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Original poster

Has he really changed, or is this just an act

41 replies

Whenthestormends · 26/08/2019 20:14

Cut a long story short, ExP hasn’t ever been the most supportive or nicest partner. 6 years and it’s always been about him, moving at his pace, living where he wants, doing what he wants.. putting me down insisting they were jokes and never support me, even more so after I had our beautiful DD 11months ago. With no support around me he was it and he just bullied me and didn’t help at all, all of which led to me getting PND. Anyway I plucked up the courage to leave, along came the threats of lawyers and how it was all my fault and that I had planned to take ‘his’ child all along. A child which he was never hands on with in the slightest, despite his threats I stood firm. Now he is he behaving like a saint, saying that he misses DD and I, interacting for with DD seeming to genuinely take an interest.. but here’s the thing is it all just an act? And even if it isn’t would I be a terrible person for still not wanting him back ?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 26/08/2019 20:16

You've done the right thing. Would you want your DD in a relationship with a man like him? Don't go back.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 26/08/2019 20:46

Yep, it's an act. Designed to get you to come back. As soon as he is sure you are recommitted to the relationship, he'll go back to his old ways, but worse this time to punish you for trying to leave.

And you know what? Even if it isn't an act, and he really has changed, you still don't have to go back to him. You are allowed to end the relationship - if he has had a massive personality change, then great, he can still be a brilliant father to his DD.

But he hasn't changed. Its an act. Don't fall for it.

Ilikethisone · 26/08/2019 20:50

Yep it's an act. I went back. Had another child. It got worse until breaking point. Then he got counselling and got worse.

I have been left a few years. I look at my ds and I am so glad to have him. But wish I hadnt gone back. I was broken when I left. My son is the one good thing that came of it. I wish I had made a different decision but wouldnt turn back time and not have him, if the offer came up.

Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2019 20:51

Of course its an act. Vile human beings don't suddenly turn into decent ones over night (or ever really).

Limit your contact with him as much as possible.

Original poster
Whenthestormends · 27/08/2019 13:07

No I wouldn’t want my DD to have that sort of relationship, id hate it, part of the reason I got out. Having said that I would love for her to have you know the traditional having her parents together etc but know I cant do that without risking my happiness and MH, still it’s a thought I struggle with daily and with her Dad promising he is now different it messes with my head, just as I think ok I’m good and on the right path I get flooded with doubt.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/08/2019 13:13

He's an abuser.
He's lost his 'victim' - his whipping boy.
He wants that back.
He doesn't feel the same when he can't be a bully and in control and knocking someone's confidence.
Don't allow him to do that again.

YES it's an act.
Don't fall for it.
You don't need him or his abuse in your life.
Abusers DO NOT change.
He is 'hoovering' you back in - google it.

Don't doubt yourself.
You did the right thing for you and your DD.
You have to look out for her now.
Are you living where you want to live now?
Do you have family or friends around to support you?
If so then speak to them.

flipperdoda · 27/08/2019 13:19

It's an act - but equally to answer your other question, no it wouldn't make you terrible to not want him back even if he had changed.

Follow the advice you would give your daughter if she were in this situation Flowers

MMadness · 27/08/2019 13:49

He’s playing you like a fiddle. Don’t falter. The best thing you can do for your daughter is stay strong and continue on as you are.

He wants to be involved in her life? Great. Let him. But not yours.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 27/08/2019 13:50

Total act.
Prick.

Apileofballyhoo · 27/08/2019 13:52

Act.

Mabelface · 27/08/2019 13:55

He'll revert to type soon enough once he realises being nice isn't working. You've done the right thing, you just need to keep doing it to protect you and your child.

Hidingtonothing · 27/08/2019 14:05

The point is you can't possibly know, not until it's too late and you have experienced (and DD has witnessed) more abuse. And even if it never happens won't you always be waiting, analysing his behaviour and watching for the signs? Not sure I would choose to live like that, especially as you have already split and built a new life for yourself and DD. I think it would be a backward step and you should be going forward, without him Flowers

FuriousVexation · 27/08/2019 14:10

Of course its a bloody act. Surely you dont know us to tell you. Trust yourself.

Pinkbonbon · 27/08/2019 14:28

You'd be risking her happiness and mental health too. Sooner or later (usually once they are old enough to feel shame) the abuse and manipulation starts on them too. Living in that environment 24/7 is horrible, as you already know.

I'd look up scapegoat vs golden child. As it may be relevant in future. Usually it is about siblings and how the narcissist pics a favourite and one to sh*t on and plays them against each other. But it can also be used to play mother off against child too.

Ounce · 27/08/2019 14:32

I would love for her to have you know the traditional having her parents together etc

In order to have all that, you really need a bloke who's on the same page. And your exP just isn't.

category12 · 27/08/2019 15:10

Totally an act.

HeffaLump1 · 27/08/2019 15:16

What indication do you have that he has really changed OP?
Has he been to any classes/counseling or similar that he can prove?
Has he shown over a long period of time that he is different?
If not then you know by your asking that it is an act. He will revert to type and punish you for accepting him back

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/08/2019 16:15

It might be worth getting legal advice re being the resident parent for your dc too.
If his name is on her birth cert then he could easily take her for contact and refuse to return her...forcing you to take it to court to get a court order....which can take time - all of which can be used ti prove how 'settled' dc is with him.

Don't trust him at all.

RLEOM · 27/08/2019 17:50

My ex caused my PND. I left him 3 months after our DD was born and he's been an awkward, controlling twat ever since!

Stay strong and keep moving forward. You know you deserve more.

Original poster
Whenthestormends · 27/08/2019 19:30

I know he couldn’t change that quickly, the last therapy session we had together was over a month ago and he told me he wanted DD to go into nursery very soon so I could and I quote ‘have time for myself and keep on top of the flat’ I took that as time to look good and put on make up and to tidy so I don’t have to do a thing. Don’t think those ideas just pop out of your head. Really do think it’s more taking responsibility for how DDs life will turn out now because I have left him, but it’s the same if I stayed with him I’d still be thinking what if this messes her up.. every choice I make. Just got to do what I feel is best, look after DD and make sure she knows she is loved and the rest deal with as and when instead of living on what ifs.

@RLEOM, took 3 months of him grind me down and by then I just didn’t have the energy to leave. Good on you for realising so early on and leaving. I wish I had.

OP posts:
LaBelleSauvage · 27/08/2019 22:31

There are men out there in the world who are not ever abusive, and who will be so supportive and kind that you never even consider cruel behaviour a possibility.

Don't gamble with someone who has shown you what he can be.

Take time for yourself and your daughter away from this creep. Some day you'll meet someone who is kind and thoughtful and great for you both.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/08/2019 03:59

You are having joint counselling with an abuser????
That is never recommended.
Your counsellor should have picked up on it by now.
Stop the counselling.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 28/08/2019 04:21

It’s an act as everyone else has said. He’s trying to sell you a dream (your dream of a family), but the reality is he’s an abusive arsehole who will only get worse if you go back.

Why are you doing joint therapy with him? Please stop this immediately and secure your own individual counselling (preferably with a trained counsellor in abuse). He probably is spinning you a line of “let’s go to therapy, and work on our issues’ but it’s bullshit. It’s just to manipulate you and use a clueless therapist to justify his awful behaviour.

Keep contact to a minimum (email), have a third party around at Handover of your daughter and do the freedom programme.

I will say this, at least you are questioning his actions and even have said you don’t want to get back together.

Keep strong

Original poster
Whenthestormends · 28/08/2019 07:24

I stopped the counselling after that session. I realised at that point that he’ll never hear or try to understand what I am say or just doesn’t want to. In his mind what the issues I have and so far from what they’re and dispite me telling him this and the counsellor too he still didn’t want to listen, so I just said I wasn’t doing it. Done the whole emailing situation but he kept calling and one weekend had no one to hand over that’s when he got in with the I love yous and the things that I said were because I was hurt.

Do I think it’s all an act, some parts yes, I believe he wants me back but for that to be on entirely on his terms.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenthestormends · 28/08/2019 07:29

And exactly what @Hidingtonothing said, even if it isn’t an act I’d be waiting for that all to change.. constantly on guard. I couldn’t love someone like that

OP posts: