Need Mum to get a life!

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. My dad died nearly 5 years ago leaving mum alone. To start with me and my brother did lots for her as you would in those circumstances - having her over for dinner every weekend. Taking her away on holiday, etc. It has now got to the point where she makes no effort to have a social life at all and expects to be included in our weekend plans. Every. Single. Weekend. Of course we want to see her but we work hard all week and sometimes you just need a weekend off. How can we encourage her to make her own plans and be a bit more self sufficient? If we don't plan anything for her she makes us feel guilty that she's going to be home alone all weekend.

Not harsh at all. My friend desperately wishesthe same thing, to take the pressure off her.

I tend towards the plain speaking: "Mum, you really need to start sorting your own social life out, it's not healthy for your life to revolve around us. How about...." and have some suggestions whether it's join a choir, getting an allotment, volunteering, whatever aligns to her interests.

Does she have friends?

How old is your mum?

She's 72. Has a few friends but more like old work mates and doesn't really make an effort to see them. She's still fit and well so could potentially join a walking club or something - have suggested that a few times but it never really lands.

Can you go on the walking group with her the first time, can you say, me and dh are doing something this weekend

Could do.... she's just in this rut of expecting to be entertained every weekend and I don't know how to snap her out of it.

My MIL comes round every weekend on a Sunday - generally our "down" day. But she is a "mucker in" and helps out with stuff that needs doing and doesn't get waited on - we made it clear from the start of our relationship that "family" just get on with it.

Easy enough to do stuff as the 5 of us as it is the 4 of us. We go walk the dog on the hill, out to the wildlife park, sit watching Minions for the 10th time, and have a roast dinner - stuff we would be doing anyway

Why is it a case of "entertaining" her? Why can't she be included in your plans as family? What are you doing that she could not just naturally be a part of? Or is she horrid?

She's not horrid, she can just be hard work. She talks at you rather than having a two sided conversation. I just resent the assumption - this year we didn't invite her on holiday with us for the first year in ages and she managed to convey that 'she didn't expect to be invited every year' whilst simultaneously showing how upset she was and making us feel guilty. I just want her to have a bit more independence, that's all.

What does she do all week? Is she sat doing nothing all day?

If so I’d take the focus away from the weekends and have a general chat about you being worried she’s becoming isolated. That it seems she only interacts with people at the weekends and you think she needs to make an effort to do more things with other people. Tell her you’ll help her look for clubs etc.

Meant to add, I know that doesn’t solve your weekend issue, but the more she interacts with others, the happier she will be and hopefully she’ll have other things to do at the weekend.

Other ideas are WI club if you have one local, if she/you are on F/Book some towns/villages have area pages suggesting meet ups etc. My local area has a fair bit going on, ideal if you don't work.

Also charity shops may have voluntarily roles.

She arranges to do stuff during the week - gym/shopping/cinema/walks etc (with sisters in law) but deliberately leaves weekends free.

Hmmm, a difficult one. Have a few "pretend" (couldn't think of a grown up word lol) 🤦🏼‍♀️ outings arranged with your friends or say the kids are on sleep overs so you and your man are having a date weekend/night.

Oh wow this is my situation although my dad died 11 years ago.
She expects to be entertained every weekend, i dread every weekend now as if she doesn't get to do something she has the hump with us all.

My children are getting older now and me and dh would like to spend sometime together but we dont.

I sympathise

@flippyflapper it doesn't get any better then?!

You need to have a tactful conversation, explaining that every weekend and holiday is not sustainable. Then book in time for when you do want to see her for the next few months. If it's affordable, I would also consider a family weekend away as well as your main holiday in the future, so she still feels included, but you

To me seeing (my) family once a week doesn't seem onerous - if it is that you want weekends without her, can you invite her round/out to eat/down the pub one evening - then say it was nice to see her but you are busy this weekend?

Try and switch it up a bit, so it is not always a weekend day she gets to spend time with you. (yes.. time with you is prized, she wants to spend time with you, you are her child, she lives alone and is probably lonely for someone close enough to share her daily musings).

The holiday thing you just need to put on a hard hat and book what you want when you want. (whether with or without mum)

Sorry to say no it doesn't, she has just got worse and expects us all to drop everything. If i go to friends she comes, if ee go on holiday she comes, you name it she is there

Take back some control.
Think about what you want to change? Are you happy to see her,but less often or for less time?
Having someone over or going to their house can become a rut of doing the same things.
Can you do something more active like go for a walk, or include something like shopping for food so you have to drop her off and then leave (food for freezer).
Don't get trapped into being guilt tripped! My MIL is recently widowed and having been used to seeing her a few times a year, she's now expecting lots of contact from DH. He's happy to visit fairly often (she has moved nearer) but not as often as she would like now. We are resisting the hints and sighs.

Thanks, some good advice there. Am still fuming over a comment she made yesterday about getting 'her room' back when stepson goes to uni. Feel like she's planning to move in! Used to have her to stay overnight before DH and stepkids moved in but don't want to get into that again!

Please just tell her.

My grandma used be around a lot - which we loved as kids.

But also we spent a lot of time at her house so mum and dad could go out.

You need to find a way that suits you.

It is completely disrespectful to 'expect ' to come every week end.

And she probably gets invites from others for weekends activities but says:

'Oh no I can't make it as I'm visiting op'

I ended up getting a sunday job when in your situation op!
is that something you have also considered?

Sounds suffocating. I love my mum and MIL but don't want to see them every weekend and have that fixed in place. I want weekends as relaxing time with DP and kids. Even it mum/mil tag along with whatever we're doing, sometimes we just want couple time with the kids.. it changes the dynamic when someone else is there.

@EleanorReally I work in a high pressure senior role Mon - Fri, ain't no way I'm taking another job just to avoid seeing my mother! Interesting suggestion though!

You could always alternate with your brother? So every other weekend to start with. Then between you sand your brother wean her down to a weekend each each month, then every six weeks etc,

I think there is no way out of this without honesty op. The hard thing sometimes in life is having to accept the truth will cause hurt feelings but will still need to be said

Just because she will be upset if you speak a bit plainly it's not a reason to keep hiding how you feel. She isn't thinking of your feelings at all.

Say that you and your partner's marriage needs private time at weekends and you want her to develop a social network as you worry about her relying on you

Start making plans at weekends and just tell her you are busy. Think of what you could cope with in terms of visits and try to get her to see that this will still be positive and enjoyable for her.