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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mental health?

28 replies

NameChanje · 27/08/2019 12:35

I wasn't sure whether to post this on here or mental health but I really need some support. I made a thread a few weeks back which I got some support with and some pointers in the right direction.

Fast forward to now I'm getting worse daily. My anger and moods are out of control. My poor DP. I called the crisis line over a week ago and they agreed I have a serious problem and to ask my GP to refer me to the primary mental health team. My GP did this immediately thankfully. I should get an appointment through within the next few weeks. I am trying to manage best I can but I'm pushing my DP away understandably. When I'm in my right mind I'm so disappointed in myself. Full of self loathing and misery. I tried to leave and he wants me to stay. He wants to help me. Unfortunately I'm so specific in my needs that when he doesn't get it right I lose the plot.

I'm abusive and nasty towards him but when I'm like that I can't seem to control myself. My mind goes empty.

I'm a professional person and horrified at my behaviour. I just need to get through to when I have my assessment. Please no horrible comments

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 27/08/2019 19:08

The good points here are that you are self aware and know what you are doing. It’s the reason why u do it that maybe you need help with and how to control yourself?
Your partner is understanding and supportive .

The mental health team may prescribe you meds but in the mean time are able to try some self help ? Can u afford to see a therapist ? Also Maybe some sport or exercise or maybe use some cognitive behaviour apps or mindfulness apps online . Or meeting up with friends to chat ?

You sound stuck in a self destructive loop, pushing away those closest who want to help. It is possible to get out of it but you need to tackle the cause first and medication alone won’t do that .

RLEOM · 27/08/2019 19:15

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be a very confusing time for you.

I'm a professional and get like that after break ups. It's like a mist descends, I spew out my hatred, then realise what I've done around 24 hours later and deeply regret it. I also feel ashamed by my behaviour because I never act like that in the workplace.

Because I know my triggers, I don't opt for meds but I probably should! Did the GP prescribe anything?

I know that angry outbursts can be associated with dementia/alzheimer's, but it may not be that at all.

I hope it gets resolved for you, OP. I really do. I'm sure you're a lovely person and don't recognize the person you can become. Just hold on to who you know you truly are. ❤

Original poster
NameChanje · 27/08/2019 19:55

Thank you both for your comments. I didn't think my day could get any worse. He says he's supportive but he still does things that wind me up. I said I wanted to go shop when DD in bed as need bits for dinner and lunch, he kept suggesting I go at different times he couldn't just say okay no worries. In the middle of getting DD to bed me getting stressed as she's playing up he comes up asking if he should go to shop.
He has trust issues and I feel paranoid about the reason why he's adamant about me not going to shop on my own! I'd already said to him earlier he's suffocating me, he gives too many opinions and keeps butting in. I'm very independent and don't like him keep questioning my decisions.
It's definitely self destructive I agree. I have started couch to 5k, about to start 3rd week but it's not helping.
I'm already on mirtzapine which has been increased twice in recent months due to me struggling but I don't think it's depression. When I'm out the house and at work I'm completely different. It's when I'm back and I feel suffocated again. I rarely get time to myself. I say I want to go home for a break and he says we have to sort it out tonight.

Going home not an option. All he keeps saying is he doesn't deserve the reaction he gets but in my eyes he keeps doing what I've asked him not to. I know he doesn't deserve the reaction but I feel backed into a corner. I don't get the mental space. I went downstairs in the night to get DD a drink, he wanted to know what took me so long. I took about extra 30 seconds as I was stuffing my face while I was down there. I can't understand why he's so interested in what I'm doing or how long it's taking me.

I told him I feel like a child like I've got no independence I have to answer to him constantly. He did it again the next night. I really do despair it's like banging my head against a brick wall. I do truly believe he's not helping me as much as he could. I have been like this in past relationships and with family but nothing to this extent.

I'm worried they'll want to lock me up. I feel like I'm going crazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChanje · 27/08/2019 19:57

Sorry forgot to say the GP was reluctant to prescribe anything else in the mean time. I did self medicate yesterday with diazepam but not sure it done much. Not sure if worth going back to ask for something. Feels like I need a horse tranquilliser or a gag to shut me up!!!

I can't get out of this hatred for him.

OP posts:
migoga · 27/08/2019 20:02

He sounds abusive? Do you feel better when he is not there?

migoga · 27/08/2019 20:06

Of course you should be able to go to the shop - or eat or drink when you need to - without someone forbidding it or checking up on you.

migoga · 27/08/2019 20:10

It sounds like gaslighting.

AgentJohnson · 27/08/2019 20:11

I think you need some distance from him. There’s clearly a dynamic between you that isn’t helping. If he won’t go even temporarily, then you need to create for yourself, which might mean you have to emotionally disengage for a while.

AgentJohnson · 27/08/2019 20:12

^reate space for yourself

Original poster
NameChanje · 27/08/2019 20:12

I feel I can relax more when he's not around. He was a lot worse than this and he has been seeking help for his problem. I know it's not helped me as it's put me under a lot of pressure. I can't let go of what he put me through and continues to do. He has such a suspicious mind and not caused by me at all.

Now he keeps throwing this all back in my face telling me I'm abusive towards him which I can agree with. I've asked him to show me love and affection but he says he's too hurt and upset by my behaviour to do that, even when I've started being normal again.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 27/08/2019 20:12

Jesus! I meant ^Create space for yourself

Original poster
NameChanje · 27/08/2019 20:13

@AgentJohnson I do agree with you here. If I go then he says it's completely over so it may be something I have no choice over

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 27/08/2019 20:14

You have a child, your priority has to be your MH, you need a break from him.

Bookworm4 · 27/08/2019 20:16

He sounds awful, his behaviour will worsen your MH, he’s not being supportive, he’s being paranoid and controlling. Can you and your DD go to your family for a few days?

AgentJohnson · 27/08/2019 20:17

I suspect his ‘if you leave then it’s over’ is an empty threat designed to keep you there. Fingers cross it isn’t and you can get on the path to recovery very soon. Do not underestimate the toxicity of your current relationship.

Original poster
NameChanje · 27/08/2019 20:23

He's just come up the stairs wanting to talk. I told him I wanted to be left alone and that I think the only way this can move forward is if I have space from him.
He reminded me that's he said it needs to be sorted out today. Which by he means I need to just be fine with him and do all normal things. He keeps poking at me and provoking me. If he'd left me alone while doing bed time then I probably would have been okay once I got back from the shop.

He told me I can't keep blaming him for his issues and I have to take responsibility for mine.

Now I can't go to shop and I've got nothing to eat. I told him to sort his own out and he's done that.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChanje · 27/08/2019 20:26

I do definitely need a break either way. By the end of the week I'll have somewhere to go. Just got to get there without him keep pushing me.
He told me he's spoken to a mans helpline today to get help with how to help me and they've said I need to call respect domestic abuse to get help for my behaviour and my behaviour isn't good for him.

There has been many times I have lost it unreasonably over silly things but it's the same things I ask him not to do. I know it's my fault and I hate myself for giving him the satisfaction by keep shouting

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 27/08/2019 20:27

Eh? He’s to be blameless for being an arsehole but YoU have to take responsibility for your behaviour? He’s a manipulating cock. When he goes to work tomorrow I’d be packing a bag for you and DD, he can’t stop you if he’s not there.

boringornot · 27/08/2019 20:30

When I read your OP, the first question that occurred to me was about your DH. That's what abusive men do. They push us until our MH goes to pot.
I don't know how the whole thing started, but it sounds very toxic for both of you.

Original poster
NameChanje · 27/08/2019 20:33

It all started off with his MH problem of paranoia and not being able to trust me. Strange accusations all the time. Wanting to know the ins and outs of everything. It was hell on earth for me and I feel like this is the aftermath. I'm constantly on the edge of my seat waiting for the next question. I don't feel independent any more.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 27/08/2019 20:36

He has pushed you to feel like this, he’s responsible for straining your MH, get away from him he sounds very abusive and dangerous.

Original poster
NameChanje · 27/08/2019 20:38

But I have been like this before I met him. My mother screams and shouts and that's what I grew up with. The closer someone gets the more that behaviour presents itself but as I said earlier I feel like he's making it worse. He doesn't listen to my triggers or give me space when I need.

OP posts:
migoga · 27/08/2019 20:41

He does sound like the catalyst - and if he isn’t addressing his mental health issues and blaming you, it’s going continue. You say you can function very well at work (when he is not around). I’d focus on your daughter’s needs, your needs and get away from him.

category12 · 27/08/2019 20:43

It sounds like separation is in your best interests. He sounds controlling as well as whatever is going on with you. Is there anywhere you could go?

boringornot · 27/08/2019 20:50

People who grew up with abusive parents very frequently end up marrying abusers. We tend to repeat the pattern of our childhood.
I also have MH problems and my 'D'H married me and uses my lack of confidence and self esteem to try to control me.

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