Marriage ended 4 years ago - things still aren't right

[Missillusioned]

My husband left me for OW 4 years ago. It was a very bad time - I was made redundant at work just before and was very worried about finances.

4 years on and while I no longer want him, I do want someone. I know lots of people are happy to be single, but I definitely feel there is something missing in my life. I've tried online dating to no avail.

I recently had some interest from a man, but it petered out and I now feel even more alone.

I keep reading on here about people whose marriage ended and they've gone on to meet someone else and they're so much happier, but I can't seem to find that for myself.

I have dependent children and I'm nearly 50. It seems meeting someone is difficult. A lot of women my age no longer have dependent children and a lot of women who do have younger children are younger than me, so I am disadvantaged in the dating market.

I am still in reasonable shape for my age, but I'm not kidding myself that I'd be mistaken for 40 any more.

I've started to feel very angry that my ex has moved on seamlessly and I am left alone, increasingly lonely and at an age where meeting a partner is difficult.

I have friends, a job, I go out and I take my children on holiday, but there's still something missing. It doesn't help that I have no male relatives either.

I'm beginning to think there must be something wrong with me. My husband didn't want me and no other man seems to either. I know this is not a helpful way to think.

Can anyone suggest something I can try to either meet a partner or feel less empty?

I have a friend who is recently divorced and she is happy to be on her own for now. She tells me it is wonderful to be able to pick what food to eat, to come home to a empty house and not be bothered whether it is neat and tidy. She does miss the sex but there are always other means to get satisfaction. I quite envy her because my life is full of trying to make sure everyone is fed and have enough clean clothes and their road tax and insurance is paid as well as buying birthday cards and presents or just reminding them to buy a card or present - I have never been on my own since I was 16 and can't remember the last time I put myself first.

@Jesaminecollins i assume from what you say your friend has no dependent children? That's a very different prospect. I find I have even less time to put myself first than when I was married, as then I had another adult to share some of the domestic load.

Ex used to cook on the days he was home and deal with car and garden related stuff. He was also good at taking the children to activity related stuff, a lot of which I can't do because I'm not physically up to it, especially this summer following my accident.

In answer to some other questions - no I can't move area. The children need to remain at their school and I have a very short commute to work. I think if I put a longer commute on each end of my day it would be enough to topple everything!

Everyone knows I want to meet someone. They all know I online date. Most of my friends are single too (although without dependent children, so have more freedom) and mostly have given up on finding a partner. This is good from a social POV but does mean that there are no men at all in my social circle outside work. Although almost all the men I work with are married 🙄

Yes I online shop . My children do some household tasks if cornered like a rat in a trap 😂. I wouldn't trust any of them to cook a family meal unsupervised, although I am working on that and the teens can cook basic lunches for themselves.

My youngest goes to secondary school in September 2020. I must admit I'm looking forward to that, I am so done with primary school!

I know I'm coming across as negative. This wasn't always my mindset. When ex first left me with quite young children I had to get another job and sort myself out and I think I had a surge of adrenaline which tided me over and that has now worn out. I took a year without dating and then started off looking for a partner with a kind of naive enthusiasm which has now been well hammered out of me after time on the dating sites 😂

Being restricted health wise this summer has really affected my mood as I'm now acutely aware of vulnerabilities. For example I wasn't able to drive for a short while and this was very difficult practically as we have a very limited bus service.

You’re allowed to be negative on here! It’s a sounding board.
That’s the point! It’s not real life.

Have you thought about just taking a break from dating altogether and just trying to find a balance in your life that gives you some contentment. Hurting yourself and feeling vulnerable can bring up a lot of negative emotions. But you got through it!!

It just sounds like a load of bullshitty clichés but i would dig in to that desire to be with somebody. Is it a desire to be conventional? Is it actual loneliness? Is it fear of hypothetical loneliness in the future? Is it lack of bravery preventing you from doing stuff on yr own?

This stuff can be almost worked thru. I say almost because we are hardwired to connect and we cant hack our way out of that. But it is possible to connect with more people more easily when you have zero need for any interaction to be more than just that.

Not trying to tell you being single is great blah blaj blah but when you truly no longer hopeto meet somenody there is a shift that mak3s the future seem more exciting and less potentially lonely

@ 31RueCambon75001 - im not sure if it's just a natural drive in me, I'll try and answer your questions to see what you think.

Is it a desire to be conventional?
I would say not. I'm not worried about being conventional and in any case most of my friends are single and not looking for a partner, so among my circle being single is the conventional option

Is it actual loneliness?
Possibly. The children were quite good company when they were younger. As they reach their teens it's very much grunting behind a screen and it's quite lonely in the evenings and weekends. I can go out and do things with friends but I don't have a person to 'do nothing with' iyswim.

Is it fear of hypothetical loneliness in the future?
Maybe. But I'm experiencing non - hypothetical loneliness now.

Is it lack of bravery preventing you from doing stuff on yr own?

No. I don't fear doing stuff on my own. I am an only child - I'm used to it. But I find it less enjoyable without someone to share it with. Again as an only child doing stuff alone holds no novelty for me.

I miss intimacy with a man. Not just sex, but the smell of his skin, someone to put their arm round me. I absolutely crave it and I can't do FWB to get some of this as I know I will want more and get hurt.

Have you thought about doing something like couch to 5k - you really don’t have to be sporty . Surely your 16 year old could watch everyone else for 30 mins ? You could even do it in loops close to home .Hell I ran round the garden a few times . Running is really good for mental health and also for meeting people - your children could do park run with you at the weekend . In time you could join a local running club and meet new people in real life . Even if it doesn’t turn into something you love it’s a great provider of adrenaline as you gradually start to succeed

We can help you work on your chat OP 🙂.

You were married for a good while I assume and as you say, are conventionally attractive so developing a good personality rapour maybe wasn't ever essential for you?

It doesn't mean that you don't have a good personality, you just need to learn how to come across as captivating mentally as well as in your looks. But I would never say to you to change yourself to get a man. Just find that funny and endearing side within yourself, it will be there but hidden as you were hurt.

What sort of things do you talk about on a date? Are you also good at playing it cool?

Couch to 5k - I can't atm, I have a knee and back injury. I've been told not to overdo it for the next 6 months. I also have a very large bust and running has always been uncomfortable, even with a good sports bra. In any case locally running is a very popular activity for women, not so much for men. There is no way I would get my teens to park run I don't think.

@Missillusioned I know exactly what you are saying.

Being cheated on and rejected with disdain was the most traumatic event. I struggle with being convinced that I am unlovable.

So that makes me accept being alone.

What does MILF mean?

@AMAM8916 i was with my husband for 20 years. I never had to date as such and I probably am socially challenged.

I can do witty texting, men from outside my search area message me purely to congratulate me on my profile, saying its witty and funny and it's a pity they're so far away.

I do tend to attract a lot of the NSA sex boob men because my boobs are massive on a small frame and I can't hide them in pictures. This is not a plus.

But in real life I think there may be something 'off' about my manner. I don't know how to flirt, I'm overly direct and no, I can't play it cool if I like someone. I score quite highly on those autistic quiz things and I do wonder if this might be a factor. I do tend to struggle a bit with tone. Unless someone spells it out to me I can't read a situation. I always relied on my good figure to do the talking for me, which isn't appropriate as I approach 50 🙄

@ScreamingLadySutch MILF = Mother I'd Like to Fuck. What younger men call an attractive older woman. I get a lot of these men messaging

Resurrecting this thread as I'm using it to type out some thoughts

I have recently met in person a man I matched with on tinder some months ago. He has been pursuing me by text ever since.

I have previously resisted as he wants NSA sex, not a relationship. He is open about this. But he's gorgeous. And only 29. I may well meet him again, I'm very tempted. I'm wondering if the huge age gap will prevent me getting too emotionally involved this time.

Or whether it's a bad idea that will distract me from finding someone more suitable.

My colleague went through this a few years ago. She was early 50s and felt very much stuck and undesirable. She tried a few sites but spoke most highly of EHarmony. I guess ones where you have to do a bit of work and pay money are going to attract people who are looking for more than a hook up.

She met a lovely guy (on EHarmony), a widower who never had kids due to his wife's infertility. They live in a lovely big house and he has a great relationship with her (now young adult) kids. She wasn't interested in him at first because he is a few years older than her (not loads) and has white hair!.

So, in summary, not all sites are the same. Nice guys are out there. Be a little flexible. Good luck!

I have been fairly flexible. I don't discount men based on height, age, smoking, not having their own house, what they do for a living or how much money they have.

I don't date anyone who isn't single. Thats about it 🤷‍♀️

Sorry, wasn't saying you weren't being flexible enough. Just talking general principles. I get that it is hard.

Have you tried any of the more relationshippy dating sites? Any chance of letting the guys at your work know you are in the market (for their single friebds/brothers)? Or is that just too cringey?

Oh and I know one person who had a great fling with her son's driving instructor, and another who is engaged to the (previously) single dad of one of her kids' schoolfriends. So maybe kids aren't always a minus in dating...

I've tried Match, but it didn't seem much different from POF.

Everyone at work knows I'm looking. I chat about it with people in our department. There is only one single man. I've already been out with him (although noone else at work knows about that) 😂.