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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have you ever walked away from a lovely man?

45 replies

FloatingObject · 28/08/2019 05:44

Just that really. I have a thread (think it's called 'what should I do?') that gives a but of back story, but basically I was wondering if anyone can share their experience of leaving a partner who was great, on the basis that your visions of life don't match and it's not going to work :-(

I'm just worried that I'd be throwing away the potential to have a safe, loving relationship in exchange for the unknown and possibly a more depressing situation. I'm in my thirties, it was different in my twenties. I read so many stories on here of absolutely shit men. I just don't know.

OP posts:

Jesaminecollins · 28/08/2019 05:49

You only have one life and if you are not happy with this man leave now and spare yourself years of misery. I am now speaking from personal experience because it is now too late for me.

Pinkpercy · 28/08/2019 05:50

I was in a similar boat. Broke up with him yesterday so it’s still very raw. For the last few months though I just keep questioning whether it was right. So much was wrong even though he was a lovely person. I think if you’ve found your perfect partner you shouldn’t be questioning whether it’s right, it should just be so natural.
I maybe wrong and living in a fantasy land but that’s what I hope for! I’m mid 30s so also feel I can’t waste time.

RebeccaRae · 28/08/2019 06:05

I did - a lovely, lovely boyfriend who was very kind, caring, respectful, thoughtful etc. Nothing wrong with him at all, he was wonderful. But I knew it wasn't the right relationship for me (or for him). We just didn't have that connection that meant we could go the distance. When I met my husband, I felt what I had been missing with my ex.

I was much younger then, which made it easier to be brave. But even now it would be the right thing to do. Don't stay in a relationship that isn't right out of fear that you won't find better. It's no way to live.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 28/08/2019 06:11

You find him lovely but you arent in love. Is this the problem?

Original poster

FloatingObject · 28/08/2019 06:24

Shooturlocalmethdealer
I do love him, it's that if I want to stay with him, I have to lead a life that isn't what I would want. I want to travel, make plans, live in a city, go out. He wants to see his friends and take it easy living in the countryside. I've been trying to instigate change and stuff for over 2 years now, and now I'm beginning to see that it's either fit into this life or leave. I'm not going to change him.

OP posts:

Original poster

FloatingObject · 28/08/2019 06:25

Pinkpercy

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. What felt wrong if you dont mind me asking?

OP posts:

HimHerWhatever · 28/08/2019 06:27

Yes, he was lovely and I wanted it to work but I wasn't sexually attracted to him at all

joystir59 · 28/08/2019 06:35

Leave him. Pursue the life you need to live. Be true to yourself.

Bigmango · 28/08/2019 06:46

I read somewhere that the most successful relationships all have in common that the partners have shared goals. This seems what you seem to fundamentally be missing. You don’t actually want to live your lives in the same way. For me, the things that we enjoy doing together (eating out, travelling) create the glue that keeps us going through all the mundane day to day parenting/working malarkey. I think you have a very valid reason for ending the relationship. Doesn't mean it’s not going to be sad though...

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/08/2019 06:57

When I was young I split up with several lovely men because they weren't right for me. You don't want to settle for safe. How cruel would that be to your DP?

Eventually I met the right man. It's a whole different experience. You'll know when you meet him.

user1474894224 · 28/08/2019 06:59

I did. He was lovely. Wanted to settle down. But had no omph to him. In my opinion he needed mothering and I didn't want to mother my partner. So I lost respect for him. He very quickly met and settled for/with the next woman that came along. He was very kind and generous. Just a push over as he was so 'biddable'. We weren't good together. My partner now is much better for me. It was hard as I was then single for a while and he was settled. So I did think a few times, what have I done. But it was for the best. (Funnily enough his mum never really took to me - I think she could see the issues.) His girlfriend before and after me were both quite a bit older than me and him....so I guess he found someone to mother him! Don't stay with someone who isn't right for you. As another poster said shared values are so important. You both need to want the same things. (My partner and I are not carbon copies of each other and do lots separately but fundamentally we share aspirations and want the same for our kids.)

category12 · 28/08/2019 07:06

It's not fair on the man involved to stay in the relationship. Especially if you're constantly trying to change him into someone he isn't. He deserves better.

Jesaminecollins · 28/08/2019 07:10

I wasn't being honest when I said he is a lovely man because he isnot nice he is very abusive and controlling and because he has money he controls everything I do - you need to leave before you become me

Original poster

FloatingObject · 28/08/2019 07:17

Jesaminecollins
That's horrible. It's not too late you know. It really isn't.

category12
I don't think it's always a bad thing to spur someone on to change. For example he was unemployed for 4 years when I met him and now he runs his own small business. But we have talked about this and he has said that it makes him feel on edge sometimes because he's always wondering when I'll be getting itchy feet and wanting to move/start a project or something and it stresses him out. I get that that must be stressful for someone. On the other hand, way I see it, it's me who's been doing all the compromising in where we live (close to his family and friends) and how for the past 3 years, and that's really not fair either. I guess in relationships like this someone is always going to be losing out - and that's no good...

OP posts:

Madhatterhouse · 28/08/2019 07:59

Yep. Was with someone who was much (much) older than me, he didn’t want any more kids. I didn’t have any and did want them. I was madly in love with him but I ended it and thought I’d never properly gotten over it. Saw him again a few times as friends recently, 9 years after we broke up. I realised I am so much happier now than I was then. I used to try to fit myself around his life and family. Lovely as he was, he was selfish and inflexible. Am now married to the most incredible man, we’ve been together 5 years and these have been the best years of my life. Don’t settle OP.

OhHimAgain · 28/08/2019 08:25

I don't think it's always a bad thing to spur someone on to change. For example he was unemployed for 4 years when I met him and now he runs his own small business

This is true. But this falls under supporting each other to keep on developing and growing as people.

In respect of everything else, he'd have to fundamentally change who he is as a person. And he feels as strongly about doing that to lead the life you want to live as you feel about ignoring your goals to lead the life he wants to live.

Porpoises · 28/08/2019 09:17

I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to live in the countryside close to family and friends, and have a simple life. Equally there's nothing wrong with living an active city life. If neither of you wants to adopt the other lifestyle then you're not compatible, sadly.

category12 · 28/08/2019 09:21

You have to compromise too much to be with him, and he feels the scratching of your dissatisfaction/need for more. That won't get better with time, it'll get worse.

Goodnightjude1 · 28/08/2019 09:31

I did. We were together for 10 years, married for 7.
He was/is lovely. He’s loyal, hardworking, kind, patient, caring...etc etc.
But....I was bored. Life was just plodding along. I did my thing, he did his. He never objected to me going out, spending time with friends etc and after a while I realised I was happier doing that, than being home with him.
We are still mates now, I’ll help him out if I can and he’d help me but I’m so much happier with my life now. My DP is my best friend and we do everything together, love the same things, laugh at the same things and I now have the spontaneity in my relationship that I always wanted.

My exh is a great guy. Just not MY great guy.

FajitasForTea · 28/08/2019 09:32

He sounds like my husband. I worship the ground he walks on, and I am thankful every day that I married him, but he suits me- I can see how that sort of man would drive a woman like you demented.

HollowTalk · 28/08/2019 09:34

Always like the best life ever can, so that means walk away now. There's no compromise possible and never just accept what he wants if that means giving up your dreams.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/08/2019 10:21

I have walked away from several. They were probably lovely men for other women, but they brought out the worst in me (and the reverse).

My DC's father is now in a great relationship with a woman a lot stronger than me (who actually tells it like it is and doesn't let him get away with shirking household tasks like I did, until the resentment finally got to me).

I've just split up with a man who is kind and will make someone a wonderful partner if they like beige food and have no interests outside the home. That's not me, but it will be someone.

Original poster

FloatingObject · 28/08/2019 10:54

Goodnightjude1
Oh my God... You have just described my relationship. He's like, "but every week it's a different idea". And I'm like, that's because I'm just throwing things out there, waiting for him to pick one, any one, that we can go for. I don't want life to just plod along. I don't want to already know how my days will end, if that makes sense. I want change, and to embark on things, not just be making small improvements to my home and going around to his childhood friends house for another barbecue. But he is a great guy. He's such a lovely person.

OP posts:

BelfortGabbz · 28/08/2019 11:02

Yes, a boyfriend who turned up for a date in a Roy Cropper anourak his DM bought him. Zipped RIGHT to the top.
I was young and shallow....

Shoxfordian · 28/08/2019 11:13

He shouldn't have to change the way he wants to live and neither should you. It's unfortunate but you weren't compatible and wouldn't have been happy together

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