Marriage ended 4 years ago - things still aren't right

[Missillusioned]

My husband left me for OW 4 years ago. It was a very bad time - I was made redundant at work just before and was very worried about finances.

4 years on and while I no longer want him, I do want someone. I know lots of people are happy to be single, but I definitely feel there is something missing in my life. I've tried online dating to no avail.

I recently had some interest from a man, but it petered out and I now feel even more alone.

I keep reading on here about people whose marriage ended and they've gone on to meet someone else and they're so much happier, but I can't seem to find that for myself.

I have dependent children and I'm nearly 50. It seems meeting someone is difficult. A lot of women my age no longer have dependent children and a lot of women who do have younger children are younger than me, so I am disadvantaged in the dating market.

I am still in reasonable shape for my age, but I'm not kidding myself that I'd be mistaken for 40 any more.

I've started to feel very angry that my ex has moved on seamlessly and I am left alone, increasingly lonely and at an age where meeting a partner is difficult.

I have friends, a job, I go out and I take my children on holiday, but there's still something missing. It doesn't help that I have no male relatives either.

I'm beginning to think there must be something wrong with me. My husband didn't want me and no other man seems to either. I know this is not a helpful way to think.

Can anyone suggest something I can try to either meet a partner or feel less empty?

Do you love yourself?
Are you happy with who you are?
Are you confident with yourself and your body?
Without all of these things in place you won't get very far.
I'm 50 as well but my DD is 21.
I've dated.
I actually had a date for the 1st time in ages this weekend.
But I just don't think it's for me.
I love my single life.
I'm not how I'd fit someone else into it anyway.
Have you tried over 50 dating sites?
I haven't so have no advice but that may be a better place to start.

Everyone says that the right person will along when it's the right time, blah blah blah.
Load of crap in my experience.
But then I guess I'm not ready.

Do you have close friends who you see regularly?
How old are your DC?

How old are your children?

I know 4 years feels a long time. But recovering from trauma. It's not really

I find it easier to attract people when I am genuinely happy. When I met dp I was just out of my marriage. Loving being single. I wasnt lonely or anything.

It took a while for us to get together, because I was happy being single. I wasnr short of offers, despite being a bit wobbly having you kids, nothing special to look at.

If people pick up on the fact that you are lonely or holding resentment still to your ex, it often puts people off.

Its difficult, because you feel lonely so are unhappy. But that can put people off.

You still have time to meet simeone and be happy.

Exactly. You need to work on your confidence first. Easier said than done.

I agree 4years really isn’t a long time to recover from such a big change in your life.
Be kind to yourself.

Reading you say:

My husband didn't want me and no other man seems to either

Makes me feel sad and angry on your behalf. Because that’s patently not a true statement. Would you say that to a friend? And if a friend said it of themselves would you agree with them? Probably not I would imagine.

Have you talked through all of this with anyone ?

In answer to your questions - I am confident in my body. I am not ashamed to be seen in a bikini on holiday for example.
I get a lot of interest in dating sites from my photos and I can engage easily with people by text, but it peters out, or the men only want NSA sex. I've tried that and it wasn't for me because I get emotionally involved.

Do I love myself? I dunno. I know what I am and am not and I'm at peace with it.

My children are between 10 & 16. I have four, which doesn't make things easier.

I have been on dates from dating sites but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. The most recent prospect was someone I met in real life however.

I see friends about once a fortnight when the children are with their father. Any dating also has to be fitted in on those weekends. It doesn't leave a lot of time.

'My husband didn't want me and no other man seems to either'

And this is true. It might not be kind, but it's true

Which sites are you using? I met my husband on POF but many men on there just wanted NSA sex as well. Same with Tinder really. It may be worth paying for one of the sites to weed out some of the timewasters

I've been on Match, POF, tinder and bumble. Oddly I've met the nicest men off tinder, but it didn't work out. All the NSA sex men are on all the sites it doesn't seem to matter which one you use.

I think what has brought things to a head was when I had a minor accident. People asked me if there was anyone they could call for me and it felt terribly lonely when I had to say no, there's noone.

It's ok to feel strong and single most of the time, but when you're lying on the floor in shock and there's noone to call it's not great. I have no family other than my children.

Passions, interests & pursuits. Indulge your every personal interest. Find inspiration in a powerful female role model who inspires you. Mine is the amazing Selena the Mexican Madonna (RIP)

I've got 4 dependent children and a full time job. I don't have much time for pursuits or hobbies. This may be part of the problem, but I can't see an immediate solution.

If you are craving male company then do a course and join a local club in a male dominated sport like fencing, canoeing, cycling, climbing. Check your local Meetups page, there might be an activity that takes your fancy.

I agree though that it's very difficult and it so unfair that your H has moved on to another feathered nest.

But it’s not true. At the very worst you could say he no longer wanted to be with you. Which is very different. At one point he did. And you weren’t a different person then, he just was a selfish shit.

Rejection of any kind is hard, but it doesn’t make you unlovable, it is a lie that no one wants to be with you. A lie your telling yourself.

I was rejected by the person I loved most in the world. But I don’t think I am unlovable. Though some days it’s a struggle to stay positive. But stay positive you must.

Your children aren’t babies. You can go out when they’re at home for a hour or two for a hobby in the evening. There are ways to do more which aren’t just when your ex has the kids.

I am laughably bad at all sports. Like embarrassing. I am not kidding when I say I've never met anyone worse at sports than me. And if I meet a man at a sports club, he's not going to have much in common with me!

Evenings after work can be difficult. By the time I've got home, picked youngest from childcare, cooked even a quick family tea and eaten most of the evening has gone. I am just exhausted from work and home life tbh. Plus my accident this year knocked any idea of active stuff on the head for the whole summer.

I think my ex wanted to be with me because I was good looking with a fantastic figure. As my looks faded, so did his interest. I'm still attractive for my age, but I'm beginning to wonder if I was one of those people who never had to develop a personality because they were nice looking.

Don't get me wrong, I was never supermodel material but I know ex was very physically attracted to me, until I had children.

I get a lot of interest online from MILF seekers and men who want to ask about my bra size.

You’ll be best to find some hobbies. Join a local social club. There’s also a pay for dating site on the guardian which might be better. Check out the website called meet-up. Type in your area and join things like local social meet-ups and walking groups. How about a new job? Evening course learning Spanish/French/cookery? You need to put yourself out there more. Does your ex have the kids a couple of evenings per week? If not, then that needs to change. You can’t kick start a social life when you’re only able to get out twice a month

I've looked at meet up and there's not much locally. My job is good with development opportunity and I'm very lucky to have it because I had to do a significant change of direction when I was made redundant. It takes up a lot of mental energy, but it wouldn't be a good move to change atm.

My ex travels a lot with work and cannot commit to anything in the week 🙄

I was going to say yr xh should take kids every second weekend. Surely he doesnt travel for work at the weekend? Like my x your x has robbed you of your freedom. It is dispicable to leave somebody 100% responsible for 4 young kids! Or if not 100% with no freedom. If married parents parent together and that in theory is 50% of the sacrifice each then your x has robbed you of your share of your freedom and doubled your sacrifice.

My x NEVER takes the kids. Im 49. Ive accepted my life. But it is a huge thing to steal from somebody. My x is actually angry with me for trying to get maintenance. 🤪

I am six and a half years out of my marriage and I have not so much as been on a date. So viewed against that, I think at least you have tested the waters, so to speak.

I am also 100% responsible for the kids bar infrequent day time contact (there were abuse issues so I cannot agree to residential contacts, indeed we have been to court and it was not awarded). Even without that, there is not a way a resident parent can force a non-resident parent to have contact. Sometimes I think this is a way of continuing control, because I cannot go anywhere.

Maybe I am slightly different as the fall out from my marriage was so horrendous that I am only beginning to stick my head above the parapets. I barely have time to do what I want, let alone think about someone else.

At the same time, I do understand what you say about being alone and loneliness.

I guess I wanted to say at least you have been and are being proactive about things. That is a good start. I agree about the advice to do something you enjoy where you might meet people or join a pay for dating site. Good luck

Ex does do every other weekend. On the other weekends he often does travel, yes as it is international and often crosses a weekend. He pays maintenance, but we are not on speaking terms and is often unavailable in an emergency because he's away.

If there’s not much in your area on meet-up then that’s your answer. You need a new area! Can you look at a move? Move to somewhere with loads going on?

I totally get it.

Can you start sharing some household tasks out amongst your DC?

EG your 16yr old can cook dinner for everyone once or twice per week
Next youngest can be in charge of putting all shopping away from the online shop (I hope to god you're doing online groceries - if not you're sinking 2 hours into a pointless task)
Next youngest gets to be in charge of all the vacuuming
Youngest is now in charge of emptying all the bins

@Missillusioned

Have you thought about joining a pub quiz team? A lot of men frequent these and you might find someone in a similar position to youself.

Have you put the word out to your friends that you'd like to meet someone? They may not know anyone right now but you just never know.

It sounds as if your youngest will be at secondary from next september? I do think at that point things may feel a little easier. I certainly found the extra head space once primary school was over helpful. i do find exercise really helpful for my mood, particularly long walks and yoga.

I think you're most likely to meet someone through work so the fact that you're taking opportunities there is great.

Ive gone down the NSA route. A couple of them would have extended at least into short relationships i think but i agree it can be a bit bruising and I've slowed down for now.