Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wants to move back after affair!

59 replies

Alc1411 · 26/08/2019 07:01

Please help, i am at a loss. I have just gone through breastcancer treatment. I was diagnosed in Feb and am now finished my treatment. Halway through my DH told me he didnt 'fancy me' anymore and wanted out of our marriage.
After 3 months of dealing with this, and his denial there was anyone else involved, it comes to light he had started an affair in January.
Needless to say i asked him to leave, this was on Thursday, now he says he is entitled to stay in the family home and is coming back!
I am just at a loss, i have a 17 &13 yr old who are completely devastated by his behaviour, and the thought that he thinks he can just come back and live here, until we sell the house....which i have not agreed to...is beyond me. Hasnt he hurt us enough.
I really dont know what to do, has anyone1 got any advice

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 26/08/2019 20:55

@prawnsword sounds great in theory but I don't believe legally the OP can change the locks. Unfortunately her DH does have rights to live in the matrimonial home despite his behaviour.

PicsInRed · 26/08/2019 20:58

Prawnsword, love your style. 🎉

I changed the locks. Know what he did? NOTHING. Course, I was willing to have him formally excluded by the family court if necessary and told him so.

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 21:52

Re lock changing - The OP says he moved out on Thursday so the natural step would be to change the locks. Yes, technically if he gets to the property he could in theory call the police to see if they will let him in, or file a court order about it... but will he ?

Or will he realise the OP is not some doormat he can just waltz back in on a whim & wipe his feet all over after he abandoned her at an incredibly difficult time. How dare he even show his face again to her & his sons.... seriously.

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 21:54

@PicsInRed Good for you! Are you able to share what the legalities about lock changing were, assuming he was co-owner ?

areyoubeingserviced · 26/08/2019 22:18

It’s only a vile, worthless man who can leave his wife when she is ill
As others have said, it hasn’t worked out with the OW so he’s back
I am not sure about his legal rights, but if he comes back home, I would make it as uncomfortable as possible for him; no cooking for him , cleaning up after him. At the same time I would be looking to divorce the cheating bastard.
Whatever you do Op. please don’t take him back

PicsInRed · 26/08/2019 22:44

Prawnsword, legally as far as I know, it's not expressly illegal to change the locks to my own property. Similarly he could regain entry to his own property if he so chose.

He had options to seek redress at court but then so did I. He has chosen not to make a fool of himself (at least not on that score). I sleep well with my new locks installed. 😉

Sillymcbilly · 26/08/2019 22:57

My friend changed the locks. Best thing she ever did. She had a few solicitors letters demanding the keys but she refused to hand them over.
He had already moved out like your DH. She called the police when he came banging on the doors and they told him being as though he no longer lived there and none of his possessions were there, they failed to see why he would need the keys, and that if he didn’t leave her alone he could be arrested for harassment and breach of the peace 😂😂 he was a nasty piece of shit though.

Get rid of his shit, change the locks and refuse to let him back. What’s the worst that can happen?

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 22:58

@PicsInRed OK that's what I thought - you can't legally lock a co-owner out of the property, they can legally punch a hole in the window to get back in if they like! But it is NOT illegal to change the locks & there is no crime here.

Just like it is NOT illegal to have a huge cleanup & throw out all your unwanted garbage.

WhatAGreatDay · 26/08/2019 23:29

The keyboard warriors are out in force all getting more extreme and ridiculous in their advice. You have two children in the house. Surely it's best for them if their parents don't make huge scenes in front of them.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/if-you-were-living-together/what-happens-to-your-home-when-you-separate/

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 23:40

@WhatAGreatDay I did say that because of the kids my advice was to be kind & pack up his belongings & send it to his mum's house.

The link is sound information - however he already moved out on Thursday, which provides the OP an advantage here. It's in her best interest to not let him back, she doesn't want him back in the house & it's quite possible him leaving then coming back is not ideal. Best to start as you mean to continue.

This isn't even being regular cheated on. This is some next level shit. So with all due respect @WhatAGreatDay I disagree that the kids will benefit from their father deciding to return on a whim & upsetting their already unwell mum who needs to put her health & wellbeing at top priority here.

The comments saying "if he comes back, make sure you don't cook & clean up after him!" make me sad - who is cooking & cleaning up for OP right now ? ! He certainly isn't.

crimsonlake · 26/08/2019 23:57

Yes, you could change the locks but if he jointly owns the house he is perfectly entitled to break in. I have been through similar and this is what the police advised.

Needhelp101 · 27/08/2019 00:12

You don't have to change the locks - just get some extra bolts fitted 😉

prawnsword · 27/08/2019 00:32

@crimsonlake Nobody is saying he can't still gain access to the property, it's just that once he realises his mum & dad know what he's done, none of his stuff is even there & the OP only plans to communicate with him via her solicitor then he probably won't bother. He will probably go back to mummy....The worst that happens is he gains access & moves back in. So it's worth a shot to call his bluff.

I would argue that he has been gone for 4 days now, so the boys have had 4 days to absorb some of the shock. To come back now would be confusing & unfair to everyone involved. At 17, the eldest is old enough to understand that mum has cancer & dad has left. That action even if the affair remains hidden from them is still not a good look. Maybe they don't want him back either now. Maybe they will think their mum is a Grade A Boss for booting him to the curb.

JingsMahBucket · 27/08/2019 02:04

I agree @prawnsword. My usual advice on here is to change the locks as soon as the bastards leave because they most likely won’t protest as much as other posters fear they would. I even advised my SIL to do this with my brother when he was treating her horribly and leaving her for days on end to spend time with another woman or lick his wounds.

Change the f*cking locks. Your home is not a hotel and the offending spouse doesn’t have the (moral) right to screw with the heads and emotions of the remaining family members. If they’re so confident about leaving the first time they say or do it, then believe them and pack up their shit then change the locks. That dose of reality is usually enough to wake them up and make them realize they can’t take advantage of you anymore.

milliefiori · 27/08/2019 07:01

@Ginger1982 - why would a homeowner not be allowed to legally change their own locks?

He's moved out. He no longer lives there. He may part-own the property but that doesn't mean she, living in it, has no right to improve its security.

JacquesHammer · 27/08/2019 08:57

He's moved out. He no longer lives there. He may part-own the property but that doesn't mean she, living in it, has no right to improve its security

He also has the right to have copies of any new keys.

Doing anything in retaliation is really poor advice, however tempting it is.

It will escalate an already stressful situation and, should the situation go to court, the fact you changed the locks on a joint asset will be noted.

It is likely - unfortunately - that unless you can pay for the mortgage yourself a sale of the property is the most straightforward way of making a clean break.

Do you own the property as joint tenants? Has he been continuing to pay towards the mortgage?

prawnsword · 27/08/2019 12:29

a note will be made on your file

@JacquesHammer Reckon if it were really such a bad thing in the eyes of the courts & risk your property settlement, that would be known fact on MN by now. People pull all kinds of stunts when splitting up.

"Sometimes it is better to ask forgiveness than seek permission"

if you were her, would you want to spend one night under the same roof as your husband who abandoned you after your cancer diagnosis in FEBRURARY ? He didn't even have the decency to let her finish her round of treatment, he fucked her over halfway through. He simply cannot return.

There are so many crap situations on this board, but this one is just awful :(

hellsbellsmelons · 27/08/2019 12:55

Do all his family and friends know about his cheating?
Maybe someone could step in and tell him not to be such a prick after what he has put you and your DC through and to stay away and it's completely unfair.
When does he want to move back in?
Is he still with the OW?
What does she of think him living back with you?
This is gonna be horrible.
I had to live with my ExH for over 6 months until he moved out.
I just stayed out of his way.
Went to gym every night and left him with DD.
Went to visit friends and family at the weekends.
But I had an end in sight.
I'm not sure you do.

If he does move back just ensure you don't do anything at all for him.
Make he knows the rules are that anything you have bought is yours and DC and he is not to use it.
That includes food, cleaning products, washing powder, loo roll, the lot. He buys his own and uses is own ONLY!
No washing or cooking or cleaning for him but I'm sure you already have that covered.

Ginger1982 · 27/08/2019 16:30

@milliefiori he still has a right to live there though. If he's a joint owner he would be entitled to force entry if he was so inclined.

JacquesHammer · 27/08/2019 16:33

Reckon if it were really such a bad thing in the eyes of the courts & risk your property settlement, that would be known fact on MN by now. People pull all kinds of stunts when splitting up

I was a conveyancer for many years with a specialism in marital splits. I’ve been involved with a good many similar situations. It’s far better to give sensible advice, rather than “oh the courts won’t do anything” which is incorrect.

prawnsword · 27/08/2019 18:14

Well, guess you could always say you had, even if you didn't & bluff it.

JacquesHammer · 27/08/2019 19:40

Well, guess you could always say you had, even if you didn't & bluff it

Of course. I mean every thing on MN should be taken with the biggest pinch of salt.

Even if that’s true and I imagined doing all the qualifications etc, “change the locks” is utterly stupid advice.

The only sensible advice the OP should take is “take your own legal advice”.

BaloneyBar · 27/08/2019 23:56

Sounds awful OP. But taking some of the hysterical advice on here won't help and could make matters worse.

Only two things matter 1. Legal advice and 2. Think re. selling in future if he continues to hang on, which he may do if he decides he has nowhere else to do.

user1481840227 · 28/08/2019 00:28

Parents are supposed to try their best to avoid placing blame on either party for relationship break downs or even affairs etc, however in this case I think you need to speak to them about it. Do you think they would want him to move back in?

I think it would be far more harmful for them to live in that environment where you ex has moved back in, rather than you all (as in you and the kids) deciding he needs to stay away and start moving forwards with a new life apart. I am certainly not encouraging parental alienation and in fact would be encouraging them to still have a relationship with him but that it will have to be away from the house. The kids will be seriously harmed if they have to deal with him moving back in and witness the tension between you both. It's not worth it. That delays their healing so much!

I would tell everyone about this, family, friends etc. in the hopes that someone or a lot of them will them him he's a total scumbag if he tries to move back in and subject you all to that.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 28/08/2019 00:58

When my ExH left, I was advised I couldn't change the locks as he was co-owner. That was the start of an absolute nightmare when he moved back in. With hindsight, I really wish I had changed the locks anyway. Getting access to property is a civil matter, not a police/criminal matter so he'd have to sue you to regain access. That would cost lots of money and take months to do. My advice now, having been through the nightmare, would be to do it anyway and if he does try to sue you, just let him have a new key the day before the court hearing, so it just wastes his time and money, and keeps him out as long as possible.

Actually, someone I know simply swapped the barrel locks in the front and back doors, so technically not locking their Ex out as they had a key, but just didn't realise it as they assumed new locks had been purchased rather than old locks being swapped.

Swipe left for the next trending thread