Boyfriend watching porn

[lilcreed]

Our sex life hasn’t been that great at the moment. Every time I initiate something he says he’s tired. It only happens when he wants it to.

Recently we haven’t been having sex that much. 2 weeks ago I started snooping on his iPad (I know this is so wrong but I did anyway ). I found porn that he has been watching on the days he doesn’t see me which is once every other day. He also has watched it a couple of occasions before I come over to his.

Tonight he almost caught me snooping (I think he’s realised). We’re now sitting here awkwardly and he won’t leave the room (I think in fear I’ll pick up his ipad). He hasn’t actually asked me if I was looking on it.

I now feel terrible for snooping and know I shouldn’t have. I have also been wondering why he chooses to masturbate instead of having sex with me? I don’t mind him doing this, I also don’t mind him watching porn but I wonder why our sex life isn’t so active.

When we have sex , it is mainly him on top as (not being rude) but he is a bigger guy and I struggle to move as my legs are often so far apart (sorry for the too much information). How can I spice things up a bit?

I feel terrible and insecure for snooping and invading his privacy, however I made an impulsive decision at the time and it has continued. Thanks.

Watch it with him?

If he don't want you, addicted to porn or whatever theres your answer. Go home forgetting about him.

Op - you and your bf have an issue that needs talking about.
Forget about porn - and actually talk to him about your sex life.
You don’t know if his porn viewing schedule has changed at all since your frequency went down. It may or may not have.
It is entirely possible he has always watched it on days he doesn’t see you, etc.
But - if you are not satisfied with what’s going on - and if there had been a significant change - you must be able to talk about it. Or - there is no point in being in a relationship.
Maybe there is stress, or maybe health issues. Whatever it is - unless you deal with it as a couple - it won’t change, and only lead to resentment and unhappiness.
You don’t live together, no long marriage and kids dragging you down - so on paper there isn’t a reason sex has to suffer. If there are no underlying issue

I think it's perfectly normal for most men to watch porn. I don't think there's many that don't watch it. He could be genuinely tired or stressed at the moment hence not so interested in full sex at the moment. A quick wank over porn is far easier to get a release than to spend half an hour getting sweaty etc having sex. Talk to him and find out what is going on.

masturbation is different from sex.~I am one of those women who have an issue with sex videos (for mental health and personal reasons from trauma, ptsd).
Me and my current partner have come to the understanding from the start of our relationship I don't want that in our relationship so he doesn't watch it and neither do I.

If this is a problem about that stuff then you need to talk to him about it, tell him how you feel. If you don't want that in your relationship then tell him that. If he chooses to continue you can stay together and work and communicate or leave. It's about how you feel about it. You are completely entitled to tell him what your boundaries are. (but you cannot force him to do anything!)

But if it is because of your sex life and this wouldn't normally be a big deal if your sex life was okay, then you really need to talk to him. find out what he wants and tell him what you want.

(If I was in your situation, I would feel the same way. Tbh I have been in your situation, kinda... however my sex life was great with this guy. I did everything he wanted but he still watched it which hurt my feelings. It hurt more that he lied to me about it, I was fine with it but then my ex went behind my back and watched it but went to my face saying how digusting it was and it was cheating and disrespectful but the fucker was doing it himself. high mighty asshole)

Lack of sex, masturbation frequency and use of porn are 3 separate issues. Set your boundaries on each.

Eg) I'd be upset if I felt we weren't having enough sex and my DH was still masturbation regularly. However our sex life is fine. I have no issue with masturbation. I don't agree with porn though. I know many people are fine with it.

I'm not fine with it either, SignedUp.

There are an awful lot of men who wouldn't even think of watching porn so, op, try to find one of those!

I think there are an awful lot of women who want to believe that there are a lot of men who wouldn’t watch porn because they say so....
(Which they say to their women because they have no choice)

In reality - and all studies confirm it - most men have seen porn at some point if their lives. Some use it more, some use it less. Some used it at a time and may not use it currently.
Most of the younger generation has a different attitude to porn. It’s not as much a taboo as it was for older generation.

But this isn’t a thread about porn. Sex life issues aren’t always porn related.

Just because you’ve seen porn at some point in your life doesn’t mean you actively watch it.

I have seen porn but I don’t watch it.

My husband has seen porn but he doesn’t watch it. He thinks porn is unethical so uses his imagination when he masterbates just like men have done since the beginning of time.
And I know he doesn’t watch porn in the same way I know he doesn’t eat a bacon sandwich when I’m not there, because he is his own person who has his own principles.

It’s so fucking patronising to men to suggest the ones that say they don’t watch porn are only saying that for an easy life.

Of course some men don’t watch porn.

The fact that you women have been gaslit into believing that men are somehow entitled to watch porn, like it’s a basic human right is really sad.

I would leave my husband if I caught him watching porn because it would mean he isn’t the man that I married.

And I’d rather be single until the end of time than be with a man who thought his ejaculation was more important than the safety and dignity of women.

Try and get involved.

@Josuk is spot on

Josuk may well be spot on but doesn’t mean that those of us in a relationship have to just ‘put up’ with it if we don’t want it in a relationship nor be lied to about it

User147

And this is why women who have these strong opinions on porn tend to signal them early and their men chose the easy way of dealing with it - by telling their women that they agree and don’t watch it. It’s easier and keep the peace.
And about as easy to police/check as picking someone’s nose.

You seem to have a very low opinion of men josuk if you think all of them are spineless liars.

And @furrytoebean

Thing is, this is like one of Mars/Venus sort of issues where men and women often can’t agree on, but luckily it’s not live&death.
Women object to porn partially because of moral arguments, but to a large extent due to insecurities.
And men see porn very differently from women. Mostly as a visual aid, fantasy, and not as someone to leave their partners for.
And for most men with healthy sex life - porn doesn’t really end up being a large need or part of their lives.

So of course - they won’t be picking this as a battle to fight with their partners, especially when they express opinions close to what you did - any sane person would just go with an easier approach. Because they (the men) know that they aren’t really cheating if they were to see some porn. But it’s impossible to explain / agree on its so there.

There is nothing patronising or gaslighting in this. It’s just how life it.

And no - I don’t assume men are spines liars.
Just that the argument over porn is like an argument over nose picking most.
If a partner - for some reason insists that their man never ever ever picks his nose - it’s stupid to argue about it.
First - because there is no agreement possible as the female says she’d leave.
Second - because it’s in reality not that big a deal to the man, so he knows that in what matters he isn’t hurting his female partner
Third - because it’s totally impossible to control and check. Unless someone is stupid....

You’re talking crock josuk
Weirdly not all men think the same.

The idea that men only pretend to have ethics to quieten the women shows what a sad view you have of the world.

Honestly I think they pretty much all watch it and lie about it to their partners incase they kick up a fuss.

It's something that can be watched and deleted and their partners will never find out. Easy to do.

I also say I’ll leave my husband if I ever found him cheating do you think that all men secretly cheat too and only say they don’t to please women?

Porn isn’t like ‘picking your nose’, it has wider implications for society and the world at large.

I am certain my husband doesn’t watch porn because he is vehemently against it. Not because I am but because he’s his own person with his own moral compass and that’s the ethics he has. It’s one of the reasons I married him.

He’s also vegan and I’m sure he doesn’t secretly eat bacon sandwiches when I’m not looking.

I think it’s more disgusting for a man to lie about watching porn and trick a woman into marrying them than to just admit it and allow that woman to make an informed choice about the moral compass of the person she’s going to spend her life with.

But @furrytoebean you assume that I see porn as an ethical issue.
I don’t see it as that at all.
So - men are not more or less ethical than women because they might watch porn and not fight to the death to explain to women why it doesn’t matter.

But as I said - there is NO way women with your way of thinking can understand that not everyone sees it this way. And you chose to believe that your partner is exactly like you.
It’s not my place to tell you that you never really know what is in other people’s heads.

I have no issue with porn, watch it myself and am currently with a guy who says it doesn't do anything for him and he doesn't watch it. I have no reason to doubt him - we've both been totally honest about our sexual needs and wants so he has no reason to lie. I know he masturbates, he is open about it. I even know what to - and it isn't porn.

So is porn the issue or is it your sex life? If it is the sex life then tackle that. Don't snoop. Be open and honest and tell him you want more sex / more interesting sex / more foreplay / sex toys / anal... whatever it is that you'd like to try and find out what he wants. It may be that you find that you have some incompatibilities and then you need to find out if they are deal breakers.

My other half has never watched porn so I was surprised to see him watching Naked Attraction - I asked him "why are you watching this?" and he replied "I was comparing penis's" -- I just burst out laughing which made my son come downstairs to ask what was going on - erm .... your Dad just told me a funny story - my son then asks what's it about so I leave his Dad to explain

Thing is - a man who says they don’t really watch porn because it doesn’t do much for them - is believable. It’s a sexual preference and we are all built differently.
Men who ‘oppose porn on moral grounds’ - are a lot less believable, at least in my opinion.
And the reason is that even for women who argue at length about morality of porn - it’s really based on insecurity. And men don’t have that issue by definition.
Why am I saying this?
Because in every discussion porn - women who have moral objection to exploitation, etc. - equally oppose ‘ethical porn’. Or porn couples jointly put up for people to see.
The argument always comes back to - ‘but I don’t want my man to see another woman’s body and feel a twitch of lust’

I don’t really care about porn that much. I use it sometimes. It serves a purpose. I am not moral or immoral for it.
These discussions on MN flair up every now and then. And I do find them amusing.

Men don't need to see porn to feel a 'twitch of lust'. They can look at any woman on the street and feel it. I look at other men sometimes and feel lust. I don't pay them to get naked and repeatedly fucked on camera though.

If a man paid a prostitute to perform sex acts on camera for him to wank over most wives would not approve. But because someone else filmed it, put it online for free and the woman doesn't even get paid per view somehow its better?

Its not always about insecurity.

@Signedup...

So - as I said - fine about porn with questionable origin.
How about websites where women or couples put up their own porn videos....
Is it still NOT ok for a man (or woman) in a relationship to watch some of that as a masturbation aid?
No women or men are hurt or exploited. So - surely - Ok?

If your answer is Yes - then I believe you about your personal objection being based on an ethical basis.

If your answer is No - then it is about controlling your parter’s desire and masturbation. And based on insecurity

What you are describing sounds very similar to dogging and swinging. I'm not into those because we are in a monogamous relationship. Not because I'm insecure. If other couples want to do that then go ahead.

There's no such thing as ethical porn. By making a product you are creating a demand. Which is why there will always be someone out there making cheaper, less ethical porn.

There's no such thing as ethical porn.

I guess some men might not get insecurity about their wives watching porn but might get insecurity about other things. I guess they might have empathy and know that it feels bad to that person so refrain? Plus I guess there is the risk of getting caught?

Would people who watch porn be okay with their partners doing web cam work? I mean people should have whatever boundaries they are comfortable with. Hopefully people are honest with their partners