I’ve left my partner, what now?

[Vi37]

Hi, our relationship hasn’t been great but we’ve been together for 12 years. We have a beautiful 1 and 1/2 year old little boy. Today was the final straw, an argument over a kitchen tap believe it or not. I had incredibly severe pre and post natal anxiety, I was convinced I would do something accidentally and hurt my baby like not wash things properly or cook things properly. My partners mum died at the end of last year so I’ve pandered to him, I’ve tried to ignore most things he’s said to me because I know he’s grieving, Ive let him belittle me, tell me how I’d ‘ruined the whole pregnancy for everyone and he wasn’t going to let me ruin DS’s life’. He thinks everyone is lying to him, I don’t know what about? He says no one listens to him. He has a go at me for something then laughs making it seem like a joke. He used to stand and shout at me while holding our son because his bottles weren’t being made quick enough. Today I left him and brought our son to my mum and dads. He tried to fix a tap, started telling me over and over again to go get the parts for it but I’d no idea what to get. I picked DS up to take him with me and he stood right in front of me and told me I wasn’t taking him. I told him no I wasn’t going as he was shouting at me and he just carried on telling me to go over and over. Told me to fuck off right in my face. He wants to sell the house so he said we’d live there til it was sold, I told him I wasn’t living with him and told him to pack his bags, he told me that I wasn’t going to my mums and that I was staying in the house because HE SAID SO, he told me this twice. His family are very supportive towards me so are trying to sort him out however, I’m petrified he’ll somehow be allowed take our son as I know he has equal rights. I’m writing this now as I can’t sleep because I know I’ll get a call tomorrow saying he wants him for the day, I honestly feel sick the thought of letting him go. Where do I go from here regarding the house/any benefits etc. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I’ll add to that, he told me on two separate occasions that he didn’t think I had post natal depression/anxiety and that I was making it up.

Sorry you've been through this OP. Firstly are you married? Do you jointly own the house? If he is being abusive towards you, then I am sure there are ways you can have him removed from the house and you live there with your son. I would suggest calling Women's Aid in the first instance as they should be able to offer advice about the abuse part. I don't see why he should get to live in the house until it sells but you are clearly much safer away from him and I am glad you have your mums to stay at.
You do not have to do anything right now or make any decisions but I would not be letting him have your son at the moment, not the way he is behaving. Also seek legal advice.

See a solicitor ASAP. Call one tomorrow morning and go get advice. Most do a free half hour

Thank you both, he’s not at the house, he’s gone to his dads. His dad isn’t happy with him he’s very cross. We’re not married but we do jointly own the house.

He has been abusive so definitely ring Women's aid. Do you want to be in the house until it sells?
You are both jointly responsible for the mortgage (not the bills) until the house sells so are you sure he can afford and would be willing to pay the mortgage without you in the short term? You have to also consider how much effort he would make to sell the property if he was the one living there.
Lots to think about but there is no rush right now. Ring Women's Aid and book time with a solicitor. Its great you have his family's support too.

Thanks everyone, been to see him today, he apologises for everything, told me he was a mess and hasn’t got over his mum dying and he’d do anything at all he loves me and doesn’t want me to leave, he said he’d go to drs and counselling, anything I wanted him to do but I’m not sure I think he’s change, I told him quite clearly how much he’s hurt me and that I didn’t want our son to be anything like him, he was on the floor sobbing. His dad has also told him he has dementia today too. I’m still staying at my mum and dads for the foreseeable but other than that I have absolutely no idea what to do.

Honestly, OP, I think in times of stress the real person comes out.

I lost my mother - to whom I was very, very close - a few weeks ago. It was very sudden. There is no way I would ever treat DH like that. Even now, when am sad and distracted. I have simply been a bit quiet and mopey, but 100% appreciative of the support DH is giving me.

Well done on being strong enough to walk away: can you imagine the effect on your son when he starts understanding the horrible way his dad treats his mum? That is no environment for a child to grow up in.

You did the right thing, OP. Don't let him grovel his way back into your life - before you know it, he will be back to his old tricks.

And honestly, fancy saying he didn't believe you had PND! You can do so much better than this unsupportive prick.

He;s using emotional blackmail here by mentioning his mother's death. Everyone loses a parent in the their life but it doesn't excuse that behaviour. Its difficult when you want to believe what they are saying but, after all these years, he won't change.
I was with my ex for 17 years and we split up a few times. Each time he would convince me he would change and be better. It only ever lasted a few weeks.

Just enjoy you life away from him ..

Thank you , I’m 34. - 35 in a month and wanted another baby I think that’s partly why I’ve stayed so long. I never saw myself being a single parent. It’s also having to deal with the fact I’ll probably never have another child now either I’ll be too old by the time I meet someone new.

HI OP, please try to focus on your DS now. You don't want to bring another child into this toxic relationship and will only find yourself a single mother later on anyway, I guarantee. YOu have a lovely little lad already and you need to stick to your guns for his sake, as well as your own.

By walking away now you leave yourself time to meet someone new and have a child. My sister had a child (naturally) at 47. My mother had me at 44. One of my colleagues has had her first (twins!) at 45. It does happen.

So you have plenty of time. Please don't let this be the reason you stay with an absolute waste of space.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/family/relationship-problems-s/ending-a-relationship-when-you-re-living-together-s/

Hopefully the above will help provide a framework for what you need to do, step-by-step, to move on and upwards. I'm sure other more experienced people will also be here to offer handy tips and support/advice.

Thank you everyone, this is so hard.

When I decided to divorce my husband, he behaved in much the same way. Unfortunately I didn't have anywhere to go so had to stay in the house withhim when he refused to leave. It will get better for you though! You don't have to agree to every demand he makes regarding your son but it will be in your interests to set up an access arrangement that you are happy with. Get in touch with a solicitor who does mediation. Book an initial appointment and if he doesn't play ball, you'll then be able to go to court and get an official contact order. Your son is very young and needs his Mum right now. The courts will recognise that you are trying to do the right thing by supporting him to have a relationship with his father while maintaining your role as his main carer. It's a lot to get your head round but you can do this!

I think it’s all the official bits and bobs that are scaring me, the solicitors and agreements etc.

This is just not how I saw my life going at all, my mum and dad have been married for 40 years, they argue now and then but they love each other and have always been a team, that’s just what I assumed I would have.

I felt the same OP. I was with ex for 17 years and despite our rocky relationship, I never really thought I'd end up a single mum. Its daunting, frightening and unnerving but, you've made the first step. Don't go back and then end up in this position again in a few months/years.
Take some time to get your head around this first. You don't have to rush out to see a solicitor tomorrow, but the sooner you at least get your facts and rights in place, you will know where you stand. This will make it easier to move forward with things.

Thank you everyone, extremely tearful today I think it’s just hit me. I don’t want to be on my own.

I know it's hard and it's raw; but please believe me. It's MUCH better to be on your own than in an abusive/toxic relationship; and it's much better for your DS to grow up without that too.

Please stand strong.

he said he’d go to drs and counselling

He's just trying to keep you sweet. Please don't fall for it.

he was on the floor sobbing

Of course he was; when all else fails, switch on the waterworks.

I'm sorry about him losing his Mum but grief doesn't mean you get to act like an arsehole indefinitely.

Just take each day at a time. You don't have to make massive decisions straight away. Agree with others, get legal advice and start mediation to try and arrange short-term access and agreements. Take him through the courts if he plays up.

You CAN do this.

How are you doing today, OP?

Bumping this thread for you too so the wiser-than-I MN-ers can offer their wisdom and steps.

This is going to be hard, but will be so much better for you and - importantly - your son than staying with a self-absorbed and nasty prick.

Hi Vi37,
We've nipped in to edit your son's name out of the first post, hope that's okay?

Op most single parents don't set out to be that way.
But sometimes it really is the best way, so many of us on here have done it and are doing it.
You can too, you really can

You are not on your own.
You have your DS to concentrate on for now.
Do not be thinking long term.
Anything can happen in the future.
You are still young.
And as a PP has said, do contact Womens Aid.
Also get legal advice.
As you aren't married you will just need to sell the house and split the equity.

And the fact that you have had to deal with abuse for a long time but when you actually stand up to him he is a sobbing mess on the floor just proves he hasn't changed at all.
It's still all about HIM.
It's still all about how he can manipulate you.
Don't agree to back.
See what he actually does.
Actions speak louder than words.
He won't contact anyone about getting help.
He really doesn't believe he has done anything wrong.
He's trying to 'hoover' you back in.
Don't fall for it.
Stay put and see what he DOES.
Pay no attention to what he SAYS.

Thank you again everyone, we’re still at my mum and dads, I’ve no intention of going anywhere anytime soon. He has booked in for counselling and wants us to go to relate apparently. He has asked if we could talk at the end of the week. I just don’t think I want to but have to for the sake of our son. I assume it will be because he wants to make things work. I just don’t have the energy.