Boyfriend watching porn

[lilcreed]

Our sex life hasn’t been that great at the moment. Every time I initiate something he says he’s tired. It only happens when he wants it to.

Recently we haven’t been having sex that much. 2 weeks ago I started snooping on his iPad (I know this is so wrong but I did anyway ). I found porn that he has been watching on the days he doesn’t see me which is once every other day. He also has watched it a couple of occasions before I come over to his.

Tonight he almost caught me snooping (I think he’s realised). We’re now sitting here awkwardly and he won’t leave the room (I think in fear I’ll pick up his ipad). He hasn’t actually asked me if I was looking on it.

I now feel terrible for snooping and know I shouldn’t have. I have also been wondering why he chooses to masturbate instead of having sex with me? I don’t mind him doing this, I also don’t mind him watching porn but I wonder why our sex life isn’t so active.

When we have sex , it is mainly him on top as (not being rude) but he is a bigger guy and I struggle to move as my legs are often so far apart (sorry for the too much information). How can I spice things up a bit?

I feel terrible and insecure for snooping and invading his privacy, however I made an impulsive decision at the time and it has continued. Thanks.

I for one find it a complete bloody turn off if your partner is looking at it multiple times a week the minute you are out the door and lies about it even though you may well be ok with a bit of it if they had the manners to be open about it .

There absolutely is such a thing as ethical porn.

When a couple video themselves with the intent to upload to porn sites, what's unethical about that? It's two consenting adults making a choice.

@SignedUpJust4This

Of course there is ethical porn. And it’s NOT swinging or dogging.
It’s individuals who like to film themselves and put it online for others to watch.
Totally consensual and not exploitative.
And - let’s assume for a minute - all porn went that way.
All paid for porn was banned, and only that sort of porn remained.
Would it be ok then?

Morgan12, the porn you're watching isn't made by consenting couples who upload it to the internet themselves, don't be naive.

I agree with the others. Why does all porn have to be unethical. Yes a lot of it is but not all of the participants are being exploited!! Its fine if you just don't like it, and you don't like your partner watching it but don't use the 'ethical' argument to cover that up.
OP has already said she doesn't mind it anyway but that she is not happy with her sex life.
I have no issue with men watching it at all but if they are using it as a substitute to sex, then there is a bigger issue going on. Sounds like this may be the problem here.
OP - you need to speak to him about it.

Josuk, you have no way of confirming the consent of the people in porn and many reasons to distrust multibillion dollar media industries based on prostitution.

Porn advertised with "REAL teen virgins REALLY doing it for the FIRST tome CUM WATCH!!!" does not contain actual teen virgins, and "REAL hot couples BANGING AWAY for REAL!!!" does not contain actual couples.

😂😂😂😂😂 ok then.

Every single porn video ever made was non-consensual.

Pretty sure I wrote "you have no way of confirming the consent of the people in porn and many reasons to distrust multibillion dollar media industries based on prostitution."

Yep, it's still right there where I wrote it.

'Totally consensual and not exploitative.
And - let’s assume for a minute - all porn went that way.
All paid for porn was banned, and only that sort of porn remained.
Would it be ok then?'

Sure. But its not and never will be.

Ok, now we are getting somewhere....😊
@Signedup!

You finally admit that ethical porn exists and then it’s a matter of personal choice whether to watch it.
So - if you or your partner wanted to watch it - there are plenty of websites where couples put their videos up.
And of course - it’s NOT the main stream porn that advertises ‘real virgins’.
There are also a few female directors producing ethical porn, focused on consent. Because - there are women who exercise their right to use their bodies the way they want to.....

@Josuk

I do enlighten us with your views on men and porn --- I am all ears

My keyboard is sticking

@Josuck

Do please enlighten us with your views on men and porn - I am listening

But its still not ethical. There are ramifications elsewhere by feeding that market. Anyway you're misunderstanding my point entirely.

Not ALL men watch porn. Not ALL women have to put up with it if they don't want to. Not All men lie about watching porn and not All women who dislike it do so because they are insecure.

I used to enjoy a bit of porn myself until I learned more about the industry. Now I can't bring myself to watch it. My OH used to watch it a lot and he may even watch it on the sly now and then but I know that he fundamentally disagrees with it on the basis of the exploitation of vulnerable women.

And just because we are private and intimate and don't want to have sex in front of others does not mean we are insecure.

I'm going to stop hijacking this thread now but like I said to OP - sex life, masturbation and porn are 3 separate issues she needs to set her own boundaries on.

I want to say this. I have no issue with "it existing". And if someone wants to watch it, they can. But i do have some choice whether or not I am subjected to it or if I want to be in a relationship where it is there.
The ethics is not the reason I am against it. My issue is my history for me. It doesn't do all the same things for everyone but when I was a teenager I was repeatedly raped by my boyfriend. He kept telling me he wanted to do this thing he saw, didn't matter if it hurt. Or if I didn't want to do it. And his compliments was him comparing me with "stars". And then my next partner kept telling me it was wrong to watch it, it's cheating. So I didn't watch it. Then found out he had been watching it all along. He kept trying to force me into a threesome, telling me how other women I knew looked better and he wished I had a flat butt etc.. Then I found out hed been watching threesome stuff while pressuring me.

So, I am entitled to a choice whether I'm subjected to it. And I think everyone else has that choice too. I don't believe all men watch it, I don't mind if someone has watched it in the past. But I just don't want it around me now. Answering this thread and reading it all gave me a panic attack, I'm stupid for being on it. But I desperately want to make other women feel better when they are in a similar situation to what I've been in.

I like to think not everyone would lie to their partners. And that they can live without it, or respect each other during a relationship.

People on this thread have been so heated towards each other. Unethical "it" isn't okay, needs to be fought. But consensual videos is fine, and if someone is into that go for it. But people that aren't comfortable with it should be given the same respect. People are allowed to choose whether it is in their lives and relationships.

Porn is actually pretend sex - I prefer real sex myself

@MissFloof

The issues with your past bfs most likely would have been there even in the absence of ‘it’.
‘It’ doesn’t make normal people turn into arseholes. They were already that - lacking respect towards their partner and thinking it’s ok to force others against their will into experiences others don’t want.
So - I am sorry you had those experiences and happy you pulled yourself out of relationships where you were not being respected.

It might be hard to believe for you - given your history - but occasional watching of ‘it’ - doesn’t normally lead to any of what you described.
I my life - none of the men I have been with have ever compared me to what they have watched. In turn I have never mentioned or made my partners feel insecure to what I have seen on screen.
Once when I was young - me and my bf tried to follow the actors on screen and it only lead to giggles and wasn’t sexy at all...
But other than that - porn doesn’t seem to be an issue in a normal relationship where sex works well.

@josuk I know not everyone goes bad after watching it, however I believe violent it can damage young children.
Honestly, I have more issues from my bf lying to me about it than the rape (weird I know)
I just don't want it around me. My partner is honest with me. Also, it causes severe panic attacks for me so if I ever found out or something it would be bad.
I have total faith in my partner to respect me with it. We had an open conversation at the start of our relationship so there would be no misunderstandings.
If he wants to do it, fine. But I just can't be in a relationship like that, for my health.

"it" did have a massive influence throughout my life. Being bi also didn't help at school because of what the boys had watched online.
To say it isn't damaging at all is inaccurate. It is, for some people.
Me and my partner are open about our sex lives, both engage in what each other are into. Film ourselves etc.. So I don't feel that has any place in my relationship

But thank you for being so gentle with your reply @josuk. Really appreciate x

MissFloof, I feel totally the same as you and it’s not ethics for me either. It’s the fact that in my first marriage my H constantly pestered me to watch videos (this was the 80s) and in my second marriage my H who is very much a ‘new man’ type has hid and lied about a lot of use, even though he knows how I feel about it. As it happens I wouldn’t have an issue with the occasional bit , have watched it myself on odd occasions , I do have an issue though with ‘a very frequent habit’ especially when it’s only ever on one ‘thing’ in his case women /women . I think a lot of men are their own worst enemies. Like missfloof, I think a bloke has every right to use it and his wife/partner has every right to know about it and decide if she wants that relationship, some of us would genuinely rather be on our own if it comes as an integral deal these days. To me it’s no different to being with someone secret gambling or building up mountains of debt on the quiet , it causes distrust, the only difference being it doesn’t usually involve money. I have no issue at all if both partners know about it , are ok with it and it’s all in the open

@user1479305498 reading what you've said has made me feel so much better and not alone x

You are definitely not alone. I will send you a PM , our views are perfectly valid.

OP, unparalleled access to porn is ruining relationships left right and centre. The sheer amount and variety is ruining some men's ability to get turned on by one samey old partner, however gorgeous she is. It could be happening to you.

Exploitation aside, so many women feel porn is a betrayal within a relationship. Because viewing other women's naked breasts, arses and vaginas is not forsaking all others, is it?

Marriage vows were written before the advent even of photography. They don't cover this issue because the technology didn't exist. If they were written today they would probably take into account this new ability to access explicit imagery of other people's private parts so easily. Private being the operative word. No, chaps, you are in principle actually not supposed to be looking at any other women's vagina if you are in a monogamous relationship. That is how many women feel about it and their feelings are valid. Except because it's not written into the contract, you've all been working very hard to persuade women that you are entitled to so long as you look but don't touch.

So it's fine because you're not touching these women hence porn isn't cheating? Okay, then strip clubs and web cams, sexting and paying someone to come over and gyrate in your bedroom naked is all fine too. There's no logical difference between these things and the filmed version. Equally, men should be fine with their wife sending pics of her vag to their best mate or earning money on web cams or whatever. No touching there either, is there? Funnily enough, I don't suppose they're massively keen on that idea.

It's a massive gaslight of women to say their feelings of betrayal are misplaced prudishness or insecurity. It's not insecurity, it's the traditional principle of other people's private parts being off limits if you're in a monogamous relationship - touch and sight. A principle which has been trampled over in a massive stampede ever since the advent of the camera.

Applause! Thank fuck. Finally someone who understands what I mean by private. Thank you antibles.