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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wants to move back after affair!

59 replies

Alc1411 · 26/08/2019 07:01

Please help, i am at a loss. I have just gone through breastcancer treatment. I was diagnosed in Feb and am now finished my treatment. Halway through my DH told me he didnt 'fancy me' anymore and wanted out of our marriage.
After 3 months of dealing with this, and his denial there was anyone else involved, it comes to light he had started an affair in January.
Needless to say i asked him to leave, this was on Thursday, now he says he is entitled to stay in the family home and is coming back!
I am just at a loss, i have a 17 &13 yr old who are completely devastated by his behaviour, and the thought that he thinks he can just come back and live here, until we sell the house....which i have not agreed to...is beyond me. Hasnt he hurt us enough.
I really dont know what to do, has anyone1 got any advice

OP posts:
rosedream · 26/08/2019 07:05

You could ask advice on legal as well they may be able to help.
I really wouldn't let him back in if you can avoid it. It would not be helpful to your children. Has he no morals or thought for others at all ?
It shows you did the right thing asking him to leave.
I'm so sorry this has happened at such a frightening and difficult time of your life.

NabooThatsWho · 26/08/2019 07:10

What a complete prick!
You need legal advice ASAP.

Originallymeonly · 26/08/2019 07:22

Really sorry to read this. My ex husband did similar, he moved out for 2 weeks and then came back for 9 months on the spare room floor until the financial hearing for our divorce.
I had a lock on my bedroom door and I used grey rock technique. It was very unpleasant but if he was a nice person who behaved decently you would not be in that situation in the first place.
See if you can find a lawyer for the legal aspects.

RushianDisney · 26/08/2019 07:33

Oh OP that is really really shitty of him, there's no way I'd be letting him back. Get a solicitor asap. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this Flowers

MouthyHarpy · 26/08/2019 07:34

Well, if he moves back in (bastard), you do not do ANYTHING for him. No cooking, no laundry. Do not include his food in your family shop - just act as though it’s you and your DC. Act as if he’s not there.

PaterPower · 26/08/2019 07:36

I’m not a solicitor, but I’m pretty sure you can’t stop him. It’s shitty of him but if he’s not been abusive he has a right to access and live in property he shares ownership of. You can’t legally change the locks or lock him out.

My exW cheated on me but refused to move out, so I know exactly how you’re feeling and I’m sorry for you for how you’ll be feeling. Try and live as separately, within the house, as you can manage.

howdyalikemenow · 26/08/2019 07:49

God what an arsehole. Poor you.

Idontwanttotalk · 26/08/2019 07:55

I know it will be difficult but maybe the attitude of the DC towards him will soon make him change his mind.

I hope you don't change your mind about him. That was an awful thing to say to you at such a difficult time in your life. I wouldn't be able to forgive that. The normal response from a partner would be to support you. He's certainly shown his true colours.

Take legal advice and don't let him bulldoze you into putting the house up for sale. Even if you are named on the mortgage, if might just be double security to go to Land Registry's website and complete an HR1 form to register your Home Rights. This will prevent him from trying to sell out from under you. If I remember correctly it is free to do.

Try and concentrate on taking good care of yourself and your children. Getting back to good health should be your priority right now.

Obviously don't share a room/bed with your husband and, if he has to sleep on the couch the maybe he'll move out more quickly.

beccarocksbaby · 26/08/2019 07:56

He has the right to be there but most people aren't that large a prick.

Grey rock. Protect the kids. Protect yourself. Set very vey firm boundaries on what and what isn't acceptable and don't let him push them. Carve out space for yourself.

Sorry he's being such a dick

Original poster
Alc1411 · 26/08/2019 09:05

Thank you all so much for your messages of support. I already have a solicitor who has advised me i am not overhoused so the chznces of him forcing a sale are slim.
He was previously in the spare room anyway after he first told me he didnt want to be married.
I am just dreading him coming back, and would never forgive him. What he has done is despicable, i cannot believe he would want to be in the house with us.
I am going to try my best to keep strong and dignified for my DC.
By the way what is the Grey Rock treatment? Xxxx

OP posts:
Footle · 26/08/2019 11:00



Footle · 26/08/2019 11:02

That was supposed to be a link to the grey rock technique. Anyway you can google it.

Miljah · 26/08/2019 12:22

Grey Rock

timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 12:26

What a fucking twat he is! Grey rock and I hope the kids are, too. Have you applied to divorce him? Hope so.

MadeForThis · 26/08/2019 13:00

How traumatic for your dc. Hopefully he sees sense and leaves again. Is he still with the OW?

Gemma1971 · 26/08/2019 13:04

Sounds like OW hasn't worked out. This happened to a friend. He tried to move back in but she was able to stop him as she was renting through the local council.

Maybe you could put the house up for sale and get your own place? Lord knows if he moves back in he may never leave. That would be horrible for you and awful for the children. Talk about messing with their poor heads. I bet OW has realised he's a twat and kicked him out.

Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2019 13:09

'F*ck no you total pig' would be a start.

But if he owns half the family home then you should be looking to sell...? Its a sad thought I'm sure but surely preferable to letting him move back. He obviously thinks he can pick right up where he left off.

I hope you have told all family and friends exactly what he did as part I'd the reason he wants to move back may be to save face as most people will think 'surely he couldn't have done what we've heard or she wouldn't take him back'. I'd tell everyone what he had done and that he had the utter lack of shame to want to move back. Hopefully peer pressure would help keep him from coming back at least until you can get sold up. He's counting on you not doing that,but you should as you have no reason to feel ashamed, he does.

If its entirely your home though, change the locks and have his stuff sent to his mums, as he has no right to move back in.

Don't take any crap.

Alfiemoon1 · 26/08/2019 19:25

I agree if you can’t legally stop him moving back in don’t do anything for him carry on as if he isn’t there. Is he still with ow? Sorry you are going through this

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 19:36

you can't legally stop him moving back, but he also can't legally stop you from boxing up his belongings & sending it to his parent's place & changing the locks. Possession is 9/10ths of the law. If you make it difficult for him, he may well realise you are serious & not to be played with. Pretty sure if he argues this legally he will just come off looking like a grade A loser, who is antagonising a cancer sufferer. Do whatever it takes to show him he would be wise to give you a wide berth out of respect.

As others have said, it hasn't worked out with his OW so this looks like his easiest option. Make it look more difficult & he might not return.

milliefiori · 26/08/2019 19:43

I agree with @prawnsword. Make it difficult for him. Change the locks. Pack up all his stuff. Put the house on the market. This will be traumatic for DC but it's traumatic anyway. The sooner you are legitimately in your own home with them, the better. Start looking for an affordable place near to their friends and school. You've had a hellish time. I can't believe he didn't stand by you during cancer. What a horrible, weak, spineless, lower-than-low piece of shit. You deserve not to have to put up with him daily.

tma1968 · 26/08/2019 19:43

fuck the law id change the locks pronto, what are they gona do? send you to jail? i doubt it. send his stuff his mothers. what a wanker?

tma1968 · 26/08/2019 19:54

and i also had BC in 2016. finished treatment in 2017. im fine and as strong as i ever was. hair back, life back. onwards and upwards. fuck him the little prick, if you can get through chemo you can get through anything. Love and Hugs X

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 19:54

...and to be clear > it's only because the of the kids here that I even suggest boxing up his belongings at all. I would honestly have everything he owned not of value destroyed. Any belongings of of worth would be discreetly placed in a storage unit & sold anonymously online for extra cash.

What a disgusting piece of shit. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 20:12

I have re-read your OP. This is what I now recommend:

  • change the locks.
  • pack up all his belongings
  • go on social media & announce what he has done, everybody possible needs to be aware he has left you during cancer. email family & friends to advise that you are consciously uncoupling due to the fact your husband somehow missed the "sickness & in health" vow & has decided during your time of need was the ideal time for him to get a new girlfriend
  • Call him on a private phone number > let him know locks are changed, everybody now knows exactly what he has done, his belongings are either 1) burnt or 2) currently in transit to mummy's house & if he knows what is best for him he will stay well clear of you & the property.

Make sure the phone call is on a private number. I predict if you do these things he won't probably won't try to come back, because he may be scared to.

tma1968 · 26/08/2019 20:43

@prawnsword Yes! this is the way forward!