Pregnant after a "fling"

[KC00]

I found out I was pregnant just a week ago, I had been dating this guy for a few weeks or so, it was never anything serious, mostly because he's moving abroad very soon and neither of us were interested in a long distance relationship, so we were never offically together but I ended it as I felt like I was getting too attatched to something that wasn't going to last. A few weeks later my period was very late so I took a few tests and they were all positive. I've been stressing over it all week. I'm 26 and I've always wanted to be a mum one day but this isn't how I saw it happening. I knew I had to tell him so I convinced myself to yesterday, he said he didn't want a child and he was interested so it's down to me. I honestly wasn't sure how he would react but that took me by surprise. I do want to continue this pregnancy, I could afford a child it's just I know my family won't be supportive, I'm dreading how they'll react. I have some amazing friends, I've told some of them but I know I am essentially alone in this because they can't be around very often. I want to do this but I'm not sure if it's really the best idea

Personally I wouldn't go ahead with the pregnancy, because the father's going to bugger off abroad and never be heard from again, you're on your own and don't think your family will be supportive, while you're young and have many fertile years still ahead of you.

But if you want this, then you will manage. Women do, all the time.

And your poor child would not know their father.

if the dad doesn't want to know then he doesn't deserve the baby and your child wouldn't be missing out. You as a mum will provided enough love on your own! Speaking from past experience! Only you can decide what's best. Your family may surprise you, I know mine did.

If you choose to keep the baby, I would tell him you lost it - then make sure you make yourself unreachable by him. The last thing you want is to do all the hard baby years by yourself, then have a feckless, Disney Dadding twat swan in, demand access (or God forbid, joint residence) and obstruct a good and healthy parenting routine. Seen that happen a few times on here.

Personally know of one dick who had harshly rejected the pregnancy, disappeared, then later showed up demanding to see baby - but termination had taken place.

It's a "type".

Goes without saying, give the baby your name, don't put him on birth certificate.

Give the baby your name. Don't put him on the birth certificate

Best advice on this thread. Good luck OP

Advice I’d give my 26 year old self, you are so young, you have time to meet the right person and start a family.

I became a single mum at 24 after getting pregnant accidentally while on the pill. I left my partner who was totally unprepared for being a father and would not change his lifestyle (rubbish poorly paid job, using recreational drugs at weekends, refusal to become financially responsible) and who became abusive and controlling. I left him knowing that I would be a single mother.
HOWEVER, I have a big, supportive family and this made a huge difference. I was able to move in to my parents spare room for a few years in order to save up a deposit to buy my home. They have also always supported me with childcare which I would not have been able to afford myself.
My family became particularly important because most of my friends disappeared. Since she was born I feel like I am either at work or with my daughter with no time for anything else. Its not my/their fault, we just grew to have different priorities. I am very lonely and want to try to establish a new group of friends for myself now that she is older and will become more independent over the coming years as a teenager. My previous friends are only having their own children now.

My daughters dad is not on her birth certificate as advised by my solicitor friend. This means he cannot turn up trying to make demands or claims, nor can he take her out of the country (which was my main concern). While this protects us, it also means that I cannot get any financial support from him. This feeds into my work pressure and exhaustion noted above. You need to think about what you are going to do about this yourself.

I know that all sounds quite negative but I wouldn't change anything. I love my daughter and feel that she has made me a better person. She is smart and she is SO kind to people (to the extent I don't know where it comes from) She makes me proud everyday. But I couldn't have done it without my family. I think you need to have a real think about your support network before you make any decisions.

Also the persons comment about how the 'poor child' wouldn't know their father is insulting. My child wants for nothing. She is missing out on nothing from not knowing him. She has male role models in the form of my brothers, brother in law, various uncles, cousins and friends. There is not 'poor child' going on.

Oh god, it is possible to raise a baby without a man you know op if YOU want this baby then you keep your pregnancy, you know how you feel so don't be swayed by someone suggesting to get rid because there isn't "a father figure" involved. Keep your name on BC and just maybe don't update the useless twat on anything.

I'm glad you want to keep your baby. You will be so glad you did. I'm raising my son all by myself, my family are all abroad and his dad ran away w a teenager when he was 18 months old. that said, he was never an involved dad anyway and I've even had to drive myself to hospital when I went into labour. It was always a solo flight for me. You can do this. There's loads of childcare options available to single mums. I have recently employed an au pair and will probably do it again once her time here comes to an end. It's cheap and (mostly) reliable. Keep your chin up. You can do this!!

I was in this position once, age 25, and went ahead. I've never regretted it and it made me buck my own ideas up, I went back to university and became a teacher. Good idea to let him think you didn't continue with the pregnancy though, that could have saved me a lot of grief.

Why were you surprised by his reaction? Gven the circumstances, his reaction is totally expected

It’s your call. Being a single parent isn’t easy, but neither is living with a decision you know you will regret.

If you were ten years older I'd probably say keep it but you still have plenty time to meet the one and have kids the way you want. You could be tied to this dick for the rest of your life and if your family won't be supportive then it could be very tough going.

How do you feel about terminating?

Of course it isn't what you had planned but at 26 you are still plenty young enough to meet someone and have more kids later if you do continue with this pregnancy. How can you be sure your family will not be supportive?

I think the OP’s is clear that she isn’t keen on termination.

The things you need to have in place are childcare for when you go back to work, enough space in your home and enough disposable income to look after a child’s needs. And lots of patience

I am a single parent with no support. When I had DD I was married and her father met someone when she was a baby. I have brought her up myself and it was the best thing I have done.

Worst thing was marrying DS’s dad - not that I regret DS at all but ended up a single parent there too with the added complication of a very difficult divorce.

I guess my point is that ‘meet the right person and have the traditional nuclear family’ might not work out anyway. It is perfectly possible to bring up children on your own, in fact, it is in my experience, a joy (and of course hard work). In my case I did always know that I wanted DC though, so I consider myself lucky to have been able to have them (and this far to be able to provide).

There have been times out and about where I have thought - I am the only single parent in a park full of couples - but do you know, I also had days out with XH where I was miserable.

@Aster24 what country are you in? You can still claim child support even if he is not named on the birth certificate. He is still financially responsible

I think I'd regret having a termination later on. I'm almost certain my family won't be supportive atleast at first, they may come round later on but I don't know

At your age, I’d have kept the baby. At 18 or 21, I wouldn’t. People are saying you have lots of time - which is partly true - but lots of women try for years to find someone, without success, and then it’s too late to have children. It’s really hard to find a good man. I’d go for it if I were you

If you think you would regret a termination, then most would agree that takes it off the table as a realistic option. Issue of the father aside, it sounds like you have the makings of it being ok. As you say, you can't judge how your family will react long term. 26 is a perfectly normal age to have a baby. Could it be that their seeming lack of support is really concern for you and the impact it will have on your life? Good luck with what you decide.

Congratulations!
Three positives:
You want the baby.
You can afford the baby.
You have friends for moral support and encouragement.

As for your family:
In my experience, families come around. I've seen it happen several times, including my daughter. She was terrified and waited to tell us as long as she could. I was thrilled! Her dad needed a little time. He mumbled "congratulations" and then stayed in bed a day and a half. He was afraid of the added responsibility, when in fact that has never been a problem. He was increasingly excited during the pregnancy, cried the first time he held her, and dressed as a book character for her last birthday party. Something he would never have done with our children. If you have at least the beginning of a plan in place before you tell them it will probably help.

You'll also have support from you healthcare providers, and more than likely you'll meet other parents who can give you advice and lend a hand. Babies are a blessing, and it sounds as though you'll be a great mother! 💜

Whatever decision you make, make it understanding 100% that your child won’t have a father in their life & you’d be unlikely to get any financial support at all.

If you are okay with that and want to keep the baby, go ahead!

It's more about not even being in relationship which my family won't react well to

It's better to regret having a termination than regret having a child. Think very well about this, because it will probably be much harder than you expect.
Whatever you decide, good luck!

It’s a rubbish situation but at 26 you have so much life to live before tying yourself down with a baby and the much harder life of being a lone parent with little support. It’s all very well to say you have friends for “support”, but realistically, childfree people in their twenties aren’t going to pitch in and do much more than very occasional babysitting when it suits them. And for every story of a reluctant dad who “came around” when the baby was born there are half a dozen feckless assholes who disappeared never to be seen again.

If you really don’t want to terminate, don’t - but don’t rule it out as an option because of a nebulous feeling that you might regret it. Nobody wants to have a termination; but plenty of women do and plenty of them don’t regret it: it’s just that, like saying you regret having a child, it’s considered socially unacceptable to say you don’t regret your abortion, so you rarely hear those stories. That said, also don’t place too much stock in worrying that your family will be unsupportive. They will likely initially be shocked but far more reasonable after than you are expecting.