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Original poster

Should I be suspicious of this mans intentions?

28 replies

ChippyPickledEggs · 26/08/2019 23:12

There's a bloke I know who's part of a weekly group I attend. I've never had all that much interaction with him. I'm not all that keen on him really.

But he's re-training for the same job that I currently do and recently asked would I go for a coffee with him to give him some tips and information. I was slightly Hmm about it because he's married and I wasn't sure what his agenda was but gave him the benefit of the doubt. It's tough to retrain as an older adult and I definitely had some info he could use.

About an hour before we were due to meet for the coffee in a smart local hotel, he texted to ask if he could buy me lunch too? Lunch there would have been very expensive, a time commitment I wasn't prepared to make, and I was already slightly unsure about meeting for the coffee. So I said a polite no thank you, I had already eaten.

We had the coffee and actually it was fine. I didn't get any sleazy vibes and he talked openly about his wife. I shared the info he wanted and all seemed appropriate. But he's recently texted again asking for another meet up so that he can return the favour and help me with some marketing for my business. Now to be fair I did say marketing was something I struggled with and I'd be happy to get some tips. But I didn't say anything about physically meeting up again. As far as I was concerned, it was a one off.

Is he just being nice or is this dodgy? I'm not in any way interested in him. I wouldn't be even if he was single - he's just not my type. I don't want to give him the wrong idea, and I don't want to put myself in an awkward position. Am I being overly cynical or is he fishing?

OP posts:
user1471504234 · 26/08/2019 23:17

Hard to say but maybe he just offered to buy you lunch as a thankyou for your advice and time? That may also be why he is offering help with your marketing.

miaCara · 26/08/2019 23:23

He may be being nice and trying to thank you for your help in his endeavours.
I wouldnt say you are overly cynical but there is no problem in keeping a watchful eye on these unusual connections. You havent asked for this mans attention .

Holymoly0 · 26/08/2019 23:29

It sounds to me like he’s just being friendly and returning the favour for the help you gave him. I’d go along and see what happens. If he is trying it on then just politely tell him to back off.

Original poster
ChippyPickledEggs · 26/08/2019 23:31

Ok cool. That's reassuring. He hasn't given any signs of trying it on so perhaps I'm just being a bit hypervigilant.

OP posts:
Fizzysours · 27/08/2019 07:11

I am very cynical but would be suspicious and shut this down now. Unfortunately, we all know just how many married midlife crsis saddos are out there, it is very hard on the decent men to be tarred with the same brush, but I for one tend to mistrust any married man who wants any extensive one to one private dialogue... too often it's fishing for extra marital shenanigans :(

category12 · 27/08/2019 07:19

If you don't want to meet him, don't. Why would you? Surely he could offer marketing suggestions by email or whatnot if he wants to help.

He probably is leading up to something.

ThanosSavedMe · 27/08/2019 07:27

Wow. Anyone else feel sorry for this guy?

He asked for advice, didn’t give any off vibes over coffee and has now offered you advice in a area you said you struggle with. Maybe he’s just a friendly, helpful kind of person. Not all men are monsters.

YouJustDoYou · 27/08/2019 07:29

Why can you not just talk over email? Surely the advice can be communicated that way?

KeepStill · 27/08/2019 07:32

None of this seems remotely ‘suspicious’, but obviously if his offer of marketing help doesn’t appeal if you need to see him again and don’t want to, then just tell him you’ve got it, but thanks.

But then one of my closest friendships started with a cup of coffee with a (male) colleague. We’re both married, but this never occurred to me as relevant.

Chitarra · 27/08/2019 07:38

I think that you don't really want to meet him again (whether or not he's hitting on you) - is that correct, or have I got the wrong end of the stick? If so, don't feel that you have to meet him out of politeness or whatever. Just say no thanks.

Beautiful3 · 27/08/2019 07:52

I would take his help. He hasnt given off any werid or sleezy vibes. So Why not?

cantfindname · 27/08/2019 08:07

You know.. this is actually called 'making friends'! You can't go around assuming sinister undertones from everyone you meet casually. You said you already knew him as part of a group so he isn't a total stranger. Chill out a bit, he has asked you for lunch not to go and 'see his etchings'

spongedog · 27/08/2019 08:15

At the moment this all sounds OK and professional. You have clear boundaries and know what they are. He is discussing his family.

You have helped him (thank you for doing that - you are correct it can be harder for older adults returning to work and retraining. I had many conversations with men and women about my change of career. Certainly not hitting on any of them.) and now he is returning that favour. I would meet, take the help on marketing and re-assess.

category12 · 27/08/2019 08:15

But she doesn't particularly like him, so why should she "make friends"? If he wants to return advice, he can message her. No need to meet up.

Ilikethisone · 27/08/2019 08:33

Personally I think he is more networking than anything else. Going into a new industry, it can often be helpful to get to know someone in the know.

OP, if you dont want to meet him, dont. But I dont think this is anything more that just helping eachother out for work purposes.

Hoodiesallsummer · 27/08/2019 08:36

You don’t have to meet him out of a sense of obligation. Email or talk on the phone if you are more comfortable with that.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/08/2019 08:42

That's kind of how networking goes - you give something up (your time) the other person is supposed to reciprocate in some way. Remember, he wants to work in your industry or job area, so he's hyper-keen to make this connection reciprocal.

Nothing wrong with saying 'that would be super-helpful but I've got so much on this week, can we do it over Skype to save on travelling into town' though.

KeepStill · 27/08/2019 08:46

You know.. this is actually called 'making friends'!

Yes, this was my immediate response. There's something very depressing about being automatically suspicious of someone making an overture because they're male.

Now I get that the OP says that she's not keen on him, as is obviously her right, but later on in her post it sounds as if it's the fact that he's married and asked her to give him some professional tips is what is making her not want to meet him, and given that he's done nothing at all to suggest he's trying to seduce her, it seems to me unmerited.

OP, if you can disentangle your dislike of him from his marital status, that should clarify. If you really don't like him and don't want to meet him, then just say you don't need marketing tips, or suggest he emails you? Otherwise, if it's actually useful, I don't see the issue. Two coffees do not a friendship, or an affair, make.

xoxoluna · 27/08/2019 09:05

If you're not comfortable with meeting him, then maybe a phone call? Surely he can help you with the tips over a phone call.

Hopoindown31 · 27/08/2019 09:54

Sometimes in business the people who can help you solve problems and give advice are of the opposite gender. If you are suspicious of every man who may be able to give you some hints and tips you will lose out.

northernlites · 27/08/2019 10:00

You have had no bad vibes of this guy
He talks openly about his relationship
He has been professional
He is returning the favour

It sounds like networking to me

Take the opportunity

If he shows any impropriety at your next meet, just says it's strictly business thanks

But he has given no cause for concern so give it a chance, he may be a help for your marketing

OhHimAgain · 27/08/2019 10:04

If he can help you then I'd meet him but just be aware and leave if anything is said that crosses the line.

Banangana · 27/08/2019 10:06

He's networking.

Ariela · 27/08/2019 10:13

If he was a she - isn't that exactly how you'd expect a woman who has accepted your help react, by offering reciprocal help.?

JollyAndBright · 27/08/2019 10:18

I agree with PP I think he sees it as a bit of networking.

If you can benefit from his advice i would definitely go for the second coffee.