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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have you ever walked away from a lovely man?

45 replies

FloatingObject · 28/08/2019 05:44

Just that really. I have a thread (think it's called 'what should I do?') that gives a but of back story, but basically I was wondering if anyone can share their experience of leaving a partner who was great, on the basis that your visions of life don't match and it's not going to work :-(

I'm just worried that I'd be throwing away the potential to have a safe, loving relationship in exchange for the unknown and possibly a more depressing situation. I'm in my thirties, it was different in my twenties. I read so many stories on here of absolutely shit men. I just don't know.

OP posts:

Robin2323 · 28/08/2019 12:36

Is he older than you.
At twenty something I was out every night.
At thirty something not so much.

My point is people want different things out of life at different times.

I'd like to do more but not without dh.
So it's a compromise on somethings.

HighNetGirth · 28/08/2019 12:42

Yes. Eight weeks in to a passionate fling he left to go back to his own country. We just didn’t know each other well enough to do the whole long distance thing. 30 years later, we are still great mates. He came to my wedding. If we had stayed a couple I think there would have been a break up followed by no friendship.

whifflesqueak · 28/08/2019 12:47

I’m in the process of leaving my wonderful dh and father of my two dc.

He really is amazing. So kind and generous and funny and caring.

We’ve had 6 years of being married but somehow it’s not quite right. We couldn’t do it for the rest of our lives so we’re amicably splitting. I am devastated and so is he. Don’t do it. The heartbreak is like nothing i’ve ever known.

Robin2323 · 29/08/2019 05:54

@whifflesqueak
Surely you can work it out.
This sounds like someone I knew.
They start their divorce, no one else involved but both felt so sad.
Got back together again.

SimonJT · 29/08/2019 06:58

Yes, I had to take on my sisters son, his career wasn’t at all suited to taking on a child with additional needs due to him being away from home on a fairly regular basis. The first year without him was really really awful.

Crowdo · 29/08/2019 12:08

If you really want to go travelling, don't let anyone hold you back.

EmiliaAirheart · 30/08/2019 15:09

Have you written about this before? It sounds very familiar. If so, the advice from then stands. You’re incompatible and you’re squandering time that could be spent pursuing your goals and finding someone who shares them.

crappyday2018 · 30/08/2019 16:17

If you love someone deeply enough, and want to be with them then there would be compromise (on both parts). Sounds like neither of you are willing so I don't see how you could continue. Its a shame but that's life. Don't waste any more of your life on someone who isn't suitable.

Malvinaa81 · 30/08/2019 16:27

In essence you are not satisfied.

But will you ever be?

ValancyRedfern · 30/08/2019 16:45

I felt too guilty to walk away from a wonderful man in my 20s and 30s. Like you I saw all the rubbish husbands and fathers around the place and I knew he would be different. And he is. But I am so unhappy that I've never been in love, never fancied him really, never felt satisfied. That I've lived with this constant doubt and unhappiness for nearly 20 years. Now I'm probably going to have to break his heart by leaving and break my own heart too by breaking up a family (1dd). Or I will stay with him and feel like this forever. For his sake, let alone mine I should have split up with him 17 yrs ago. Don't be me!

ValancyRedfern · 30/08/2019 16:46

@whifflesqueak I really empathise.

Adversecamber22 · 31/08/2019 00:53

I had a lovely BF but we were of different faiths, neither super hardcore at that point but I just couldn’t convert which is what would have had to have happened.

Some people are always restless sounds like your one of those types you may or may not change and that can be an age related thing, are you a lot younger than him? I remember working and studying and playing sport and running down to London every other weekend and surviving on very little sleep for about three years but I was in my twenties by my thirties it wasn’t for me.

Misskg1982 · 31/08/2019 01:03

I did he was a friend before anything actually happen between us. To be fair we were the perfect match had the same life goals, we had a great friendship, we're very similar in lots of ways but that something was missing for me. It took me a while to do it but I ended up walking away and we're no longer friends which I hate.
I think if you know something's not right or is missing and that's stopping you moving forward then you got to leave it. You can't just stick around for safety.
When I met my now OH I had and still have butterflies with him and although we don't have a relationship like I had previously. I wouldn't change it, I know I would of never felt this way had I of stayed.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 31/08/2019 01:23

You really don't sound compatable tbh. You make him sound boring as hell.

Go have fun and find someone more spontaneous and happy to travel the world with you.

sugar88 · 31/08/2019 01:32

Yes, we agreed to separate a few days ago after 8 years of being together. He's a really great guy, helped me a lot with my anxiety, sat next to me all night at the hospital a couple of times I've needed an operation, funny, intelligent, really enjoyed spending time with him. I have a thousand list of pros for him.

But, he never wanted to get married, he never wanted to have kids, he enjoyed being alone a little too much for my liking and we ended up sometimes not seeing eachother for weeks. He also had a wish to move abroad which I had no desire to do and I felt like I was stopping him living his dream. We both just decided it wasn't really going to go anywhere further. It's still very new and time will tell whether we made the right decision but I'm feeling sad but positive about it all.

I've left this relationship wishing this guy all the happiness in the world. Sometimes you just know in your gut whether something's going to last, regardless of the pros.

Passtherioja · 31/08/2019 01:51

If he's such a great guy isn't there a compromise?

It seems that you want him to travel/move etc whereas he's happy where he is. Is there an option for you to travel and come home to your homebody fella!?

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/08/2019 02:02

I think I remember your previous thread and he sounded rigid and a little controlling - you had to make all the compromises. He wants what he wants and there it is. No wonder you’re bored - hanging around having bbqs with HIS friends and family for ever and ever...Christ.

But that was a while ago I think? So nothing’s changed?

I think you’re flogging a dead horse really. Don’t waste any more time lady.

Jesaminecollins · 31/08/2019 05:00

I have considered leaving my old man but I look around and I can't see anyone else I would like to hook up with because they are either too young or too old.

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/08/2019 09:56

I wonder if some of this is occasioned by other people who see you with a man who's a friend and say 'you two make such a great couple, you should be together'. So the couple gets together, only to realise that they make much better friends than partners.

Does it happen in same-sex couples too? I'm imagining it does, nice people aren't always suited to be together...

ValancyRedfern · 31/08/2019 10:34

There's a book called 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' which you may find helpful.

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