Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The man with a van is back and being very reasonable..need good advice from those with experience please

47 replies

Allinadaystwerk · 27/08/2019 19:53

Ok so some of you may remember my previous thread about the day my x pulled up in a van and was leaving as I typed?? Well he left it got nasty (he had complete control over me with narc tendencies and the scales began to fall from my eyes with lots of help from mn). The games began and I got stronger💪🏾 I learned about grey rock and became stone henge 😅 . In all seriousness the struggle was/is real but I am growing and realising more each day. But as I'm sure many of you know it's an ongoing process and sometimes it becomes foggy.
So fast forward a month or two and hes back. I spoke my mind in a series of text that put some very clear boundaries in place regarding what I will accept including threatening words and insistent behaviour. He called asked to meet and suggested a more peaceful and friendly approach. I agreed. Since then he has been around much more. He has said i need not worry about finances and the future but should focus being my best self and all this other encouraging stuff that tbh I needed to hear. He shared some things that he has realised about himself and said he can see how his 'belligerence' had scared me and he is sorry for that. He hardly ever says sorry without a big lecture on how actually I was at fault.
I feel weird. I want the peace and to be amicable so much. But a part of me is scared to let my guard down. I feel a bit like any power I have gained is at risk...am I right to feel this way? Or should I go with the flow and lighten up. How should I be? Why am I unable to think straight and establish a reasonable boundary? Any advice from those who know?

OP posts:
Allinadaystwerk · 27/08/2019 19:55

He has been more present for about 7 days prior to this it was very limited contact but for DS arrangements

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 27/08/2019 20:02

It's a trick to move back in, and take over your life again.

He telling you what you want to hear.

You need to put in very strong boundaries up, there no need for any involvement in your life other then seeing your DC.

Shebertherbert · 27/08/2019 20:05

You already know the real him. This is an act to reel you back in. He will be back to his usual self soon enough.

AliciaQuays · 27/08/2019 20:09

Oh tell him to fuck off m8

Allinadaystwerk · 27/08/2019 20:10

He has not made any suggestion at getting back together just been so calm and collected whereas I am shaking inside but wanting to stay in control of myself. Should I withdraw when he contacts me? Should I ask him not to come round. How dii do that knowing it would cause upset. I really like the peace.

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 27/08/2019 20:10

Do not let him back in.

As PPs have said, he's shown you what he's like.

Allinadaystwerk · 27/08/2019 20:12

Should I tell him to back off? Let him know why as in it's too soon for me to be comfortable with him... How can I word it? Without causing a fight

OP posts:
AliciaQuays · 27/08/2019 20:49

Christ. Just say fuck Off and block

Apileofballyhoo · 27/08/2019 21:01

Grey rock. Don't be affected by negative things he says and equally don't be affected by positive things he says. Don't engage in conversations. Don't respond or respond in a very non committal, neutral way. "That's nice, thank you. When are you collecting DC?" Change the subject if things get personal. Say your online counsellor recommended you don't talk about personal matters with him. Don't engage, stay silent if you can. Prepare stock responses.

Put your coat on before you answer the door so you can say you were on your way out. Text a friend to phone you if he shows up. Spend a long time on the phone. Avoid avoid avoid.

Gingernaut · 27/08/2019 21:34

Wow.

He's done a proper job on your self-esteem and stomping on your boundaries.

You must not let him back.

You must 'grey rock' every communication from him.

Remember your children must not see that emotional abuse and coercive control are normal.

Originallymeonly · 27/08/2019 21:38

He's trying to hoover you back in, don't fall for it, you have come so far and learned so much. Stay strong (unmumsnetty hugs)
My ex tried this, he moved out for 2 weeks and came back expecting me to be relieved, then was all sombre and confused that he wasn't welcome. Apologising for being "full on" (er try domestically abusive according to the police) and asking for a cuddle to "feel better".

Grey Rock is your best friend here.

sackrifice · 27/08/2019 21:44

He has not made any suggestion at getting back together just been so calm and collected

A chess player doesn't announce that they are about to take the opponent's queen. They will pretend they are fiddling about with some pawns and then wham!

Allinadaystwerk · 27/08/2019 22:41

Ok so the consensus is do not trust him and stay cold. It makes perfect sense but so easier said than done. So annoying that I'm struggling with this. I can be strong with others but a wuss with him. I can feel my heart beating a bit faster just thinking about more conflict. I'm a right coward.

Good tips @Gingernaut thanks. The coat on thing will help me out.
Must remember the chessplayer analogy. He's playing a game right?
Deep down tho folks I don't know if I've got the bottle to stand-up to him. But i know I'm going to have to as his ugly side will return sooner or later

How sad is that. I'm still scared and I don't want to be.

OP posts:
Originallymeonly · 27/08/2019 22:46

@allinadaystwerk I still feel a little bit scared at handover time and I'm more than 2 years divorced, be gentle with yourself and remember
"when you're going through Hell, keep going"

Allinadaystwerk · 27/08/2019 22:53

@original it's good to know I'm not the only one that gets scared. 2 years on! Wow
Its shit though isnt it Angry

OP posts:
Originallymeonly · 27/08/2019 23:48

My ex husband is the biggest shit.

AlunWynsKnee · 27/08/2019 23:56

They always blow cold and hot. When you change your reaction they adapt their attack. The nice stuff should draw you back in and then he can relax into normal. Or if you hold firm he will redouble the crap but you need to ride that out.

Allinadaystwerk · 28/08/2019 06:57

It's the re-doubling the crap thing i dread. I wake up anxious sbout that

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 28/08/2019 07:31

You're still hoping he will change aren't you?

I assure you they don't. No exceptions.

I assure you there are much much better partners out there than him.

Put down the hopium pipe and tell him to fuck off.

Pick up and drop off outside. Don't let him in the house or in your bed anymore.

LellyMcKelly · 28/08/2019 07:44

What are you doing?! This man has SHOWN you who he is. He will not change. Narcs always want to ‘reel you back in’. It’s a challenge for them. Do you really want to end up back where you were?

Allinadaystwerk · 28/08/2019 07:45

@ranty perhaps a little bit yes I am hoping he will change. He's such a prat but a source of security too. Yet on the other hand he wrecks me. He has wiped the floor with me so often. I don't want to go back to that at all but I have to admit I'm still too scared of him to be as assertive as I obviously need to be. I sound so pathetic I wanna kick my own arse!
Right be brave 'twerky' re- gain sone distance
I came home yesterday he was in the house my DS had left the the back door open 🙈

OP posts:
Allinadaystwerk · 28/08/2019 07:49

@yelly no I don't want to end up back where I was at all. I was a quivering wreck.
I just need some courage. Thinking of my dc gives me courage tbf. thanks for the gentle prod

OP posts:
Allinadaystwerk · 28/08/2019 07:50

Sorry that was @lelly not yelly 😁

OP posts:
NomDeQwerty · 28/08/2019 07:58

He's still got you scared. You're waking up anxious and you're worried about how to word things so as not to cause a fight. Your body's fear and stress responses are there for excellent survival reasons. Listen to them. Trust them. Don't let your brain (which he has messed with) override them.
Back to the grey rock and if he pushes on your boundaries then you grey rock harder.
They can't change.

flouncyfanny · 28/08/2019 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.