Please help me unbreak my marriage

[HalyardHitch]

I'm dreading September. I go back to work (four evenings a week 4pm-9pm) and dh goes back to uni (he works and studies during the day, lectures are two weekends a month, on the day I don't work midweek he is home after bed time). We have a one year old and a two year old.

The gulf between us is so vast. I'm resentful of the lack of support. But I think it's me and my issues just feeling alone and abandoned. Dh is fed up of me getting grumpy with him that even valid issues he shuts me down and gets annoyed. I don't think I'm good at expressing myself.

I just want to spend my evenings away from him watching telly upstairs. This to me is a scary development. I don't want to lose my husband.

I'm fed up of life, exhausted and just can't see the wood through the trees. My marriage won't last much longer if we don't do something

My husband and I have started counselling for pretty much the same thing, OP. It is helping. It takes commitment and a desire from both of you to want things to change and to work together for a future as a family though. We have been together for 17 years and both of us have things we need to work on. You can’t take credit for all the negatives.

We've been out this morning. Hardly said two words to each other. He keeps reminding me how much admin he has to do. He's now gone for a nap while the boys sleep. I just feel so alone and sad

Counselling also helped us with a similar situation. It made us realise that we'd focused too much on the kids and not paid enough attention to each other. The counsellor recommended some Gottman podcasts which helped us see that we had got into negative ways of speaking to each other.

It does take both of you though. It was DH that suggested the counselling for us and it was a bit of a shock to me tbh, but once we started talking I realised what a big gulf had developed between us and we're working on spending more time together, speaking more kindly to each other and more physical contact. It also made us realise that little resentments can build up and over time wear away at your marriage.

I'm hoping we can keep it up and not drift back into negative patterns.

That sounds really good. Six months ago I asked dh to see a therapist. I had an initial appointment - I'm still waiting for him to have his. He hasn't even booked his yet. Once he's had his first appointment we are supposed to go together. I feel really rejected - like I'm not worth it

How do you think he would feel if you left him with the kids? Just a taster....

@ Justilou1
I hate these sort of comments- It shouldn't be a competition to see who has the more stressful situation, which will creat a more hostile environment alround
Instead of trying to be clever you should say swap roles and you can both have an idea understanding of the stresses each other faces.

To the OP- I think your breakdown in communication is the first thing that needs to be solved. If you have the time and money a therapist/counselor will help. This will hopefully lead to better lines of being able to talk to each other, but also in a less stressful and more open environment.
It seems you both have a lot on your plate, working together, with an understanding that simple things/changes can help the other will help.

Could you just read out to him what you've written here? X

I’m not making this a competition. I’m saying that she had already removed herself from his life. She is as lonely as she can possibly be, is begging him to get involved and he does not seem remotely interested in connecting at all. He hasn’t put in a call to the therapist and he has no idea what life as a single father is going to be like if she leaves him properly.

Oh, and he is allowing her to carry 100% of the responsibility for the breakdown in communication, despite this, and he can’t even be bothered to go to counseling?!?! Doesn’t seem very fair or very likely.

He has the boys alone on the evenings I work - so four evenings a week. He puts them to bed on his own most nights. But he will prioritise spending time with the boys over housework. Or will cook dinner and tidy up but let them cause havoc. He doesn't seem to be able to balance both.

I find it hard to say anything as he never complains. I'm "allowed" to go out as many evenings as I want, as many weekends as I want, etc. (I say allow because of the usual "tell your husband he's only allowed to play football one evening a week").

I think there's a love language difference. He is a "dooer" - he will cook, clean or decorate. I prefer chatting, cuddles, hanging out, etc. He's more avoidant attachment. I find that very upsetting and stressful. I feel very rejected when I can't talk to him because he's focusing on cooking dinner (for example).

I really hope he books to see the therapist. He only needs to see her once and then we can both go together

I think you tell him you're at crisis point, that you need to get going with the therapy and that things need to start to change or you're not sure you can carry on. It needs to sound like what it is though, you asking him to help save your marriage, rather than a threat or ultimatum. How you put things across can be crucial when communication has broken down.

It is going to depend on him wanting to fix it though and if he fails to respond when you're clearly at the end of your tether you probably have your answer. This is going to take both of you to fix and if he won't try then you would be wasting time and energy when you could be building a new life for yourself

He's done it! He came home from work tonight and has booked a session with the therapist for thursday evening!

That's great OP! I really hope that means he's realised he's perilously close to losing you and is prepared to fight for your marriage. That sort of happened to my DH, we'd had problems (mainly with communication) for years and I was losing hope we would ever be able to fix them but it was like he just suddenly grew up and started talking and listening properly. It's made a huge difference, it's taken 18 years but I finally feel like we're solid, and happy

No one can tell you whether this can be fixed, but at least if you're both trying you'll know you did everything you could to save it. Good luck

Yay! That’s fabulous news!!! Can you tell him how that makes you feel? (In a positive way of you can?) It’s a great move!!!

OP - I hope counselling helps you both. But i also hope you don’t think it’s the place to fix your H.
Reading your description of what your H actually does and your reaction to how he is - it appeared to me that it’s not only him who is responsible for how you feel. I think it’s also on you and how you are.

For starters - you are at a difficult stage with your kids. Two boys of that age are hard, heard work. And you two have your lives full with your work and his work/study.
I think you are being unfair and/or expect the level of perfection that is hurting yourself and your marriage.

• He is with the kids 4 evenings a week. And he’d cook and clean up and put them to sleep. And he priorities the kids over making the house look tidy every night.

I am sorry - but how is that something to be so unhappy about? What is better for your kids - an engaged father - or obsessive putting away of toys every night. You need to think of what’s important to you and where your priorities are.

• You feel rejected when he is cooking and not able to chat to you? Again - not exactly his issue - it’s yours. I also don’t like to lose focus when cooking, and it’s not personal.
• He is happy for you to go out and see friends. And you complain about that?

It is possible that you have issues in the marriage. But it’s also quite likely that you two have been shocked bu the arrival of two kids in a quick succession. And that you are different in your household maintenance / kids rearing approach. And just plain tired. BOTH of you need to look into how you do things and how it can work better.
And both of you need to look at the other and see what you can do better to meat each other’s needs.
For him - it’s to make you feel less alone/rejected/etc. But he also gets to have needs - and you must ask him if you are meeting his, just as well.
It goes both ways

@MMmomDD thank you so so much for your post. You've really given me food for thought. I do know I'm at fault. I'm snappy and stroppy.

I don't want to pull out the "wifework" phrase but here's what happened this morning...

Me - up at 6.30. Coffee, tidy, dishwasher, laundry, make boys pack lunch, make boys breakfast, wipe walls in living room, Hoover downstairs, dress boys, tidy up after breakfast, dress and wash myself.
Him - get up at 7.10. Coffee. Tidy away tools. Coffee. Shower. Get dressed. Go to work.

I did wake him at 7 and ask for help. And admittedly I did extra cleaning and tidying because I have a new client coming to the house tonight - he knows this. He's also staying at work late tonight so will be in the door as soon as this client arrives. I'm just tired and resentful. I can't turn that off and make myself be friendly at the moment.

I genuinely just think his "needs" are to be left alone to do what he feels is important. Ie i have the boys while he does some tiling, while he naps, 'does admin', goes to the DIY store, cleans the fish pond. As long as I have responsibility of the boys so he can get "stuff" done he's happy. But he won't do that during the boys naps, he'll have his own nap during that time so yet again I'm on my own with the boys (remembering that in September he will be back to being away 2 weekends a month).

Also, I think leaving food all over the floor, table and chairs.in the living room and rice cakes all over the kitchen floor for when I get home at 9pm is unacceptable when the boys go to bed by 7.15

Look, OP, as I said people can be very very different in their opinion of what’s important in household maintenance.
Even the Queen’s visit would not make me get up at 6:30, wash walls and vacuum. The Queen would just be shown my two little children and understand the drawings on the wall are temporary.
I would spend 15min just before her arrival to hide away the obvious mess.
All of this is to say - what you think must be done and reasonable - can be viewed as obsessive and over the top by someone else.
I am not a morning person and would not be happy to be woken up with demands for cleaning.
However - if we worked as a team - some cleaning could have been done after 7:30 when kids went to bed......

You do sound very tired and like you can’t see the forest behind the trees.
It’s not a war to teach your H how to maintain the house to your standard.
I get that there are extremes - and if you ALWAYS come home to food thrown everywhere - that is not quite fair and acceptable.
However if it’s an occasional situation where kids were particularly difficult - it can happen. And is OK. Because it’s not a norm, but a one off.

I think you are doing yourself and your relationship a disservice by saying all his needs are is to be left alone to parent/live as he wants.
It’s very unfair and shows that you don’t see him as an equal adult partner in this.
It seems that you want things the way you want them and aren’t interested in really knowing what he feels and wants.
And - I have a feeling you feel that he is exactly like that - not listening and not caring about you. Yes?
So - hopefully in counselling you can talk and listen to each other.
It shouldn’t be a session where you list his housekeeping faults.

All I was trying to say before - is that it takes two. You too will have to listen and look at yourself.

I think I remember your previous posts - is he the one doing lots of extra (unnecessary) work for his course, and the weekends away aren’t compulsory?

@MMmomDD I am listening and taking your comments on board. Thank you. I agree, it's definitely not just him.

@EllieQ I do think he's doing extra, he says not. Weekends away are compulsory though

I'm so worried that tonight at therapy he's going to decide to dump me

I recommend you read "how to save your marriage in 3 simple steps" . Its an easy read but helps you put so much into perspective. Itd be useful if you could put yourselves in each others boots (you can always do that even if he doesnt) . It takes one person to start making positive changes to aid stale routines to shift. It sounds like none of you has completely thrown in the towel yet and that means you still have hope. Do some reading around it. I found it really useful as in these situations the way we feel makes us behave in ways that actually achieve the opossite of what we want (staying together in a happy relationship). I was shooting myself in the foot so much before going all out and reading all the relationship help i could find. I can say that we took a turn for the better pretty fast and we ere still getting better. (We came to a point where we just said maybe we just need to separate as we were living like flatmates and arguing over petty stuff constantly. )
Theres so much you can do to amke things better , and with luck he will follow suit.

@HalyardHitch don't laugh, but two things I really, really recommend:

1. an attitude of gratitude - look at all the GOOD things in your life
2. a 12 steps programme (take the focus off what he is doing, and on to the one person you can control - yourself)

As someone who is divorced and really regretting that, I look back on the things I could have done: I failed to see that his language of love was service. That when he was doing my tax return or putting oil into my car, he was saying 'I care about you'. I tried to change him. Who the hell did I think I was? If we can't change ourselves, who are we to try and change another person? I also failed to keep a hold of my own identity and even when he objected, I failed to stay calm and say 'I hear you don't like it, but that is what I have decided' and stick to it. I whinged and whined.

He was really difficult, but there is a lot I could have done different. That's on me.

I am sort of saying what @Livelovelearn1 is saying, aren't I?

@ScreamingLadySutch yes! Exactly that! Im very lucky i think ive caight it on time.
I was all over the place and he had clocked out if the relationship. He just couldnt pretend anymore and could not see how it could ever be back to the good old days. I lost my sh*t, i felt my world was crumbling. And i was doing all the wrong things like constantly bringing up the "relationship " talk and ending up gettin upset etc... we were stuck in a rut. It just got to breaking point as i was due to go visit my family and it felt like that might be the last time i saw him as mine.
I started reading like a maniac and applied the things i learnt. Did things for me. Pushed all problems aside , started talking to him (on text and phone) as i used to years before. Sending jokes, being silly. Our relationship had become really awkward... but it slowly started working and he would reply back in the same way. There was very difficult times where i thought i was giving myself false hope and it wasnt gonna work but i pushed through and before the end of my 3 week trip he said he was joining me and that he loved me and we needed to make it work. We literally have gone back to how we used to be in record time, he is constantly telling me beautiful things and bending backwards to make me happy. Its not over until its over and so much can be done.
@HalyardHitch im dreading monday as well as we both go back to work in very stressful long hour jobs and fear we may fall into the same old routine with work and kids but i swear i feel ive learnt a lot about how to deal with situations and appreciate things. I really would recommend you google some bits up on saving your marriage.

He's at therapy tonight. I'm going to follow your recommendation and do some reading while he's gone.

He said he's going to therapy because he doesn't want us to be over. I'm excited by that in a way. I think we can recover.

It might be crazy but I bought a chinmea in the sale today and a bottle of wine as a surprise for him. I'm hoping he'll want to sit out and talk later