Need Mum to get a life!

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. My dad died nearly 5 years ago leaving mum alone. To start with me and my brother did lots for her as you would in those circumstances - having her over for dinner every weekend. Taking her away on holiday, etc. It has now got to the point where she makes no effort to have a social life at all and expects to be included in our weekend plans. Every. Single. Weekend. Of course we want to see her but we work hard all week and sometimes you just need a weekend off. How can we encourage her to make her own plans and be a bit more self sufficient? If we don't plan anything for her she makes us feel guilty that she's going to be home alone all weekend.

She sounds just like my MIL! Every time we do something she conveys her displeasure at not being invited. It goes straight over my head now but DH feels the guilt she wants to put on him. She even gets SIL, who lives hundreds of miles away, to act as an extra voice to put a guilt trip on us. When with us she's a control freak, obsessed with time and money. She wants to be the centre of attention and doesn't have any self awareness that she's becoming more and more unbearable to be around. The icing on the cake came recently when she moaned that my adult DS didn't pay her enough attention at my DM's funeral and moaned that we'd hardly seen her in the run up to DM death. I think it's amplified with me now because my DM was the opposite. I can't bear to be around her at the moment.

This situation will not improve unless you take control of it, as others have said. It sounds suffocating and will become destructive as she gets older, as her expectations will increase with age. You must decide what you want to happen and then take steps to ensure it really does happen. Well done for holidaying on your own, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever for her to be accompanying you on a regular basis. Be strong, you sound like an exceptional daughter who is doing far more than many others would. But decide what it is that you want and then ensure that you take steps to achieve it. Take action now because sadly this situation isnot going to improve unless you do.

So you are talking about 1 weekend in 2 as your brother shares the load? It's hardly a lot is it ?

You can’t say to her “sort your social
Life out”. I’m a widow in my late 30s and I’m literally at a loss now with socialising because my husband isn’t here. We hardly did anything together but the way you think about things completely changes. I also find it hard now to even go out - thankfully I have children so they put me in social situations but all my confidence has gone. Please be mindful of
These things when you talk to your mum.

In reality she expects to see us both on a weekend. Sometimes we will do joint stuff, sometimes separate. So no, it's not really one weekend in two. It's the expectation which I resent. And the holidays. She's coming away with us next year but that's it then as DD will be 18 after that and probably not coming with us any more so it would be weird her coming with my & DH. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with expecting a parent to be a little independent of her kids but some of the responses are making me question myself!

Regarding holidays, I think one with grandparents/parents/kids is nice - we used to do this with my PIL once a year. But, I would not have offered this once the kids were older.
I have sympathies for parents who through one reason or another do feel a bit lost or lacking in confidence, but you can't live your life through your kids. You have to let go.
Time spent with adult family members is great, but not if it feels like an obligation or chore for some of them.

You have my sympathies OP. My DH is an only child and MIL had been single for nearly 40 years! She doesn’t live very close, so her visits are for 3 days/2 nights every 3 weeks and they’re intense. What annoys me is that the dates are set in stone almost. She also wants us to confirm our Christmas plans by June each year and has only just booked her main holiday for this year as apparently she was waiting for us to tell her if she was invited on ours (which she wasn’t and we’re going away this week!).

It’s quite draining. We’ve got young DDs and MIL isn’t particularly helpful with them and it is actually like having another child when she’s around. She wakes up a lot later than the rest of us and takes an age to get ready (very irritating when you’ve got small kids who have naps and mealtimes that aren’t very flexible). Then she always wants to do planned activities to expensive places like farm parks or national trust etc. And we always end up paying for everything.

Not quite as burdensome as your every weekend arrangement, but just wanted to sympathise and get that off my chest haha. It’s more of a burden for me than for DH, as he escapes to the garden or the roof or study or whatever other spurious excuse he makes up to get time alone during her visits and incessant chatter 😆

Maybe you can invent some urgent errands for the time she’s there, so at least life continues in a way. I’m going to try that. But knowing my luck, she’ll want to come too

@lightskies that sounds like a nightmare! And you've just reminded me that whenever we go out for lunch/coffee or whatever she always expects me to pay! Very irritating.

I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with expecting a parent to be a little independent of her kids but some of the responses are making me question myself!

Don't doubt yourself, that's a very reasonable expectation. It's clear from your earlier post that your mother is perfectly capable of organising her social life during the week (so her situation isn't the same as widowodiw above which I do sympathise with) but, for whatever reason, she chooses to impose on you and or your brother at weekends.

Lightskies Why does your DH, her son, get to escape while you don't!?