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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this flirting

51 replies

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 26/08/2019 19:43

So you are out shopping. Your dh is at one end of the shop, but still in view.
You turn round to then see a woman older than him laughing and taking a hat of your dh. He claims he didn't know her. I watched them for five minutes then went over. I said is she flirting with you, do you know each other? She looked at me and walked off.
My thoughts- if she was genuine she would have apologised.
Apparently, she gave him a sob story that she needed a hat for her dad and could he try it on to see what it was like. Whilst I was watching them it did not look like that too me. ESP with the larking about.

Am I overthinking?? It just made me angry and I don't know why. Thanks.

OP posts:

Ilikethisone · 26/08/2019 21:29

'm sorry to hear what you've been through. It's not always like this. I don't know why I felt like this today

I understand that. But it doasnt matter how regular it is. I started cringing and blinking people if they spoke to me, just incase today was a day he would act out.

How often it happens doesnt change its impacts.

I am not going to call you names, berate you etc. I dont even do that to my ex. Theres no point imo, it wont change anything for you and wont make it better for anyone.

You sound Incredibly unhappy. But it really is no excuse. The way you talk about this woman 'sob story's and 'she did apolgise' she had nothing to apologise for. You were rude.

What about women your dh works with, or female friends. Are you also convinced they fancy him as well?

Counselling only works if you keep at it, think about what's cone out of it and keep moving forward. It's easy to slip back into bad habits.

You need to change something. Because just reading your few posts here you sound miserable and I cant imagine your husband is any happier.

Hadjab · 26/08/2019 21:30

@simone1863 kindly fuck off. I don't recognise you as a regular poster

That’s not how this works, it’s a public forum, anyone can post in response to your question.

I feel for your husband...

WinterHare · 26/08/2019 21:35

Am I overthinking?? It just made me angry and I don't know why. Thanks.*

Ugh, anger and jealousy is not the same thing as over-thinking. Seek profession help before you drive your partner away.

MNHQ

ClaraMumsnet · 26/08/2019 21:36

Hi, can we have a bit of peace and love, please?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 26/08/2019 21:42

Im the first person to be up in arms over innapropriate behaviour but to me this genuinely looks like a bit of harmless banter. He had nothing to hide from you.
Ive been both the jealous person and the receiver of the jealousy / mistrust and neither is a pretty place to be.
If he hasnt given you a genuine bona fide reason to distrust him, then just trust him or it will only wear you down. Hope you are ok x

KurriKawari · 27/08/2019 00:13

If starts talking to him is he supposed to say "go away, I cant talk to you?" What if the lady was asking him directions?
Also say here try on a hat I want to buy for my dad, shows you that she saw him as a "dad" and not a young, hot, fit guy.

GreenPillows · 27/08/2019 00:49

I’d run away if I were the other woman too. I’d probably run away thinking ‘wtf just happened?’

baileys6904 · 27/08/2019 01:09

This is controlling and abusive behaviour, in afraid. If it were a man saying it, there would be absolute uproar. It's good you recognise that you are angry and I would love to know if you can tie it back to specific events in life or if you've been let down or just problems in your relationship. How have you been in previous relationships? Is it a common theme?
At the end of the day, even if some woman came up and blatantly flirted, who cares. Your hubby is your hubby for a reason. Its whether he chooses to do anything about it.

Please get help. It cant be nice going through life so mad at the world.

Thingsdogetbetter · 27/08/2019 07:04

Have you considered he is different with you than he is with other people because he is walking on eggshells with you waiting for your next burst of 'confrontation'? Saying you're not always like this is not good enough. He must spend his entire time waiting for you to be irrational again. Saying the therapy only works for a short time means it does work, you just can't, or won't, maintain it. To me it seems like you think your behaviour is not your fault. You want to blame a stranger 'flirting' with your husband for your irrational rudeness. You want to blame therapy 'not working' for reverting to previous behaviour. You don't know why you're being like this today is not an excuse to behave like that.

If you getting angry at a poster because you don't recognise them as 'a regular' and they say something you don't want to hear is what you are normally like you need more therapy long term and to take responsibility for your actions rather than leap to anger management as another 'therapy' to absolve you of that responsibility.

Ilikethisone · 27/08/2019 08:11

OP, I looked at your posts, to see if there was some background

There are so many posts about how much dislike your husband, he is boring for example.

You arent happy. But, I believe, womt end the marriage because that will mean relinquishing control. Someone posted about how terribling controlling there were. You posted and said you were the same and had counselling. This was several months ago. I suspect your counselling didnt work, because deep down you dont want to give up that control.

The other thing that jumped out at me was that you have posted several times he has no friends, lots if posts of how multiple women that work with him blank you and you think they fancy him (it's more likely they are aware of your behaviour).

It's clear from your posts, that you are controlling and paranoid you also say he recently admitted he has an anger issue. I wonder if that's true? Or is it anger at the result of being in a terrible relationship. Lots if posters here talk about they have ended up being angry and verbally lashing out at their abusive partners. The abuser the uses that as proof that their victim is actually to blame. Could that's be what going on?

You are so controlling, I am not surprised he is different with other people. That what happens when you are controlled. You arent yourself with your partner, but can be elsewhere.

I very much think, for you and him thos marriage should end.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/08/2019 08:13

My dad and me are very much like your dh. I can be in a shop and get someone's life story before reaching the top floor on an escalator. I'm very social and people obviously pick up on that and talk to me. Your dh situation could quite easily happen to me with a complete stranger

FlyMayBe · 27/08/2019 08:24

You need help, OP. You will drive your poor DH away.

LamotWamot · 27/08/2019 08:32

OP, you sounds abusive and frightening.

That story reminded me so much of my ex, that when I read it, I could almost feel my stomach turning over, the way it would have been if a man started chatting to me in a shop - knowing my ex DH had seen.

He is not your possession ! Your DH is allowed to talk to whoever he likes. If someone does flirt with him (and it sounds like here he was just talking) then he is allowed to decide how he feels about it. If he wants to flirt back, he is allowed as well.

You do not get to own another human being. And decide who else is allowed near it.

But, you won’t change. Abusive people rarely do, because they won’t admit what they are. Or they will admit a tiny bit that doesn’t sound so bad: “Okay, so I have a bit of a problem with anger but I am working on it, blah blah”. All absolute bollocks.

Oh, and feel free to tell me to fuck off. That is usually an effective way to deal with someone who says something you don’t want to hear, I’m sure.

Doyouavocado · 27/08/2019 08:33

You literally walked up and said is she flirting with you? Could she hear you? Wowza.. what do you expect her to do besides walk away?

Agree with @simone1863

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2019 08:43

Poor bloke. Don’t go around confronting randoms in shops, it’s weird and unnecessary.

People often flirt with my very lovely very handsome husband. He genuinely never notices but I consider it a pat on the back personally. I get to go home with him! I don’t go berating people. This doesn’t sound like flirting either and sound like you have some serious issues and it’s your job to handle them.

Original poster

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 27/08/2019 08:46

None of you know me. I have had a SHIT year. I have been diagnosed with breast cancer had an operation and you accuse me of being abusive. I'd better get ready for going to my apt. The other week my dh threw a load of my stuff for a car boot out on the garden because he didn't want it in the garage and you say I'm the one whose abusive. What a bloody joke.

OP posts:

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 27/08/2019 08:50

This book is absolutely brilliant. Completely different to any other book I’ve read on this sort of subject (and I’ve read loads!):

Overcome Neediness And Get Love You Want

LamotWamot · 27/08/2019 08:55

@Thatsalovelycuppatea - having cancer and an operation is shit. It doesn’t mean you are not abusive though and it is not an excuse for your behaviour towards your husband.

We all have shit going on, all the time. But unless you have a neurological illness that affects your cognitive ability and results in angry outbursts... it isn’t an excuse for angry or abusive behaviour towards the people around you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2019 08:56

None of us know anyone else OP so can only go off your posts. I’m sorry you’re having a tough time but you are displaying abusive behaviour and you posted about the incident in the shop, not what happened with your garage or your diagnosis or operation. If you want support on those things then start another thread. Your responses to people on here are very aggressive and unpleasant and if that’s what he’s putting up with regularly then I’m with others feeling a bit sorry for your husband.

Ilikethisone · 27/08/2019 09:02

@Thatsalovelycuppatea you have admitted that you are controlling on other threads. You a⅕dmit your behaviour here.

Your dh may not be a saint. I am not saying that. It's really tit for tat. He took you stuff and put it in the garden. Poor behaviour. Had it been there long.

You are having a shit year. That doesnt mean it cant be abuse.

What you did in this situation was rude, embarssing, controlling your dh and how her interacts with other people and quite nasty.

There maybe reasons why you act like this. But it's still abuses.

PP12345 · 27/08/2019 15:38

I’ve had this, a lady asked me to try on some sunglasses for her. Only the one pair out of hundreds on display, made a comment about them not suiting me, then walked off.

Mermaidsinthesand · 27/08/2019 19:28

Your DH must be Brad pitt if he got women wanting to drop their knickers for him outside a shop
You disrespected your husband infront of someone and disrespected the woman in question.
You seriously need to grow up asking online if this was flirting give over!

Ginger1982 · 27/08/2019 19:30

Drip, drip, drip....🙄

MissFloof · 27/08/2019 23:22

It was just a friendly conversation. You are allowed to feel what you feel however it seems like it was completely innocent, I think you would benefit from talking to someone x

Witchinaditch · 28/08/2019 07:55

Who cares? She’s a random in a shop that you will never see again. Maybe work on why you feel so insecure rather than fixing on this non event.

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