The man with a van is back and being very reasonable..need good advice from those with experience please

[Allinadaystwerk]

Ok so some of you may remember my previous thread about the day my x pulled up in a van and was leaving as I typed?? Well he left it got nasty (he had complete control over me with narc tendencies and the scales began to fall from my eyes with lots of help from mn). The games began and I got stronger💪🏾 I learned about grey rock and became stone henge 😅 . In all seriousness the struggle was/is real but I am growing and realising more each day. But as I'm sure many of you know it's an ongoing process and sometimes it becomes foggy.
So fast forward a month or two and hes back. I spoke my mind in a series of text that put some very clear boundaries in place regarding what I will accept including threatening words and insistent behaviour. He called asked to meet and suggested a more peaceful and friendly approach. I agreed. Since then he has been around much more. He has said i need not worry about finances and the future but should focus being my best self and all this other encouraging stuff that tbh I needed to hear. He shared some things that he has realised about himself and said he can see how his 'belligerence' had scared me and he is sorry for that. He hardly ever says sorry without a big lecture on how actually I was at fault.
I feel weird. I want the peace and to be amicable so much. But a part of me is scared to let my guard down. I feel a bit like any power I have gained is at risk...am I right to feel this way? Or should I go with the flow and lighten up. How should I be? Why am I unable to think straight and establish a reasonable boundary? Any advice from those who know?

Keep it cold and civilised and don't let him get a literal or metaphorical foot in the door...
Ok
This is what I need to do.
The anxiety and stress cause physical symptoms. I was feeling well and now I am in pain.
Right back to grey rock...

Thank you for the advice 🙂

@flouncy he is a CF come to think of it. Best self indeed

If he's gained so much self awareness and understanding, you asking for a bit of space should be fine.

If it isn't, he's showing you he hasn't changed at all and you were right to insist on space.

Either way, as long as you have that conversation you retain control.

My xh keeps inviting me round for coffee. Grey rock is easy here as it just proves how little he knew me. I only drink tea! You can do this, you ARE strong enough xx

@needsomebottle this is true as is your user name for me. It's so much easier said than done. But I will create some distance starting today. Before he goes to far and re-establishes control

@dhal 😂😂😂

prior to this it was very limited contact but for DS arrangements
And this is how it should remain.
Don't allow him to get inside your head again with his bullshit.
Stay strong.
You've come so far, don't allow yourself to slip back.
You got this!

This seems to be the script of all abusers.

Clearly he has given you what he perceives to be enough time to "cool off" and "forget" the crap he pulled, so now he starts the other part of the domestic violence cycle. The charm part. By the way, violence can also be psychological, not necessarily only physical.

www.whiteribbon.org.au/understand-domestic-violence/what-is-domestic-violence/cycle-of-violence/

www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics

Make a paper list of ALL the crappy things he did and said. That is who he is. Read it whenever you feel weak and tempted to try again.

Don't be like me, don't waste 10 years. Don't get conned.

From the last article I posted:

Grooming/ Re-grooming
“They fool you because they appear supportive, nice, non-threatening and easy going.”
In the beginning of a relationship, the abuser will groom you (his target) with specific tactics. He will use these same tactics during the relationship when things get rocky, when he feels you are pulling away from him, when he thinks he’s losing his covert control over you, and when you are becoming suspicious that he’s not who he appears to be.

Especially at the beginning of the relationship, he appears to be perfect for you, that you are meant to be together, that you are soul-mates.

He draws you in trust him by acting vulnerable and emotionally open.

He mirrors your interests, values, and ideas of acceptable behavior to appear perfect for you.

He listens very carefully to you and appears to care deeply.

He showers you with attention and affection, making you feel loved and wanted.

He goes out of his way to make you think that the relationship is special and unique (“I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before!”). This is called love-bombing. He wants to make you dependent on his attention or affection.

He is very charming and kind so that you feel rude being assertive toward such a nice man.

He plays the servant role towards you, performing acts of service or kindness.

When you set a boundary around unwanted behavior, he acts like he’s changed, begins to be kind and loving again, plays nice. He’s trying to break the boundary by seducing you into trusting him again.

@femme the victim response in that diagram is definitely resonating. I've done all of that. The next step will be tension building I can feel it coming 😟

Your "best self" is the one living a good life without him in it. Your best self is the one telling him to fuck right off. Perhaps by being such an arse he is indeed helping you to be your best self by realising that.

Sorry @gemma (auto correct)

@Gemma1971
This ^
Definitely make a list of all the horrible things he's done.

Keep it on your phone where you can easily find it.

I had a wobble the other day and brought my list up and knocked me right back into reality.

We've been married 12 years.
It's hard isnt it? To admit he is just like all the others. I want to believe he is different and not truly abusive. But this is my co dependency speaking I guess.
Ahh shit in a bucket.
I almost fell for his shit again! Thank goodness for MN

That list! Wow it would actually be embarrassing and horrific. Waking me up in the early hours on a regular basis to berate me for being ungrateful for all he has done for me and dc
Telling me I have no real friends except him
Making all of the dc cry and be fearful of him
Telling me I can go it alone and threatening to take our DS away from me when I was critically ill in hospital
Calling me into his car without my shoes on for a quick chat then driving off to a remote place and shouting at me at the top of gis voice about how frigid i am and how disgusting i am
Throwing my dirty washing at me because his was not dry yet
I could go on and on..But I'm blubbing like a silly child. 😟

Head wobbled grey rock it is
How could I even think he might be ok

It is only hard if we doubt ourselves and do not love and honour ourselves enough to set the boundary in concrete that allows nobody into our lives that does not deserve to be there because of how they treat us badly. If we had that self-respect in the first place, we would have booted these monsters out of our lives long ago, or not even let them in.

When you start to really value you above all else, it will get a lot easier, I promise.

I recall telling my good friends, who have been married for 30 years, about the ex. They sat looking astounded, shocked, disgusted, that I had allowed someone to speak to me the way he did, and to even abuse me through two serious illnesses and STILL take him back.

Other people can always see it. And yes, codependency doesn't help, because we excuse, want to fix, understand. Bollocks to all that. Abusers are not broken shelving or taps... they cannot be fixed. We can only fix ourselves and get so strong and self-loving that we never allow anyone to do this to us again.

He sounds truly horrible. Replay that car trip and that shouting in your head every time you feel any guilt over keeping up your boundaries. He will not like you realising the truth (that you are too good for him) because it will make him glimpse his self loathing (all bullies loathe themselves. It is sad, but sadder that they attack good kind people). If anyone treats my daughters like you have been treated, it would BREAK MY HEART.

Thank you gemma it's so true. Never had boundaries and they are so crucial. Learning to see myself as good, worthy, valuable is a work in progress.
Determined to get there tho