lawyer was also heavy handed - I think this is normal and jus a way to push things through).

You sound much better today and I'm pleased you've got mates to talk to.

I'm suspicious too. He keeps saying reducing the price does not affect me, but he wants a charge put on my new property which has to be paid back when youngest 18, so does affect me. Trying everything to get rid of charge, but solicitors seem to think there is no way round this!

Your right I will get no help packing house up or looking for new home. Every place I may be interested in he has seen on internet and critises, but I'm the one to have to live there. One I looked at was so small I could not get my son's bed in bedroom, he told me I was just being difficult about finding a place!

My youngest is really misbehaving at moment and I think it is reaction. He has started pinching, kicking and screaming all the time. Tried to talk to his dad about this and he says I am just saying it for revenge.

heloo fox, i just wanted to say that i feel for you, and have been going thru the same, so i know how devastating it is, fromthe person you trusted most inthe world.

I have posted quite a few times in lone parents, and you might want to have a lok on there to see that for some reason, the men have alllost it, and treat their ex's very crappily.

I am on anti's and they keep me in a straight line. I wil read the whole of this thread 2morro. i know its hard, i truly do, its such a blow.
my ex undermines me all the time, and I'm like 'wtf, you have what u want why do you try and control me still'. he's a bully these days.

thinking of you.x

Pirategirl
Sorry to hear your going through the same. It's hell isn't it. How long has it been going on for you?

since beginning of 2005. He just seems to get worse.

will catchup with you later, or of you want to email me please feel free, we can compare and share!!

Did stupid thing today which i think may come back to haunt me.

Solicitor told me I must reduce house to move things forward. Was upset as I feel he is probably celebrating because he has won and is going to gloat.

His firm is selling our house, they called when I was at a very low moment crying, said somethings to a girl in office about how he is behaving to me - violence a bully etc - burst into tears again. Worried this will get back to him as his new P worked for the same company so probably knows this girl and he told work he had had an affair because "I was unbearable and a nutcase" when he left. If he hears it is only going to make him more aggressive. My emotions are at the limit now - I feel totally over wealmed at moment. Yesterday was such a good day by comparison.

On a positive note! my 3 year old swam with his armbands for the first time. Swam nearly a width!

Why is the firm selling the house?

Also, is the charge you mentioned the costs of the legal case?

Foxy - these things happen I remember my mother picked up a call from my boss - she thought it was a counselling service and just let rip! I was mortified. My boss was very understanding!

Can he honestly bully you any more?

Is there anyone truly fighting your corner.

I want to bump this as I'm sure there are mumsnetters who could tell you what kind of settlement you should be getting after a long long marriage. Is it really a smaller house but with a charge on it (don't understand what the charge is for and who it's payable to). That he can force youto sell it at a lower price to get things moving a long. Surely it's not your fault it's not selling? He can't say your delaying things - it's the lack of buyer delaying things.

Anyone out there can help?

In my exp and some friends exp when they have done the dirty they always spread lies about you to make them look less bad. I know its really tough at mo but you will get through this and wonder what you saw in him. Being with him 20yrs u probably feel u have spent your whole life with him and prob cant remember yr life b4 him. It took me quite along time to get to know me again and remember the fun that being single can give. It might not seem like goog advice at the mo but I think trying to find yrself and things you enjoy can really help get yr confidence back that men seem so good at knocking out of us. Hope you ok, take care.

He is an estate agent so the costs are less because of staff discount. Thought this was a good idea initally not so sure now.

Charge is where he effectively lends me an amount of his share of settlement in order that I can buy a smaller property. On the deeds he will have a percentage interest and the house must be sold when youngest 18 or I remarry and that percentage paid to him on sell of what the house is worth at time. I am trying everything to get a property without charge, but after seeing 3 different solicitors I have not found a way round this yet!

Do feel a little that everyone is on his side, surely he should pay for what he has done. I think this is why I am so stressed, I want him out of my life for good now with no hold over me or my property in future.

What does "bump" mean? I'm new to this chatting online.

bumping means putting it to the top of the list - so other mnetters will see it!

So, he's an estate agent is he? I really think your settlement should entail you being able to buy a small house from YOUR share. In my view if this charge happens he's effectively not paying maintenance as you hve to pay back this 'charge' on your house. What a great guy.Giving with one hand and taking with the other.

Right - I've had a think. You've gone along with stuff to date as you see no other optoin. Were you a stay at home mum? If so, you're cleraly doing your best to find work to help support yourself and kids (don't do until your solicitor tells you). You're taking your kids swimming. You're selling the house for him to 'move things along'. How lovely.

What's he doing? Getting stressed and nasty.

Ensure you get a best deal you can. I think it's awful he can leave you yet have control of your life (ie paying back money if you get a partner).

Think about yourself and your children. They will grow up to dispise him.

My dad also met his current wife at work and orange is so right about the lies they tell in desperation. Listen - do you give a shit if people think you are mad and difficult? You shouldn't . Those who love you know the truth. Look after yourself. Find happiness in the person you are rather than what you had with him.

Orange
Your right I don't remember my life b4 him. I had just left school when we met.
Why do men think they can do what they like and still hurt and blame us for their wrong doing. We love them, support and care for them, give them children and they just hurt and bully us in return.

I'm sorry you are going through this, Foxalina, and I hope that you find a man worthy of you in the future. Men are not all as you describe. x

Fox

I've just seen your other thread. Listen to their advice as I really feel that a charge could be storing up problems for you later on and I honestly think it defeats the object of him paying any contribution to your children as you'll end up paying back a lump sum. Imagaine, when youngest is 18 you have to sell and buy a small flat - room enough for your two grown kids - why the assumptoin that they won't want to live with you post 18.

Very much liking the post re. all thejoint assets and trading off.

I agree it is going to be trouble for me in the future, but after speaking to solicitor about trade off things (his expensive car, keeping his pensions and other assets etcs) told I will still need a small charge!

It is the bit about having to move to an ever smaller property when youngest 18 and he can then pay off mortgage or buy a bigger house really upsets me off. I'm going to be like a savings plan for him - maintaining the goods - for his benefit.

Really bad day today, really could not lift my mood. Went out with friends but was really miserable - do not know how they are sticking with me.

Friends stayed when he came to pick up kids so that he could not bully me which was a help.

Yep, this needs to be conveyed toyour solicitor.

Glad your mates are around.

Know you feel bad - your friends are around as they are your friends!!!!

Try not to think interms of what mood you're in. Just think of the things you need to get through of a day.

Thinking of you.

why don't you stay where you are until the youngest is 18, are you really so overaccommodated that you have to move somewhere else? If you're not going to be free of a charge in a smaller property you should argue to stay put instead?