If I were to leave my husband, how would I survive?

[Touchtheground]

I really think it’s a possibility as we just don’t seem to get on. We are both older parents to a 20 month old. He is always so bad tempered and hates everything, I just don’t know if I can put up with him going forward, we just don’t ever seem to have those fun romantic times, and this is from before our dc was born so I don’t think it’s down to that as he adores her but it doesn’t help that he never gives me a break from having her either.

Also I have gone right off sex, I assume due to age, even though I have had a baby at a later age it was by IVF so not sure if it’s that combined with obviously he isn’t attracting me anymore as he’s rarely nice to me and never engages with things I’m interested in.

How would I cope if we split? I didn’t return to work after having our dc but he works long hours in a secure job, we own our house which is being renovated and a flat. I know the obvious answer is to sell but the house needs finishing and where the flat is isn’t ideal for children. Any work I could get would be wiped out by nursery costs, I just can’t see how I’d do it now. Prior to having my dc I worked since I was 14.

A few ways.

Firstly see a solicitor to determine what to do next and discuss mesher orders with them. You should be able to get a free initial consultation regarding divorce and the financial side of things including solicitors fees. You may need to save or borrow a decent amount to get yourself started on the road of fee's and renting etc.

One way is a mesher order so you stay in house and he pays mortgage til dc are 18 and then the place is sold. Tax credits if needed for topping up income and paying a percentage of nursery fees. Universal credit, Income support or JSA if you need help looking for work.

Or - go to refuge, you eventually rent and receive housing benefits, tax credits, universal credit or whatever... until all assets split when divorce id final. Plus maintenance from him. Immediately put your half to a deposit for a house, hopefully you'll be working by then and can get your own mortgage.

Or

save now for deposit for renting a place. easier if you are working as if not you need a rental place that accepts 'dhss' Rent it and move out. again tax credits/UC cover you until working or top you up if a low earner. Then you have a leg up to owning your own place and getting a mortgage when marital home is sold and split.

Benefits are a safety net to cover you while things work themselves out. a tough road either way but I did it the third way and couldn't be happier. Hard work for 7 years but I was free and happy during the financially harder times and all is good now.

There's no hint of OP needing a refuge . Being grumpy and not getting on isn't necessarily abuse. It's not like refuge places are plentiful and there are women in danger who actually need them.

Op, losing your libido may be down to having a small child and, let's face it, your dh isn't exactly going to float your boat if he's not nice to be with.

Speak to a solicitor about your options. Go back to work.

Speak to a solicitor.
See where you would stand on separation.

Speak in depth with your DH and tell him exactly what you have told us.
That you can't take it any more and you want to separate.
See what his reaction to that is.

he adores her but it doesn’t help that he never gives me a break from having her either
You need to take control of this one.
Go out tonight.
Leave him to it.
Tell him you will be back at 11pm / in the morning and it's up to him to sort out HIS DC.

You need to seek legal advice I think.

Going on what happened with a few of my friends, you will be expected to support yourself long term so my friend was told she would need to get a job and increase her hours as the children got older. But unless you end up with 50/50 care which sounds unlikely here, he will have to pay a certain amount each month, my one friend gets the mortgage paid instead of child maintenance for example. However judges do now seem to expect both parties to be able to house themselves so mersher orders don't always happen these days.

I am by no means well informed here so it may be worth posting on legal advice board for people with actual knowledge on this stuff. Also be worth finding out what his pension is worth etc

I'm not surprised you don't wants ex given how your husband is behaving. Get some legal advice and use a claculator such as turn2us to see if you can get any benefits.Could one of you use the flat as a base to get started again from?

Seriously? You own two properties and you wonder how you’d survive? There are woman who walk away with the clothes on their and start from scratch. Get a grip, get a solicitor and you know living in a flat is far better than the streets!

Get legal advice! Btw, there are no more tax credits. All new claims are Universal Credit.

Thank you all except for bookworm, (it’s not a competition you know to who is the worse off) yes we own 2 properties, well have a mortgage on two not because we are rich but it was the practical option to moving at s time of s dead market, anyway....
I asked because having worked all my life until Mat leave I didn’t know how you go about it with a young dc as I can’t afford nursery if I’m not working, can’t afford to work, but I think that seems sensible to speak to s solicitor for advice to start off with.
I have told him before how I feel but he rarely takes any responsibility for how he acts, I know I’m not perfect either but as I get older I just want a nice happy life with nice people in it.

Please see a solicitor and find out what your entitlements are - then take it from there.

I'm sorry it isn't working out for you.

I asked because having worked all my life until Mat leave I didn’t know how you go about it with a young dc as I can’t afford nursery if I’m not working, can’t afford to work

He will have to pay to support his son and this can be court ordered. You do not have to pay for it all yourself. Lone parents these days have to find a way to afford to work because now with Universal Credit the days of generous benefits are long, long gone. It's a good thing you have not been out of the workplace for long. My first suggestion to you after seeing a solicitor is to see a career coach, get your CV in order and start looking for work. Unless you have a good settlement, it's probably not possible to be a SAHM these days and certainly not on benefits.

On an affording nursery front, if you are working but also claiming universal credit, they pay 85% of the childcare costs back to you a month in arrears. It does take the sting out of the nursery fees (and makes it possible for me to work!!). Also don't forget about the 30 hours funding from age 3, that helps a lot.

@timeshelthechoice it is possible to survive on benefits. I did it for 3 years, I went back to work in 2017 when DS started school. It's not the nicest way to live and it's hard work but it is manageable if you go without luxuries and learn to budget. It's difficult if you have multiple children with the 2 child cap now in place but it is certainly doable with just one.

The problem is, if you own property or end up with savings from the sale of the property you won't be eligible for certain benefits. It is probably best to get legal advice.

50:50 custody and he therefore pays half the childcare costs?

I'm afraid I'm with bookworm and think your response to them was quite rude!

I managed after splitting from ex and had no money, no property and no real support network.

I put in a claim for benefits (which is still a possibility for single mums with children under a certain age) and set about finding a job which luckily I did fairly quickly - but it was a better economy then and not the employers market it is now, although as you've not been out of the market long you might be ok.

You say childcare costs would wipe out a potential wage, have you taken all factors into consideration? Have you checked what benefits you would still get if working and using childcare on the online calculators that are available?

You also need to remember that childcare costs especially at the highest cost point, are temporary and getting back into work sooner rather than later not only means it will likely be easier but also means you'll be back building your cv/career, acquiring the benefits of longer service.

What exactly makes the flat so unsuitable for you and DC? Is it REALLY unsuitable even as a temporary measure? My dd has almost always lived in flats as do many children. Doesn't do them any harm.

All that said I wonder if all your excuses "explaining" why you can't leave are really due to you not at heart wanting to leave? Are you hoping for a reconciliation?

If so then you need to be proactive in achieving that, no you can't do it alone but you can instigate change.

Resentment, hormonal fluctuations, low mood, sleep deprivation/tiredness can all damage libido.

Is it possible you have low level pnd that isn't being addressed? Is your husband open to counselling, parenting classes and making the necessary changes?

Nobody has to stay in an unhappy marriage, but equally relationships go through ebbs and flows especially after major life changing events like becoming parents and when there are "external" stressors like refurbishing a house and it may not be the case the relationship is definitely over.

Lots to think about

it is possible to survive on benefits. I did it for 3 years, I went back to work in 2017 when DS started school. It's not the nicest way to live and it's hard work but it is manageable if you go without luxuries and learn to budget.

Under Universal Credit, it's sometimes nigh on impossible even without 'luxuries' and 'learning to budget' and this is why foodbank use has risen dramatically in the past couple of years since it's been rolled out more and more. It's really a last resort these days because it's very easy to be sanctioned and for the payments to get screwed up if you work.

As the OP owns property and hasn't been out of the workforce for long, however, it's entirely possible to avoid UC entirely.

Thanks all, lots to start on and to think about. Still not sure why the fact we/I ‘own’ a property means I can’t worry about money? For the pp asking why a flat is unsuitable, it’s not the flat as I’d only ever lived in flats until recently it’s the location which is 80 miles from where we are now and in a more expensive property location. Yes, it could be sold but we still wouldn’t be mortgage free!

Why would you have to be mortgage free?

OP, do you have any family support? Is you H the same on holidays and with his friends?

First 2 years of children is tough but it does it easier. I would start with small steps, get back into training or work. See a solicitor and work out possible scenarios. It is always tough to separate but ultimately it is possible. Life style will be affected but you can survive.

I would get back to work even part time. It's not good to be financially dependent on your dp if things are rocky. The childcare should be paid by both of you. If it's really not affordable, are there any qualifications you can do online or evenings to improve your prospects?

U.C would look at second property as capital.

I also don't understand the need to be mortgage free or why it's being 80 miles away etc is an issue.

Am I missing something?

You get a job and childcare near the flat, 80 miles isn't even a major issue for your child's contact with their dad.

I think it would be wise to get as much information as possible. A split would put masses of pressure, particularly on you, as mums often take the biggest sgare of childcare. If you are absolutely clear you want a split, it can be done. On the other hand... it sounds to me like you have become really disconnected and have gotten into a rut none of you know how to come out of. It doesnt sound like theres real alarm bells going (abuse...)and maybe the relationship can be salvaged even if it looks like mission imposible at the moment. Long term relationships often get to that breaking point a few times throughout the years. Think if your family is worth saving, dont jump to the split without exhausting every other option. Try counselling or read some books, theres a lot of help out there to not only fix a marriage but to actually create a better one (how to save your marriage in 3 simple steps by lee baucom is quite an interesting read). People feel at a loss and stuck and trapped and jump to divorce as if theres no other way but the implications of it are massive. By all means if you are clear on divorce inform yourself and go for it, but dont jump the gun if there's any shred of hope there. Sending love

I think it’s really hard now days really consider carefully before you do anything.

It’s really rubbish that once you have a mortgage and kids it’s not simple to leave a relationship you are unhappy with.

If you have any equity you won’t get any benefits.

Also consider another tricky thing for mothers now is that many on here say the husband won’t get 50/50 child care but I have seen it happen many times in recent years. Fathers are pushing for it as then they don’t have to give you any maintenance/housing as the child is with them half the time.

Another one is if the fathers career is one he can go ‘self employed’ with they can also fiddle how much they earn to avoid paying CM again seen this in real life play out.

Good advice to speak to a solicitor first.

Orange, barring abuse, why on Earth shouldn't a parent have 50/50 custody of their child or children? Pretty sexist that men or the government are supposed to financially support women who voluntarily stopped work to look after kids, and 50/50 means parents are equally able to work. It's very common in other countries to go 50/50. People should be responsible for their own support. The moral of these stories is to never become financially dependent on someone else - male or female.

I don't see why the government should pay out benefits to people with equity in a property, either. That makes no sense that working poor single and childfree people, who are also usually not eligible for much in the way of benefits, should pay out to someone who's sitting on equity in a home when more and more people will never be able to own one at all, much less two of them.