Has he really changed, or is this just an act

[Whenthestormends]

Cut a long story short, ExP hasn’t ever been the most supportive or nicest partner. 6 years and it’s always been about him, moving at his pace, living where he wants, doing what he wants.. putting me down insisting they were jokes and never support me, even more so after I had our beautiful DD 11months ago. With no support around me he was it and he just bullied me and didn’t help at all, all of which led to me getting PND. Anyway I plucked up the courage to leave, along came the threats of lawyers and how it was all my fault and that I had planned to take ‘his’ child all along. A child which he was never hands on with in the slightest, despite his threats I stood firm. Now he is he behaving like a saint, saying that he misses DD and I, interacting for with DD seeming to genuinely take an interest.. but here’s the thing is it all just an act? And even if it isn’t would I be a terrible person for still not wanting him back ?

Massive red flag even on its own:

"putting me down insisting they were jokes and never support me,..."

If I had a Pound for every time this happened to me with the ex, I'd be a millionaire by now. He also appeared to have changed, told me he wanted to improve himself, be a better man for me.... I even dated other guys after leaving him for nearly two years! But went back..... he was so sad and regretful, said he was so afraid that he had lost me.... within a few days he was insulting my legs, my cleaning abilities and telling me I needed a Brazilian butt life.

Abusers never change. Wave good riddance.

I meant a Brazilian butt lift LOOOOL

Oh and all those comments I also apparently misunderstood him, he was ONLY joking, no he NEVER said that etc etc etc

Horrible abusive behaviour. You can never have a normal family life with this type of person because they are not mentally healthy. They are sick and you cannot fix it. Leave and don't make the mistake of exposing your child to this toxic atmosphere where his mother is disrespected, otherwise he is going to learn that. And you will end up a shell of your former self.

Don't be another statistic. These should be happy, fun years with a growing small child and a loving supportive father. Abusers rarely give a shit about children and see them as objects that reflect how great they are. Male abusers are often just sperm donors. A few I have known do nothing, pay zero maintenance and don't even see their children for years. They don't care, they're only interested in one thing. Themselves.

The sooner you see that and really understand their selfishness, the faster you will excise him from YOUR life which is for YOU to live on YOUR terms.

There ARE kind men out there. Loving, supportive men who love their wives and children. He clearly doesn't. The hardest bit is realising they are incapable of REALLY seeing you... and that they don't REALLY see their children either. You will never be truly seen , heard or validated. They truly make shitty partners. Get rid as fast as you can is all I can advise before he wears you down so much that you start to believe the shit sandwich he's feeding you while he smiles and wants to be a better man.

Absolutely an act to suck you back into be his cleaner, whipping boy.

No father is 10 times better than an abusi father.

You found the strength to leave an abusive prick.

For goodness sake DO NOT walk back into that situation.

Go back to contact by email.

You can do this OP.

www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics

Thank you for the link @Gemma1971, he is seeing our DD today and just going through these behaviours.

Yesterday he text saying how he doesn’t want to hassle me but has been placid and it isn’t helping. Didn’t know the treat of lawyers was being placid. Now onto the ‘look I love you, look I want to get past this, I’m missing DD grow up, your family shouldn’t see more of DD than me (we are currently at my mums until I get a deposit for a home). No one to hand over today so I’m just trying to prepare for what onslaught.. the last time this happened I was strong but today I just have anxiety

Also with the you’re acting like I mistreated or abused you

He cant keep the act up for long, can he? People who like you don't treat you like this.
I dont know anyone who has made a massive change in their life by just waking up one morning and deciding they will turn over a new leaf. It always takes a massive event or intervention of some sort, followed by long term intensive counselling and CBT.

What a wanker.

Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong.

Exactly what I was thinking, if someone really loved you wouldn’t they just say ok you don’t want to be with me because I’ve behaved in such a way so I’ll step back. Instead he is saying no I love you so you need to come back despite how you feel because it isn’t fair on DD and it isn’t healthy for us and I do want to work on us and think you do too. Ok I get he misses DD I completely empathise with that, my heart would break, but he never thought about me when he was treating me so poorly. And I can’t have DD thinking mummy gets treated like x so I guess I should too.

Urgh just feel sick at the moment.

So, he wasn't the best partner for 6 years and you stayed with him to have a child? Making yourself forever tied to him.

People can and do change...but sometimes it's too little too late.

Instead he is saying no I love you so you need to come back despite how you feel

Ask him why your feelings are not important if he proclaims to love you.

I suspect he's fed up of doing things for himself and wants you back under his control.

because it isn’t fair on DD and it isn’t healthy for us

And was the way he was treating you healthy for you?

Was the way he treated you, how he would want your DD treated?

I said in my previous post that ppl can and do change, but he doesn't sound like one of those people by a long shot.

It's still all about him.

You stayed 6 years too long, but you're out of it now... better late, than never.

@SandyY2K DD wasn’t planned and the result of failed contraception.. don’t regret her for a second though even though it means having this man in my life now forever. Having said that I have moments where I wish I left him every time I was planned to even before she was born, before I knew I was pregnant.. I just I didn’t value myself enough. And now I say daily I deserved more, some days it takes longer to sink in than others.

And it’s the feeling I get, it’s all about him.

It is all an act.

Never go to counselling with an abuser. They will lie through their teeth and make out that you are the unreasonable one, and get the counsellor on their side.

Go to counselling on your own

Why are they so convincing though?

Because he's shaken your confidence and continually denigrated you so you don't trust your own judgement.

Because you want to believe him and for it all to be alright and what it should be.

Because he knows which buttons to push and how to appeal to you.

People can change, but it takes time, a long time and soul searching. For some - growing up and maturing.
And certainly - accepting responsibility for the past....

He probably got some advice from others - friends or lawyers and is behaving accordingly.